<
Do men really need fixing, or are we forgetting men are human too?
—
I read a lot, I constantly come across articles on Facebook, Twitter, the news and other social shares about how men are broken:
- Where Have The Good Men Gone
- Why Men Don’t Listen to Women
- What Makes Men Emotionally Unavailable
- Why Men Aren’t Really Men Anymore
The list is endless with a constant theme that we men need to be different, better, more mature but with an underlying theme that somehow we are deficient, broken, less than what we should be. I know women have their own versions of this but today my topic is men. Men have their own difficulties, their own lessons to learn, their own way they were raised and I think it gets forgotten what it’s like to step into a man’s shoes sometimes, that men need empathy understanding too.
What armor do you don to protect you from the judgments of others.
|
You might ask where all the good men are as if they went away, as if they no longer exist, but they never left. Good men are still good and bad men are still bad and most of us lie in-between, partly good, partly bad and all human. We know the expectations placed upon us, know what society and women want but we can’t meet those expectations, we never could. What armor do you don to protect you from the judgments of others, none I’ve tried shine in the light. What sword do you wield to cut those stereotypes; none I’ve found are sharp enough. So we pretend to be stronger than we are, taller than we are, richer than we are, wiser than we are, feeling less than we do, knowing full well they are but illusions. Come take a walk in the expectations of us. Can you do it? Can you be 6 foot tall, six figure salary, a leader, burning with passion and purpose, never weak or afraid, a pillar of support? When you create your list of expectations of what you want in a partner can you meet those expectations yourself? Even just for a day? No men aren’t broken; we struggle as much as the next person trying to fit into shoes that have always been too big.
You may wonder why we don’t seem to listen, but we do, we hear, we understand, but then a response is required, a response we have oh so rarely heard ourselves. Our feelings have never been validated; they are aggression’s which need to be stopped, anger which needs to be controlled, sadness which needs to be hidden, and exuberance which is childish. From as early as we can remember our emotions have to be regulated, controlled, internalized and so when we need to respond with empathy we have no idea how, no one has taken the time to show us. We have no mechanism for reciprocating another’s feelings, our own have been walled off so when we hear yours the only way we can process them is defensively, by avoiding them or at worst by internalizing them. Can you imagine what that is like, hearing a friends emotions but having no tools in your belt for responding. How would you manage, could you do it? Men aren’t broken, we are as we were trained and we can’t expertly do that for which no one has taught us.
By the same measure you may also wonder why we are emotionally unavailable. Do you really think we don’t understand when we are sad, happy, in love, anxious or angry? That we are out of touch with our own feelings? What a load of bull crap. Do you think that possibly we are searching for a socially acceptable way of expressing those feelings and failing? We listened from birth as we were picked up less, we were told not to cry, to stop being so loud, that anger is not the answer. When you ask what we are feeling and we answer “I don’t know” you miss the last part of that sentence said under our breaths. “I don’t know how to express this in a way you would find acceptable”. Think about the socially acceptable ways for men to express their feelings. Could you do it? Could you go through a day not being able to express sadness, frustration, anger, happiness or fear? Men are not broken but we most certainly understand the consequences of revealing our feelings.
A man’s idea on how to be a man will not be the same as yours.
|
They tell us that men aren’t really men anymore and this one really pulls my beard. What are the rules for being a man? I’m an X-Gen and I can tell you now that the rules for being a man were being thrown out when I was teenager 30 years ago. Are we supposed to be stoic and aloof, or emotional and kind? We are supposed to approach women, yet how many articles out there proclaim the creepiness of men who approach and unwanted sexual attention. They say we should get married and settled down supporting a family. Yet I doubt there is a single man out there who doesn’t have a father, brother or friend who supported a family which ended up in divorce, a divorce where he lost his health, finances and children. Men are making their own way through this world, trying to define the life they lead in a world that only gives them expectations they can’t meet and judgments which are harsh and unfair. I know you live in a world with your own unfair expectations and judgments and you dislike being held to them. Take a moment to understand men have their own set and check to see if you aren’t unfairly applying them to these men. Men are not broken, but a man’s idea on how to be a man will not be the same as yours.
No men are not broken, no more than women are. Men have feelings, fears and they also have a lot to learn. Men are not the stereotypes portrayed of them and they hate being held to them as much as you do. Men aren’t stupid, unfeeling, uncaring or buffoons, they are just individuals needing as much support and empathy as you expect from them. Good men are always out there but I do wonder if you can see them sometimes. Men will talk when they feel safe, they are capable of empathy if you look not just at their words but also at their actions. There are a 1000 ways a man will show he cares if you take the time to look. And a real man, a real man is a myth that will blind you to the unlimited variety of men that surround you. No men aren’t broken, not unless you consider being human something that requires fixing.
—-
Photo: Flickr/Keith
*A minstrel was a medieval European bard who performed songs whose lyrics told stories of distant places or of existing or imaginary historical events. Although minstrels created their own tales, often they would memorize and embellish the works of others. The Modern Minstrel observes the world around him and shares it with us as lyrical story. This series was inspired by Luke Davis, whose eye for story and ear for lyrical prose are featured here.
Also by Luke Davis
What A Man Wants In A Marriage | What it Takes to See a Man’s Feelings | Have You Seen a Man’s Heart? | Why Date a Man Who Dances? |
Preach the truth, brother. Well said!
Interesting paragraph, and it has a bit or a MRA tone to it. Feminism has its good points in the sense that it strives to make men and women equal, but there are always extremists who will take things too far and start saying lets remove masculinity or women are all the same etc… It`s a valid perspective, and I wrote about this on my blog post about PUA (pick up artistry/ success with women).
Men are not like women. That’s the problem.
YOur last paragraph sums it up well.