When a female teacher gives a fifteen year old a lap dance, you’d expect the news story itself to be the most disturbing part. You would be wrong.
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In February, 42-year old Texas middle school teacher Felicia Smith was videoed performing a full-contact, birthday lap dance on a fifteen year-old male in front of the entire class. The dance lasted nearly four minutes and included Ms. Smith placing her head in between the young man’s legs, the young man slapping and squeezing Ms. Smith’s backside, and the dance culminating with the words, “Happy birthday, baby. I love you” whispered in the young man’s ears.
The story made headlines over the last few weeks as Ms. Smith was arrested, charged with having an improper relationship with a student. She was removed from campus and has been released on $30,000 bond. Ms. Smith admits she performed the lap dance and states the class urged her into the performance.
My original plan was to write a Good Men Project article focused purely on this story. I’m a former teacher and current educational consultant. The whole incident left me shaking my head, wondering about the impact on the young man, the classroom of students, and those educators affiliated with that and other schools who would never conduct themselves in such a manner. I must have read over a dozen versions of the story. It’s only when I began scrolling to the comments section that my plan changed.
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I don’t expect silence on an issue. I also don’t expect agreement on an issue. Comments sections are meant for dialogue. For feedback. For readers to converse rationally about a story and further the conversation so we can have our voices heard and make change where needed.
Here are some comments from a few men that caught my attention:
John: “Another Obama voter success story.”
Rex: “Diversity hires cannot be fired…..and as Michelle ObowelMovement said…’Diebersity bee hour screnfs.'”
Michael: “Today’s middle school students get all the breaks.”
Andrew: “If boys would learn to keep their mouths shut, they would get more.”
BobbycinPA: “Sad that he didn’t wear jogging pants that day … Am I right guys? ;)”
Terrance: “Darn … what was wrong with the teachers when I was growing up … sure would have attended more classes if they were like that.” (Note: Later, when challenged by another reader, Terrance stated it was obvious this was a joke).
Believe me, these are tame compared to others out there.
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As I sifted through comment after comment, there were less men I saw having rational conversation. Some were on the cusp but lost it at the end, like Randy, who began with some rational discourse then generalized about the young man’s family life:
no common sense, no morals…the moral decay of today’s young people keeps marching on and everyone thinks it’s “cool”…it’s not just the teacher that’s clearly in the wrong here, but the kid receiving the lap dance should have had the brains to tell her “no” and walk out of the class…he didn’t walk out so he’s just as culpable…not blaming the kid for being a moron because he’s probably been exposed to this type of behavior at home and his parents could care less as long as he doesn’t interrupt their time watching their favorite reality shows every evening….
I was deflated. Where were the men speaking with civility and values in these conversations?
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It took Batman (well Bruce Wayne) no less, to save the day. A thirteen year old girl had commented:
Boys are valued even more than girls. The only difference is girls aren’t as sexually driven as boys and if they are it’s considered a bad thing. Girls are seen as a victim in these situations whereas for most boys it’s a dream. I’m not making this up either, I’m a tomboy so I hang out with mostly guys and we are all 13 and all they talk about is how they want to bang certain teachers and other grown women.
To this, Bruce Wayne replied:
You are generalizing Lexi, and respectfully, your group of friends is not by any stretch of the imagination an accurate cross section of “most men.” Primarily because you are all still children, but also because you don’t know enough people to make a blanket statement about how “most” of any demographic thinks.
A respectful comment. One that points out misinformation, avoids generalization, and doesn’t flame a war that causes others to degrade to the lowest common denominator.
Then, more rational male comments materialized, like Lawrence:
Mrs. Smith lost her dignity, control of her classroom and warped a young man’s mind about the teacher student relationship.
Not attacking Mrs. Smith’s race. Not challenging how the young men should have “liked it.” Sure, someone could find aspects of Lawrence’s comment with which to disagree, but you’ll notice Lawrence conversed rationally.
These are the men setting the right example.
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So, what to do? Should men avoid these online conversations? Or, do we have a responsibility to set a rational example?
At the Good Men Project, we’re having the conversation no one else is having. Let’s continue that tradition not only in the stories we tell but in the respectful, educated dialogue afterward.
The comments section is yours. How will you use it?
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Image credit: JeepersMedia/flickr (original image cropped)
The topic is kinda immaterial. It’s rare to find rational debate online about nearly any topic. The world is trying to communicate in Twitter phrases.
Well said. When I read comment sections – which I do after reading every article, and sometimes in place of reading the article – I go in hopeful that I’ll get some intelligent insight that I hadn’t considered. I’m oftentimes overwhelmingly disappointed by all the rude and generalized comments to sift through to find the one or two respectful, coherent, logical, and conscientious viewpoints. I’m hopeful for a day when the numbers are reversed and more intellect fills comment sections rather than its counterpart.
Ever since Jerry Springer was given airtime, an entire dark segment of society was given a permission slip to behave badly. In fact, they were encouraged and rewarded for it. Not releasing the teacher for her crossing the line, but in today’s permissive atmosphere, crossing the line is too often the norm. Her students are not the ones who should be policing situations like this while they are barely aware of their own mix of morals and hormones. Your article is well written ~ the comments you included are representative of the lower mindset of those who posted.
OR is there an elephant in the room we are all avoiding.
The PERP was a woman, therefore somehow not responsible and therefore it must be the MAN , I mean boy.
Would we feel the same way if this was a 15 year old gay boy who was getting a lap dance etc from a older male teacher. NOPE we wouldn’t.
I wonder of the kid was lucky type comments are just a manifestation of I’m not gay. During a high school retreat, I accepted a sexual invitation from a college woman (relayed through a classmate who set up the would be encounter) I didn’t even know what she looked like. I did know that had I turned it down John turned down sex with a college woman would be all over the school. My religion teacher caught her and some other women coming off the elevator to our floor. I wonder how much of the comments are motivated by the… Read more »
Scott, Such an important topic to bring attention to. Because I know that people are bound to say it, I’ll just say it first. Women are no less guilty of this. Both genders have some work to do in terms of how they navigate comments sections. That being said, it doesn’t make your post any less true. Thanks for keeping us mindful. I hope it changes at least one mind and has at least one person-male or female-thinking twice about how they talk online. Words have power. Thanks.