Three generations of men answer five questions about how the years changed their perspectives, relationships, and health.
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Despite what I tell myself every morning at 4:30 to get myself out of bed, I’m not Batman. I have no sub-terrestrial cave and no BatSignal to rally my trusty friends together. Instead, I rely on my cracked iPhone 5s to call my man council when I need advice.
Recently I rallied my council to gather some perspectives and tips about aging as a man. I wanted to know their thoughts about society’s stereotypes about male aging, as well as their own mindsets.
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My man council consists of my older brother, my father, my uncle, my grandfather and myself. My first son was born a few years ago, and I got the idea of putting together an intergenerational group of dudes so Bartholemew (my son, now four) could have male role models who will be there for him as he grows up. We don’t chat often, but when we do, it’s great.
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Recently I rallied my council to gather some perspectives and tips about aging as a man. I wanted to know their thoughts about society’s stereotypes about male aging, as well as their own mindsets. I also wanted their practical advice on responsibilities, relationships and health issues. I found our conversation enlightening:
Question 1: What do you think about aging?
Dad: I don’t have too much control over it. I guess it’s part of the biological process. But you do have the responsibility to make some preparations for the transition to the next stage of life. The more prepared you are, the smoother things are. The converse is true, too.
Grandfather: I’m 84. I can’t not think about aging. I think about tomorrow. I think about all the stuff I still want to do.
Older brother: I don’t think about aging. Why do you always bring up such stupid topics when we get together?
Uncle: I worry about it. There’s a history of heart disease on my father’s side. I take medication to keep my blood pressure down and I try to be healthy. But I worry about how my health issues will affect my wife and kids.
Question 2: When you were 25, did you think about growing old?
Not really, it just never crossed my mind. I’m 45 now, but I still feel like I’m 25. I feel fine and I don’t really have to do anything differently.
Older brother: Not really, it just never crossed my mind. I’m 45 now, but I still feel like I’m 25. I feel fine and I don’t really have to do anything differently.
Grandfather: No, none of us did. We did so many stupid things in those days. Sometimes I wonder how any of us made it to be old.
Dad: At every step of the way I wanted to be better, both financially and intellectually. At 25 I felt wiser than ever and ready to take on the world. I didn’t have a road map to say, “This is how I’m going to progress,” but I had a schematic as to what I was going to be doing. But there is always more to learn. As you age, you have a larger knowledge base, and you can make better predictions about the results of your actions. As you go forward, you have more realistic expectations.
Question 3: How do you think aging differs for men and women?
Uncle: Women feel a lot of pressure from society to look beautiful. Every other commercial you see is telling women they need to get rid of wrinkles and dark spots and grey hair. In the movies you see a lot of older men, but hardly any older women. As men, we don’t have the same kind of pressure about our looks. When we get old and wrinkly we look “distinguished.” I certainly spend a lot less money on anti-aging products than my wife!
Dad: I can’t speak as a woman. Your mom was more nervous about moving forward than I was. I am not worried about the unknown. If you want to have kids, you have a timeline. For those worried about the maturation process, then it’s different. Women seem to worry about that more.
Question 4: How do relationships change as you age?
Grandfather: It doesn’t change with your kids. They are still your kids, even if they are grownups and have children of their own.
As you get older, you realize what romance is. It’s not about lovemaking. It’s about sharing your thoughts and your mindset.
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Uncle: Friendships take more work. I’ve done a lousy job being a social being. It’s too easy to just hang out with my wife watching Netflix. But if you don’t hang out or talk with your friends, are you really friends? You have to make it a point to maintain friendships.
Older brother: As I’ve gotten older, my relationship has gotten better with my siblings. We understand each other better now. I thought you were a shit for most of the last 30 years.
Question 5: Has your idea of romance changed as you’ve gotten older?
Dad: As you get older, you realize what romance is. It’s not about lovemaking. It’s about sharing your thoughts and your mindset. As I get older, I realize that sharing your personal life is sharing your space and time with someone who cares about it. When I was younger, I was so focused on work. As I honed my craft, I realized I had to hone my relationships as well. The chemistry fires up again. It’s great to talk to someone who listens and hears it all. You learn not to take things or people for granted.
Uncle: Well, not all of us have your marriage.
Grandfather: Ha. Ha. I just want it to be functional. I consider that a good day.
Question 6: How is your health? How do you think that affects you and aging?
Older brother: It’s good now. I need to manage my health better. I stay physical, but I don’t always eat smart. I don’t use tobacco or alcohol anymore, but I wish I didn’t when I was 20. I shouldn’t have procrastinated and waited for the tire to go flat in my 30s.
Dad: My grandfather didn’t plan. When he had a stroke it was different. He had to rely on us to take care of him, and that put a lot of pressure on my mom. I don’t want my years to be like that. I don’t want to have to depend on others to take care of me. So I try to eat well and take care of my health.
Uncle: All of us should have done better when we were younger. But, I suppose we just have to try to do a bit better every day.
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The man council has spoken. We shared our worries, heard advice and were reassured. A final piece of advice for you from me: Build a man council of your own.
With friends and family to have your back, you might just feel like a superhero yourself. Aging is something we all go through, but it is easier if we go through it together.
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Photo: Getty Images
This was very entertaining! Sounds just like my family
I like this idea because I don’t see my brothers as often as I would like. This sort of “man council” would be a nice tradition to start as my son is growing up himself.
My husband is a lot like the older brother in this story. He doesn’t spend nearly enough time with his guy buddies. I think having a man council would really help him. We can share many things, but I’m no replacement for his bros.