Time to invent a new value proposition.
—
“I don’t feel connected to him anymore”
“He doesn’t know how to show up”
“We’ve just become different people over the years”
Ever heard a woman say anything like that before?
These phrases are indicative of the widening gap between the needs of the empowered women around us and the old cultural script telling men what their role is.
Up until very recently in human history, men had historically been the providers and protectors of the society.
This idea goes all the way back to the animal kingdom and analysis provided to us by the late Joseph Campbell, a scholar who is perhaps most well known for his book The Hero with a Thousand Faces.
His most relevant work on the man’s role in society was looking at male/female dynamics in the animal kingdom, most specifically his interpretation of Jane Goodall’s work with chimps.
At the most primal level, Campbell’s view on the role of the woman was:
“The condition of the female in the human society has been that of service to the coming and maintenance of life”
It’s not exactly how we speak today but it basically means a woman’s life was devoted to conceiving, delivering, and nurturing children – the newest expression of life and the continuation of the species.
Campbell’s view of the male’s role was in clear contrast:
“The function of the male in this society is to prepare and maintain a field within which the female can bring forth the future”
So while the females were concerned with raising children, the males were gathering food and defending against invaders.
After all, she’s gonna have a pretty hard time raising children and doing her life-bringing business if the males can’t maintain the perimeter and keep her safe.
This shows us why men have traditionally played provider and protector role throughout our world’s history.
However, this model got detailed around 40 years ago with the rise of the women’s right’s movement and feminism.
By empowering women to choose between a career or being at home with the children, our society unknowingly stripped men of their sole reason for existence for thousands of years all the way back to the animal kingdom.
It’s no wonder men today are reeling from the shock! We’re being forced to deal with an experience we have no frame of reference for!
As society got more established, we went from warriors that literally maintained the perimeter to staring at a computer screen and collecting a paycheque to secure a place to live and put food on the table.
But in today’s world, a woman is totally capable of doing that for herself (and her kids).
In fact, she might even be able to do it better than her husband.
So men are left wondering “Now what?”
It’s a fantastic question and one that every man now has a chance to look in the mirror and ask himself.
Because even if you’re still able to fulfill the traditional role, the reality is she doesn’t need you the way she used to.
Sailing on yachts, partying at swanky hotspots, and cracking open $125 bottles of wine isn’t enough to guarantee a woman will want to be with you for the rest of her life.
This is because the needs of women have changed as they became more self sufficient.
Rather than allowing this reality to drag us into a dark night of the soul that’s sure to drive any woman farther away, let’s reframe this and see the opportunity here.
By being forced to redefine what value we actually bring we have the opportunity to build the genuinely loving relationship our parents and grandparents were promised but didn’t actually have.
The romanticism of returning to a time when men were “real men” in order to reclaim our lost masculinity is enticing, but it ignores the fact that these “real men” were often very difficult to be around.
Let’s face it – even if our Fathers were able to fulfill their role as protectors and providers, our Mothers were often left feeling like something was missing and it most often had to do with not feeling emotionally cared for.
Since we have to restructure our role anyways, we might as well fill in the gaps that the men before us weren’t able to solve.
It means we have the opportunity to be the first generation of men to actually develop the loving, passionate, happily ever after relationships that our culture has been promising since we started marrying for love.
So how do we make it actually happen?
Think of it this way:
It’s not that she NO LONGER has needs because she can provide for herself, it’s that her needs are DIFFERENT than the women that came before her.
As good men are ingrained to fulfill the provider and protector role, women are still ingrained to be look for that safety and security even if they can’t articulate how that actually looks in today’s world.
So while you may not be needed to provide a physical box or perimeter to meet her physical needs, you can still fulfill the protector and provider role through the idea of an emotional box.
Instead of providing her with a physical box to feel safe and protected by, YOU become the box where she feels emotionally safe and protected.
This means YOUR PRESENCE becomes the box ITSELF.
Imagine yourself as the center of a box that is expanded twenty feet in all directions around you.
The box is a part of you and goes wherever you go.
And guess what?
Your mood permeates that box and influences her whenever she’s inside it.
This means your role is to maintain the emotional quality of the environment you are providing her.
If you’re often mopey, whiny or feeling defeated, THAT’S the environment you are providing her to live in.
If you’re grouchy because she’s come home late from work again then her body thinks she’s walking into a hostile environment (even if she logically knows it’s hers).
And when a woman is capable of providing her own physical needs, she’s not gonna put up with that kind of emotional environment for too long.
But what if you were supportive?
What if you felt like a rock she could come back to at the end of the day and know that everything’s OK because she’s safe in your arms?
What if she knew that no matter how bad her day went, you would be there to give her the love and encouragement she needs to help her pick up the pieces and get back out there with a renewed sense of confidence?
What if she knew she could count on you to take the lead when she needs a break from being the ambitious superwoman?
THAT’S how you become an INVALUABLE support system and place yourself firmly into the role of a modern protector/provider.
You adapt from providing a physical box to an emotional box.
This way you meet the needs your wife ACTUALLY has rather than the needs society says she’s supposed to have.
It doesn’t make you any less of a man for being with a woman who went above and beyond.
The fact that you can make yourself relevant and adapt to meet her where she’s at (when there’s no cultural narrative to tell you how) is EXACTLY what men have been doing all along – learning, adapting, and executing.
That’s the most important thing to understand here.
Beyond the masculine acts of providing food and shelter and defending the perimeter, what was actually happening was good men were doing whatever needed to be done to keep their women safe and thriving the best way they knew how.
Your relationship may look different than how our society tells us things “should” be but it really doesn’t matter.
So forget the inferiority complex and questioning your relevance.
Provide her with the a emotional box of safety and support and she’ll never even think about whether she actually needs you or not.
(And neither will you.)
So help her calm down when she’s upset.
Reassure her when she’s doubting herself.
Become her sanctuary.
And then watch your relationship blossom because you found a way to make yourself significant and irreplaceable.
The reality is the skills we used to get the girl aren’t the skills we used to keep her.
It’s time to step up and get the job done because that’s what men do.
We got this guys.
—
Photo: Getty Images
As a man, I struggle with the statement made….”So forget the inferiority complex and questioning your relevance.”…..many men in this situation do not feel inferior nor do they question their relevance.
For many men I have worked with over the years, It’s the empowered woman that is beginning to openly question their relevance.
Men who are earning less than their female counterparts are often being asked, what is it they bring extra to the “set up” at home now their financial input is limited.
The issue here is where roles are defined by financial input status in the relationship.
I would like a womans view on this. Have you seen this site…www.seekingarrangement.com? I saw a video on it. It is marketed as empowering women. Here women ask rich older men, sometimes who are married, for money, houses, cars, vacations and depending on how hot they are, they get everything they ask for. Alot of these women are in Med school, law school…so when they graduate, they are debt free making 100K+. The men graduating also make the same, or more but with 200k+ debt. See the difference? How exactly do I, as a man, hope to get any sort… Read more »
Thank you for this article, although it brings me back to a principal issue: what we look for in a partner is something complementary in the sense that I can provide something which makes me important/indespensable for her/him and vice versa. As long as women would assure the next generation (life for tomorrow) and men would provide shelter and income (life for today) we had something to give to each other and in this sense it was “easy” (don´t get me wrong: I think the old times were not at all positive). Now women are self sustained in these both… Read more »
Sorry you didn’t your answers from the article but thanks for commenting! These are all good questions you ask and it’s definitely an ongoing process. Just gonna have to see how it plays out over the years to come.
Is a Man’s Value Really Less if His Wife Outearns Him?
>>>
Do you mean theoretically, or in the real world?
What do you think Myrtle?? 🙂
Theoretically, a man’s value to a partner shouldn’t be measured by his paycheck.
In reality – by which I mean statistical reality – it is. Of course there are individual exceptions to that, but they are few and far between.
What do you think Mark?
Mark,
The words in this article coming from a man are more credible than coming from a woman.
Great job.
Jen
Thanks so much Jennifer! So glad you enjoyed it!
Mark, I think you nailed it. I’m a high-earning woman and I really don’t look for financial security from a man since I do well on my own. I DO need the emotional security like you say, though. I love this!!
Guys, LISTEN TO THIS MAN. HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT!!
Mark, this is fantastic. I’m not married yet, but I already (probably) out-earn my future husband. You totally NAILED it. I’m not looking for financial security, but a man who I emotionally connect with and who makes me feel safe and secure in a different dimension from what is “traditional”.
I hope every man reads this, REALLY thinks about it, and heeds your advice. I think there are plenty of lucky wives and girlfriends who would love it if their boyfriends and husbands put your suggestions to good use.
Thanks so much for your thoughts Genevieve and your double post at that!! 😉
Here’s to finding that man of yours!! 🙂
One of the most insightful articles I’ve read on GMP for a while, Mark. Different people are at different stages of emotional maturity or freedom from outdated ideas. Men (and women) who still believe that level of income is an important measure of their value as a person are either stuck in the past, or lack imagination. You’re daring to look outside that box, and I think you’ve seen the future! btw I’ve been a poor musician for most of my life and so most of the women I’ve dated have been better paid than me. I’ve never noticed any… Read more »
Wow, thanks so much Steve! That’s very kind of you to say!
Funny, I spent many years as a musician too. Maybe there’s something about the whole “no money” thing that forces guys like you and I to figure out how to think outside the box to “survive” as it were. 😉
Keep playing!
Love the article Mark. I think you’re spot on in defining the modern woman’s greatest need as moral support. As you say we need our men to provide an emotional safety zone to help us kick ass at work. Changing diapers and making dinner is a close second 🙂
Thanks so much Hilde. Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for commenting, it means a lot. 🙂
Well it was an issue when men were making more. It was the entire basis for the women’s movment, now that it is men that may earn less it does not matter? Sorry, can’t buy it, not unless the couples are pooling their money as men and women once did. Not what I’m seeing though. I’m seeing far too many women that do earn more seeking separate banking, while expecting equal contribution, which, at that point, becomes exactly what women fought to end, and unbalance of financial power in the family that leads to control. men are already disadvantaged, under… Read more »
I completely agree with this! Raising boys I am constantly surprised and dismayed to see the continual criminalization of being male—from assuming any male you don’t know well to be violent/a rapist to the blatant sexism of saying men are just less empathetic/creative/artistic than women. I hate that the art supplies are stocked in the “girl” aisles of toy stores. But I’m also stuck with the reality I live in. I didn’t like that this article basically said “men step up the emotional support or you’re going the way of the Dodo” but guiltily, I also simultaneously thought “so financial… Read more »
Hey Stephanie! These are really large and good questions you are asking and I definitely don’t have answers to all of them. I just write about what I’ve learned from my own experiences, it’s tough for me to comment on the decisions other men and women make. What would a modern nurturer provide a modern protector/provider? Unfortunately I think there aren’t any real guidelines or frameworks. If a man can make the leap to providing emotional security it’s such a massive shift in the typical dynamic that the relationship becomes totally defined by the couple and their individual needs. Definitely… Read more »
I can’t really speak for them since I’m more old fashioned then modern, but there are a couple things I’ve noticed about the modern man. One thing I’ve noticed is that they are more preoccupied with how they look. They seem to want to be appreciated for that. Guys still need their away time though the man cave may have evolved. I know a woman who lets her husband on0line game for a few hours a week and a guy who’s wife has banned him from playing in their house. I’m not sure if that helps. It’s just an observation… Read more »
Hey again DJ, two comments! I’m honored. 🙂
The pendulum is swinging like it always has. Not much that can be done to influence the mass ideas you are talking about, all we can really do is choose who we are as men and what situations work for us and what doesn’t work for us. Like you say, choosing wisely is very important and I totally agree.
Glad to hear the situations you describe aren’t affecting you and your wife though. Hope things are going well for you two!
“Hey again DJ, two comments! I’m honored. ?”
Just trying to help boost your post count, man. ;p
“And then watch your relationship blossom because you found a way to make yourself significant and irreplaceable.” Or you can divorce her and take half her stuff or more then find a young hot girl to get involved with. 🙂 I think the article is mostly OK, but I think you’re wrong by making the focus on how he can be irreplaceable to her rather than how they could be best served as a couple. There were plenty of guys who would come home after putting in 12 hours on the job to have his wife nag him about never… Read more »
Good point, John, Income is not the balancing act of a relationship. Maybe for women, not for men. It is our very rights that will balance it out so that we are not just support mechanisms, but fully equal partners in the relationship, and can fully expect the same support from women, to hole them equally accountable to our needs. That does not exist today and accepting income disparity is not going to fix marriage for men, but just heave one more bit of blame, one more responsibility upon them, just glossing over the need for a balance of power… Read more »
Hey DJ! I totally agree with your comments on being equal partners. I didn’t bring up what women can do in relationships because in the same way I think it’s up for men to decide what value they bring now, I think a woman’s value is for them to figure out. If you’re with a woman who doesn’t feel the need to answer that kind of a question then it’d certainly be worth understanding why that’s the case and if that works for you and your own needs. But when each side of the couple is completely committed to being… Read more »
Hey John, thanks for your comment. That quote you’ve used comes from an attitude I have where if I’m in a relationship, I’m in it all the way to be the absolute best partner I can be. And I simply wouldn’t be in a relationship if the woman didn’t share the same idea. So I think we are on the same page when you say “how they could be best served as a couple” because I definitely agree. It wasn’t my intention to suggest that a man should be blindly irreplaceable to a woman who doesn’t respect them or put… Read more »
Sure that fair. Not to be critical, I think that part was missed because I thought the article was about a relationship where the man used to make more and now doesn’t and so is trying to find a way to remain relevant when in fact he already was or at least should have been relevant already. If she wants to kick him to the curb because he’s not making as much money as he used to relative to her, there were already other problems in the relationship. The question in my mind was why did the change happen? If… Read more »
Totally fair comments John! It’s SO tough to totally lay out the context for the writing, say something worthwhile, and still stay within a reasonable word count. Appreciate the insight though, something to keep in mind for next time.
Have you ever thought of writing about some of the points your bringing up and submitting it? I say go for it!
Mark, thank you for articulating that men need to think of being providers beyond now a roof over our heads and food on the table. You’re right – I’ve got that. I need a happy home life and an amazing support team and that’s where my partner shines. The only thing perhaps you missed is that as a woman, my role had changed too. While men still can’t bring forth a baby, they cook meals, go to swimming lessons, help with math homework, while usually also maintaining full time employment, regardless of income. I know this article speaks towards men… Read more »
Hey Koslov!! Thanks for your thoughts. I specifically don’t mention what women are bringing to the table now because from a man’s perspective it simply can’t be assumed. The only thing I can control is my own effort and actions I put into the relationship so that’s all I can really talk about. I prefer not to make excuses for not doing my best because of someone else’s actions so I kind of put blinders on in that respect. It’s like a false/near impossible worst case scenario that sets me up to be pleasantly surprised and appreciative of the effort… Read more »
I would hate it if my spouse was nagging me for not making the same kind of income that she is making plus how am I suppose to get a raise if the boss keeps saying no and bosses have not been giving their workers decent wages for the last 36 years?
Hey G, thanks for the comment. You’re right, it’s a tough world out there. Stay well friend!
I sort of disagree with this article. From past experiences and observations, when a woman starts making more than the man in a relationship, she does start to disrespect him, because of the shift in the power dynamic…you are not a man anymore cos I really do not need you. For example, I met a nurse who was making 60k per year. However, she expected the men she dated to pay for everything even if they made half. you know..thats dating to her. However, she would sleep with the ones making more than her with the fancy cars and penthouses… Read more »
Hey Aaron! Sorry to hear you disagree but thanks for your comment anyways! Always good to hear stories like this, helps me think of more stuff to write about in the future. I hope it works out for you brother!
What an interesting article, I hadn’t thought about this psychological problem much since I haven’t dealt with it. Sometimes the message of “women can be just as strong/successful or moreso than men” gets warped in my mind to “women don’t need support for anything anymore”. Thanks for making me re-think this!
Hey Jeremey! Thanks so much for your comment! Glad to hear it got you thinking, if I had only one hope for my writing that would be it. 🙂
The article is very well written even though I don’t agree with all of it, I am from a different generation as you know. My parents and grandparents were and still are very romantically involved and through them I learned about what commitment really means and how it works. Times have changed for sure but they didn’t have it wrong. Generally women are still earning lower wages than men, and of course you will always find some women looking for their Knight in shining armor or “Sugar Daddy” , It takes all kinds of people to make this world spin… Read more »
Thanks for the comment Debbie! Lots of change these days and I hope men facing it can see the change comes with great opportunity instead of being made obsolete. Thanks again!
Mark, I agree with your sentiments and much of the commentary here. There are bad apples in every bunch, but clarity and communication can clear the bruises and worms. People, men and women (and all iterations in between) must commit to understanding their own biases of thought/word/deed and not jump to conclusions about motivations and meanings. Like Jeremy says, we can warp words and deeds in our minds to something totally different from the intent towards us. Relationships have to be rethought, reworked, re-committed, often or daily, whether things rarely change, or things change often; whether the change in financial/power… Read more »
Awesome comment Nowlsee! Lots of great minds here at GMP. My hope is to inspire people to take action in their relationship based on their love for themselves and their partner. Glad you found something worthwhile in the writing and were moved to comment. 🙂
I love this idea, Mark! I think this hits the nail on the head in terms of what it is I expect from my partner. The way I want to live my life isn’t traditional, and therefore, our roles won’t be either. That “old school” way of thought has absolutely wreaked havoc in past relationships! I’ll be getting my bf to read this tonight, for sure!
Thanks Holly, glad to hear it resonated for you. Hope the reading with the bf went well!
This was a fantastic, emotionally intelligent article. Thank you for it. I couldn’t agree with it more.
Hey there Erin! Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it. 🙂
Scant hours before this was posted, there appeared yet another article about why men should pay for dates.
Hey 8ball! Seems like I wasn’t quite clear enough in my article, sorry about that. It was definitely thoughts for men who are already in a relationship. How men and women act in the dating scenario is quite different than in an established relationship. Thanks for reading and the comment though!
But you need to see it in a social perspective, Men rarely socially compete with each other via their partner’s income…. Women do. Fix that and the rest will follow.
Hey Trey. I’d love to know more about what you mean. Would you provide an example of what you are talking about?
Women compete with each other, among other ways by the status and earning level of their husbands job. Ran it that brick wall when one of my wife’s oldest “friends” spent years shaming her for not dumping me after a heart issue put me on disability…..among that women and her peers a husband was only as good as his earning potential…SAHM’s. I was trashed as a SAHD because “all of those guys are lazy cheats” Funny how women who defend to the death the SAHM role, are threatened by a dad in that role.
Sorry to hear that Trey. We live in turbulent times, lots of change happening and also lots of resistance to change. Hope it all worked out in the end for you brother. Stay well.
As much as women wanted men to share the traditional rewards of their role, they, themselves resist sharing the traditional rewards of their role. Still bothers my wife that the kids ended up emotionally closer to me….but that is one of the common perks of the Stay at home parent role, a big one that many women are loath to share.
How many women are going to truly respect a man who doesn’t earn as much as she does or close to it? Sure there are men who will feel emasculated by her earning more, but everything I’ve seen in this world leads me to believe the bigger issue is there are more women who are turned off by a man earning less, more women who want a man to earn on par or more than her and that causes a huge rift between them. We are not at a point of equal numbers of men and women willing to be… Read more »
Thanks for the comment Archy! I should have been clearer that the article was for men who are already in relationships with women who out earn them. The dating scene is very different and the information women use to assess the desirability of a man is a different conversation than how men in long term relationships could benefit from re-thinking what their role is. I can’t say much on the dating front because I haven’t done that in quite a few years now. Thanks again for the comment!
I’d be happy for a woman to earn more, I’d try make it up in other areas like cleaning. Hopefully the next generation has more success with tearing down gender roles.
Heh. I think the gender roles got torn once women starting being able to provide for themselves. The next generation is just gonna have to deal with the fallout. 🙂
Sorry…no edit function on comments.
Thanks again for the comment, I appreciate it.
This is EXACTLY what I need.
As soon as I tell guys what I do for a living, some of them automatically become “intimidated.” Or they start listing their own failures or downplay their accomplishments. I fantasize about having a partner to go through life with, where we emotionally support each other. I don’t need your money. I need your presence.
Thanks Surgerychick (if that’s your real name….:D)! I think a lot of men are being way too hard on themselves for not being able to provide and protect in the traditional manner when just a little mindset shift can make him absolutely irreplaceable to a woman like yourself. Glad you enjoyed the article, my ideas about how men can relate to women wouldn’t mean much if women were saying “No, that’s not it at all.” Thanks again. 🙂