And Noel Franus believes this weakens the fight against breast cancer.
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Three years ago my sister-in-law Molly told the family she had breast cancer. They’d be removing both her breasts in a matter of days. And they told her she’d be losing her nipples, too. Turns out surgeons can’t save hers for reconstruction.
Molly’s surgeon said the normal course was to tattoo an areola back on, during the reconstruction phase. But Molly didn’t want a simple nipple drawn back on, so she polled family and friends for a creative work-around tattoo. Maybe get a monogram tattooed on instead of an areola? Some flowery vines? What about headlights! The women piped up with more ideas. But most men in Molly’s life were silent. This is a conversation most of us seem incapable of having—conversations about boobs that don’t involve sex.
This is a conversation most of us men seem incapable of having—conversations about boobs that don’t involve sex.
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Coming clean: yes, we love breasts and we think about them often. But we seem to be very uncomfortable discussing them, unless it’s in the company of bros and in the context of what we’d like to do with them should they magically appear before our eyes. Don’t believe me? Try it. Women, strike up a chat with your gentlemen friends in a way that doesn’t involve sex and watch them squirm, look away, fidget and remove all eye contact. Talk about old bras. Or describe the mammogram process. Talking about breasts this way just isn’t something we men have given ourselves permission to do.
(Boobalicious irony: the one thing we think about perhaps more than anything else may be the thing we’re least capable of discussing openly.)
Which begs the question: if we can’t talk about breasts, how are we going to get rid of breast cancer? After all, this is men’s work too. Not only are these are our mothers, our sisters and friends who need our help—but more than 2,000 men are diagnosed with breast cancer in the US each year as well. We don’t need half the world fighting cancer, we need all of it.
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Perhaps you’ve heard this before. But if we only think of breasts as playthings and the world goes pink one month a year then breast cancer becomes just a little too easy for guys to ignore.
Breast health has to be more than wearing a pink ribbon, pinkwashing a label or seeing pink cleats in the NFL. We’re losing too many loved ones. And even after someone has been lucky enough to “beat” cancer, it leaves a litany of physical and emotional debris behind that still must be dealt with. October isn’t the end of it. Surviving isn’t even the end of it.
When I talk with others about mastectomies or Molly’s situation, women react entirely differently from men. Women lock in; men react kindly but also with a glossed-over cautious look that suggests things might get very unrelateable and uncomfortable, very fast. Unless someone close has been diagnosed, they usually don’t want to think about this stuff for long, especially in the presence of other women. It’s just not a comfortable dynamic because, well, isn’t talk about books supposed to be sexy talk?
This might explain why there aren’t many of us men aren’t on the front lines fighting breast cancer. It’s their disease. Boobs talk is supposed to be sexy talk. Yet, if we’re going to make any strides towards ending breast cancer and improving the quality of life for those who have survived, we men need to be able to talk about breasts in non-sexualized ways.
Why am I writing this? Because I want to push us into the fight for breast cancer eradication. It’s everyone’s problem. So yes, get off the couch. Wear a pink ribbon. Fund research. Donate to P.INK Day to help survivors move on with the help of scar-coverage tattoos. But most importantly, just talk to the woman in your life about breasts. This reluctance to talk about breasts in a nonsexual way is holding back our ability to create any significant change in fighting breast cancer.
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Back to Molly: earlier this year, she chose reconstruction and covered her mastectomy scars with a pernambuco blossom tattoo. She used http://p-ink.org, which connects survivors with scar-coverage tattoo ideas and artists who can help. This is Molly’s emphatic middle finger to cancer after being under its control far too long.
So dudes. if we care about the millions of women and men killed by breast cancer each year—and the millions of Mollys who need help even after surviving—let’s get serious about this.
Let’s put the same enthusiasm that we share for sexy bits into expanding our understanding of the problem. Let’s start talking.
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Noel Franus is helping lead the first P.ink Day this October in Brooklyn, when P.ink is pairing 10 breast cancer survivors with 10 tattoo artists to provide scar-coverage and nipple replacement tattoos. We’re inviting the public to participate by crowdfunding the artists’ fees. Visit http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/p-ink-day-2013 to learn more.
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Photo: Ignas Kukenys / flickr
I don’t know if this is still the case, but when I used to do a lot of jogging and used to run in charity races, the pink ribbon 5K events did not allow men to compete, even men who had survived breast cancer. If that hasn’t changed, I would recommend allowing men to run/walk as well. That would probably go a long ways in building bridges with men. (Ironically, the 5K runs set up to support ovarian cancer research allowed anyone and everyone to take part, even though men cannot get ovarian cancer.)
I am kind of surprised by this hypothesis. I always thought this charitable endeavor was the gold standard compared to any other. I thought they received more attention (by leaps and bounds) than any other out there. I dont think there are many of us at all that have a problem talking about breasts and helping in this worthwhile cause. Now getting anyone up for Movember, or some of the other horrible cancers out there… that will be difficult. I think it is fairly obvious we can all pretty much talk about “boobies” without any real problems. I also think,… Read more »
Breast cancer awareness is something of a charity juggernaut. That’s because there’s kind of a good news/bad news situation that’s almost a perfect storm for fundraising. Breast cancer and its precursors are relatively common (bad news), but there is also a relatively high 5-year survival rate compared to other cancers (better news). Put those two epidemiological characteristics together and you wind up with lots of survivors still around to buy pink ribbons. Combine with the fact that breasts are more visible than heart disease and highly sexualized, unlike the lungs, and you get the gold standard. The Komen Foundation, for… Read more »
Chris, something tells me most readers like yourself at Good Men Project have a slightly more evolved view of this problem. Yet my experience has been quite different. The majority of my smart guy friends in my world are deers looking at headlights when this topic comes up. Especially around women.
Thank you for writing this…and the tattoos look really cool! I never thought I would be part of a charity walk-a-thon, but this year I am contributing and walking shoulder-to-shoulder with my fellow survivors/support group members and doctors/nurses/staff (they raised a ton last year and hope to raise more this year!)….in addition to the women’s support group, there is a men’s group (spouses) and a separate men’s breast cancer survivor group (numbers are much thinner)…. All I will say is that the support groups have helped me personally and marriage-wise…it is so easy for a bewildered spouse to do or… Read more »
Thank you Lela. It sounds like you’ve found the group you need to look forward with strength in good times and support in other times. Glad to hear that.
Don’t forget to remind everyone that there are MEN who develop breast cancer. Much rarer, of course, but it does happen. It’s not surprising that men may be uncomfortable discussing breasts in mixed company. There’s a very good chance doing so would make the women present feel uncomfortable. You could lose your job or get a sleazy reputation for talking about breasts, so for many men it’s just not worth the risk. Can we really expect men to open up more about breasts without facing serious social consequences? There’s a Catch-22 going on here. Our society is obsessed with breasts… Read more »
The only way I feel uncomfortable in talking about breasts around men, is when men are aggressively sexually objectifying about it. And lets be honest, men usually make sexual comments about breasts. Although obviously there are some environments where less is more. Such as work. However, among family memebers? It should be different. But you make a great point about being breasts obessed as sexual objects and how much more attention it gets. Heart disease actually kills women more regularly then breast cancer does .But it doesn’t get the same press time. And I hated the whole “save the boobies”… Read more »
Thanks. Yep, many men get breast cancer. More than 2,000 each year. The irony is that they’ll never get the attention they need from guys either unless we tackle the larger problem—our willingness to talk about, um, those things.
Totally agree about talking about this in mixed company. We’re a long way off from that. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be asking the females who are closest to us one question: what do your breasts mean to you? We need to start that conversation first.
With you on the “save the boobies” bracelets. Don’t get me started…
That would be really amazing..if men asked us what our breasts meant to us. I bet a lot of women never thought about it themselves either. It would also force us to contend with our own ideas about breasts.
Thank you for bringing up men and breast cancer. Ever want to feel uncomfortable? Try sitting in the waiting room of a breast center because you have gynecomastia and wear a compression vest. Ever want to see techs feel uncomfortable? Try going back for your exam. Ever want to see how many people don’t know about this? Ask local breast cancer support groups about resources for men, because a friend’s father who has breast cancer is relocating to the area.