Single dads are fiercely committed to their little ones saying, by action and by word, “you are loved.”
Dads who choose to co-parent are a growing subset of divorced parents with kids. As more and more fathers take a hands on role in day to day parenting, they are committing to continuing parenting even after divorce.
These dads are focused on regularly caring for their kids in partnership with their former spouses. Usually this means all the mechanics of raising a little one duplicated in a two separate homes. It is a precarious place to be initially, and newly single dads often see caring for their children as the clear and present through-line amidst the chaos of divorce and change.
The end of a marriage can seem like a catastrophic failure to create continuity, but when there are children involved, divorced parents can find real and lasting redemption in creating the civilized and loving structures of co-parenting. And that co-parenting space is often where single co-parenting dads focus the bulk of their energies. They are fiercely committed to their little ones saying, by action and by word, “you are loved.”
I was once one of them. I am now happily married. What I was seeking (and found) in a spouse was informed by what I experienced in part, in the co-parenting world.
♦◊♦
Any co-parenting dad who is taking care of his kids, is going to have the days when they are “on duty” and the days when they are “off duty.” And if you are considering a relationship with a co-parenting dad, you should know that these two modes of being are very different.
Here are three secrets to how the divorced co-parenting dad (or mom) operates and why:
1) The on-duty co-parenting dad can be an “all business” kind of fellow. Especially if his child is young. For any of us, being around a single dad when they are with their little ones, can feel like being on the outside looking in. But this is out of necessity, as parenting after divorce is about creating regular predictable rituals and rhythms for children. After creating these new, safe, predictable spaces in which their kids can navigate the changes of divorce, dads may be very hesitant to meet their own needs socially or sexually. For months or even years. This is because they fear disrupting these safe spaces and rhythms in any way.
2) Remember, these dads are already carrying the burden of their choice to divorce, a decision which many may have already told him is a “selfish” act. The shaming around divorce in our culture is epidemic. To go yet another step forward and even consider a new relationship seems like a risk too great and too self absorbed to indulge in. These fears are difficult to overcome for some single dads. But that’s the journey anyone who is divorced must go through. Its just that single parents have extra passengers.
3) But a co-parenting dad is also in a powerful learning mode. He has come to the understanding that in order to help his children live fulfilling lives, he has to put aside his bullshit and get down to the business of partnering with his former spouse for the betterment of all. This means letting perceived slights go, finding energy to be kind, choosing paths that are collectively helpful and making service to his little ones a central part of his life. Sounds like a recipe for a good marriage doesn’t it? Yeah. Welcome to one of the great ironies of co-parenting. It can create the illusion that what we do as co-parents could have fixed a broken marriage. It can’t. Because things done in service to little ones will not alone sustain a marriage. Sometimes good people aren’t so good as couples. Meanwhile, the co-parenting work teaches us things that marriage simply couldn’t. And we move on.
What this means is that a divorced dad is:
- Protective of his little ones
- Doubtful about his capacity to take on all the complexities of a new relationship
- Worried that his own social and sexual needs are “selfish” and may negatively impact his children.
- Wary of the empty dynamics of casual relationships.
That being said, I can tell you what the single dad does need, because its what we all need:
- Conversation.
- Acceptance for who he is.
- Space for the central demands in his life.
- Respect for his role in the world.
But mostly he needs space to work through his own interpersonal challenges, challenges that are often placed on hold as he works to insure the safety and security of his children.
At this very moment, I know three single co-parenting dads. I hold these men in very high esteem. I see their fierce loyalty and love for their children. They are wounded and wary but also warm and wise. They are not easy to sum up, having come though a baptism of change and growth. If you want to have a cup of coffee with a single dad like these, bring an open heart and get ready to meet a complex and deeply interesting human being.
But in the beginning, be content to be on the outside looking in.
So, any advice on how long to give a single dad in this situation: I went on one of the best dates of my life a few weeks ago with a single dad. He asked if I’d go out with him again, & he even called on the way home to talk more and let me know he liked me. He texted a bunch that first week, our date was tues then he got his kids Thursday…i don’t know his schedule, since it was the first date. I invited him to join a few of us out Friday… my first… Read more »
Hi Amanda, A friend of mine, a full time single dad and I were talking just yesterday. He said to me that what he really needs is friends. Not lovers. Friends. The process of raising two kids full time is not only exhausting. Its isolating. Many single dads don’t have the bandwidth to date. Romantic dating involves being mindful of the needs of another. He may simply not be able to take that on. I don’t mean that he is weak or lazy or unable to operate like a grownup, I mean he is a capacity meeting the needs of… Read more »
Thank you for responding. I’m absolutely ok with being just friends… just don’t know how often is ok to reach out. I’m super old fashioned. Any advice? The last communication was Tues, when he said he wanted to share something with me, and i responded positively with my availability. So, the old school me says wait until he reaches out, but as a frienyd, i would completely reach out. We also have the opp to write together on any idea we came up with. I thought about reaching out about the writing stuff. Thoughts?
Hi Amanda, I’m a little late to the party here, so I don’t know if this comes in time to be of any help. But, as a single dad with two kids, I think you are over thinking this. My advice is simply to be a presence in this man’s life. Texting and calling is great. Don’t worry about who contacted whom last; I guarantee you he’s not thinking about that. Every single parent loves a home cooked meal. Why not invite him over for one? Like Mark says, friends are far more important to me than lovers. Be a… Read more »
Thanks for this article, which puts into words a lot of what I was sensing but not really understanding about my ex-boyfriend’s behaviour. I regret that I didn’t have the same understanding a year ago when I walked away, as I would have tried to have more patience for the challenges and fears he was dealing with. At the same time though, it is hard to feel like your partner is always going to place a relationship with another woman – even if it’s a purely co-parenting one – over the romantic relationship he has with you. I accept now… Read more »
I just came across this from a Google search. There is so little like this out there. You nailed it, spot on.
I have been seeing my boyfriend for about a year and a half; more serious in the past 4 months. We were just getting to a point where I was going to meet the kids soon (he has full custody of 3 kids, ages 2, 4 and 12. Ex wife is the mother of the oldest and “baby mama” ex-girlfriend of the youngest 2). He has been talking to the oldest about me, to give her time to get used to it before we meet. We also talked about him meeting my family soon as well. In the midst of… Read more »
This is very true. Im just a single dad and its not easy to date.
As a recently divorced mom who is supporting her kids and has a career, I’m not sure we single moms are much different from the dads . . .
As a long time single mother, for many years I exclusively dated single dads. They were the ones who understood my life, and more importantly – whose lives and priorities I respected. Doing right by your parenting responsibilities is important in an of itself, and I believe it says a tremendous amount about the measure of a good man. Even now, though my sons are in college, I am most comfortable dating or in a relationship with a divorced man with children – one who understands the sweat and heart it takes to raise them to the best of his… Read more »
Just a great article — spot on. As a single dad, this mirrors my life with one exception – – I never feel that I am off-duty. Even when they are at their mother’s house I am making doctor’s appts, coaching their teams, talking to them on the phone and trying to make our home a happier, safer place. Single dads get a bad rap, but the ones I know take on at least 1/2 (if not more) of the parenting and most of the financial responsibility.
Nice work.
This is a great article and I am one of these dads. As a fully involved parent I often have to take exception to articles, discussion groups, podcasts, advice columns about parenting that have “mommy” in their name. Or that give parenting advice to the “mom” who needs it, etc etc. as if none of this applies to dads who are doing the same thing. Despite how much I like this article, I can’t really find one thing about it that has anything specifically to men in this situation. All of this applies 100% to divorced co-parenting moms. And I’d… Read more »
Hi Bob,
I do see your point but I would suggest that in the case of men and parenting, those of us in the Dad world are working hard to shift the deeply embedded cultural bias that presumes dads to be occasional dilettante baby sitters instead of full on engaged parents. This effort to move a long held cultural bias requires that we speak in terms of men who parent. But yes, I get your point.
i completely agree with this article. i am 18 months out of a marriage with a physically and emotionally abusive partner. my sole focus is on the wellbeing of the children. i havent yet partnered up with anybody, because my focus is and will be the children and their wellbeing. i feel i have to fix me first too, before i can pursue a relationship with someone else, call me gunshy, whatever it is , but its not fair to take my issues into another relationship until i have healed and also until i have rediscovered who i am, because… Read more »
I couldn’t agree more with this article. As a co-parenting father myself, who has 50/50 custody shared with my ex-wife of our one son, it has proven so extremely difficult to manage my personal & dating life. My current girlfriend of nearly a year is just now starting to understand that my commitment to co-parenting is not a commitment to my child’s mother, but rather a commitment to my little boy. At first, it was extremely difficult because all that my girlfriend saw “on the outside looking in” was that I was very nice to my ex, and that I… Read more »
Thanks for your story, Dad J.
Ok, I have been highly critical of your viewpoint, not so much your writing but your view of the world. This piece however is excellent and I couldn’t agree with it more. I am sure you feel better now (LOL). I was not the one to choose divorce. Despite my ex’s infidelity I believe marriage is forever– even beyond this life. Neither here nor there, though I have eschewed dating or selfish pursuits and focused on raising my children. I fought for sole legal and physical custody and because of presumption in favor of the mother the best I could… Read more »
As a single mom who has her kids 100% of the time, I feel/have experienced every single thing in this article.
I’d love for the men I meet (many of whom are co-parenting dads who have no idea what it is to shoulder 100% of the parenting burden) to understand this stuff. Single parenting is a lonely, lonely road – this would be a great article for ANYONE dating a single parent to read, be they a mom or a dad.
Thanks, Ships. I’m honored that you would say so.