Andrea Lawful-Trainer tells the story of when a business associate told her to tone down her personality.
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I thought long and hard before writing this post because I know there will be an outcry from men who swear they don’t think, feel or behave in the manner in which I’m about to describe. But perception is reality, and the unvarnished truth is this: some men in positions of power believe it’s their inalienable right to offer unsolicited advice to female leaders, advice they wouldn’t dare utter to a male in their network. It’s happened to my colleagues, and it’s happened to me.
For example: a while ago, in a meeting with a somewhat powerful man, I was given the word to “soften myself” because my “presence can be intimidating.” I looked him dead in his eyes, and with a soft smile said: “Whatever do you mean? I don’t dress harshly; I’m kind to everyone… in fact, I’m quiet on purpose.”
The fact that I had to even go down the list of what I was doing right, was insulting enough, but I did it purposely in order to hear his response, which was: “You’re absolutely right; you’ve haven’t done or said anything wrong, but your presence gives other men a pause of discomfort, so you may want to think about how you can “soften” yourself so that you can become more acceptable… I couldn’t make this stuff up.
I then asked him, quietly, “If I were a man would you be having this conversation with me?” He replied: “No, but it is what it is.”
Now what was I to do with that besides smile and remind myself to keep going unchanged?
I have often wondered why women were expected to be smart and tough in the business world, yet they’re judged and marginalized for doing just that. Could it be that some folks truly cannot fully visualize women outside of being submissive, bare feet, pregnant and following the rules as they were designed for us? (Before you get all up in arms by my statement, let’s be clear about the rules and how they are bent to fit males while leaving women with minimal options.)
What’s sad is that so many of us strong women fall prey to the foolishness; we either try to fit in or walk away. Whatever happened to just standing firmly in your truth? I could understand if this were a popularity contest, but in order for us to be in places of power, we had to work long—and much harder than men—to even be recognized as a leader.
To sit in meetings and have irate men label us as aggressive, because we disagree with their principles, is not only unfair, it childish; it’s like taking your toys from the sand box and going home because you can’t have your way. To minimize the work of women, so you can maximize yourself, is insecure behavior.
So men, the next time you’re in a meeting with a powerful woman and you’re tempted to behave in a manner that is less than appropriate, remember that we see you and will move any obstacles to get around or through you.
To the women who are doing incredible work despite the odds, please know that you are encouraging others … BRAVO to you!
To the women who are deeply uncomfortable when these kinds of scenarios take place, find strong mentors—male or female—who will talk you through processes, and remind you that you are indeed in a place where you belong. You’ve earned the right to be there, so don’t apologize.
Contrary to popular belief, there is room at the table for everyone.
Thanks for reading the thoughtful musings of a DIVA!™
A proud mother of black boys, Andrea Lawful-Trainer is the Principal/CEO of C.A.P.E.S, Chairperson of SE PA CARES, an Affiliate of the National CARES Mentoring Movement, and Chair of the Montgomery County Advisory Council to the PA Human Relations Commission.
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Photo: MCAD Library/Flickr
Blugger: But perception is reality, and the unvarnished truth is this: some men in positions of power believe it’s their inalienable right to offer unsolicited advice to female leaders, advice they wouldn’t dare utter to a male in their network. It’s happened to my colleagues, and it’s happened to me. — What a coin-ki-dink! GMP is all about women and sometimes men offering endless unsolicited advice to men, often served up with a generous dollop of blame and shame – advice they wouldn’t dare utter to women online or off. I personally find it extremely entertaining – more fun to… Read more »
And yet, context is everything. Men come to this site for other people’s thoughts on being a man, looking for insight or advice (otherwise why would they come? The exception being people like yourself, that seem to read in order to disagree without producing anything of your own). Women don’t go to their day-to-day meetings to get unsolicited advice. The key’s in the word ‘unsolicited’ – men come to sites like this soliciting advice and views, women and men don’t go to those meetings soliciting that advice.