Look out ladies! It’s rumpled lovin’ time!
If you’re a single American man, you know winning the battle for bedroom bliss isn’t easy. To stay on top in today’s brutally competitive singles market you have to be sexy, stylish and have weekend mornings free. You have to have a clean shirt. You have to have hair. On your head. So, if you’re a single Stay at Home Dad, you’re probably thinking you’re just out of luck with the ladies.
Well, my friend, I have news for you: fat, forty, and farty, it just doesn’t matter.
Cause you’ve got the super sexy SAHD mojo that always gets you the once over twice at the PTA bake sale. You’ve got mad PB&J skills that’ll set your average A-list supermodel on FI-YAH! And you’ve got a cuddly, aromatic, sweatpants style all your own that will soon have the ladies thinking about that delicious disheveled lovin’ that only a SAHD can give.
Now, I’m not talking to Stay-at-Home-Dads who are married. You guys are in long term relationships and I don’t know what the hell to say about all that. Long term relationships are, like, a little weird. The long term ladies can be as sexually variable and enigmatic as the weather. One day she’s asking for sensitivity, the next day its all about looking “dapper,” whatever the hell that means. After years of building trust and compassion, she mentions how she just like to be overpowered once in a while. You try overpowering her and get a squawk in your ear that sounds like a pelican just landed on the bed. It’s complicated. It’s very, very complicated.
And while we’re at it. What’s with the hysterical laughing thing?
It’s a train wreck of confusing signals. But, forget about us lifers. This inspirational message is for those of you, my brother SAHDs, who are on the hunt again. Because for you, the rare and exotic SINGLE Stay at Home Dad, the world is your sippy cup.
But please be careful. Be very careful. You hold the key to seductive powers so great that you will lay waste to the romantic aspirations of untold legions of young, handsome, rich, single guys. My friend, look on he who is single and childless and know pity.
Listen and learn as I reveal…(Cue distant thunder.)
The Seven Sexy Seduction Secrets of the Single At Home Dad
Seduction Secret #1) Look Confused in a Grocery Store
While standing by your cart with your child, hold a container of steel cut oats in your hand and wait. Furrow your brow. Study the nutritional panel. Women love to offer advice on nutritional labeling. It’s almost impossible for them to resist. There’s something about a man puzzling over fiber content that draws them like moths to the colonic flame. And when she leans in to check the sodium content, just do the following. Say, “He likes it with dried cranberries and organic maple syrup,” and nod toward your little one. Then, get ready to wipe off your glasses cause she’s gonna be fogging them up.
Seduction Secret #2) Fold Clothes with Your Child
You may have to slip your little one a fiver, or promise them unlimited access to Animal Jam, but whatever the cost, this one is a wrecking ball of a seduction tool, so pay the little extortionist and be glad you did. Then, forget your washer and dryer at home. Go to the laundromat, take a big wad of toasty warm kids’ clothing out of the dryer and start folding. Have a casual chat with your son as he folds with you. Extra points if the subject is changing gender roles in post industrial America. The women around you will begin convulsively grasping for the clothes in your pile. Wanting to fold. Wanting to fold so badly.
Seduction Secret #3) Drop to One Knee N’ Have a Little Chat
Take your child to a crowded location. Perhaps a shopping mall. Notice the hundreds of women all around you going about their business, oblivious to one man with his child. Now, simply drop to one knee, bringing your eye level down even with your child’s and talk to her in a pleasant way about anything that comes to mind. Watch, as every women in the place begins ovulating.
Seduction Secret #4) Cry Real Tears at the PTA Meeting
Wait until the fundraising budget numbers have been thoroughly reviewed. Wait until the plans for the spring craft fair have been vetted over and over and over again. Wait until the angry President lady finishes her talk about the lack of candidates in the upcoming election. Then stand up and say a few words about how grateful you are to be a part of this vital and innovative community of learning. How, this little school is like family for you and little “so and so” and how grateful you are for all your child is learning here. Let a single shimmering tear run down your cheek. Continue to stand naked and exposed (not literally) for a moment longer and then turn away and sit down. Wipe the tear away in a rough motion with the back of your sleeve. Note who’s breathing heavily.
Seduction Secret #5) Help Kids Who Fall Down at the Park
Be the first one there. Always. When other parents are texting or reading the New York Times, when other parents couldn’t be bothered to notice the little Margarette has her head wedged in the park bench filigree, be the one who is right there calming her down as you hold her hand and and glance around for her mother. Bring out band aids and Bactine when little Johnny fails to accurately estimate where the slide ends and the pavement begins. Be the one who is there, every time. Even if a Dad shows up instead of a mom, smile and chat a bit. Because the ladies will be watching. Oh, yes. Watching like a pack of starving hyenas.
Seduction Secret #6) Be Mr. Safety Patrol
Every once in a while, some person will wander up to the little league field or the local kiddie park and they will be child free. Point them out. Stand up and walk over to them. Ask questions like, “Do you know one of the children here?” and “Where do you live?” Take your phone out and snap their picture. Lots of times. Follow them across the park as they grow increasingly alarmed. When they exit, stand with your hands on your hips watching them go. Eventually, shake your head and turn back. By now, other parents will be curious about what was said. Marvel at how odd it is that this person was in the park. If necessary, create some “dialogue”. Sure, it may have just been some poor soul looking for a place to do their crossword puzzle, but we’ll never know for sure, will we? Meanwhile, you’ve just helped the ladies see who the real cock of the walk is.
Seduction Secret #7) Do the Weird Confidence Thing
This includes laughing a lot. It important to communicate two crucial pieces of information. One, that you are not the victim of some terrible self induced marital disaster from which you will never recover and, two, you’re not so tired that you can’t get all “frisky” when called upon to do so. Talk to other Dads. Don’t be afraid if they look like millionaires or Wall Street Bankers. Also, buy everyone at the park a cup of coffee a couple of times. This will get tongues wagging about trust funds or reverse alimony from cashed out tech startups. A man who’s at the park in the middle of the day with his child, but still able to “whip out the wallet” is a real mystery. And the ladies love a mystery.
And there you have it. Super Sexy SAHD dating secrets. Its all about broadcasting these powerful coded messages that say you’ve got child raising skills and you’re not afraid to use them. Then sit back and watch those pheromones fly. Because deep down in their DNA, the ladies can’t resist a man wearing an awkward Ninjago backpack full of cheese sticks and juice boxes.
Please note, should you decide to engage in some kind of longer term relationship, all bets are off. None of this crap will work. Not at all. At that point, you’re on your own. And good luck.
Mark Greene occasionally writes humor for the Good Men Project. This may or may not be one of those instances.