Michael Taylor Urges: “Now is the time to begin mentoring our young.”
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As I reflect back over my childhood in the inner city projects of Corpus Christi, Texas, I realize that there was one commonality amongst my three closest friends and I that unknowingly kept us together. Even though I didn’t recognize this when I was growing up, I can now clearly see how this one thing shaped our lives and created a bond amongst us that made us inseparable. If viewed from the outside, some people would assume that the commonality would be race or poverty or an environment of violence and alcoholism. Although these elements were present, it wasn’t the one thing that held us together.That one thing that brought us together and created an unbreakable bond with each other was the fact that most of us came from fatherless homes.
As a child, I do not remember speaking openly and honestly with my friends about why our fathers weren’t present. We just assumed that fathers were simply unavailable and we shouldn’t expect them to be there for us. I do however remember feeling a bit envious of kids who did have fathers around and there were specific times that I remember wishing my father was actively involved in my life. But rather than speak about and deal with the true sadness I felt about not having my father around, I created a surrogate masculine bond with my friends that in some ways filled the void left by not having my father around. My rationalization was that I didn’t need a father and as long as I had my friends I had all the male influence I needed. The reality was, my friends could not replace what I needed most.
What I truly needed was an adult father figure in my life who could guide me and model true authentic masculinity. A father who wasn’t afraid to break the status quo and would be willing to let go of antiquated ideas about what it meant to be a man, and, would encourage me to be vulnerable, sensitive and caring without being afraid that these qualities would somehow cause me to become weak and less of a man. I needed a father who could teach me how to truly love a woman and to surrender my heart to that woman and know that one woman is all I needed. A father who would insure that I would always respect and not objectify women and under no circumstances would I be allowed to hurt a woman physically, emotionally or psychologically. I needed a father who could teach me that material things really aren’t that important and at the same time teach me the importance of financial responsibility. I needed a father who would teach me the importance of taking care of my physical body and to never abuse foods, drugs or alcohol. I needed a father who would teach me the importance of setting goals and having dreams and to realize how important a positive attitude truly is. And last but not least, I needed a father who would lead by example and understand that his actions always speaks louder than his words so he would understand that I would be mirroring his actions and therefore he would act with integrity, honesty and conviction.
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It’s been said that you can’t give away something you don’t have and unfortunately, neither my friends nor I had any of these qualities or values. Therefore, I truly believe that I needed a father to instill these qualities and values in me. As I grew up and had children of my own, I made a conscious decision that I would be that type of father I mentioned and instill these qualities and values in my children. But how could I be that type of father if I didn’t have a father to teach me? How could I be a loving, caring and committed father if my father didn’t pass these traits on to me? According to some psychologists, when a child experiences traumatic childhoods they generally raise their children the same way. In most cases, the cycle of abuse continues and it is extremely difficult to break the cycle. But in some instances a person will do the exact opposite. In some cases they will break the cycle and learn how to be patient, attentive, supportive and nurturing. Somehow they are able to break free from the pain and abuse and provide environments for their children that allow them to grow up emotionally and psychologically healthy.
Fortunately for me I was able to break the cycle. Although I had no male role model to guide me, I simply chose to become a great father. To do this, I began reading books on early childhood development, I participated in parenting classes and seminars that helped me understand how to be a good father. I learned how to insure that I did not allow my fathers absence to negatively impact my relationships with my own children and I also spoke with fathers who I admired and respected and listened to their advice. I even used Bill Cosby’s character Dr. Huxtable from the Cosby Show as a role model for the father I wanted to become. As a result of my commitment to being a great father, I can say with absolute certainty that I broke the cycle of neglect and abuse. I do not claim to be perfect but I can say with no reservations that I am a great father and being a great father is one of my proudest accomplishments. Yes, I have made my fair share of mistakes but in the end I can say that I have absolutely no regrets of the job I’ve done as a father. I share my personal story as proof that no matter what situation you were raised in you can learn to be a great father. Our young men and women are starving for male guidance and the time has come for us as men to step up and provide them with the guidance they so desperately need. Our challenge as men is to break free from the antiquated paradigm of masculinity and to embrace some new ways of being and relating as men in today’s ever-changing world.
The time has come for us to commit to becoming mentors, role models and coaches that can guide our young people to live rewarding and fulfilling lives. If we truly want to see the eradication of social ills like high incarceration rates, high school dropouts, drug abuse, senseless acts of violence and countless other tragedies, we must begin supporting our young men and women in discovering their own uniqueness and potential and provide them with alternatives to the negative influences they encounter on a daily basis. When we make our young people top priority and provide them with the resources to discover who they really are, we begin laying the foundation for a world that works for everyone. I for one am committed to creating a world that works and I would like to enroll you in that vision with me. Together we can make it happen!
Happy National Mentoring Month! Celebrate by becoming a mentor today!
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**Editors note: Christopher “Flood The Drummer” Norris has curated all of these stories from the mentors in his community for a special a series on mentoring. After the series is complete all of the essays will be made into a book by TechbookOnline.
Source: TBO Inc®
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Photo: C. Norris