Because we all fail the victims when we don’t speak up.
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I was only 15 when jurors found OJ Simpson not guilty of murdering his wife and Ron Goldman. I don’t remember the seedy details nor did I fully understand the evidence. However, watching Ezra Edelman’s groundbreaking documentary OJ: Made in America, I was horrified at the domestic abuse that went on in the Simpsons’ marriage.
Fast forward to 2016.
We still have athletes being arrested and charged with domestic assault on a regular basis. We still have women being murdered because the system didn’t protect them. I experienced it first hand—that nauseating feeling of knowing that a woman I knew was murdered by a man she loved. Domestic violence and abuse has continued to be a largely ignored and under-reported crime against women.
We are often silent in the conversations surrounding domestic violence and its effects on women, the family, and children. But that can change.
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There was a poignant discussion on Twitter as many watched the series on ESPN. Someone stated that after now knowing the full scope of what Nicole Brown Simpson endured for years before her murder that her blood was a lot of people’s hands.
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As men, we turn a blind eye to abuse happening in our midsts. We don’t acknowledge patterns or always extend help to a situation in need. We are often silent in the conversations surrounding domestic violence and its effects on women, the family, and children. But that can change.
It has to change.
A few years ago, I wrote about how it’s stupid to tell abused women to leave their abusive situations. Most men aren’t actively involved in the conversation for two main reasons: A) They don’t feel it’s their business to interject in another man’s household/relationship or B) The abuse hasn’t escalated to hitting so a woman should be able to take care of herself. In order to have a more nuanced position in the dialogue, the first fact that men have to be aware of is that not all abuse looks the same.
While physical abuse is the most egregious, for a lot of women, it doesn’t get that far. Abusive men spend years breaking down their partner with words and manipulation. They find out what the woman’s insecurity is and harp on it until she starts believing it herself. A man’s ability to be emotionally abusive can be found in his character. How they talk to others, how they treat other women, and even how they treat other men are all indicators that emotional and mental abuse is quite possibly going on.
It’s tough for men to police other men. However, we need to hold each other to a higher standard.
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Some of us have friends like this. We joke about our guy friends being a**holes. There may even be situations that arise where we know our friend went too far. But we don’t say anything. Or we laugh it off as “that’s just him.” Our silence on this type of behavior is a classic example of enabling. As a man, I recognize how critical it is to a woman’s safety that we don’t permit general bullying or abuse to go unchecked in our presence. Because the truth is, if he acts that way around a group of guys in a trusted setting, it’s typically exponentially worse at home.
It’s tough for men to police other men. However, we need to hold each other to a higher standard.
A good example is the hot button issue of street harassment. Men feel entitled to talk to women on the street or in other public spaces. Some feel like it’s a man’s job to hunt and it’s a woman’s job to be pursued, even if she clearly doesn’t want to be. That same narcissism carries over to the conversation about domestic abuse. We tell women to just leave or we find some loophole to blame them for their plight, instead of teaching men not be an abusive.
Men can add their voices and support to the conversation in many ways. Aside from knowing the willingness to stop defending abusive behavior, as fathers, we can do a better job of showing our sons early what affection looks like.
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I can remember seeing older guys in the neighborhood laugh when we chased little girls, hit them with sticks to get their attention, called them names, or otherwise picked on them. Fortunately, I was taught differently in my house. Not every little boy has an environment where they are being re-programmed though.
And I wonder, could their lives have been spared if more of us men become bold enough to speak up and advocate with the same passion as other women do?
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Some grow up thinking that ignoring a little girl’s pain is normal. They, in turn, mature into men who show and acquire love through fear and intimidation. We can influence change by simply teaching our sons, nephews, and cousins that you can’t make a little girl like you. You can’t make a woman stay with you by making her scared to leave.
Just the other day, I was reading about a woman who was murdered by her boyfriend. She’d had several restraining orders against him. She’d done everything within her legal right to keep her and her child safe. It failed. Perhaps, others in her life failed her too like Nicole Brown Simpson. There are thousands of stories just like hers that don’t make headlines. And I wonder, could their lives have been spared if more of us men become bold enough to speak up and advocate with the same passion as other women do?
Also by James Woodruff
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Photo: Getty Images
I’m curious as to how men speaking out against violence against women actually address any of the root causes of the violence. For example, violence is repeated behavior. How is me telling some guy not to hit his girlfriend fix the fact that his mother used to beat him? How is me telling him not to hit his girlfriend going to reduce the stress he feels over losing his job? Shouldn’t you be addressing the root causes oft the problem otherwise this is just another exercise in bashing men?
To the author. We are trying to join the conversation, but no one is listening. In fact, they are still shouting us down while doing as I see here, completely ignoring male victims while continually blaming men based on one sided, gender based argument. What we need to be doing is to begin to understand that violence is not gender spacific, not a function of masculinity. Again, upwards of 90% of our most violent criminals in our prison system today are the product of the single parent female head of household. That is not an indictment against women (it is… Read more »
I have seen many articles written on GMP that specifically addressed independently, violence men perpetuate against women and then violence women perpetuate against men. The readership at GMP is largely interested in only addressing this topic when men are the victims, not the perpetrators.
“The readership at GMP is largely interested in only addressing this topic when men are the victims, not the perpetrators.”
I disagree. People more actively comment, but I think that’s largely due to the way the articles are presented. Articles talking about female perpetrated domestic violence usually focus on the victims. Articles talking about male perpetrated domestic violence usually focus on the perpetrators. Additionally articles which focus on male perpetrators also tend to make the argument that it is a gender obligation to correct. Women are never expected to do anything about domestic violence even domestic violence they themselves commit.
You know, reading this you’d think domestic abuse was a one way street……Yet current studies show it as a two way wide open highway. Ignoring that it is makes it worse and much more difficult to stop. Mom on Dad, Mom on Children, Sister on Brother are all generally as common as what highlighted in this article…..yet somehow unmentionable to the author… Why? Might it not be a Extremely sexist attitude that needs to be realigned with reality?
Trey. Yes, you are right that domestic violence involves all types of family relationships. While all of this violence needs to be addressed, the author is focusing on male to female violence. It bothers me that the few comments to this post divert attention away from men’s role in stopping violence. While women have been the ones who have been bringing this topic to light, men have more power and influence to make a difference. I hope that you can find a way to make a positive difference. Peace and Love
“It bothers me that the few comments to this post divert attention away from men’s role in stopping violence ”
I think it’s simply a recognition that men’s roles is no different from women’s roles. Contrary to what the article suggests, I believe that men as a group are more outspoken about domestic violence committed against women than women as a group are about domestic violence committed against men.
Read what i wrote to in reply to Erin. It applies across the board. That is not an indictment of women, but it is an indictment of our society. We can’t expect men, or any human to care when we continually not only fail to care for them, but either judge them or punish them for being the victim. Think for a second here. Would we ask that of women today? If it were women with no services, women being beaten 40% of the time, would we be asking them to support violence against men and then disparage them for… Read more »
“I wrote about how it’s stupid to tell abused women to leave their abusive situations” Yet, it makes absolute sense. What is the alternative? Act like Santino in The God Father and kick his a** every time he hits her? I’ve done that before. Usually she just stops telling you that he hit her. I was in a situation where a former friend had hit his girlfriend. Firmer because that instance caused him to violate our no a**hole rule and we haven’t seen him since. It’s been about 25 years. He didn’t hit her in front of us. He knew… Read more »
No mention about male victims of domestic violence.
So what your saying is that you will only talk about domestic violence when men are represented as the victims? Not the perpetrators ? And if the article had only talked about domestic violence from the perspective of men as victims, never mentioning women as victims of DV too, you would have felt the same exact way responded the same way, saying: “no mention of women victims of domestic violence”?
Logical fallacy, Erin, and exactly the problem. We continually work to prevent violence against women but to nothing for men. The Violence against women and children act is a prime example, and now, under the Duluth model, a male victim can be determined to be the perpetrator and arrested. When we exist in a country where violence against women is on the downward swing and violence against men, by women is on an upward swing, and we are still completely ignoring the issues, it needs to be addressed, not the reverse. That is why the discussion is needed regarding female… Read more »
So what your saying is that you will only talk about domestic violence when men are represented as the victims? Not the perpetrators ?
No I think he is saying that saying you want to talk about domestic violence and then only talking about male against female violence is a bait and switch. Just lead off by saying its a discussion about male against female violence.