How can you keep a conversation going with a complete stranger, and create that “connected” feeling?
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I just finished an awesome men’s workshop (bootcamp) this weekend, and just as always the first thing my students asked me was “How do you keep a conversation going? It always seems to go dead after opening.”
This is actually very simple to do. To start, you have to have the right mindset. I’m not talking about emotions here, I’m talking about the way you actually think about meeting women.
Most guys typically go into a conversation with an attractive women trying to impress her with what they do, what they have, who they know, and how interesting they are, “Look at how cool I am, I do stuff.”
This is a completely backwards and insecure way to present yourself to a woman. For starters it demonstrates a lack of confidence, and it also conveys how “un-cool” you are. This is the try-hard approach to attracting women, and try-hard’s are never cool.
A cool guy is just cool in and of himself, without having to demonstrate anything. He has presence, energy, and doesn’t try to overextend himself to impress others. It’s the fact that he doesn’t try to impress others that creates a strong impression on those he talks to, and even people whom he doesn’t interact with directly. It draws other people in, he doesn’t have to act to get attention.
What this means for a conversation with a woman is that he doesn’t say things to impress her or make her like him. He talks about things because he want’s to, and he never gives away too much information about himself (Think about the guy who talks too much on a date, the topic is always himself and women hate this).
Guys run out of things to say because they are trying to say things that they think women will like. When you’re talking to your friends, do you ever worry about running out of things to say? Neither do I, and the reason is because we don’t give a shit about saying “The wrong thing,” We just talk naturally and carefree.
It’s easy to get stumped and run out of things to say if you care too much about whether or not someone is going to like you or not. If you just talk, and clear your mind of the need to impress others, it becomes so much easier.
Of course that’s nice to say (and it’s true) but most guys also want a technique or structure to follow. Don’t worry, it’s coming below.
Another aspect of having a continuous conversation that flows without awkward breaks is simply to focus on the most interesting topic there is in a conversation, the woman you’re talking to. Everybody loves to talk about themselves, and if you focus on her you will become the most interesting man in the world.
It also makes it easy find a topic to talk about because the topic will always be her. This makes sense in more ways than one because you are talking to someone new, and should learn about her.
A lot of “dating coaches” say not to say boring things like “What do you do?” but this is garbage dating advice. It’s not what you’re saying that is the most important thing, it’s how you deliver what you’re saying. I’ll explain more.
The Truth About Content In A Conversation
Imagine someone walking up to you at a party. His shoulders are rolled forward, head is down and he’s looking at the ground. Not only that but his hands are in his pockets, and when he walks up to you he’s turned at an angle instead of standing squarely facing you. He doesn’t make eye contact, and when he speaks it’s very quiet and without enthusiasm or energy in the tone of his voice. Sounds depressing right? And I haven’t even gotten into the content of what he would be saying yet, but the image of a depressed person with no confidence is clear.
You would assume that this person would be talking about how his mother just died, or maybe that he’s going through a breakup, but no. This person starts talking about the raise he just got, and he’s going on a one month vacation to Mexico. “I’m really excited, I just got a huge raise and I’m going to enjoy the hot sun on a beach in Mexico. Life is really going well.” Keep in mind they he is saying this while looking at the ground, shoulders rolled forwards and his hands in his pockets. That persons voice has no life in it either. Would you believe his words over his body language? It’s an image that is not congruent and most people would be highly suspect about how authentic he’s being.
This is the same when you are asking seemingly boring, mundane questions. The content of the question is not exciting, but if you deliver that question while maintaining strong eye contact, standing straight, taking space and with a slow, sure tone of voice it will be received with a lot more interest than an “exciting” question or topic matter that is delivered with poor body language, eye contact, and voice tonality.
In a conversation, think delivery, not content.
The Snowball Technique
Now, here is a technique which will ensure that you will not run out of things to say. It’s a very simple way to keep a conversation going and to keep the focus on the woman you are talking to.
Using this technique you can learn a ton about your new prospective partner in a short time, and you will create a little mystery about you because of the fact that you are not rushing to speak about yourself. She will become curious “Who is this guy?”
- After opening ask a simple question about her, but bundle it up with an observation “You look like you work in a dental office or hospital. Either that or a butchers shop (haha)What do you do?”
- She will most likely respond with a simple answer “Oh yeah, I work in a hospital as a nurse.” Now you need to throw what she said back at her in your own words, but send it back to her with something added onto it. This can be your own personal insight, experience, or opinion on the topic “I think working in a hospital would be tough. I heard nurses work crazy hours and have to deal with all sorts of strange people, especially on night shift. What exactly made you want to get into nursing?”
When she responds she will add more content to what you just said and you will now have multiple pieces of information to repackage and add content to, which you can keep adding to and building upon.
This will create a snowball effect because you are building a conversation using her own information which will keep growing at each turn. You can take almost any dead end answer and turn it into a vibrant conversation this way. The whole time you will be learning about her as well, which will give you a chance to see if there is a connection.
There is the possibility of making it sound like an interview if you don’t add enough content to her answers before sending it back. Make sure you tag on plenty of new content to her answers and turn it into a story with whatever you associate the topic matter with. Don’t over think it or you will be standing there, umming and awing, trying to come up with something. The first thing that pops into your head goes.
In A Nutshell
- Always think delivery and not content – You will be interesting because of the way you say something and not because of what you say.
- Don’t try to impress her – Never try to impress someone you’re talking to. You need to be secure that you are enough the way you are, otherwise you will block the free flow of ideas which will cause a conversation to be lumpy and unnatural.
- Use the snowball technique – Repackage everything she says (also demonstrates you are listening) and send it back to her with new content based on your own experiences/opinions/relation to the topic matter, and add your own stories as well.
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This article originally appeared on The Ultimate Man Builder
Photo by Charles 🇵🇭 on Unsplash
Generally right, but one important point is missing: men shouldn’t talk at all. Your job is to appreciate the woman you are with. You can say how beautiful and amazing she is, but don’t occupy the stage.
Leave the talking to women; after all, they have about 21.000 words to say, daily; men – only about 3.000.
Besides, everybody loves to be listened; why not use this wonderful knowledge?
Very useful post. I found a relevant content on:
http://eideahub.com/top-10-easy-ways-to-impress-the-girl-you-like-that-actually-works/
Great article. Will definitely be taking the snowball technique forward, thanks!
Good advice for any conversation not just flirting…
That’s true Haroun.