And you try and soften the loss with titty bars and drinking and pornography. But none of it satisfies the hunger nor relieves the pain.
THE OFF PARENT: I’m anonymous to shield my ex-wife and children from the anger and pain that are all part of this process. You cannot avoid the hurt. But you can avoid hurting others. The goal is not to be bitter or vindictive. If I can provide some ideas that will help others with their pain, or perhaps point them in the direction of self-recovery, that is great, but that is not my goal. Let me be clear about this: This is not a self-help blog. I am not a daddy blogger. I am the *off* parent and I blog the song of myself from both dark and light rooms.
These posts are being republished by The Good Men Project in a sequence to reflect the three-year process of divorce recovery. The story continues…
It’s not easy to find your dick after divorce. Here’s what I mean.
For me, when I was finally out of the house and on the trajectory out of the family, I was struggling with my weight, my happiness quotient, and my masculinity in general. You see, this woman, that I had pledged everything to, given everything to, had decided that she would rather seek love elsewhere, and it took me a while to catch up to the fact that I was single again. I was not prepared. And I had not been thinking about it, or imagining myself with other women. Ever.
So you fall out of your marriage, on to the floor of your apartment, or in my case, the floor of my sister’s spare bedroom, and you look around at your life… and what you don’t see anywhere is your dick. You see, you gave that over at the beginning of the marriage, and you’ve got a little work to do to get it back.
For my part, I was aggressive about my desire to be back on the market and I took drastic measures (often misguided) to go in search of my dick. Here are a few of the moments of my early months of re-dicking. Part of the process is reasserting that you are desirable and even have a sexual drive. And the gentlemen’s entertainment business are happy to facilitate this lust for youthful beauty and hand’s on retraining, for a price.
JULY 13, 2010 – The Beautiful Deaf Girl, 29, Working In a Titty Bar
She sits on my lap and we exchange some hellos and she begins to sign. I know how to say “I love you.” I say. She lip reads. We laugh.
She pulls out a pen and paper and we carry on an amazing conversation. I don’t want to be at a titty bar with her. She wants to do a table dance, but she’s just working for a living. I am amused.
She let’s me pick the set of music she will dance to. She says she has been a “dancer” for ten years. Not titty dancing, mind you, real dancing. Says she was a cheerleader.
For some reason I believe her. But I warn you, never believe anything a titty dancer tells you. They lie for a living. They lie to make you give up another $20 bucks. They lie about everything, most importantly, their name. It’s like something from T. S. Elliot, where the “real” name of a titty dancer might give you some power over them. Probably cuts down on the stalking.
Any way, Katy, I named her Mary Moon due to the quarter moon on her back, is 29, she says. And she is amazingly funny and articulate, in her writing. And she continues to sit on my lap. Asks if I will buy her a beer. Yes, of course.
So she dances to Foo Fighers’ Pretender, Black Hole Sun, and Name by the Goo Goo Dolls. A set made in my little moment of heaven. She is pretty, trim, petite and better looking than she is a dancer. She is moving to the thud of the music, of course she doesn’t know the words. I pay her some more dollars and buy her another beer when she’s done.
I tell her I can help her set up a website for her business. She takes my email and phone number, dutifully. (I don’t imagine she will ever really call me. But might as well put it out there.) Fill my own little portion of the fantasy.
And what I notice is her perfume. Spicy and different. It’s all a haze now, I have come down. The hamburger was terrific and the company was fun as well. She devoured my french fries when I was done.
So Mary Moon, I hope your night picks up. When I left there was one of three other paying patrons. It was Tuesday after all. And if you DO call, well, that will be another story.
The Off Parent
Another area that requires reconfiguring is our interconnected social networks, like Facebook. In order to build identities separate from our new exes we have to put up the boundaries and purge the old lovey-dovey photos.
JULY 29, 2010 – I Unfriended You
As far as I’m concerned, I’m not interested in seeing your face pop across my Facebook Friends any more. So you have given up exclusive rights to my pictures of our beach trip. You can ask, but I’m sure you won’t.
I am learning how to block you from my widely broadcast social profile. Enjoy your life without me, sweetheart.
You’ll just feel a little prick and then it will be numb.
The Off Parent
And it’s funny how quickly the lost sex drive comes back online. And then we have a childish fantasy about how the world of women is once again fair game for our hunting. Take our pick, from one woman to an endless supply of MILFs. All these, other middle-aged women, now single, must be looking for love too, right?
AUG 10, 2010 – And Like That, The World of Possibilities Is Endless Again
And one day you are imagining that you will never taste another woman, that what you have gotten in your marriage is the ultimate love affair you will ever have. And then…
In a flash, in a very painful and emotional flash, you understand her to mean that she is done. She is giving up. And soon you must leave your own house and make your way alone again. It is a terrible moment.
And you try and soften it with titty bars and drinking and pornography. But none of it satisfies the hunger nor relieves the pain. In a moment, she has chosen the way out for both of you. And while you cannot see it for the tears in your eyes, there is another life waiting out there. It will come. It will not come easy. It will not be like college or porn or fantasy life. But it will come.
And with the taste and raw scent of another woman the painful knot is torn open. Once and for all you can declare your desires and raving passions. Once again, you must believe that you can find a woman who fully enjoys sex and doesn’t run away, or close off in an isolated grip of silence working so hard to climax.
She is out there, this new woman, these new women. And if you are able to heal yourself they might take you in and love you for a while. Who knows, perhaps marriage number three really is the perfect number. But all the things you’ve learned. All the sacrifices you’ve made in the name of doing what she wants. It is over and now you will write your own terms.
The first time the new woman explodes in an odd rage of anger it is a warning. You remain calm. “This is nothing,” you say to yourself. The second time there is a misunderstanding with the new woman you seek her out and try to understand what is happening. When those efforts only create more irrational rage you leave and go home. The third time is the charm, a moment of playful banter becomes war. She is done. Or rather, you are done with her. There is no time to fix anyone. You are looking for a woman who does not need fixing. A woman who does not need saving. A woman who can rub herself to climax while you are fucking her. A woman who wants it again as soon as you are done.
It won’t be weeks or months before the clothes come off this time. You are free to move about the cabin and choose another partner this time. And when the third foul is called and the unanticipated exchange becomes another fight, it is done, and you can let go easily.
Easily this time, because there is no baggage. There is only now. There is only doing right by your kids. There is only the forgetting of what you had and the dreams of what might come again.
The Off Parent
As it turns out, the first months after divorce are mostly about the symbolic refinding of your dick, rather than the hunt and destroy lust that comes out of hiding. And porn becomes a more affordable and reliable partner than surfing strip clubs or getting overly ambitious about your online prospecting. And the reality is, you’re not prepared to be in a relationship with someone else yet, anyway. There are plenty of issues for you to work out with yourself and your ex before you start seriously dipping into the dating pool. It’s just nice to have your dick back, and that’s a good start.
The Off Parent
the story continues…
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