Whether the problem is societal collapse in failed states or rudderless post-modern affluence, traditional structures that develop men are unraveling.
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One of the great gifts that the men’s movement delivered in recent decades was the language to describe a more nuanced approach to understanding masculinity. From this perspective, masculinity is no longer narrowly defined as warlike or hostile or chauvinistic. These excesses are no doubt present in men and masculine energy at times, but they don’t constitute the totality of the concept. There is room for more.
Many of the authors associated with the men’s movement—such as Dr. Robert Moore—write extensively about how extremes in masculinity represent immature or underdeveloped parts. Said another way, men may be 40 years old chronologically but be about 15 years old in terms of emotional maturity. This outcome, then, creates confusing behavior in which middle-aged men act tyrannical or cowardly in their leadership, even though their approach doesn’t work and harms others.
Further, the advancement of civilizations often erodes the ability to successfully “develop” mature men. This paradoxical outcome occurs because many of the initiatory experiences men need to have in order to “grow up” get cleansed away as prosperity and changing values wipe out age-old traditions. For example, how seriously do little boys in upper-middle-class America take confirmations or bar mitzvahs? For many youngsters these rites of passage represent big parties and lucrative paydays, which were not, of course, the original intentions behind the rituals. These rituals were meant to prepare boys to become men in the world, to convey wisdom and garner new skills, not memorize some texts and buy gadgets.
Many of the other experiences that boys used to get from their community included being around elders, observing their parents work, and literally working around the house. Many boys nowadays receive few if any of these experiences.
These experiences prepare boys to live in the world around them and develop resilience for coping with life challenges.
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The rise of extremism around the world, then, suggests that many of these efforts aren’t working very well. It’s easy to identify this extremism in its obvious forms in ISIS, Boko Haram, and similar such groups; it may not be so easy to see that extremism in developed societies appears on the rise as well. Tragic, senseless gun violence in America, Western Europe, and Australia portend difficult challenges ahead. China has seen its fair share of mass violence in recent years.
And while it’s tempting to solve these problems through government action or policy, the reality is that external measures—going to war, passing laws, and limiting access to weapons—can only do so much. Part of the answer must be an internal shift.
We must rediscover, adapt, or develop the right way to help our boys become men, men who have the interior maturity to match their exterior age. We need men who operate with strength and compassion
Dr. Moore provides labels to describe stunted aspects of masculinity. Consider the following descriptors: The Tyrant, The Masochist, The Coward, and The Addicted Lover. Men whose behavior puts them in any of these categories need help and support to mature and come into their fullness.
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So, how in this twenty-first century can we create a world where boys grow up to become men of balance, wisdom, and virtue?
Whether the problem is societal collapse in failed states or rudderless post-modern affluence, traditional structures that develop men are unraveling.
What are the structures in your community that help and support the development of healthy men? What do you want them to be? How can the world create a new way to develop men?
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Photo credit: Flick/Kevin Dooley
Hi David, great article. Off course you cant recommend specific actions or programmes as their are no neat solutions. I have been working with men in prison, in violence prevention groups and mens movement for some 30 years now in Australia. Some highlights are the pathways rites of passage programme for boys around 14 with their dads, small but happening. There has recently been lots of interest in the concept of men as ‘elders’ but that has been cultish and has no sense standards or ethics. Common to both these programmes is the enormous power plays and squabbling between the… Read more »
I’m probably going off topic here: I love the message of this post and I fully believe in looking for ways for us to become better people. I’ve just been wondering though, why does the conversation of growing up almost always seem to be about men? Is it just that women grow up all on their own and it is men who are failing to grow up? Or is it that a boy has to grow up to be a man while a girl becomes a woman by virtue of her age? The answer to this question is quite important… Read more »
Thanda, thanks for much for contributing. I haven’t studied the woman’s journey to adulthood the same way as I have man’s, but I think it’s no less difficult–just different. I do agree with your assessment that the world many of us live in has changed its standards. I think there’s a lot to this. I think that all of these “advancements” are a mixed blessing. We usually see the upside and rarely see the downside.
@ Thanda
The explanation I usually hear is that as people became more efficient they didn’t need to spend all their time focused on survival so they started looking at what made them happy. Children were no longer a person’s retirement plan. Raising children is a lot of work and if there is no longer a personal stake in it many people seem to feel it’s more trouble than it’s worth. Look at the populations of the developed countries. They count on immigration for their labor force.
That’s precisely the point James. People (particularly women) viewing children (and marriage) as more trouble than their worth. That means that children are worth less than careers and fun. That, in my books at least, is immaturity. Furthermore, as you have noted, it isn’t even a case of our not needing children anymore. Japan is struggling because of an ageing population as they have also adopted the principle of career first, everything else second. My problem though is that instead of condemning this we term it freedom, progress, empowerment and all these wonderful names when it is in fact to… Read more »
Your entitled to your perspective but I think it may be a bit tainted. I’m not sure what women you’re focusing on, but it’s not all women. From what I have seen, more women than not are still getting married and having kids (and if they don’t and just want careers and fun, that’s okay too) Personally, I think it’s more mature to avoid marriage and kids when you know you do not want them as opposed to engaging in those life choices without really thinking about it. Also, we don’t need to go backwards in order to remedy this… Read more »
Dee, I’m obviously generalising. I know there are woman who are getting married and having children in their 20s (I’m married to one of them and another is my sister-in-law). I’m obviously not talking about those women. Do you consider it mature for a man in his 20s to decide he’s not ready to get a job? Do you think it is mature for a man in his 30s to decide he’s not ready to move out of his parents’ home? Perhaps you do but most people wouldn’t classify that as being mature. It is generally very easy to decide… Read more »
While organizations, movements, and social structures will help these shifts, really the best way to make it happen is through men being more involved in their children’s upbringing. I have so much hope for the kids I see my friends raising right now. The fathers are very involved in their children’s lives, and boys and girls alike are having opportunities to receive affection and tenderness from their fathers, and also to see their fathers be open and vulnerable. I know my brother is a completely different man since having his daughter three years ago.
M.C., thanks for sharing this hopeful message.
It’s kind of hard for boys to watch their father’s work when society has decided that children don’t need fathers. The tide is hopefully shifting on that. It’s also difficult to tell men that their children matter when women have the right to terminate pregnancies at will. I’m not sure what the fix is for that.
Tough stuff, John. Thanks for acknowledging these challenging issues.
Great lead up. I wish the article concluded with recommendations rather than just questions. Are there examples anywhere where boys are being raised in a balance?
Spencer, thanks very much for your comment. Part of the reason that I left the piece open-ended is that I’m seeking input from folks around the world who have personal experiences with this matter. The other part is that there aren’t too many in my awareness that do this well. I am an initiated member of a men’s group based in the US called Mankind Project (http://mankindproject.org/) that very intentionally attempts to create a strong community for men to emerge as mature, confident, and developed. Beyond that, I’d like to learn more.