I know because I’m a woman, and I cheated on my college boyfriend.
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I have always hated the “all men cheat” blanket statment. For one, I know that all men don’t cheat. But, I also know that women also cheat. I cheated. I cheated on a serious, long-term boyfriend when I was in college. And, I was racked with guilt.
We met in Italy during my junior year in college and pledged our undying love. He was Italian, and for me, it was the romance to end all romances. We spent weekends exploring Italy by train, we dined at tiny trattorias, me fumbling my way through learning Italian, smoking countless cigarettes over espresso and chianti. I loved him, I learned from him, and I cheated on him.
The plan was, after that year, most of which was spent with American students in a villa outside Florence studying art history, architecture, Italian, and taking field trips to Assisi, Orvieto, and Rome, was to return to the States, finish my degree and then go back, marry him, and make Italian babies. I even believed this would come to pass during most of my senior year as we wrote lengthy love letters and pined over one another. I added an Italian double major. And yet, back in the States, as the year wore on, and my libido settled, my ambitions and goals awakened, and the level of Montepulciano in my blood stream petered out, I did a double take. So, I cheated. And it was wrong.
I also know why I cheated. It was the biggest, loudest get out now horn-honking, red-flag waving my subconscious could have ever shoved in front of me. That’s no excuse because it was a crappy thing to do.
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I also know why I cheated. It was the biggest, loudest get out now horn-honking, red-flag waving my subconscious could have ever shoved in front of me. That’s no excuse because it was a crappy thing to do. I lied and I broke my promise, but that’s why I did it.
♦◊♦
I was young. I’d never cheated before and I never cheated again. At the time, I wasn’t mature enough to say “I am having huge reservations about where my life and relationship are going. I don’t want to move to Italy and live in a tiny apartment and make babies.” I was twenty-one and had wide eyes and an open mind with no constraints, except those I put on myself. And suddenly, they felt like a straight jacket. But, instead of doing the right thing first, I did something that, had my boyfriend found out, he’d have drilled me down the soccer field like Milan’s striker Mario Balotelli and never looked back. As it was, when I told him I was returning to the States and not planning to marry him, he practically spit on me. He called me a whore. And no, I didn’t get the translation wrong. I was fluent by then. It was ugly and mean. He was blindsided and angry, and hurt.
This was after I moved to Italy after college, still believing I’d be with him, we would live this fantasy. I had led him to believe I’d follow through. I am not excusing how he spoke to me, or treated me. It was horrible. From his cultural standpoint, not just as an Italian but from where he was raised in Italy, my actions were akin to a promise. An engagement. I had no idea what I’d gotten myself into. I lived with him for a few months, and things spiraled fast for me. I had nothing. No job, no support system, all I had was us. I had no me. I was lonely and unfulfilled, and I realized very early on that I made a mistake. The whirlwind romance of being a student abroad with weekends in Perugia, Rome, and Siena, with wine, museums, and Italian architecture and art history—it was a living dream. A finite, lovely, and incredible dream. But it was not sustainable.
♦◊♦
Real life was that we were too young, too different, didn’t want the same things, were not in the same places in life, and were not in a place to make a lifelong commitment to one another.
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Real life was that we were too young, too different, didn’t want the same things, were not in the same places in life, and were not at a point to make a lifelong commitment to one another. That became clear and fast. In fact, I knew it long before I went back to live with him. I knew it when I cheated. I just didn’t face it. And I am sorry, because I know he was true to me. He did not deserve betrayal nor did my short term U.S. fling with whom I cheated. And, I am sorry to both of them. I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time, which I guess wasn’t much.
I want you both to know, I apologize. I do know now, for a fact, that you are both just fine without me. Yes, the earth rotates on its axis without Jenny in everyone’s life. And U.S., you got it then, even though I didn’t. You were wise to me. So, maybe you had yourself a little fun, although you’re such a good man, I know you still now, I suspect if felt a little off to you. Still, it was not OK. To my former Italian lover and friend, I know you are happily married, with a daughter and the life you want, and that would not have happened with me.
I am sorry I cheated on you. Cheating on you taught me why people cheat, or at least why I cheated. Something wasn’t right, and I wasn’t willing to face it.
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I am sorry I lied to you. I am sorry I cheated on you. Cheating on you taught me why people cheat, or at least why I cheated. Something wasn’t right, and I wasn’t willing to face it. Now, I face whatever isn’t right because it’s just not fair otherwise.
Thank you, thank you for showing me Italy, for teaching me Italian, for teaching me the value of family, for traveling with me, for introducing me to amazing tastes, sounds and sights. I hope I taught you too, and I am sorry for what I took, that which you know, and that which you don’t.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
Thank you for your honesty and insight! It’s fulfilling to look back on your life and try to understand the “questionable” choices that we made (like going out with a boyfriend who was abusive–I don’t know that I can ever explain why, accept to say I was a naive teenager, but I forgave myself for it, but it took several years to get to that place). Great post!
Jenny, I often have people sit on my proverbial couch and say, “I am that person I used to judge. I have done something (or said something, or created something) I never thought I would.” Your article hopefully helps folks realize that we all have the capacity to be hurtful. And to make mistakes. It’s a really warm and vulnerable piece. Thanks for writing it.
Hi Jenny, Life can be pretty intriguing and confusing at times. some of the experiences we can never forget and memories haunt us. I had a love interest, a girl, lets call her CJ. It was always a one sided thing because she never responded to my love and i indeed loved her. She just wanted to be friends, we used to spend hours together the kind of time she didn’t even spend with her boyfriend later on. I had to move on and got married and now i have a kid too. very recently i happened to get in… Read more »
Hi Ritesh, I get how you must be feeling. It cannot be easy loving someone for so long without getting it back. And perhaps if you waited before, she may have turned to you for life. But again, maybe she wouldn’t have. Perhaps she would only see you as a friend. But you have moved on. You have a wife and a kid. You said it yourself CJ is trying to turn her back to love. Speaking from own experience, i understand the urge to have the hope to know the truth but then some things are truly better left… Read more »
Martin,
I am sorry you went through a betrayal. Sometimes it really is hard to see why we do what we do until after the fact, and then it smacks us in the face. I know when I was younger, it was that way. I hope you are healing and moving forward.
Jenny
Finally !
A totally honest woman !
Thank you, Jane !
As a man who was recently betrayed by the Love of My Live,
I can relate to much of your article,
from both the cheater and the cheatee’s perspective.
I find it easier to forgive someone for treating me disrespectfully
when I know why they did it.
It does not save the relationship,
and the betrayal does not hurt any less.
It is just a little easier to forgive when you know why.
Jenny, you continue to write with passion, purpose, and honesty. Thanks for sharing your experiences and helping us all better see what is sex-linked behavior and what is not. We all contribute to each other’s journeys in life. Appreciating what we’ve been given and accepting when we have caused pain, is a great gift to ourselves, others, and the wide world of men and women.
Thanks, Jed. Not always easy to self-reflect and be honest about mistakes but it’s the only way to move forward. I appreciate your support of my work.