Lina Acosta Sandaal shares what she knows about spanking and “fear based discipline.”
70% of Americans approve of “a good hard spanking” and 94% of parents of children age 3-4 report spanking their children.
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Spanking is a topic that can break a room in half in a matter of seconds. For this exact reason I have been cautious, thoughtful, and patient about when I would approach it. Last night I watched CNN as several talking heads spoke of Adrian Peterson, the Minnesota Vikings running back who is currently being investigated for beating his 4-year-old son with a switch. The commentators brought up all sorts of reasons, judgments, and statistics. Some I had never heard and two shocked me to the core: 70% of Americans approve of “a good hard spanking” and 94% of parents of children age 3-4 report spanking their children. The time finally felt right for me to write what I know about spanking and what I call “fear based discipline.”
The statistics and multiple negative outcomes of children that are disciplined with corporal punishment are well known to those who work with children. Children’s Trends, a research group, found that corporal punishment increases negative outcomes in adolescence like low academic achievement, alcohol and drug use, and antisocial behavior. They also found that the older the age of the child, the greater the negative outcomes. So why do 70% of parents in the United States believe in spanking?
Corporal punishment increases negative outcomes in adolescence like low academic achievement, alcohol and drug use, and antisocial behavior.
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I like to be practical and real. The reason parents spank, scream, and threaten is because when you do, the change and response in the child is often immediate. But what have you taught the child? I have consulted with parents whose little ones are hitting their friends at school, to the parents’ distress. Then I ask, do you spank them? Yes. What does the child experience? They learn that when someone is doing something wrong and you don’t like what they are doing you hit them. Cut to the child at school and his friend takes his toy. He thinks I don’t like what you are doing and it is wrong so….he hits his friend. This is the 4-year-old version of hitting.
A further problem with fear based discipline is that the child builds a tolerance to the punishment. Instead of understanding that we do not climb the bookshelf because it can be dangerous, the 3-year-old now has a new goal of climbing the bookshelf without getting hit. They will try and try until they meet their need of exploring the wonderful bookshelf that to him looks more like a fun ladder to climb. The other problem with the child’s tolerance is that the parent has to continue to escalate their response to the child. First you scream, then you have to scream and hit a table to make a loud sound, later you have to scream hit the table and grab the child and finally you end up hitting your 3-year-old child in full adult rage. Fear based discipline–corporal punishment–puts you in the risk of escalating to a point where you may regret to what degree you hurt your child.
Do you remember what it was like to be hit? Did you feel understood? In the moment could you honestly trust and love your parent or where you feeling betrayed and hurt?
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Parents often tell me. I was hit with “the switch, la chancleta, the belt” and I’m okay. Are you really? Do you remember what it was like to be hit? Did you feel understood? In the moment could you honestly trust and love your parent or where you feeling betrayed and hurt? If you think about it today, did you stop doing whatever you were doing because you understood why it should not be done or because you were afraid of losing your parent’s love and connection? Most parents tell me they want their children to count on them and talk to them about everything. Those of you who were hit, did you tell your parent everything or did you keep some things to yourself in fear of losing your connection and your love with your parent?
I think the one outcome of being hit by a parent or being disciplined with fear that many adults overlook is something I see in both my therapy clients and friends in my circle. Many adults are out in the world uncertain about their decisions, wondering should I or shouldn’t I. An inheritance of being told what to do and being scared into submitting to do what the caregiver tells you is a questioning of those answers that come innately from you. Be honest with yourself and see if corporal punishment is truly for you and your children.
To me, if we can change this we can change a whole new generation of citizens for the better.
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Photo: Miika Silfverberg
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So… I just read an article talking about why it “can be bad” to beat other people? Like, Americans still believe children are their properties that can be spanked sometimes because of “discipline” or anything else? What about emotional and legal discipline for these adults, so they will understand we should never use any type of violence, even more against someone who is unable to understand or defend themselves? Is that even LEGAL there? That is just archaic, neanderthal and criminal. No one has the right to put their hands on another being in that manner unless it’s for defense.… Read more »
I think the spotlight of the issue, should be far less on spanking vs. not spanking, but effective discipline vs not. Effective discipline is – consistent, fair (not based on frustration of parent but the extent that it breaks stated rules and expectations), honest, without anger/rage/emotion, well explained to the child, etc. Ineffective discipline is – emotion-based, inconsistent, unfair. As a parent, you have to set clear rules, communicate them well, and enforce the rules with some form of discipline or consequence. Then sprinkle a dose of grace, for those really hard times when your kid is so emotional/frustrated/exasperated they… Read more »
I agree Mark,I didn’t say that spanking wasn’t lazy and in some cases where the spanking which boarders or is “beating” is out of line and is a lazy approach. They have clearly allowed a behavior to exist to the point that it’s repeated. If a parent is watching their kid and truly monitoring what they’re doing, there would be little reason for a spanking. To complete this sentence “…..those attempts were no more then a momentary delay for my son.” He received the swat but more often, he did a “time out.” My own daughter and son-in-law use the… Read more »
BTW,I just heard that a new study is now showing “time outs” aren’t good for kids.
If the parent is spanking a child out of anger, and hard enough to cause elongated pain, they are doing it wrong.
If the parent tries to sit a toddler down and explain to them what they did wrong, they will not listen, because they are a toddler.
It takes time for a toddler to understand the boundary the parents set. Most toddlers are explorers and most times than not get stuck in their goal. This is why its seems they do not listen. If they are in the midst of a tantrum, they can not hear or process the parents words because their neurology is in a reactive state. It is important to give the time for the toddler to reach a receptive state and then the parent can express their boundary and expectation. It is very difficult to parent a toddler. How ever if you continue… Read more »
The reason that parents are not manifesting their dreams is because they are so off their path acting as the punishment police and beating their kids, need to be a conscious kind Human Being… Dense energy blocks everything when you punishing another HUMAN BEING. We didn’t come to the planet to be cruel to another, and these young ones mirror everyone’s actions, and parenting behavior such as beating is what they are learning. Time to throw away those old concepts if we want to change this cruel planet, with so manysad unhappy people, and it has to do with how… Read more »
Part of the problem is that a lot of people confuse spanking with beating. As the first two commentors (so far) note, provided it isn’t applied indiscriminately, spanking shows that there are consequences for our actions—and the act itself creates “a little sting, but nothing long lasting.” When I was in junior high school, punishment for an infraction was either a swat (a whack on the but with a flat wooden paddle) or detentions. Given the choice of a swat or a week’s worth of detention, I’d take the swat. The swat would last all of a couple of seconds,… Read more »
Spanking can not be “done right.” There is no way in which a fully grown person can physically punish a smaller person and not do emotional harm. It causes long term behavioral problems. If you don’t like verbal abuse, you can not defend physical punishment. They are two sides of the same exact coin.
The study quoted above, By the way, is based on parents who believe kids can benefit from “A good hard spanking.” We’re not talking swats here. The study also says that 94% of American parents have spanked their 3-4 year old in the last year.
I guess I am unique, spanking from my parents didn’t “emotionally” harm me. I sure as shit didn’t break stuff after that. It’s like touching something hot, it burns, it stings, you don’t do it again.
Archy,I have to be honest. I know I was spanked but I can’t remember when or for what reason. And yeah, us boys always fell in line. When my kids were really small and didn’t understand right from wrong and as someone said toddlers like to explore, they would get into things or try to at least. The stove knobs were of particular attraction. Yeah, they got their little hands slapped with a resounding “NO” and yup, they didn’t try it again. I don’t remember all these “safety” devices. We kept chemicals out of reach but to have these door… Read more »
Safety devices are lazy parenting, but spanking is not? Repeating guidance with patience and consistency is the hard work of parenting, not whacking kids. That’s easy.
I think you’ll find a lot of kids died or were injured but it didn’t hit the news. These days, even small accidents can have that info spread quickly. I like safety devices, I think it’s a great idea. Kids can get into trouble quite quickly, and pets especially. My dad built a fence, took him a weekend….took me 15 minutes as a toddler to lift the gate off the hinges and go for a run down the street. I use to play with fire a lot in the backyard too, I’m surprised I am alive TBH. I was an… Read more »
I’m pretty much with you on this Channing. I know I was spanked but I can’t even tell you how old or for what but I do know I behaved well. My kids received a swat on the ass at times but it wasn’t long before all I had to do is count to 3 and they pulled it together. Swats on the behind were no more then for shock value, a little sting but nothing long lasting. The key to a lot of this is simple follow through. “If you don’t stop (behavior) I’m gonna (fill in the blank)… Read more »
I agree Tom. I see children at the playground playing while mom or dad stares at a phone. It is so hard for children to get the undivided attention they need (especially when they behave well).
I think you incorrectly link screaming, threatening, and spanking. My parents—and many that I know—did none of that. Many make a conscious decision to never spank out of anger or whilst in a rage, and in the event that it did happen make sure to apologize. As a middle child, I was a child that had several methods of discipline tried out. After some years my parents discovered that spanking was the only effective method (not to be confused with “beating”. My grandfather hit me once with a bullwhip and I NEVER got in trouble with him again…at least, as… Read more »
Hi, Channing, My parents practiced the kind of cool headed discipline you describe. They sat me down well after the fact, then they doled out the “pops”. My step father had me grab my ankles, he had me count of the blows from a long brown fraternity initiation paddle and he usually stuck me three times. By the third time the pain was so great that I would struggle not to show my tears to him. The fact that he did this with a cool head meant little to me then or now. I rarely if ever speak to my… Read more »
Dear god, I hope these statistics are wrong. I was just discussing this with my friend the other day – specifically a meme floating around FB that says something like “I was spanked as a child and it taught me respect. Share if you were spanked and are a better person because of it.” Life shouldn’t be lived on autopilot. Know more, do better. One of the sweetest, most-affirming things my mother ever said to me was “I was skeptical when you told me you weren’t going to spank, but now I wish I hadn’t.” I have kind and respectful… Read more »
Well said, your views and experience represent a large part, if not majority, of the global ‘civilly adapted’ population. Communication and gaining an understanding of your children individually is crucial, as to some spanking might mean nothing. It comes down to having an active relationship with them. Too throw out spanking as a rule is not helpful.
If you view spanking as causing long term emotional and developmental damage, throwing spanking out is the only logical choice.