Renee Beauregard Lute looks at the rape controversy on The Good Men Project for The Review Review.
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I like my men like I like my literary journals—good and classy. That’s why, when I came across The Good Men Project, I was ecstatic. What began as a documentary and anthology about the defining moments in men’s lives turned into an entire community of men—writer men—sharing relevant, gorgeous, often moving essays in an online journal. (I call it “journal,” they call it “a diverse, multi-faceted media company and an idea-based social platform.” Potato, potahto.) There are women here, too, writing about their experiences with men. The website ends its “About Us” page with a really lovely piece of uplifting, joy-inspiring prose.
Guys today are neither the mindless, sex-obsessed buffoons nor the stoic automatons our culture so often makes them out to be. Our community is smart, compassionate, curious, and open-minded; they strive to be good fathers and husbands, citizens and friends, to lead by example at home and in the workplace, and to understand their role in a changing world. The Good Men Project is a place where that happens. We’re glad to have you along for the ride.
Some of the most popular stories at The Good Men Project include Henry Belanger’s “Not Now, Honey. I’m Late for Gay Softball” (I die. The story’s good, but the title! The title is phenomenal), Ted Cox’s “Undercover at a Christian Gay-to-Straight Conversion Camp” (holy cow), and Lisa Hickey’s difficult and important piece, “I Used to Stand in Dark Hallways and Say ‘Kiss Me.’” I’ve spent hours on this website. It’s easy to do. But because I am not known to be shy about a controversy, I’m not going to write about these beautiful, moving pieces, which I do hope you’ll read. I’m going to write about the recent essays that have gotten The Good Men Project accused of being rape sympathizers.
Recently Salon published an article entitled “The Good Men Project is being awfully sympathetic to rapists.” (They say that all publicity is good publicity, but I’m willing to bet that TGMP does not feel that way at all.) Three TGMP essays are cited in the article: “Nice Guys Commit Rape Too,” by Alyssa Royse, “I’d Rather Risk Rape Than Quit Partying,” in which the author remains anonymous (for obvious reasons), and Joanna Schroeder’s “This is Why We Published a Rapist’s Story,” a companion piece to the anonymous essay.
I’m going to break down these essays that Salon didn’t love so much.
In Royse’s essay, the author writes about being the friend of someone who is accused of rape. In the horrible event that a friend calls to say I was raped, the listener knows exactly what to feel—horror, sadness, anger. In the event that a friend calls to say I am being accused of rape, things get very uncertain. I don’t think anyone would know what to feel. This is what makes me feel for Royse. This—the loyalty in friendship directly opposing the loyalty in being a woman with a woman’s body and a woman’s knowledge that no means no, always, no matter what—is what makes her essay a very challenging, interesting read. I could easily see this as the plot of a new Jodi Picoult novel.
Unfortunately, the essay doesn’t stop there. The bit of the essay that Salon quotes with almost palpable revulsion is: “I had watched the woman in question flirt aggressively with my friend for weeks. I had watched her sit on his lap, dance with him, twirl his hair in her fingers. I had seen her at parties discussing the various kinds of sex work she had done, and the pleasure with which she explored her own very fluid sexuality.” Okay, this is scary stuff. It sounds a little like we’re a few bites into a great big “SHE ASKED FOR IT” falafel. But wait! Royse doesn’t quite go there. Not quite. She continues: “This is not a ‘some girls, they rape so easy’ story. I promise. This is a ‘some signals, they read so wrong’ story. And the fault is not hers, it’s ours—all of ours—for not explaining what these signals DON’T mean, even if we don’t know exactly what they DO mean.” I understand what Royse is saying, and I also understand why Salon (and Feministe, who writes: “This piece by Alyssa Royse of the Good Men Project…may be the worst thing I have read about rape all year — and that’s including the GOP’s pre-election bout of Rape Philosophy”) is so disturbed. My official position on Royse’s piece is that I’m glad it has people talking about rape.
The Good Men Project published another, far more horrifying piece. Salon, Feministe, BlogHer, and other journals and blogs have been talking about this piece, and now it’s my turn. The title of the essay is “I’d Rather Risk Rape Than Quit Partying.” It is the first-hand account of a man who admits that he is a rapist, that he has raped as a result of being under the influence, but that he does not plan to change the lifestyle that has led him to rape. Pretty horrifying stuff. At one point, he addresses his readers: “Some might think it’s monstrous of me to keep drinking, keep partying. But I have had so many good, positive, happy experiences because I took a chance and altered my state and connected with someone else sexually, it seems crazy to throw all that away. Do people who’ve been in car accidents give up driving?” Gah. This is really stomach-turning stuff.
The essay is unsettling, and the man behind it is disgusting. However, most of the press this essay has received hasn’t been directed at the author, but at The Good Men Project. (Feministe calls TGMP “a men’s-rights misogynist hellhole.”) Joanna Schroeder, Senior Editor of The Good Men Project, wrote a follow-up piece, entitled “This is Why We Published A Rapist’s Story.” In her essay, she writes of the anonymous author: “But he’s not the only one. No, he’s far from the only one. People, particularly young people, are putting themselves in dangerous situations on a regular basis because of their partying. A few hours, weeks, or years down the line, the hurt and pain caused by these scenarios might become very real to them and they will start to see the ways in which they were taken advantage of—or took advantage of others.” If the reason TGMP published the anonymous essay is to warn readers—male and female—of the dangers of this lifestyle, of the possibilities, well, okay. They are certainly bringing this kind of rape—the kind that does not take place in a dark alley or involve a knife—into conversation, and I think that’s invaluable.
Here’s the thing. I have a daughter. Maybe you have a daughter too, or a son. If the world they step into at eighteen is one that recognizes that rape is rape, however it happens, wherever it happens, maybe they’ll be safer. Maybe we’ll be able to sleep a little better. If awareness is something that TGMP has accomplished in publishing these essays, then I’m all for it.
The majority of this review (which has turned into more of an essay) was written before the horrible tragedy that took place in Connecticut on Friday, December 14th. Since Friday, The Good Men Project has published a number of beautiful, searching essays that address the culture of violence as it applies to the young men of our country. Tom Matlack’s piece, “Why Our Boys Need The Good Men Project,” ends with these words that, I feel, define the mission of TGMP: “I think all our boys need a forum like The Good Men Project to make them realize they are not alone, they are not hated, that what they see online in terms of sex and violence and manhood is a pale shadow of real manhood. We need to love our boys so they learn the power of their own love as husbands, fathers and men.”
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Originally published on The Review Review
About The Review Review
At last – someone who gets the reason to draw attention to the issues rather than the interminable and never ending opinion that some with Bloggehea have about the issues. The sooner there is loud control placed on-line so that some can be either tuned down or out the better!
In my opinion the debate over rape culture and communication is far from over, and we need more of this. No matter what some blogger will think or say. The debate is far to much important and I suggest the GMP to insist on the road taken. Good job GMP.
We need more like you
I also belive that the people who get outraged by the controversial articles posted here on GMP, in reality they are more concerned in keeping the social limitations, rather than helping to fix or talk about the problem. I question their moral integrity, because if for you its more important to keep a old dusty tabu alive it means you are part of the problem. If you are part of the problem that means your opposition is a logical thing. But that also mean you are not interested in understand and remove the social limitation that keep both genders in bondage.
So I laude GMP, and I ask for more.
Rape happens, and it’s tragic. I’m not so sure about rape culture. At times, I think the “rape culture” discourse has been a subtle way of late feminism disempowering women. There is rape culture in prisons, or in Bosnia in the mid-90s. There’s a way that feminism as an institution or social structure (what have you) wants to perpetuate an idea of “no progress” and everything is hell all over. This kind of stance serves moral entrepreneurs, who benefit from emphasizing dysfunction. At any rate, I do think potent, empowered women– not really the kind feminist leadership seems to want to invoke– are the way to defeat rapists. At any rate, I don’t think this site should be a home for scolds, which it has been in the past. Yes, I do think that Salon and Feministe are a bit much. And I don’t know why I’m getting two Salons a day now. One was enough.
The way to defeat rapists has little to do with empowering women, Hank. I think it has to do with empowering men and women to know more about rape and why it happens, identifying the serial rapists that were found in the MacWhorter and Lisak/Miller studies and either rehabing them or removing them from society permanently, and discontinuing the societal bullshit we see in the media that encourages sexual aggression and dehumanization of women. Also, by finding ways to process DNA in rape cases more rapidly so that there are more accurate convictions in rape cases to get more rapists off the street and the innocent men who’ve been wrongly convicted OUT of prison.
As far as rape against men goes, we need to de-stigmatize sexual assault against men, educate men and women about the importance of respecting men’s bodies and boundaries the same way we (should) respect women’s, and stop making rape against men into acceptable humor.
All of these things will help end rape. Not empowering women. Women should be empowered because it’s the right thing to do, and because we deserve it.
But rape needs to be ended BY THE RAPISTS.
Joanna, I have a friend who argues for broad concealed carry as something that might enable potential rape victims to defend themselves. Although I am a Second Ammendment advocate, I think I don’t want to see more pistols in the streets, especially in the light of recent events. But certainly schools and colleges could harden women with self-defense classes.
Even though I am a sociologist, this is not my area, but I will try to find the studies you bring up. I did use a book recently about sexual assaults on campus that says that the rape rate for women is far lower than the 30-40 percent that is often alleged, lifetime, and it’s more like six percent. No matter; it should happen extremely rarely; no argument.
Okay, and I have to preface this by saying I don’t watch TV (I’m not a snob– we discontinued it because of the expense, and because neither of us enjoyed many programs,) my impression is that much of these media show women as far more empowered and less sex-objects than it did when I was a kid or even in my 40s. I’m 67. Yes, the ads still often get too close to women’s (and men’s) bodies. Rock and rap videos still have misogynistic themes, but this has declined since the 90s, I think. I don’t know if we can take the psuedo-pornographic discourse out of ads and videos with the First Ammendment we have now. Meantime, actual porn in some of its sub-generes is getting “slightly” more egalitarian, with women experiencing actual orgasms, seeming to be more at agency, etc. I agree that it’s still an objectifying medium– but it’s probably a little more consumed by both sexes.
I like the idea of dealing with rape-perps a little more like child molesters– with much more aggressive case management and rehab/monitoring. That’s similar to the point I made about monitoring antecedant behavior for people who make mass murder threats, as opposed to gun control (which is I think actually weaker.) Perhaps violence against others threats or even pro-sexual-exploitation discussions could be taken more seriously. I have had students that were not only raped, but chronically abused by the rapists they continued to live with. I think some men do reinforce others who do this.
What I’m afraid of here, I think, being an ex-hippy after the military, is a society that becomes too puritanical again, with surplus boundaries, and a general lack of (good) eros. Yes, there is much still putting others at risk (this capitalist society has been called the “risk” society,) but I wonder if there is some polarization that has happened since I was younger. I think men are less chivalrous toward women– I know that may sound sexist– and I don’t know if that lack of chivalry is a good thing.
Aggressive criminal prosecution of rapists is the best way to combat rape in my opinion. To stop rape, victims must be willing to report, police must investigate, DA’s must press charges and juries must convict, anf sentences must fit the crime. In so many discussions today, few people really understand what a debt we owe to feminists (yes those bad old feminists) who worked tirelessly in the 1960′s and 1970′s to change the legal system. The enactment of rape shield laws, which prohibit defense attorneys from using character evidence against the victim at trial (arguing that the victim was a “slut” used to be a standard and perfectly acceptablr tactic) was a milestone that changed rape prosecutions forever. Women could press charges without fear that they would be dragged through the mud. Getting serial rapists and other sexual predators off the street permanently, or at least for a very long time, was also key, since it is a small minority of men who commit most of the rapes and they have very high rates of recidivism.
Legal terminology is interesting. In older legal cases, the alleged rape victim is always called the “prosecutrix.” In other words, she’s the one “prosecuting” the crime. Not the state. Not “the people.” Her. With other crimes, you had the victim or alleged victim. The crime of rape wasn’t seen as an offense against the community as a whole, it was only an offense against her, “the prosecutrix,” and it was her job to prove it. It demonstrates the societal attitude toward rape at the time, almost as if the whole legal system that was set up to punish crime found the subject of rape to be rather distasteful and the victim had to be set apart, almost as if she was on her own in the courtroom. And that was often how it was.
Aggressive criminal prosecution of rapists is the best way to combat rape in my opinion.
That may scan better of the “In My Opinion..” was upfront. A strong opening to cover a weak ending just don’t work on people as it used to! Three musts as well – the old rule of three! Ever thought of running for office?
typing comments on my phone tends to impact literary quality.
It just makes mine shorter! P^)