Marriage is No Fairy Tale

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About Sandy Roffey

Sandy Roffey is a writer, mother, and former educator. She lives in the Northeast with her coffee-loving husband, two non-conformist tweens, and a tyrannical baby. She has studied Anthropology and Early Education, and her writing has been featured on BlogHer. She is currently writing a novel and blogging about her attempts to keep her sanity after leaving the workforce, taking up breastfeeding, and managing the kids.


  1. Just because you had to grow into the best-friend status with your husband, does not mean the other person was indeed not marrying their best friend. After a decade of marriage, my wife and I have proven what we are made of, we have grown and had changes of heart and opinions; some of them bringing us closer, others pulling us apart. But it must be said that when we married 10 years ago, comparing what my next closest friend knew about me to what she knew about me: it was no comparison, my wife knew me better than my own siblings or even my mother, let alone my next closest friend. And I’ve spent the past 10 years proving to her just how much I understood her back then, more so than her next 5 closest friends who all abandoned her. In short: at the time I was married, my wife was indeed my best friend, and I was hers… and we still are.

    So I would thank you kindly for not stuffing us into the mold of your life in future. Just because you learned your story is not unique, doesn’t mean everyone has the same story.

  2. I agree with Michael. Some people figure out people are their best friends first, some have to work on it.

    I feel like this author was thoroughly entrenched in society and has had the opportunity to realize that all society does it tell people a load of crap. Many people (actually progressively more it seems like) are able to get to this point before getting married.

    I know it feels like everyone has had the same experience as you. But I can tell you, i’ve talked to your kind before. Your the kind of girl that looks at me and starts a conversation assuming you know everything about me. like: the one time that otherwise practical lady said to me “do you remember planning your own wedding” to try to prove to me that I could be an event planner, to which I said “my mother in law did most of my wedding planning”.

    Don’t think you know people.

    That said. I AM very glad you were able to learn those things and grow into being best friends. It is actually a heartwarming story. :)

  3. I got the writer’s point as she being tired of cliches and expectations people create when they are getting married. I have seen a ton of those wedding invites that mention “marrying best friends” and “fairy tales coming true”. I do not think she is saying some people do not marry their best friends, but that some people expect that their SO becomes one automatically after marriage even when perhaps they were just dating for less than a year and hardly know each other because they haven’t been really honest.

    Marriage takes work and that is what she is saying; It may take a little more effort to some than others, but it isn’t a fairy tale; and this come from someone who was married and divorced.

  4. Sandy Roffey says:

    Thank you for the feedback, all. Michael and Kat, in trying to illustrate a point and trying to be amusing/whimsical, I seem to have inadvertently made you feel as if I were attacking other relationships. Instead, what I was trying to point out was that you *do* grow and change in your marriage–it isn’t all flowers and romance. Was I closer to my husband than my other friends? Sure. But still not as close as I am now.

  5. At first I was taken away by all the things you listed that your husband didn’t know about you and couldn’t be your “best friend” then I got to the end and understood, all those things he is today because only time and experiences will open you up fully to who you are over time. Well Said!

  6. Les Kertay, Ph.D. says:

    Sandy, I’m as interested in the comments as I am in your piece, and writing about that over on my own blog. I really appreciated your take, and took you to be sharing your experience. It isn’t exactly the same as mine – in many ways I do feel my wife and I married our best friends and in some ways, despite some of the deep trials we’ve been through it has seemed a fairy tale – but your experience doesn’t diminish mine, nor would mine diminish someone else’s. The honesty, and love you have for your husband, shone through and I appreciate your willingness to share. Thank you.

    • Sandy Roffey says:

      Thank you, Les. I find the comments interesting as well! I had meant the piece as a comment on the idea that marriage is simple, but I can see it maybe didn’t strike everyone that way. I’ll have to hop over to your blog to take a peek! I’m interested in your take on it!

  7. This reminded me so much of my husband – and made me realize just how unfair, never mind unrealistic, my expectations can be. I married him because I never wanted to be without him; he added so much to my already-full life, and I knew we would be each other’s rock through hard times. On top of that, I respect and adore him immensely. Sometimes I forget these things when he forgets to take out the garbage or hold my hand when we go out or seduce me on a regular basis. I printed out two copies of this: one for me to carry and one for him to read. Thank you for such a sweet, gentle reminder!


  1. […] morning I read a blog post at The Good Men Project titled Marriage is No Fairy Tale. I liked it when I read it, but when I read the comments I saw something I didn’t expect. I […]

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