“Men fare little better. We are viewed as sexual junkies who seek to satisfy our relentless physical appetites at the expense of all who cross our paths. We are not to be trusted.”
And that’s why birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love
Cold Cape Cod clams, ‘gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love
-Cole Porter
Lets take a look at the list of the typical online sexuality conversations, shall we?
- Sex: Not getting enough
- Sex: Not getting the right kind
- Sex: Not liking the person you’re getting it from
- Sex: Oops
- Sex: Porn
- Sex: Rape
- Sex: I’m quite happy with it, thank you very much
Please note: Category #7 doesn’t actually result in very popular articles because it isn’t infused with rage, shame, condemnation, annoyance or regret. Personally, I don’t know why anyone would write that #7 stuff. Honestly.
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A lot of people are thinking about sex a lot of the time. This should come as no surprise because having sex is the single, absolute A#1 top priority programmed into every single strand of our DNA. Here’s the genetic imperative in a nutshell: Make little portable packets of your DNA. Run out and add them to the gene pool. Repeat.
The URGE to pass on your genetic code, to spice it in with that of another human being, is paramount, no matter what you think you’re actually doing.
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We pass on our genes, which in turn, gives rise to new human beings who, not surprisingly, have a genetic imperative to pass on their genes and so on and so forth. For those employing birth control, this whole pass on your genes thing may seem like a moot point, but the fact remains: the URGE to pass on your genetic code, to spice it in with that of another human being, is paramount no matter what you think you’re actually doing.
If being really uncomfortable made people procreate more, that is what would happen when we have sex. But oddly enough, sex feels really good. I guess a million years of evolution has settled that issue. Sex should feel good. Okay. Let’s go with that. And maybe that’s where all the guilt comes in. If something feels good, of course we should condemn people for doing it. Right? Somewhere back down the line, feeling good became bad.
Which makes you wonder when exactly that all started. For example, its clear that for thousands of years adult silverback gorillas have been telling younger male apes, “Nope, no sex for you.” This was not because sex is bad, this was to insure that the alpha male’s genetic code g0t passed on. But when did the first humanoid come racing through the jungle yelling, “None of us should be having sex! It’s EVIL!” I’ll bet they beat the stuffing out of him. And rightly so. But apparently, he kept coming back.
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On some level, we’re all just a mode of genetic transmission. An animal that appears, runs around for a few frantic decades, and then gets tossed in the cosmic recycling bin. The pesky URGE to transmit our genetic data? It remains until we fall, with one last lingering sigh about that girl we kissed behind the bleachers in 12th grade, into our graves. And then some worms come and have babies all over us. Because they’re confronting a similar challenge. Making more worms. At all costs. Forever.
Is anyone out shaming broccoli in the fields? “Stop having broccoli sex! Shame on you, broccoli!” Or birds? Or cows? No, we reserve shaming for other humans. For our spouses. For our children.
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Every plant and animal on the planet is subject to the rule of procreation. You can’t avoid it. Why the hell would you try? Is anyone out shaming broccoli in the fields? “Stop having broccoli sex! Shame on you, broccoli!” Or birds? Or cows? No, we reserve shaming for other humans. For our spouses. For our children.
I sometimes despair that, despite our lofty ambitions, we are essentially ephemeral transmission points on the long line of genetic data stringing out for millions of years onto our collective past; genetic data whose sole agenda is to figure out more efficient ways to replicate itself. That would explain high heel shoes. And back shaving. I despair, not because I think our DNA’s imperative to replicate itself is necessarily bad. I despair because so many people seek to condemn the impulses linked to this imperative. We’re sexual creatures. Of course we are. Yet, culturally, we shame, attack, condemn and reject people who act on their need for sex. Especially if they do so in non-normative ways. Even as we stare, drooling, at the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Or Taylor Lautner. Or whomever.
Collectively we remain conflicted and confused about sexuality. Caught up in a culture war which sexually isolates and misinforms successive generations, who go on to act out in angry, self destructive and abusive ways. All because they have no path forward to finding their own bliss.
The bottom line is, you can’t beat city hall. Respect the system, people. Sex feels good because millions of years of evolution have determined that for humans it absolutely must feel good. So don’t beat yourself up over it. Really.
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My point is not that we all should be procreating. My point is that we’re highly sexual creatures. And, being moderately evolved, we’ve risen above our simple genetic imperatives. Unlike bacilli, which engage in sexual activity simply to procreate, we are, on our better days, self aware. We perceive our sexuality as something we can enjoy, play with, explore. We can use our sexuality as a way to experience pleasure, express our identities and form relationships to others that are potentially transcendent.
Recently, Ferrett Steinmetz authored an article titled Dear Daughter: I Hope You Have Awesome Sex. In this article, Steinmetz makes a deeply personal argument for not guilt tripping our children about sex. Be careful. Be thoughtful. Sex is good. Have a great life. The article is that simple and yet, what do we see as one of the threads in the comments section? That this guy was telling his daughter to go out and be promiscuous.
Promiscuity. The bogy man of sexual liberation; not very coded language for slut, tramp, whore, etc. I’m searching my mind for gendered slang that describes male promiscuity and all I’m coming up with is stud, player and George Clooney. Whats up with that?
We have so many bogus double standards where female sexuality is concerned I don’t even know where to start. Madonna/whore complex? No thank you. That whole frame is completely messed up. And this is just one in an endless stream of conflicted and dangerous cultural narratives about sexuality and women. Narratives which encourage the subjugation of half of the human population.
Men fare little better. We are viewed as sexual junkies who seek to satisfy our relentless physical appetites at the emotional expense of all who cross our paths. We are not to be trusted.
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Men fare little better. We are viewed as sexual junkies who seek to satisfy our relentless physical appetites at the expense of all who cross our paths. We are not to be trusted. Because we don’t want or need emotional intimacy. Male sexuality is what your mother warned you about. It is dark, destructive and selfish. I defy any man who is reading this to look inside and not find some version of that tape running.
Yet, the simple fact remains, procreating is why we exist. It is any species’ purpose. And given that pleasure increases the likelihood that our species will continue, why is it any surprise that we have powerful, complex and widely varying sexual capacities?
Accepting ours and other’s sexuality doesn’t mean we grant people permission to do harm. It doesn’t mean we are obsessed with sexuality above everything else. It doesn’t mean we ignore the sexual boundaries of others. We know sex is meant for consenting adults. We know all of this. It just means we cut ourselves some slack and enjoy, sans the grinding depleting shame, what the universe has given us. You can toss in creating a few babies if you want. That’s fine, too. But we need to come to terms with the war on sex and sexuality. Because if we don’t, it will continue to fuel rampant pain, isolation and despair for men and women alike.
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Meanwhile, Steinmetz’s article continues to generate millions of hits on the internet precisely because a lot of men and women want to break the cycle of sexual shaming in the world.
Feel free to share it. I have.
If you’d like to explore more about couples and sexuality, I strongly recommend the work of Esther Perel.
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Once again, gay people and our sexuality are invisible on GMP. Sex is about the need to reproduce our DNA, bla bla bla. And Mark has the gall to use “gay rights” as a tag on this post. I appreciate the recognition of pleasure, emotion and meaning as important dimensions of sexuality, but they seemed a bit like afterthoughts. And no commenter has acknowledged your queer peers as folks who don’t procreate this way.
John, my friend, I’m sorry but the Good Men Project is an amazing place for gender and sexuality discussions of all kinds. My article is strictly about sexual urges from a biological standpoint which arguably do stem from the need to procreate first instilled in bacteria eons ago. It in no way states that that is the only reason to have sex. It, in fact, states that we have transcended these “simple genetic imperatives”. If you’re looking to fight the power, you’re picking the wrong fight here.
The Steinmetz article is rhetorically effective, like most nihilistic statements are. You swing at a set of restrictions that everyone tends to bristle at, but are non-committal (like Steinmetz himself) about what you think the world would be like. So, when someone says, what’s this Ferrett guy talking about!? One person can say, well, he doesn’t mean be promiscuous…. He means find love. Another person says, well, obviously, he’d tell his daughter to use protection. Another insists on testing. Some say that all sex except strangling bdsm is green lighted. And on it goes. Everybody assumes that some reasonable limits… Read more »
As a woman in her early twenties, I’ve come across a lot of emotionally immature guys my age whose misogyny stems from their inability to get layed. They resent women for not responding to their attempts in the way they want. You try to explain to them that gender inequity still exists (the pay gap, workplace, violence etc.) but they think it’s all bullshit because they can only think about it in terms of sex. And sex is one of the only situations in which women have the upper hand…you know, because men are horny all the time and can’t… Read more »
I agree with what you wrote, Sophie…PUAs call emotionally immature guys “CHODES”….so easy for guys like that to blame others for their problems…Tyler Durden does a weird funny voice (that sort of sounds like Cartman from “South Park”) of a “CHODE” on a negative rant and complaining about stuff…(NOT ATTRACTIVE!)
A lot of people are thinking about sex a lot of the time??? Really? And how do you come to that conclusion?
You clicked on the link, didn’t you?
Hi John You lost me when you wrote : “✺One thing I don’t believe was touched on are the reasons for the war on sex. The state doesn’t want to be burdened with the cost of a child so they push the cost on to (mostly) fathers. If women control the supply and men provide the demand, who benefits from this? We know that there are billions poured into cancer research / prevention every year, particularly breast cancer. How much money would be lost if there was a cure?”✺ What are the reasons for the war on sex,that is the… Read more »
Hi Iben, I included the part about breast cancer because some people have suggested that the sheer amount of money that is spent on breast cancer is an impediment to finding a cure. If an organization makes 100 million a year to fight a disease should they spend it on trying to eradicate the disease knowing that it will put an end to its cash cow or does it spend it on treatment knowing that fear and pain will lead to additional contributions. When we talk about the war on sex some profiteers like pornographers and condom manufacturers are obvious.… Read more »
Hi Iben,
Is the family less important in societies that are more positive to sex outside of marriage?
Family as an institution is probably (I’d say undoubtly) less important in those societies, yes.
But if by “family” we mean people we know, love, grow up and spend time with, I would say No, probably not.
One thing I don’t believe was touched on are the reasons for the war on sex. The state doesn’t want to be burdened with the cost of a child so they push the cost on to (mostly) fathers. If women control the supply and men provide the demand, who benefits from this? We know that there are billions poured into cancer research / prevention every year, particularly breast cancer. How much money would be lost if there was a cure? “(Reuters) – The Susan G. Komen for the Cure charity defines its mission as finding a cure for breast cancer.… Read more »
I’d forgotten “himbo”. “Himbo” comes under that whole heading of being “whipped” doesn’t it? If you’re getting lots of sex, but it’s suspected by friends that the lots of sex you’re getting is on her terms instead of yours, it’s “you are whipped”. But “himbo” is kind of tied up with the “whipped” idea; it’s the idea that you are tailored to women’s tastes rather than an individual. Perhaps himbo is more plural women, whereas whipped is singluar woman, but the idea is still “you’re getting sex, but we’ll still spin that somehow to make it seem like a bad… Read more »
Re: Iben, yes, all religions have their own rules. What should NEVER be allowed is for any particular religion to be in control of the laws that govern all of us. In the US the conservatives in the tea party are trying to institute their version of Sharia, which is the Islamic set of codes that must be followed or you will be punished…and most likely you will be a woman. This is what must be stopped! People are in charge of their own bodies–keep your religious beliefs to yourself, poisoning only your own family, not mine! That means that… Read more »
Hi Fiona I agree 100% when you write: “Re: Iben, yes, all religions have their own rules. What should NEVER be allowed is for any particular religion to be in control of the laws that govern all of us” Yesterday I read about a Danish Muslim sexologist ,and how she gave advice to Muslims about sex. Can a Muslim have oral,anal, and use sex toys? It is interesting to read, but it is unfortunately in Danish: http://www.information.dk/469186 I have absolutely no problem with the fact that persons of different religions have different rules and regulations. If somebody do not use… Read more »
@Fiona
“Stop calling women bad names for wanting to explore their own sexuality, so they can discover what they like and how often. Then they can choose a mate with those same predilections. Now that’s a formula for happy marriages.”
How about women stop marrying men whom they are neither sexually attracted to or even love.
Now that’s a formula for a happy marriage too!
As Lynn Saxon writes in “Sex at Dusk: Lifting the Shiny Wrapping from Sex at Dawn”, when some bees do it the penis explodes and the male drops dead. In other bees they sexually harass females so females can’t feed. In others the males fight until they are all dead, sometimes females are killed in the crossfire. As for birds, there’s a lot of rape in waterfowl, and some infanticide by males, as in many other species (eg lions, gorillas, various monkeys). Come on folks – sex in the natural world is full of nasty stuff. Cut the crap about… Read more »
We’re not insects! The more intelligent a species is the more harmless the fun appears to be; Bonobos and Dolphins seem to be able to enjoy pleasurable victimless sex.
We’re not talking about being reckless, we’re talking about guiltlessly embracing it and stop judging each other over it, aren’t we?
Dolphin males form alliances, abduct a fertile female, and prevent her escaping while they all mate with her. As for bonobo sex, “Sex at Dusk” provides convincing evidence that most of it is about females getting to food, for example, males will move ahead to a food source and the females don’t get to eat until they have sex with the males. Gary is making the point that getting our DNA into the future is behind our desire for sex and that this is a powerful, natural force. As he says: “Make little portable packets of your DNA. Run out… Read more »
For the record, the animal kingdom is invoked here not to make a case for nice sex but for the primacy of sex as a central motivation for human animals. A motivation some people seem to feel is to be suppressed and shamed.
End the war? Well do we casual observers have a say? You’ve got to give us some entertainment.
Casual observers, or casualties…?
Hi Mark May I ask you some questions : Obviously we need some rules and regulations for sexual activity. What kind of rules for sexual activity do you support Mark Green? As soon as I started to think about a society totally without rules and regulations for sex I see many problems. I am glad it is not my task to make rules and regulation! I felt more helpless the more I speculated about this issue. It is far more complicated than I first though. Here is some of my thoughts: *Different religious groups have different rules. The rules and… Read more »
I didn’t get the sense that he was suggesting NO RULES. I don’t think he was even talking about any kind of written rules, just social mores and how we ought to change them for our own sake–i.e., stop defining female interest in sexuality as slutty, and stop defining men as evil dogs. I would say that would help relieve the pressure on individuals and help lower the incidences of warped sexual behavior, especially that which IS harmful (children, rape, etc.).
God damn that was spot on, Mark. If you haven’t already, I’d suggest reading the excellent book “Sex at Dawn” by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. It explores what sex and relationships were prior to agriculture making us stationary as opposed to nomadic. Really makes you think.
As a father of 4 with one of our daughters recently turning 12, I find myself struggling with how to respond to any sex/relationship question she may pose. Hopefully I can remain as open-minded in my response as my mind wants me to be.
Actually Mark, men aer called ‘dogs’ , ‘users’, ‘lowlifes’, and are the subject of countless daytime tv talk shows.
Loverats (if they are promiscuous whilst married), Creeps (if they’re not promiscuous but are trying to be), Leches (whether they’re promiscuous or not but are trying either to start to be or continue to be), Losers (if they’re not promiscuous, want to be but have given up trying to be), bastards (if they’re successfully promiscuous), pervs (run out of parenthetical comments… er… if they’re promiscuous in a less conventional way I guess), sleezeballs (if they’re open about their sexuality). I’ll admit their are less but there are plenty of words that shame men about their sexuality. As for the slut/virgin… Read more »
Don’t forget man ho or himbo.
One other thing. We shouldn’t forget that sometimes women who don’t put out get shamed too. They might be called a tease (sometimes dick tease or cock tease). She could be called frigid. If she accepts gifts without putting out a user or possibly gold digger. It may not be as cut and dry as the author states. The shaming isn’t just dependent on the actions or inaction of a person. It’s also dependent on the motivations of the shamer. How do they want to control the other person’s sexuality.
John, that is a brilliant observation. In fact it is almost impossible to avoid shaming from one quarter or another for your actions or inactions and the only way to not go completely mad from the double binds is say f*** you to the lot of them! Anyone who shames for whatever reason.
Hi Mark,
You forgot,
“#8. Sex: I’m quite happy without it, and therefore so should you, thank you very much”