Men are subjected to a culture where the standards of masculinity are literally making them sick.
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Mental Health disorders are common throughout the United States, affecting tens of millions of people each year. But only half of those affected receive treatment. It is imperative that we look at gender differences in not only the experience of mental illness but also in the ability to get help and engage in treatment when necessary.
Although women are more likely to attempt suicide, men are more likely to lethally complete it when they do make an attempt …
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Depression in men is not uncommon and often goes unrecognized and untreated. Research has shown that while men develop the standard symptoms of depression, they often experience it differently and may have different ways of coping. In men, depression can be a serious medical condition. More than six million men suffer from depression each year. Many men try to deal with it on their own, but depression symptoms can make them chronically miserable. Depression consequently also puts men at risk for suicides.
Although women are more likely to attempt suicide, men are more likely to lethally complete it when they do make an attempt; ending their life in an instant, without any second chances and usually without many or even any pervious cries for help, leaving loved ones shocked and bewildered. Sadly, men have to hide behind the facades they feel impelled to build. It is usually very difficult for men to come forward, open up, and engage in some form of mental health treatment. Men also have traditionally shied away from therapy because talking about their feelings is viewed as negative and non-masculine – as going against the expected male image.
We have to accept that we live in a culture where men often feel pressure to conform to an unrealistic macho image. The measure of their masculinity seems to have an inverse relationship to the expression of their vulnerability, and it is literally making them sick. Real men are not supposed to be weak, break down, or cry. They are supposed to be invincible, unbreakable super-heroes. Except, they are not. They are only human.
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Sometimes men make it to my door either because a loved one forced them to “get help” and so they do — kicking and screaming in silent protest. Other times it’s because they are dragged in by their significant other as part of a couple’s therapy session.
All too often, they come in when things have really hit rock bottom. Things are so out of control, and the impact on their lives so severe, that their reluctance and hesitation about “getting help” is trumped by an un-escapable, undeniable painful reality that sets in and kicks them in the face. They reach a point when they can’t keep up the facade of being a “man,” being strong and holding it all together ALL the time, and continue with their lives anymore.
Men have become OK with many things, but being considered weak isn’t one of them.
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Once they are engaged in any kind of treatment, much energy goes into maneuvering around co-workers, friends, family and significant others so no one will ever find out their shameful secret; that they are seeing a psychiatrist or therapist. The stigma around mental issues is still prevalent amongst men and women, but it inequitably stronger in men.
Men are not given permission to be vulnerable in society and any interpretation of vulnerability is considered a weakness. It is not readily accepted and often judged. Men have become OK with many things, but being considered weak isn’t one of them.
Men are reluctant to open up or share their feelings simply because they would therefore be labeled as weak. More to the point, they would see themselves as weak and that’s the problem. This is so dangerous because what can start off as mild depression, or mild anxiety, or some difficult life stressor that needs support, can easily and quickly escalate to substance abuse, alcoholism, sex addictions, unhappiness, unnecessary pain and anguish and in the worse cases, suicide. It’s a miserable dark hole and once you’re in the grips of a dark depression it becomes harder to get out.
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I do believe that as mental health awareness increases and everyone becomes more open and understanding of mental health issues, that the de-stigmatization will allow more men to be open, to say when they can’t handle something or they’ve had enough. Suffering in silence is what leads to broken marriages, broken homes, and broken lives.
Many patients say they would rather endure any physical pain than that feeling of impeding, overwhelming doom.
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I fundamentally believe that we have to begin changing our language as a society. Particularly I ask men to redefine what it means to “toughen up,” “man up” or “be a “man.” When men use this language what connotation does it have for other men?
I’ll tell you a secret as a psychiatrist. As the video below illustrates, there is absolutely nothing soft or weak about having a panic attack. It’s the worst feeling in the world. People literally feel as if they are going to die. Many patients say they would rather endure any physical pain than that feeling of impeding, overwhelming doom. Similarly, there is nothing weak about being in the stronghold of a depression. It’s a state of existence that can be excruciatingly painful.
And PTSD is a disease of tough men, not weak ones. It is a disease so powerful that it continues to destroy the lives of our service men and women after they have left combat. Yes, it is at times more painful then the thrusts of war and combat itself. No, mental illness is not for the weak minded or light hearted. It’s a battle that any real “man” can and should bravely feel good about conquering.
It is up to all of us, but especially men, to change the way we speak. Our words are powerful. Use them wisely. You would be amazed at how impactful this little change can be.
Bell “Let’s Talk” campaign is a national Canadian mental health campaign dedicated to bringing awareness and funding to mental health and the advocating for the active de-stigmatization of mental Health issues. They have produced a series of videos that are extremely powerful and relevant.
This video is a simple, yet perfect, example of how the stereotypes of what it means to be a man can be detrimental and problematic in our society. It illustrates the power of language and the significance of recognizing that even the smallest words can make the biggest difference.
Do you want future generations of boys to grow up in mental and emotional prisons?
It’s OK to be scared. It’s OK to be in pain. It’s OK to be overwhelmed. It’s OK that you “don’t got it” all the time. It’s OK if sometimes life throws you enough hurdles that it has caused the “unbreakable” to break.
It will take a different kind of courage for a man to take his first steps to becoming vulnerable.
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Be honest with yourself and others about how disappointments, life events, life stressors, death, work, and failed businesses and relationships can and do take a toll on you. Its time to teach future generations of boys that they don’t have to grow up in emotional prisons. It’s time to teach the world that what makes you a man is manning up to what’s really going on inside your mind and heart.
It’s recognizing that you are human with wounds and flaws. That you are not invincible and don’t have to pretend to be. It’s time to take the mask off. It will take a different kind of courage for a man to take his first steps to becoming vulnerable. But we can start with our words and changing the way we speak, view and treat mental illness or any psychological issues. Because the way we speak has consequences in someone else’s life.
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Photo: Getty Images
I’m glad you guys published this, there is a HUGE stigma regarding men and mental illness, I think it also comes from the societal pressure that pushes men to always be strong and quiet about our emotions. Making it harder to even acknowledge that we are sick and need help. If it were diabetes it be a lot easier to talk about it, but when it come to mental illness, it just something that most people keep to themselves. I’ve just recently been diagnose with GAD and have been doing a lot of research on it, but find that most… Read more »
“Bell “Let’s Talk” campaign is a national Canadian mental health campaign dedicated to bringing awareness and funding to mental health and the advocating for the active de-stigmatization of mental Health issues. They have produced a series of videos that are extremely powerful and relevant. – ”
THIS VIDEO DOES NOT EXIST!
The ironic humor is breath taking…………………………………………………………………………………………………
Josh
I agree, women with young children are vulnerabel.
I do not have children and feel vulnerable too,……
It looks like this thread dies ut.
It was nice talking to you.
Take care,
“Men are reluctant to open up and share their feelings for fear of being labelled weak…”
My ex used to rub his forehead/eyebrows together like he was trying to squeeze the tension away….I realize now how much he kept to himself….I was busy focused on myself and focused on my education/career goals….the more progress I made up the ladder, it seemed that the more agitated and irritable he became….Looking back, I think the more I achieved seemed to point up what a failure he felt like inside…although he never admitted as much…
josh
here is a link from 2013
But Rasmussen has published more later ,as this is her job to reseach this important issue.
http://eng.kilden.forskningsradet.no/c52781/publikasjon/vis.html?tid=87149
But if she is correct in her analyses her then it looks to me that a lot of the cause of this vulnerabilty comes from how parents bring up little boys. Unless it is genetic of course.
Also women can have problems with regulation of feelings and also women can have low feelings of self worth. So “masculinity” is a part of the problem.
Masculinity is not the problem. This is akin to victim blaming – If only men were more like women then they wouldn’t kill themselves. Male disposability is. Rasmussen is just another feminised psychologist. They have been banging on about the same tired stuff for 40 years. Seriously, what have they achieved? Suicide rates are only getting hire the more we drive this stuff into boys heads. If anything it is only reinforcing disposability. Its dumb logic to think that males process emotion the same way females do. That is not a popular opinion in these parts (i.e. the twitter conversation… Read more »
josh I do not understand you, and how you can say that what Rasmussen concludes in what “they” have said the last 40 years. In my country many have thought the high rate of sucide of young was caused my mentall illness, in the person, depression or other kinds . And now Rasmussen say it is not so., they are not mentally ill most of them, nor are they exactly like all other men. They have an vulnerabily. But the things that happens to them that triggers sucide is not terrible happenings but life event most or many men experience… Read more »
I’m telling you, first hand – I’ve been down this sorry track of suicide, thank fuck I failed – male disposability is the core of the problem. Rusmussen is correct about the actual triggers of suicide, just not the socialisation. Its not just parents of little boys. Its society, its how we survive as a race. Women have preference for women and children. Men have preference for women and children. Thats why villages, towns and cities came to exist. It was a collective effort to protect women and children whilst men were away hunting. Its how the species protected reproduction.… Read more »
Josh I try to undrestand you but I struggle ….. I wish you could tell us more about it because I do not get and I want so much to understand. Maybe because I am Norwegian and you live in the US, On the surface our socites looks a lot alike but in fact they are not. Do young men committ sucide because they feel they have no value in society 2015? They have not yet startet on their adult life. I do not understand how we can understand this sort of self harm by saying men have no value… Read more »
“Do young men committ sucide because they feel they have no value in society 2015? They have not yet startet on their adult life.” Yes, boys are given negative messages all through school from femi nist dogma fed to them in schools. They also see media which demonises them, they also see their male role models (if they have any) and what they have to look forward too. “Do I misunderstand what you mean when you talk about male disposability?” I don’t know how much you know about it to know weather you understand it. There is plenty of literature… Read more »
Hi Narveen I am glad to see you take time to respond to comments, My question to you is based on my experience from this website and not your article here. Often I read that men grow up and are not permitted to express feelings, needs,wants and opions other than when they conform to tradition male roles of strength. Forgive that I do not express this well. When I read how men are not permitted to feel and express a wide range of normal human feelings ,then I start to wonder what is going on in the ordinary family in… Read more »
I’ve learned through experience that I cannot trust this sort of rhetoric from therapy and I’ve paid the price for the lessons learned. How can you, or anyone else, say it’s ok when it obviously isn’t?
Can you please elaborate? I think I understand what you are saying but don’t want to make an arse of myself. I challenge the notion that men don’t speak up for fear of being labelled weak. Men rank themselves against other men everyday. Its called competition. As a man you get used to this ranking system and being no where near the apex. those on the apex represent the 1% of our fittest or strongest or smartest or bravest or most coordinated. Men don’t speak up because no one is listening. Men are invisible, men are disposable. A man is… Read more »
josh
little you now about life of a woman.
typo
little you know about life of a woman.
Do elaberate. tell me that women are not given lower sentences for the same crime. Do tell me that we make excuses for women who commit atrocities but label a man doing the same thing a monster. Do tell me that women are killing themselves at the same rate as men. Do tell me that women are the majority of the homeless. Do tell me that women are not getting healthcare directed at them. the National Organization for Women, has been responsible for shutting down many bills over the past 15 years because they targeted only men’s health and issues.… Read more »
Hi Josh I am Scandinavian and do not know anything about the situtiation in the US. But you are right also here women can get shorter centence than men, just like beautiful or handsome persons does ,and just like persons from a higher social class does,and persons in US that look like they ancesters came from Europe and not Africa ……The Criminologist have to tell us why the judges and jury system functions like this,because do not understand it! The reason why young men kill themselves more often than young women do is disturbing. I have given the editors a… Read more »
We live in a world where the biggest sin is to admit you can’t, and asking for help while in the throes of a situation like that just usually ends up as wild anecdotes used to undermine your person. I’m glad someone’s starting the conversation, though.
Hi Narveen
Will you be here and respond to our thoughts about your article here?
Yes