Colin Berry invites famous and unfamous men alike to own what they say, and for all of us to reap the benefits.
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On “Fresh Air” recently, Terry Gross was interviewing Alec Baldwin, the “30 Rock” star, and at one point, here’s what he said:
“Starring in films for studios, in those kind of big-ticket films, you get a period of time, especially when you’re younger, and when that doesn’t work out, your career evolves into something else. You go do independent films, and there’s less money at stake, and then you turn around, and you’re 40, and then you turn around, and you’re 50.”
Guys—especially famous ones getting interviewed—talk this way a lot. They use “you” when what they mean is “I.” The winning quarterback: Hey, you just do your best out there. The heroic fireman: You don’t even think about it, you just go in. Lance Armstrong, talking to Oprah: You overcome the disease, you win the Tour de France seven times, you have a happy marriage, you have children.
But here’s the thing. When a guy talks about himself using you, he loses me, figuratively and semantically. Take Lance: even though he says “you,” he’s still talking to me, and I’ve never had cancer, I’ve certainly never won a Tour de France, and I’ve definitely never had kids. When he speaks of himself this way, I don’t connect with him. I feel separate from Lance and what he’s experienced.
Same is true with men in my life. When a neighbor of mine, referring to his son’s friends’ parents, tells me, “you have no idea who you’re dealing with,” or an old high school friend confides, of his pot smoking, “you know, you’ve just gotta check out every once in a while,” my disconnection is the same. Maybe I do have an idea who I’m dealing with. Maybe I don’t have to check out once in a while. The two of us remain separate.
There’s an easy fix, though: use “I” instead of “you.” I overcame the disease. I won the Tour de France seven times. I have no idea who I’m dealing with. I’ve just got to check out every once in a while.
This simple difference achieves two things. First, it allows the man to clearly own the experience for himself (more about this in a moment), and second, it allows the listener—me—to better connect with a man who’s speaking about something true and real for him.
When I talk, if I use “I” instead of “you,” I take responsibility for what I’m saying, as well as for all the feelings and emotions that go along with it. I have a certain kind of marriage. I have kids. (Or I don’t.) I turn around and I’m 40. Using “I” increases the likelihood that I’m connected squarely with what I’m talking about, rather than weakening it by using the generic “you.”
Let me give you an example. At a party a few months back, I was talking with a man I knew about his recent divorce. He spoke for a while about logistics and legalities before I stopped him.
I asked him to try using I. ‘Okay, I feel sad.’
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“How are you feeling these days?” I asked. He and his wife had been together 12 years.
“Oh, fine, you know, trying to catch up on work stuff and I was thinking about—”
“No, hold on. How are you feeling?”
He looked uncomfortable. “Well, you know, you—you feel sad, after all that time, and that potential and nothing comes from it and…” I could tell he was uneasy, but something deeper was there.
I held his uneasy gaze. “Try this,” I said, gently. “‘I feel sad.’ Try it.”
“No, no, I mean, you just—”
“Just try it.”
He glanced away and took a breath. “Okay, I feel sad.”
“Try it again. Really give yourself the chance to feel it.”
He seemed to settle into himself and this time, as he spoke the words, his whole demeanor changed: the weight of a failed dozen-year marriage seemed to settle upon his shoulders and face, and it was clear he genuinely felt sadness. Watching it sink into his body, I felt it, too, and for the first time, his words felt congruent with what I was seeing. We stayed this way for a minute or so.
He gave a long, slow exhale. “Thanks, man,” he said. “I think I needed that.”
This use of “you” instead of “I” seems to have gained a foothold back in the 80s and 90s, with writers like Jay McInerney (in Bright Lights, Big City) and Chuck Palahniuk (in certain passages of Fight Club), but even Faulkner and Camus used it, too. Yet while “you” seems to imply a certain universality, the disconnection it creates between a man and his emotions, as well as between men, far outweighs any pseudo-familiarity it offers.
But isn’t using “I” egotistical? No. It’s honest, clear, authentic, and powerful. It’s communication, not generalization. Embrace it.
In my men’s group, in the past decade, I’ve witnessed time and time again how this simple shift in speaking can directly affect men’s understanding of what they’re saying, allowing them to effectively connect with and navigate the emotions that go along with it. And their emotional authenticity, in turn, links up with my emotions and allows me to connect with them more deeply.
So Alec, Lance, and other male celebs: why not give it a shot? In our star-worshipping culture, if you guys start something, others will follow. A simple semantic shift from “you” to “I” can result in more clarity, better ownership, greater authenticity, and more genuine, powerful, emotional connection among men. Speaking for myself, I’m ready for that. How about you?
—Photo: Vivanista1/Flickr
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Love it. It’s one of my pet peeves. I think it bothers me because the “you-ser” isn’t speaking for me, especially if I don’t think he’s describing a universal trait. Another personal peeve is people who start a sentence with “I mean…” when they’re not explaining something they’ve just said. And I’m no grammar Nazi; I love colloquialisms, as long as they make sense and don’t sound too stupid.
I’m so happy someone addressed this. I don’t think it’s just a “man” thing. I hear this all the time with my friends, family and during interviews on TV. Even when I read blogs I see it written in this fashion. It’s a complete disassociation with the speaker or, writer. Placing responsibility of an emotion, thought or action on the listener or, reader. Own it people! It takes some practice. I catch myself making this mistake. Thanks for this. It’s a goody.
Stop coming to my parties and depressing all my guests!
Not just men, but all people need to use I. I am an English teacher and this is something I continually try and teach my students. It irritates me to no end how often people use “you”. Thanks for the great post!
You’re welcome, Paige. Thanks for the note!
CB
Yo Colin,
Great topic. I help people with this all the time as a Substance Abuse Counselor. A great explanation I use especially in Group work is “When I use ‘U’ statements, I am telling you about you, and when I use ‘I’ statements I am telling you about me!” Keep up the great work brother! Write On!!!
Stephan
Thanks, Stephan!
I thought you might like to know that I did the NWTA in Wisc. in Oct 91.
And great work here my brother.
A lot of focus here on being emotionally direct but I think you have to keep in mind that not everyone wants to hear emotional directness or vulnerability. I never know how to react when people are too emotionally. I find it quite disturbing, actually. The listener’s feelings should be considered too.
I love this! I’ll have to make an effort to listen more carefully to the men in my life.
In public communication the use of many “I”‘s is called “I-strain”. In a private setting, with a close friend, “I” is important. In a public setting, interviewing with a complete stranger, “I” is “I-Strain”. I can’t say I’ve been at many parties with FRIENDS who retell experiences using “you” where clearly they mean “I”. Wait, are you in L.A.? Maybe that’s the problem… ;>
If you had done that to me at a party I would have told you to get out of my face. What right did you have to press this guy and make him feel uncomfortable. I’m sure if he wanted to talk about his divorce with you he would have offered on his own. Besides you were at a party. Not sure why you’d think a painful divorce, or any painful feelings would be appropriate in the situation.
I hear you, Jimbo, and I definitely don’t use (nor suggest) that approach as a default. In this case, I’ve known this man for a long time, in several contexts, and it was an intuitive hit I had at that moment. If he had been a total stranger, I would likely have kept my mouth shut. (In this man’s case, I don’t think I made him feel anything — his uncomfortableness was plain to everyone long before I asked him anything.) One more thing, though, for what it’s worth: I don’t like going to parties anymore where people don’t talk… Read more »
Colin & Jimbo – I think what you (Colin) did was because you actually took the time to listen to your friend and knowing his situation you were correct in suggesting he use “I”. In too many conversations these days people talk “at” each other not “to” each other. Hardly anyone listens – it all about talk. In my field I find it is all about “the journey” and none of us has to travel that path alone. Colin, keep up the good work.
This is perfect, Colin! I have observed this behavior myself and it feels so cool to me that I am finding this piece that you have shared…right now. I will continue speaking with others about this “new” way of being…a beautiful lesson in connecting to our selves and to one another.
Thanks, SolFinder! I’m glad the article helped you!
Colin
Good article Colin, now if we could get everybody to say what they think or what their judgment is about something instead of saying “I ‘feel’ that blah, blah, blah”, maybe folks would tune into their feelings, and their bodies, and own them, rather than check out with words.
Small moves, Ellie; small moves.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oB6NNbFHjCc
Good one Colin! That movie just happens to be one of my twin flame’s favorites and while doing her first breathwork session, she “went” to that same beach, sat with her father and talked…and I was sitting to her right and a little behind her. She said she turned and spoke these words to me, “Let go of the grief.”
Quite profound for the both of us.
YES> I feel very happy reading this here. 😉 Learning to speak for myself about what I’m feeling and experiencing has been powerful for me. Colin – grateful for your skill!
You know, like when you’re a really talented writer … people write nice things about you.
Thanks, brother! You really appreciate this, you know?
;^)
CB
“I’ve never won a Tour de France.”
One might say that Lance Armstrong has never really won the Tour de France either….
One (or *I*) might indeed. A different article on the same topic, I guess.
Thanks for the note.
CB
Nice work, Colin. I like it.
Thanks, Mark! —CB
Cornelius,
I think being vulnerable with others is the only way to really connect with them and move the society forward. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I’ve seen nothing but good come from it. And of course it’s your right to determine how open or closed you are in any situation — I’m not advocating spilling my guts to the next phone salesperson who calls.
Thanks for writing.
CB
Colin, thanks for holding the line with those who worry about “egotistical” when speaking as “I.” Your clarity — with Danny and with Cornelius — is what is needed in all authentic communication. Are you active in The Mankind Project? if not, the LA chapter would welcome you:
EMAIL: [email protected]
WEB SITE: http://losangeles.mkp.org
zigy
Zigy,
Thanks for the note. You’re right on the money. I joined MKP in 2004, up in Northern California. I served as Outreach Coordinator for MKPLA from 2010-1012.
Aho!
Colin
“I joined MKP in 2004, up in Northern California.”
great! come out to CO and help me MOS (I’m do the Kitchen King on many NWTA’s) at the end of the month (25-28 April). need men!
z
Is it possible we say “you” because English lacks a proper third person neuter pronoun? “One is bound to be sad” has a tad bit too much detachment, whereas “you” with its false familiarity tends to make it a little more personal. You seem to be suggesting that people should deny themselves that distance, making themselves vulnerable in the process. But is it really our place to demand vulnerability from others? When I say, “you’re bound to be sad” I’m acknowledging my feelings but also asserting my right to be somewhat emotionally closed to you. Perhaps that’s not appropriate if… Read more »
Concerning my feelings, I will try to articulate them but have found the best way to get my point across is with my fists. It has a way of ending idle chattering and everyone understand where I’m at with the ‘issue’. An added bonus is the fact that all women present instantly become excited by my display of manliness. As a result, I generally have my pick of the litter.Men, speak with your fists more often. It reduces any possible confusion or misconceptions. Another thing; It’s perfectly acceptable to blast a woman in the face. The former concept of chivalry… Read more »
Uh… ok.
I appreciate reading this and I will keep it in mind. May I offer another shift in speaking (which strikes me as being fairly similar)? Drop use of the word “just” in situations where it’s not needed. I find that use of the word “just” is an attempt to try to justify whatever has been stated, and in most cases it’s not necessary to explain yourself. For example: “I just wanted to tell you that… ” or “I’m just trying to help”. I find that by dropping the word “just” is more empowering. So to take the two examples: “I… Read more »
Eric,
It’s so interesting to me that in an era in which we can communicate in so many ways, that communication is so often as unclear as it ever was. In my men’s group we try to cut out the “a little bit” and “kind of” and talk very directly. It’s a specific context, and I don’t try to do all the time outside the group, but it definitely gets the man to recognize the feeling instead of downplaying it. Your mileage may vary.
Colin
Nice piece. As a New Englander who has lived in the Bay Area for almost 3 decades, I will say that I also think this is an East/West Coast phenomenon. Meaning that despite the cliche, people simply are more attuned to their emotions out here. I don’t think of it as selfish. I consider it enlightened. That’s just my personal opinion based on, well, a lot of observation!
Thanks, Laura! You may be on to something…
CB
But isn’t using “I” egotistical? No. It’s honest, clear, authentic, and powerful. It’s communication, not generalization. Embrace it. Are you saying that no it is not egotistical for a man to speak with “I”? The reason I ask this is because that is precisely what I get in return when I do (and I bet other men do too). Speak about oneself and and be told they are trying to make everything about them. It just seems like rather than leaving men be to speak up for themselves I get the impression that men are only allowed to speak up… Read more »
Danny,
It depends on the context: when a man is talking about HIS experience, using “I” makes it real for him and thus for the listener. And I do agree that everybody says “you” these days. I think we’ve sacrificed clarity with a faux-politeness that doesn’t really mean anything.
Colin