We also need to recognize the value of femininity—in both boys and girls.
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Whether we want to admit it or not, there are times we all deeply appreciate masculinity. This article printed in the Wall Street Journal in 2001 shortly after September 11 sums up the admiration we all felt (and still feel) for the masculine men who risked their lives both during and after the crisis. The kinds of men who “push things and pull things and haul things and build things, men who charge up the stairs in a hundred pounds of gear and tell everyone else where to go to be safe.”
I “liked” a Facebook post just today about a man who passed away from a respiratory disease he acquired during the rescue and recovery operations after 9-11. I am unspeakably grateful for this man, and all others like him. Masculinity isn’t bad.
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What is problematic is the fact that we value it more than femininity—in both boys and girls. I was at a boys vs girls soccer game the other day where the girls won. All the moms started chanting “girl power, girl power!” It was a fun moment, but also one that demonstrated how our efforts to bridge the equality gap have primarily focused on nurturing masculine qualities in girls, rather than feminine qualities in boys. I’ve never heard a dad chant “boy power” or give someone a high five after watching his son do something characteristically feminine, like care for a friend or family member—even though that’s arguably a more valuable life skill. Femininity isn’t the same as masculinity, but it’s just as important.
There’s nothing wrong with nurturing masculine qualities in girls. There’s also nothing wrong with nurturing feminine qualities in boys.
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Everyone knows intuitively what masculinity and femininity are. We form ideas about them through observation starting from the moment we are born; but spelling out definitions we can all agree on is more difficult. What you observe in your life about men and women will differ from what I observe in mine, and because of that, our definitions will differ. For my four-year-old, earrings are feminine, because most of the men in his life don’t wear them and most of the women do. For other four-year-olds, with earring-wearing fathers, this jewelry item might not seem feminine at all.
There are as many definitions of masculinity and femininity as there are people, but certain themes remain consistent across current research. In her book Sex and Gender, Dr. Hillary Lips says masculinity is, “characterized by…an orientation toward action, accomplishment and leadership.” She adds that femininity is characterized by, “an orientation toward emotion and relationships.”
Let’s think about this for a minute. What kind of person would have no drive or action oriented qualities? Only someone in a vegetative state of some kind. And what kind of person would have no relationship-oriented qualities? Only a sociopath. Virtually everyone, male and female, possesses a unique combination of both masculinity and femininity.
There’s nothing wrong with nurturing masculine qualities in girls. Girls can be confident, strong, and daring leaders. There’s also nothing wrong with nurturing feminine qualities in boys. Boys can be sensitive, gentle, and soft-hearted partners. It’s every bit as important for boys to believe they have the power to form and maintain meaningful relationships as it is for girls to believe they have the power to make their dreams come true.
Men who risk their lives wouldn’t do it if they didn’t care. It’s their femininity that makes their masculinity noble.
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Humans need both action and connection to survive. Johann Hari says in his book, Chasing the Scream: The First and Last Days of the War on Drugs, that connection is the opposite of addiction. A lack of close friends has been shown to be as dangerous to your health as smoking. After a divorce, people are three times more likely to commit suicide, and men are nine times more likely to do so than women.
Femininity matters.
I’m sure you’ve heard phrases like, “Man up,” “Sissy,” and “Grow a pair.” The subtext of these phrases is that femininity is weak and undesirable, but the truth is, we wouldn’t value masculinity without its complementary feminine aspects. Those men who risk their lives charging up stairs with 100 pounds of gear wouldn’t do it if they didn’t care. It’s their femininity that makes their masculinity noble.
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Someone on my blog shared a story the other day about her grandsons. She said her older grandson was angry and grouchy over the holidays. Her four-year-old grandson recognized this and hugged his brother, saying, “I’m going to hug him until he’s Jessop again.”
Boys can be natural nurturers, but if we value their masculinity so much we try to change, or worse, ridicule, their feminine qualities, we harm our boys and demean our girls. That’s when attitudes about masculinity become toxic and dangerous.
So whether you have naturally wild children, or more tender children, love and appreciate them. Nurture their drive and assertiveness as well as their emotionality and interpersonal skills, so that everyone, male and female, can make their dreams come true, and embody emotional health.
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Also by Christine Walker:
The One Thing Men Should Do if They Want Better Friends
Google ‘Boys are Stupid, Throw Rocks at Them’ and Watch What Happens
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This post is republished on Medium.
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I have been cooking since the age of five, I do not consider it feminine. I told my mother that I never wanted to get married or ever have kids, she said that I better learn to cook. So I did. I see it as Kitchen Chemistry, I even write a food blog for cooking tips. In America, No women are allowed in my kitchen. In Ukraine, I am learning the local recipes from the best Babyshkas around. Men it is time to make sure your Man Cave includes the oven, range, grill and goes beyond the microwave. Google #He4Sammich… Read more »
“masculine” “feminine” qualities? “Men who risk their lives wouldn’t do it if they didn’t care. It’s their femininity that makes their masculinity noble” I thought we were trying to get away from attributing these traits to one gender or another? My son-in-law is a fireman and I clearly see these qualities in him. He displays these quality in all aspects of his life. I see repeated attempts via various articles, encouraging men to expand their emotional portfolio. Ya think it’s gonna help to apply a gender to an emotion or a skill set? IMHO, you’ve set things BACK rather then… Read more »
You make an excellent point, I would prefer to use non-gendered terms like yin and yang, but we can’t escape the fact that our brains subconsciously categorize people. This is how we make sense of our circumstances quickly instead of having to evaluate everything as if seeing it for the first time. As a society that has predominantly 2 genders, our brains will continue to identify qualities that are most commonly found in each – whether we want them to or not. So, you can use the terms masculine, feminine, yin, yang or totally new terms, but it won’t change… Read more »
I have to respectfully disagree with you. When I see my son changing the oil in his car, I neither see the event as masculine or feminine in that my daughter is able to do the same. When I see my son making pasta, I see it as neither masculine or feminine. Although my daughter is now a stay at home mom, her fireman husband clearly fits a variety of roles which include nurturing. Men have had these capabilities and skill sets for countless years so I don’t know why or when the “assign a gender” came about. I prefer… Read more »
Of course you don’t see things as masculine or feminine, you consciously understand that reality matters infinitely more than gendered expectations, but not everyone does. Most people have pretty entrenched ideas about masculinity and femininity by the age of five – whether they label them as such or not makes no difference.
I think we’re on the same team here.
“… qualities most commonly found in women …” Commonly found ONLY because society has not wanted to recognize that men have the same qualities. And if I were a feminist, I’d be PO’d to even think that a women’s skill set, as a women, wouldn’t naturally include that which you consider “masculine.”
Yes! It makes me angry every day, but being angry won’t change it. What will change it is making it more visible so the things we observe as toddlers, when our ideas are forming, are more equitable.
Those men who risk their lives charging up stairs with 100 pounds of gear wouldn’t do it if they didn’t care. Sorry Christine, this is an interesting piece but there is so much you get wrong simply because you are not a man. The quote above has nothing to do with caring or not caring; it also comes across as more than a little womansplaining. It is not about caring or not caring, but about the fearlessness and the White Knight Syndrome that is instilled and impressed upon us of what being “A Real Man(TM)” entails. Care does not come… Read more »
expected to her husband to investigate somebody breaking into their house *sigh* too early in the morning for proper proofreading.
Ironically, FrankS, I wrote the piece you are referring to: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/tender-and-tough-the-impossible-task-we-give-our-men-dg/ I may be a woman, but I live in a house full of men. I don’t understand everything, but I understand enough. Women can change. I did. You might be right that men feel it is a duty or a gendered expectation, but they still have a choice. If I hear a scary noise in the middle of the night, I might expect my husband to get out of bed, but he can still choose to say no. There’s no way I can physically force him to get up.… Read more »
I don’t understand everything, but I understand enough. Women can change. I did And I appreciate your efforts in that area, even if some don’t. However, just as I can never get a 100% understanding of your life experiences as a woman, you you will never understand 100% the life experiences of any man. Not enough women are willing to understand or even listen to men about our experiences. There is a certain pompousness, I think, that many women feel they know all there is to know about men already, so why bother trying? Even fewer are interested in hearing… Read more »
You’re absolutely right, it’s a crappy choice, but it’s still a choice. If you study women’s history, you can see women have faced their own sets of horrible choices. The movie Iron Jawed Angels tells some of the stories of abuse women suffered just trying to get the right to vote. Their courage propelled society forward though. And I hope more men will continue to push to propel us forward as well. You’re also right that I will never understand 100% what it’s like to be a man. What I do understand is what it felt like to be a… Read more »
You’re absolutely right, it’s a crappy choice, but it’s still a choice. No, you still don’t get it. If you study women’s history… So that is what we are coming to now,. “my struggles are worse than yours”? That’s irrelevant and derailing your own thread. I’ll ask the same question I asked on another thread this week – I have never said men’s struggles are worse than women’s and nor would I ever suggest that. So why are so many women so disparaging of men’s struggles? Why when men try to talk about the unique experiences of being a man… Read more »
Christine, thanks for clarifying.
I know we’ve interacted on many threads before and I never genuinely believed you were suggesting that. I was just shocked because you are so reasonable and open most of the time, more so than many other writers who contribute on this subject, and I never expected it from you.
Anyway, thanks again. It’s been enlightening 🙂
There’s no option to reply to your comment below for some reason, so if this response seems out of place, I apologize. I’m also sorry if it seemed like I was trying to say women’s struggles were worse. That wasn’t my intention at all. I was simply trying to say that changing society is hard, but it can be done. Clearly men’s issues are not a joke, and I don’t know why some women disparage them. Those who do are wrong, and actually making things harder for themselves because women’s issues and men’s issues are interconnected. We cannot make life… Read more »
Strange, I couldn’t reply either. Anyway, if you scroll up a bit you’ll see I responded again 🙂 Must be a bug with the site or something
Tis bullshit – and every nerd, geek, dweeb, dork, egghead or book worm guy that went through Jr High, High School and College KNOWS it. You – the sensitive, caring, emotional and attentive male – will be DUMPED time and time again for the brash, bold, muscular and confident ‘Alpha Male’ or ‘Bad Boy’ – with out exception. If she ain’t dumped you, she is cheating on you behind your back. Go this path at your own folly and expense. If you really want to ‘Man – Up’ : claim your independence, and walk away from the game altogether. Go… Read more »
Boris, when I read what you wrote a light went off in my head. I’ve never thought about it but while in HS and college, I had the making of an “artist.” Having received a scholarship to the Chicago Art Institute/U of C, I could have easily been a successful starving artist. But it was the side of me where I worked on cars, went hunting and camping (the stereotypical) that attracted girls to me. I guess I never saw it that way.
Amen, from a guy who never learned this lesson until way too late, and it now a card carrying member of the Genetic Dead-End Club.