One man’s emotional journey through the preparation for fatherhood, the loss of the child, and the empowerment to bring masculinity into the 21st century.
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More than a year ago I took to my Twitter account, @robdeleonjr and sent a message to coach, @TonyDungy and said, “Been thinking about starting an #MVPDad chapter in my hometown, but I’m not a father. Should I expect resistance?” This was May 20, 2013.
At 32, I was days away from getting married and little did I know that just a few days after I sent that tweet, I would discover that I myself would become a father. It’s almost as if knew I wanted to learn more about fatherhood and what a better way to do it than to engage other men about it to discuss what being a dad is all about.
I spent my thirty-third birthday in Washington, D.C. on business which I remember clearly because the day after, July 25, while trying not to make too much commotion while making my way into our bedroom; I’m surprised with flowers, a card and a stuffed (papa) bear holding a baby bear in it’s arms. At that moment, I just had to read what my wife wrote, in sum she wrote,
“I know you are going to be a great father.”
I recall sitting there, in tears while my wife slept because I knew that this pregnancy, this child was going to be the best gift I had ever received, plus it was also the first time I had ever received flowers.
Now that my wife was headed past the first trimester, the excitement of fatherhood sunk in and I was eager, more than ever to start a fatherhood group in our community. For years, I had dabbled in non-violence prevention programs and community outreach so I was comfortable engaging men to discuss topics important to our wellbeing – healthy relationships, masculinity, and the causes and consequences of intimate partner violence. I spent most of my days talking to both men and boys of all ages and the coolest ones, if you ask, me were where we had multigenerational groups: gramps, dad, and sons. Those groups filled a void in my life, because of the relationship with my grandpa, my father was absent for most of my adult life, and those memories I had as a child are vague and not easy to remember. In all, there were times where I struggled to truly understand how I myself was going to be prepared to be a father.
I made sure I was at every single doctor’s appointment because I wanted to learn how I could better assist my wife.
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My wife, as expected, was experiencing cravings and for a good while it was pickles – she was eating pickles like no tomorrow that we ended up calling our child, “pickles.” It was cute but it got me thinking, not only do I not know how to be a dad, I really had no clue on how to work with my wife during her pregnancy, as it was – there was little or no interaction at each and every single one of her appointments. I made sure I was at every single doctor’s appointment because I wanted to learn how I could better assist my wife. I learned about prenatal care and at times even joked at the job that I wanted to become the first male-doula or “dude-la”. Yes, I wanted to be involved and for me this involvement would only bring me and baby even closer, at that, it would bring my wife and me closer.
In many respects, my training prepared me to not only feel secure about my masculinity it helped me understand that as a man, I’m capable of being loving, nurturing, and a caregiver to our children. If you were born in the 80’s you may know how I felt, I needed input a la Johnny 5 and read up on everything I could possibly could – even bought myself some books to get any and all advice possible. I’ll say this, there was not a whole lot out there to help me get through, in comparison to the “mommy-to-be” literature, there was almost nothing out there for men to read up on. The one book I did get, The Expectant Father by Armin A. Brott and Jennifer Ash, opened the world to fatherhood like no other and this is coming from a “master trainer” in the fatherhood realm. The book was helpful, it taught me about mom, baby and even more about myself, from the get go it discusses with the reader opportunities to stay involved during and well beyond the pregnancy. Helpful? Absolutely!
But even after reading this, I was beyond scared and for the life of me I was dumbfounded by the ongoing struggle and belief that I would be a poor father echoing what other men told me during our conversations about masculinity and fatherhood:
- I’m not perfect
- I don’t make enough money
- My dad wasn’t around – I don’t know what I’m supposed to do as a father.
I was buying into this (the same things I taught against – i.e. patriarchy), and with my training in the field coming from some of the best in the world: Jerry Tello, Emiliano Diaz De Leon, Tony Porter and Ted Bunch, I could not begin to understand why I was so unprepared; sadly I wasn’t unable to reach out for help either. I put myself in the “man box” and went on my daily life telling myself – I GOT THIS! I wanted to be in control, I wanted to have power.
I really didn’t. I was unprepared and boy was I. Nothing could prepare me for what was about to happen. Shortly after my thirty-third birthday, my wife and I ended up in the E.R. just as a precaution for some of her discomfort. As seconds turned to minutes and those minutes slowly into hours a nurse came into see us to record a sonogram, asked a few questions and left us behind the curtain to wait once more. Our wait was over right around dawn when the doctor came in and reported that throughout the sonogram there were no heart tones – in laymen’s terms, there was no heartbeat. Confused. I asked, what do you mean? After he made his recommendations, he left – nowhere to be seen. I mean what else can you say besides, I’m sorry for your loss. I remember looking at my wife with this puzzled look at my face – the room silent. I didn’t know what to say to her… honestly, I don’t even know what I was feeling at the moment. As I was when he broke the news, there I was – dazed and confused.
I’d get asked how she was doing – how she was coming along.
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Days, weeks and months later and even up to a few weeks ago; I would find myself crying alone or in bed next to my wife mourning the loss of our child. In all of my training and/or talks about fatherhood not once was the possibility of miscarriage ever mentioned or discussed. During our next few visits to the doctor’s, they were truly empathetic to our situation and did their best to explain to us that these things happen and that neither one of us was to blame. The weeks that followed people we both knew asked how the pregnancy was coming along and mostly, I’d get asked how she was doing – how she was coming along. In some cases I had to play it off and say, “she’s great – thanks,” while others were told what had happened and that we had lost the baby. As mentioned before, people would ask how she was doing and if we planned to try again.
With our loss in July, I found myself creeping back into the “man box” from time-to-time because at times I found it difficult to let my wife know how I was truly feeling – yet when it came to comfort her it was never a problem, emotionally I was there for her, as she was for me but more times than not, I masked up the hurt, the pain. I did what I was taught from a very young age, that as a man I must not display my vulnerability, that to be a man, I must man up – that I could not cry. These were trying times for us both more but I found myself going back and forth between how society has conditioned me to be a man versus what I’ve learned in this new generation of manhood.
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In learning how to cope and deal with the rollercoaster of emotions, I channeled new found energies into my relationship with my wife and my work. I was dedicated more than ever to get programs off the ground for men that went past the pilot stage. I envisioned a program for men and boys that would help them deal with some of the hardships in life be it absent fathers, patriarchy and misogyny. I knew I wanted to have discussions about our health, our wellbeing, and the heath inequity that takes place in our lives and those in the lives of men we love. We can’t say that one of us experienced more pain than the other, but I do know that my wife carried our child well over 3 months and I will never know the experience of losing what was growing inside of her; but I will say that during that time, something was growing inside of me too – that is, love for our child.
On October 29, 2013 I decided to start up my own non-profit organization in Bro Models. Although our focus is on male non-violence programs, we also work with men to discuss the important of fatherhood and support all fathers. In discussing this not to long ago, men often times are held back to talk about their success, challenges and/or barriers in fatherhood because of our outdated belief of masculinity.
As we head into June, my wife and I will celebrate our anniversary and it’s likely that as we experienced on Mother’s Day that we talk about our angel again during Father’s Day. That thinking led to this article but best of all, I think coach was onto something – he saw something in me before I even did and it’s clearer now than it was then. I’m still not a father but Coach Dungy made it clear to me and I kept my promise by listening to his simple yet powerful response,
“You would be great. And there are a lot of children without dads who could use your encouragement!”
Although I am not the father to many of the boys and men I speak to, both my wife and coach were right – I am great. To some a great friend, to others a brother and to many of the boys I’ve met, perhaps they see me as the father they never had, even if for a minute.
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I’m sorry man.
This is something that doesn’t get explored too often because doing so is considered an affront to women (“How dare you not put 110% of the focus on her, she’s the one carrying the child.” type attitude).
I appreciate you sharing.
Thanks for reading.
Fellas, thank you! John, I I think that’s a great conversation to have with men we serve in our program.
The power of your vulnerability is refreshing, thanks for sharing loving and being the good man.
I’m sorry for your loss. Men also suffer from post abortion stress especially if they were against the choice. Would you consider expanding your program to assist them and would that change your position on whether abortion should be legal?
Robert, thank you for sharing this. I think a lot of society minimizes the dad in these situations. I say “dad” because many men start their dreaming of how they will be a dad the moment they hear that their wife is pregnant. The excitement, joy, fears … all the emotions start the moment they hear the news.
I’m sorry for your loss but I’m glad you didn’t bottle up those feeling. Take care of yourself and your wife.