There’s a stereotype out there that men lose their identities when they get married. Tom Brechlin disagrees.
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I was encouraged to write about marriage and I have to tell you that I was skeptical. To be honest, in some ways, I still am. However, my marriage is 39 years young and I guess that’s a story these days. Let’s be honest, “marriage” in our current society isn’t looked at in favorable light.
It truly saddens me how marriage is viewed because for me, being married is GREAT. However, as great as it is, it certainly doesn’t define who I am. There is no question that marriage is a part of me but I am far more than a “married guy.”
Yes, I’ve been married for 39 years. My wife is the only women I have ever been with. I have two grown children and two grandsons. With that alone, I hope you see that I’m more than a “married guy.” I’m also a dad and grandfather (Upa – German for grandfather).
I went to the Chicago Art Institute on a scholarship. I guess someone somewhere saw that I had talent. Although I temporarily took the “starving artist” path, I eventually ended up in a corporate career path which included working on advertising campaigns. I was able to use my creative juices. Throughout the years, I continued to dabble in art and managed to even sell some works.
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So far, we’ve got: Husband, dad, grandfather, artist, manager.
I’ve always been attracted to old houses and that’s what we always ended up buying … old houses that required TLC. Thanks to my dad showing me the ropes of homeownership, I managed to renovate three homes. Renovations included basic plumbing, electrical and carpentry. An honorable mention goes to my landscaping skills, which neighbors have always appreciated. Also, another nod to my father for teaching me how to maintain my family’s vehicles.
Now, I’m a husband, dad, grandfather, son, artist, and manager. I know how to do basic carpentry, basic plumbing and electrical work, and landscaping. I can take care of my own car, too. Did I forget to mention that I’m one heck of a cook? I make Mexican food that would knock you off your feet!
Although growing up, camping, fishing, hunting were pretty common, I’d got away from it for a while, or at least until my kids were born. Now a family man, we bought a Bass Boat and a campsite (campground where you own your own camp site). I taught my kids hunting, fishing and the joys of camping.
I can now add a fisherman, hunter and outdoorsman to my list, yes?
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The corporate world burnt me out. Emotionally and physically. I had a heart attack that resulted in a quintuple bypass. That made me a survivor. I like adding that one to the list. With five subsequent heart attacks, I know I’ve earned it.
Leaving corporate behind, at the age of 42, I became an addictions counselor in a residential facility for adolescent boys. That was life changing for me. I found it far more rewarding then the corporate career. Now adding addictions counselor to my self-portrait.
A few years ago, I even learned how to snow board with the boys! I also teach Art Therapy and am the CPR and CPI trainer. I’m an active volunteer for an AIDS alliance, PADS homeless shelter, Eucharistic minister, Stephen Minister, CCD teacher and coordinator for CRHP program. Oh, I don’t want to leave out the 5 year long foreign exchange students we’ve sponsored (we’re going to Europe next year to see them all again).
It doesn’t end here. Through the last 40 years, I have been directly and indirectly involved in fathers / men’s rights. I like adding “activist” to this little (!?!?!) list of mine.
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Some people seem to think that they lose who they are when they get married. I don’t get that. As you can see, even after 39 years of marriage, I’m definitely more than “a married guy.” Marriage hasn’t defined who I am. It’s simply one facet of my identity.
My life is far from over. I have a lot of plans yet. Glass blowing is high on my list and I’m looking forward to adding “world traveler” next year.
What about you other married guys? You might want to take an inventory because when you do, you’ll find that you are far more than just a “married guy.”
This is a long list but if you want to know who I am and what I am about, I build things. I create things. I restore things–be it lives, family, buildings, or art. I am a builder and a creator. With 39 years of marriage behind me, I can tell you a lot has been built, created, and restored between my wife and I and our family.
Want to define me by that? That, I can live with.
Photo: stilltheone1/flickr
Great piece, Tom. You are truly a busy man–perhaps the secret to a long marriage is to never see your spouse! 🙂
I too had a heart attack young (36) and re-read your “five subsequent heart attacks” line a few reluctant times. I’m encouraged that you are still out there and adding to the list!
Tom, you are impressive. Beyond the focus of your article, your community involvement and personal improvement may just serve as a catalyst and role model for me to get out and get active again.
Dave, that is a great compliment. I have to tell ya, there is so much to do on so many levels that it makes me crazy that more people aren’t active. The more I put out, I receive two fold in return which makes my life rich in so many ways. I’m glad that I had some impact. All I can do is plant seeds in hope that men like you move forward. I wish you the best Dave.
Quick note of thanks to our marriage editor for her help with this.
Thank you Jules. ” For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”Genesis 2: 22-24
Just so happens that yesterdays reading in my church happen to be Mark 10: 7-8 “For this reason man shall leave his father to be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh”
We can be of one flesh but different in that combing the two of us with our differences we make one complete entity.
Thanks again Jules.
This is an excellent piece Tom. I really enjoyed it. Very touching. Kudos to you and your wife!! You all have a genuine loving marriage. This is what marriage is suppose to be Tom. I was married for over 15 years. Never once did I lose my sense of identity. I was the same guy as I was before marriage but with some more life experience under my belt. “Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone… Read more »
That’s a great point Dan …. blame marriage for that which he/she should be taking responsibility. Thanks for e]reading and commenting.
I enjoyed this article and find this stereotype interesting. Rather than take responsibility for his role in an unhealthy relationship, a man blames the “marriage” for his lack of identity. I would certainly argue that a man who feels that he lost his identity due to marriage probably didn’t have an identity to begin with.
@Dan,
“I would certainly argue that a man who feels that he lost his identity due to marriage probably didn’t have an identity to begin with.”
I agree 100%!
He, like too many men today, probably does not know who he is. Too many of us are empty shells with no sense of identity.
Jules, Dan … I agree. My generation fortunately had identity in some way shape or form. We not only had Vietnam, civil rights, the dawning of the hippie movement, we were a generation that the generation before us was able to guide men and provide a feeling of worth. We had regular everyday men to look up to and not the glorified images and actors and sports stars. As I often say “men don’t know if they should wipe their nose or blow their ass.” I think there many variables that have resulted in men/boys losing themselves or as stated,… Read more »
a good read, tom
Thank you James, I’m glad you took the time to read it.
You can add to that list, great communicator. That’s a nice list, and a great life Tom.
Thank you PursuitAce , I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Men loosing THEIR identities after marriage?!?!?!?! ahhhhhahahahahahahahaha Is that why women are stripped of their names (the way slaves and prisoners are) Stripping one of their identity makes it easier to control them – this is the SOLE reason for name changing or should I say stripping. The history of men shows that they keep their name until death. the only “name change” the will recieve is an addition to their name. A TITLE. merit, honor. Throughout history men’s identities have been ADDED TO, not stripped away or replace. Mr. John Smith lost his identity when he got married as… Read more »
Lynn, why are you stuck on the “name” thing. I am not my “name,” I am who I am as a human being. My wife gladly took my name and when anyone calls her a “Ms.” she promptly corrects them . My wife could have easily written this as well, she can easily be recognized for the many things she’s done and will do.. 39 years ago, she was so happy we were married that when she ordered our first checks they said “Mr and Mrs. Tom Brechlin”….. Gotta love her. And BTW, she and I have known one another… Read more »
It’s completely motivating… Men often miss this positive side, I guess, after getting married.
Thank you Bill. I’m glad I was asked in that it was nice to take an inventory of my life and as you can see, us married guys sure as heck are something special in MANY ways.
Exactly Tom! I often say that happiness is not everything in life, it’s necessary to have a wife too. But, this post opened the gates for new thoughts… If I say, you’re a thought-provoking writer, it won’t be wrong…