There seems to be a growing sentiment among many of today’s men and women that, romantically speaking, we no longer need one another.
Ding, ding, ding! In one corner: The “I-am-woman-hear-me-roar” variety, the kind who touts female independence above all else and trots out anti-male books and articles with titles like “Are Men Necessary?” and “The End of Men.” In the other corner: The “fed-up man,” the kind who feels dicked over (no pun intended) by what he feels is an increasingly misandrist society, so much so that he decides to forgo the “trappings of male servility” altogether for a life of blissful bachelordom. Fueled by past and present societal resentments, the boxers defensively yet defiantly retreat to their respective corners.
I’ve seen evidence of the latter mentality on various Web sites, in which men write about their frustrations and anger. Despite the feeling that they’re being castrated, they’re, well … pissed off. They argue: I don’t need a woman in my life. Why would I subject myself to an unjust court system and a nagging wife who professes to not even need me, when I can be perfectly happy having no-strings-attached sex and eating my Wheaties in peace?
I’ve also seen the former attitude proudly on display at a “Battle of the Sexes” event, hosted by Steve Santagati, author of the bestselling book “The Manual.” The premise: three men on one side; three women on the other; Santagati in the middle moderating. At one point during the debate, one of the female panelists shouted: “This is what you guys don’t get. We can take care of ourselves. We don’t neeeeed you in our lives. We want you in our lives.”
Is it so awful nowadays to admit that we need—not just want—one another? I used to think so. For years, I bought into the aforementioned female panelist’s mentality but perhaps not for reasons in which I firmly believed.
A few years ago, when I was around 30, during a summer jaunt to Nantucket, I met a guy out at a bar. We hit it off and decided to take a stroll together around the cobble-stoned streets. Eventually, and I don’t know how we stumbled onto the subject, we began to discuss dating and gender relations. I can’t remember exactly what it was I said that prompted his response but it was a response I’ll never forget: “Oh no, here we go again. We get it: You’re independent and self-sufficient and you don’t need us.”
That moment has always stayed with me. I was surprised. All that time, I thought men wanted a woman who proudly admitted her independence and self-sufficiency, a woman who could rely totally on herself for everything. Don’t get me wrong, I was (and am) proud of being an independent, educated woman, but it dawned on me at that moment that while men surely appreciate women who have these qualities, they also want women who need them and openly rejoice in that sentiment.
Women, too, need men, and we want men to need us.
Of course, I’m not talking about needing one another in obsessive, insecure ways, but I am saying that it should be socially acceptable for men and women to admit to ourselves and those around us that we need one another. Maybe it’s not in the same way we needed each other 60 years ago—women can change their own tires and make their own money; men can cook and clean for themselves. But we still and will always need each other for companionship, emotional support, intimacy, to feel special and valued and cared for and safe, to be inspired. We don’t just want those things. We, as human beings, need those things.
I am reminded of a scene from the inimitable movie “Say Anything,” in which a distraught Diane Court (played by a wonderful Ione Skye) seeks solace in the arms of her ex, Lloyd Dobler (an unforgettable John Cusack character). Diane has just been betrayed by her father, whom she adores, so she rushes to the only other man in her life for support. “I need you,” she implores. Hesitant, Lloyd asks, “Are you here because you need someone, or you need me?” only to follow up his question (he knows the answer) with, “Forget it. I don’t care.” Diane doesn’t want Lloyd. She needs him. And he needs her.
The bottom line is this: We should celebrate that we need each other and say and do everything we can to convince one another to take off the gloves.
—Photo: Gustty/Flickr
Women have proven beyond the shadow of a doubt the they no longer need men.
Marriage as we know it should be obsolete in the very near future.
Men are slowly learning to survive without women, so one again, marriage should be obsolete in the very near future,
The world is overpopulated as it is, so what’s the problem with staying single?
Men and women need a cooling off period in the future, like 30 or 40 years.
Sounds good to me.
During a vasectomy, the vas deferens from each testicle is clamped, cut, or otherwise sealed. This prevents sperm from mixing with the semen that is ejaculated from the penis. An egg cannot be fertilized when there are no sperm in the semen. The testicles continue to produce sperm, but the sperm are reabsorbed by the body. *-‘*
Our personal blog <http://www.picturesofherpes.co/
I love how Neely tries to peddle herself as a non-misandric writer, yet all of her articles discuss what men should do for women and none of what women should do for men. I prefer dealing with honest misandrists than conniving ones like Neely.
What I dislike about the term ‘need’ in this context is that it co.es with an implication that we deserve it. As a society, there’s a general sense that needs should be provided for, so we have welfare and food banks and all that stuff. What’s the sexual/emotional equivalent of a food bank? Suicide hotlines? As dar as each of us are concerned, it’s well and good to hear that the other gender needs us, but it’s a very different situation if the need is felt by someone who we don’t need back, i.e. someone who isn’t attractive to us.… Read more »
@mad adam: “As a society, there’s a general sense that needs should be provided for” Nope. “Rights” are provided for (or they – theoretically – should be). Needs, of course, aren’t (unless they are basic needs and are considered rights). We have lots of needs, who should provide for them? Santa Claus? 😉 Only a child has his needs provided for by someone else; and, conversely, a person claiming his needs have to be provided by someone else is, basically, childlike. It’s a “gimme gimme gimme” attitude. A “need” is something necessary to our well-being and happiness. We can survive… Read more »
“But we still and will always need each other for companionship, emotional support, intimacy, to feel special and valued and cared for and safe, to be inspired. We don’t just want those things. We, as human beings, need those things.”
Exactly. We’re a social, interdependent species in a social, interdependent ecosystem. We need each other not in an “I’m incomplete with you” sort of way but in a mature, human “you make life so much more enjoyable” sort of way. Good relationships make the good times even better and the bad times a lot more bearable.
So now, in her earlt 30’s, the author suddenly decides” hey, maybe I do need a man in my life!” . One can’t help but wonder if this revelation was influenced at least in part by that ‘ticking clock’ that seems to get louder to women right about at this point in their lives?
Very good!
I pretty much agree with your stance.
Need and being needed are part of basic human features. Denying it is just foolish.
Yes, we can shield us from pain and need… but that would make life much more boring and uninteresting.
Better enjoy the ride, while it lasts. 😉
I believe they do and I like the article. Couples are a wonderful thing with strengths to weather the storms of like together.
I’m still left with a hypothetical question: if men and women really didn’t need each other, would that really be so bad?
There are all sorts of wonderful parts of life that are completely unnecessary. No one really needs bacon or chocolate frosting, but I for one am glad that they are part of my life.
im pretty sure the costs of chocolate and bacon aren’t quite the same as what happens when a relationship goes sour for one reason or another.
Depends on the amount, I suppose. After a few decades of a love affair with chocolate and bacon, I am afraid to find out what my cholesterol level is now, and I have chosen to ignore my family’s history of diabetes. Perhaps a bad relationship is a faster-acting poison…. My main point is that I don’t see why “not being needed” would really be a big problem. Very few of us really live a life in which we only have what we need and nothing else. I’m okay with the idea that men are no longer necessary, whatever the hell… Read more »
Another lovely point. 🙂
I do have a problem with it being termed “men” aren’t needed, leaving an implication that men are the disposable ones, that have become nothing more than a recreational commodity. Men have enough issues relating to that male disposability as it is without reinforcing it further. If you want to say meaningful relationships aren’t needed, or romantic relationships, that’s fine. To each their own. I bring this up because, even though you don’t even know what it means to say “men are no longer necessary”, you seem perfectly fine in accepting it. And that’s not a good place for men,… Read more »
Imagine if someone said they were okay with the idea that (insert minority group) are no longer necessary.
Imagine the shitstorm, the outrage and indignation. No one would dare say there was anything “lovely” about it.
I’ve known my wife since I was 11 years old and have been married for 37 years … you add it up and you’ll know my age. Definitely a different generation. I had the benefit of having a dad who was from a much older generation which didn’t have all the material need to make them happy as we do today. I NEED my wife. The times she’s not home and staying at my daughters or her friends house, I sleep like crap. We don’t cuddle at night, we don’t even share a blanket but the fact that she’s not… Read more »
not getting in a relationship in the first place also solves these problems. And avoiding a relationship takes NO work at all for some of us 😉
Actually, I much more prefer to be wanted than needed. Feeling wanted makes me feel more special and individual. If I’m in a relationship because she needs a man, that’s not very reassuring. I could just be the one who was handy at the moment. Needing me can turn into neediness, which is a major pain in the butt. Wanting me, however, is much more exciting. Wanting is seeking something delicious, but needing could be just getting a little fix. It’s also harder to imagine what it would look like to be “wanted too much” than it is to imagine… Read more »
Just out of curiosity, why change the subject when you change the verb? You compare wanting you specifically, vs needing a man, any man. I’d argue that being in a relationship with someone who just wants a man, any man, is just as “not very reassuring”. And wanting you can turn into possessiveness (you are a possession they want), which is just as annoying as neediness. You are specifically looking at the negatives of one and the positives of the other, never allowing those unaccounted positives and negatives to be examined. Want can only be good, need can only be… Read more »
You’re right, I was not being objective and balanced I my use of “I” statements referring to my feelings. That’s because in this particular instance I was not attempting a broad-based objective debate but in fact a statement of anecdotal observations about myself. I was floating a particular emotional, irrational, perspective. You’re right, if I were seeking to win a debate of some kind this would be a terrible tactic. Thank goodness I wasn’t trying to win a debate. As for hate rhetoric, I admit I am at a loss to see the connection between what I wrote and misandrist… Read more »
Need? No. Life can be better with a companion of the opposite gender but this isn’t neccessary to have a good life. I’m married (about to hit the 20 year mark) and I would do it all over again with my wife but my older brother has never married and he has a good life too. I also have several friends who haven’t married and have happy lives. One thing I have learned is that marriage can make your life better OR worse, it isn’t always better. You have to marry a person who “fits” for you and vice versa… Read more »
“Need? No. Life can be better with a companion of the opposite gender but this isn’t neccessary to have a good life” I could be mistaken, but I don’t believe the author said the need was in order to have a good life. Could it not be said, that in order to experience the feelings of intimate love, one “needs” another person? When people say they “need” other people, I believe what is meant is, to access certain facets of yourself, you need certain relationships with other people to unlock those facets fully. Different kinds of relationships are needed to… Read more »
Very well said Ms. Steinberg. I know personally, the stigma behind needing a man has always made me reluctant to ever use the words, though I admitted it in so many ways. It is the extremists who try to convince us otherwise, but even if I weren’t heterosexual, I would need men in my life to balance things out. We are all here for a reason, none of us can survive without the other. Again, I deeply appreciate you for writing this piece. It was right on time for me!
There are some things that a dog cannot do for you…
For everything else, there’s Mastercard.
Right on C.L.! Here it is income tax time and once again I can’t believe the amount of money that I ‘allegedly” make. I rarely have as much as$100 on me at any given time. Why? Because my paycheck goes straight to the checking to pay for everyone elses’ needs and wants! As I read this article and thought to myself,my god, imagine waking every morning doing what you want to. Imagine having the funds to spend the way you chose to! How incrediable would that be!
”I am saying that it should be socially acceptable for men and women to admit to ourselves and those around us that we need one another. Maybe it’s not in the same way we needed each other 60 years ago—*women can change their own tires and make their own money; men can cook and clean for themselves. But we still and will always need each other for companionship, emotional support, intimacy, to feel special and valued and cared for and safe, to be inspired. We don’t just want those things. We, as human beings, need those things.*” This bit REALLY… Read more »
Nothing wrong with admitting the need for touch, intimacy. Tragic that so many of us are too raw to be touched.
Yup, I agree. Loving touch is important. I need it. It comes in different forms, and I am very touchy-feely myself, but so far the best touch I get is from my boyfriend.
I have learned through living that I need (not just want) Mrs. M in ways that she doesn’t need me, and she needs me in ways that I don’t need her. There are ways that we mutually need each other. If one of were to die we could definitely soldier on (she more easily than me because she would be wealthy)
Without each other we could both find a way to not die but I, for one, would be really seriously messed up. I’ve grown accustomed to her face. . .
Well hell…here I’m going to go again usin the term heteronormative. I think the sentiment behind this article – that we all need other people – is a good one. I just think restricting that sentiment to opposite-gender relationships is too generalised. We all of us need other people in our lives; some to a greater degree than others. Like Tamen said, we need individuals, specifically. You don’t need to smack gender on top of it.
Exactly. We need people to help access parts of ourselves, it is the relationships one has with those people, not the genders, that determine what’s parts they help access. Though I don’t think the article writer had any intention of suggesting gender was a requirement, she was just trying to put a positive spin on relationships with the opposite gender, a dynamic that has taken a beating the last few decades (as she describes in the opening portion of the article)
Yeah that’s probably true, Mark. I didn’t mean to suggest the writer was purposefully stressing gender, just that that is sort of what happened.
It’s funny. Women/feminists have spent the last several decades telling men how much you didn’t need (or in many cases want) us around anymore, (fishes and their bicycles, remember?) But it was okay as long as we still kept chasing after you right? Because that gave you power… but now that men have started to give up on that game, have started to walk away… suddenly it’s “well, men and women DO need each other.” Ladies, as much as I’d like to agree that men and women do need each other, as much as I do want female companionship… I’m… Read more »
Now now, let’s not engage in TOO MUCH HYBERBOLE!
I mean, if you’re going to be sarcastic and make snide comments, at least make them funny. You just sound paranoid and ridiculous. Not funny at all.
Although, that business about wolf whistling is interesting. You got a link for that? Thanks in advance!
I think he is talking about this (I didn’t bother to search for original sources or the text of the European Council convention David Cameron signed yesterday): http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/9130864/Wolf-whistling-could-be-made-illegal-under-new-European-convention.html
This isn’t the first time there has been talk about making wolf-whistling (or “communicating in an indecent manner”) illegal which this 2008 man-bites-dog article about female students wolf-whistling constructions workers mentions: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/2174531/College-girls-banned-from-whistling-at-builders.html
OMG lol that’s about the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! If feminists really thought men and women were the same or interchangeable there would be no mention of this law. I’m willing to bet a lot of men would like it if men would like it if women esp cute ones were telling them how attractive they were. To be real, a lot of women dress like they want to be wolf whistled. I’m 25, and I even I can see the difference in how women dress just in the past few years. There’s more cleavage, and women walk… Read more »
Quite frankly I wish I could turn off the desire for romance, a relationship, sex, companionship, etc. I could focus on other things much better. We have a built in desire generally for reproduction + companionship, and I wonder if that actually becomes a need where we function our best with it. Loneliness and other negative feelings can arise if we aren’t with someone, how many people feel depressed because of no romance/etc? I know I certainly feel it. Due to my social anxiety disorder I’ve had a lot of time alone and it’s been very depressing, around others and… Read more »
What is bringing these articles on? The whole premise of feminism is that women can do by themselves. They don’t need men or others to make life complete. Now it’s a biological imperative that the sexes need each other? What scientific study is this based on? In my own experience I’ve seen a lot more harm than good come out of these assumptions. I can’t recommend plunging into relationships anymore. Too much damage. And I don’t have any help for young men and flipping off the libido switch. It does get easier as you get older and the testosterone goes… Read more »
I suspect that there may be some alarm on the female side at the growing awareness among men that we don’t need THEM, either.
After several decades of proudly announcing that men are neither satisfactory, nor necessary, nor even welcome, some women are waking up to the fact that two can play this game. And MGTOW has a lot of them very angry and/or frightened.
Exactly CL. As much as some MRA’s mention MGTOW, my understanding is that MGTOW is actually a very small group. I have seen some of the MGTOW vids on youtube like on final justices and (unless I’m mistaken) the mgtow crowd advocates ZERO relationship interaction with women. My understanding from the many articles and books detailing men shifting from fatherhood is not that they have zero interaction with women. It’s that they just serially date with not inclination to marry or start a family. They also have zero inclination to ladder climb at work, or do any of the other… Read more »
sigh, some day bio science will invent a way for us men folk to chemically adjust ourselves not to fall victim to the great sexual distraction that is women. The whole something good looking in a skirt walks by and by the time her perfume catches your nose your already in what will be a 20 minute conversation with yourself about how “women hate being nagged by men all the time and she could be an assault survivor so Schrodinger’s rapist walking up to her might freak her out severely but that could be your approach anxiety talking”, then you… Read more »
Yes! Totally agree with this. Pharma should forget viagra and give us anti-viagra. I’d like nothing more than to have an ON and OFF switch for my libido. It would be like men finally getting the “pill” and all its associated liberation and empowerment. Think of all the television commercials we’d never notice; beer sales would plummet.
I do worry though, that in the OFF switch, we may lack all motivation to even get up in the morning. Oh well, I’m sure they will work out the kinks.
I used to want this very thing of which you speak. Then I decided, “Ah frak it!” and I decided I didn’t really give a damn that what I liked and how I behaved offended a bunch of school marms. Life’s been better ever since. Granted, dealing with the Sweetest One is still touch and go at times, but I manage. The rest of the female homo sapiens on this planet , well, they’re all entitled to their opinions on stuff, just like anyone else.
Carry a picture of Roseanne Barr at all times. Works like a charm!
Random Stranger, also think about all the “Dating and Relationship” experts that would be out of a job (Like the author of this article) LOL
I agree Neely. I need men. Men make me a better woman. Learning how to relate to men makes me a better woman. A more kind and compassionate one that isn’t just focused on myself and my wants and needs. There are some things I simply can’t do all by myself. And I don’t feel “weak” for saying that. And I am grateful to all the men in my life that have made my life a much nicer place because of the time and energy they directed toward me.
Nuh uh, you don’t need men anymore than men need sex. You WANT men, you DESIRE them. Sorry, couldn’t resist :P. I wonder if a want can become a need with a large instinct/drive/desire for it?
Lol Archy. Different conversation here with a different context. *wink
I feel like I just walked into a big inside joke here. Perhaps you could share with the rest of the class? Or is this the place where the bitter person says “Get a room, you two”?
I’m glad my gf isn’t as jaded, cynical or apathetic as some other people I’ve dated . We both need each other’s happiness and prosperity but she puts up with my little ‘Superman Lois Lane’ fixations even though she’s more independent then I am.
The whole concept of interdependency has taken such a hit this generation. When 2 fully autonomous people with their own sense of financial discipline, their own circle of friends their own likes dislikes and deal breakers, what on earth is holding them together?
Love
I know one of my best friends stays with her current husband because of financial reasons….a few weeks ago, he was abusive toward their 11 year old son because of a bad report card (I think it was more about the stressful events going on at work and he was taking it out on his son)…My family was supportive and we let them stay as long as they needed to figure it out (her brother urged her to go back home)….I know the abuse cycle is never ending….around and around it goes…I am just waiting for the next blowout [although… Read more »
Relevance? This article isn’t about abuse.
Were you present at the time of the incident or are you just interjecting your beliefs into another couples marriage?
My dad was a stern disiplinarian, now he and I are drinking buddies thank god we didn’t have friends like you when I was growing up.
My friend and her two kids told me that the father grabbed at his throat and ripped his flannel shirt (and I have the shirt as proof)…You think that’s evidence of good parenting skills? You would do that to your kid if he had a bad report card or you were stressed out about work? My friend needs a good husband and a good father…not some out of control maniac who throws and breaks things and tries to half-choke his kid…if my friend had more education or was more financially strong, she would be able to leave….I think he picked… Read more »
It seems that you have their divorce planed out. You are such a good person. I hope everyone know what a selfless humanitarian you are.
Don’t play into this. It is off topic and a hateful ploy to inject misandry into a conversation that promotes a positive outlook to relationships with men.
Article: “men are needed, men like to be needed, and it’s good to be needed by men”
Leia: “men are dangerous, I know from my friends experiences”
Don’t play the games.
^ This. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen Leia in the comments, singing the same old song.
Leia: I’m sorry you had a bad experience with men, but you don’t need to keep telling us about it over and over, especially in places like this where it’s so obviously out of context.
Sometimes I wonder whether Leia is a person or a computer program that posts different versions of same two stories about father manhandling his son and her being manipulated by a man.
Nearly every post leia has ever posted is about male abuse of women or children.