Joanna Schroeder wonders how to raise sensitive boys in a society that empowers them to abuse.
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Galit Breen, a mother of a teen daughter, wrote a beautiful essay called “Why I’m Not Raising a Good Girl” about the moment she realized she’d succeeded in teaching her daughter not to be afraid to take up space. Her daughter had a cut that was bleeding profusely, and needed medical care. In order to get the care she needed, she’d used her voice to assert her needs to both the school nurse and the doctor, even in the face of their doubt.
I felt empowered reading this. I don’t know how many times, especially when I was young, that I felt afraid to say what I needed. I could be mouthy, I could be ferocious, but often when it came to my needs, I thought, “No, I shouldn’t need that…” and just kept quiet.
I wanted to raise my own children to know that their needs mattered and that they never deserved to be harmed or made to feel uncomfortable. As my sons grew, I read a lot about teaching them consent: Both to ask for it from others, and to know that they deserve the human right that is giving consent on their own behalf. I even edited and co-wrote a wildly successful guide to teaching kids consent.
So when I read Ms. Breen’s essay about teaching her daughter to take up space, I thought a lot about why we need to teach girls to feel entitled to be loud sometimes, to take up space, and ask for what they need … but not boys. I thought about our history, as a society, of telling girls and women to be quiet, and pushing them to the background in nearly every field and domain. As many women will tell you, we were told to quiet down, speak in a polite voice, not walk too loud, not laugh too loud, not to be too funny, not to show off, and not to make boys feel like we’re smarter than they are.
I thought about my boys, two sensitive and caring creatures whom we are raising consciously, and wondered, what do they need to know? Are their voices always empowered and validated? That was when I realized that this gendered dynamic of boys being allowed to be the loud, funny leaders while girls are asked to step back isn’t a simple binary.
No, what we’ve seen emerge is something more complicated than girls being quiet and boys being loud, but I believe it still reflects the effects of patriarchy.
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The type of masculinity being cultivated and praised comes in a very traditional form marked by leadership skills, physical strength, and sexual prowess, for example. These are the qualities we nurture and reward in men—but not all men. We nurture these things in white, straight, cis-gendered, able-bodied, neurotypical dudes.
We tell Black boys that being Black is not okay by asking them to prove that they aren’t dangerous in ways we never ask white boys to do.
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In her HuffPost piece, Ms. Breen talked about teaching her daughter to be a good girl, which means conforming to what others want you to be, which is a heap of crap we need to rage against. But we’re not just telling that to our girls. We’re also telling that to our boys who don’t fit in The Man Box.
We tell our boys who fall outside the gender binary in even the tiniest of ways — playing with dolls, for instance — that this isn’t a good idea for them. Even if we’d be okay with them playing “like a girl,” we’re afraid of how society might harm them as a result, so we ask them to stop. We push trucks and dinosaurs at them, telling ourselves it’s for their own good.
We tell kids of color that they need to stop being so “ethnic” in many different ways, too. We try to whitewash cultures, eliminate accents, and ignore holidays that aren’t within the Judeo-Christian traditions (though Mayor DeBlasio is making efforts to correct that!).
We tell Black boys that being Black is not okay by asking them to prove that they aren’t dangerous in ways we never ask white boys to do. We ask them not to wear hoodies, not to sag their pants, not to listen to loud music, not to ever question a police officer’s “right” to slam them to the ground for not doing anything but walking. When white boys do the same things, we call it a rebellious phase or “boys will be boys.” When Black boys do it, we call it justification for murder. Of course, we do this to young women of color, too.
We also tell boys not to challenge the authority of “the pack” they’re in. As we’ve seen in Steubenville and similar cases, mob mentality often takes over, and boys who may be questioning the behavior of the pack don’t feel empowered to stand up against the loudest voices.
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But there are very real ways in which I want to combat a culture that entitles my (white) sons to take up more space, speak more loudly, be more brash than the girls and some other boys in our society. I don’t want my boys to feel entitled to other people’s space, so I regularly say the phrase, “Mind your space!” when they’re being pushy. I try to say it nicely when we’re out in public, so they don’t feel scolded. They know what I’m asking them to do: look up, look around at who is near them, and perhaps adjust their behavior so they won’t bother anybody else.
After all, bullies aren’t all boys and victims aren’t all girls.
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Yesterday, one of my sons was pretending to be a mime (don’t ask) in line at a coffee shop, and his miming was irritating his brother. In true sibling fashion, the moment one says he’s irritated, the other does the irritating thing more. This was causing them to back further and further into the line, toward a man minding his own business. I yelped, “Mind your space!” and they both looked up and moved away from him.
I’d like to say they stopped miming/complaining about miming, but they didn’t. I finally knelt down and explained that the people in the coffee shop aren’t at a playground or in our back yard. They are here to buy coffee, some of which is probably hot, and that we need to respect their space and the loudness level. I said, “Can you be good, please?” and then turned to order my drink.
This interaction, combined with having just read Ms. Breen’s post about not teaching her daughter to “be a good girl,” really made me wonder what rules of “goodness” we can impose upon all children, regardless of gender, that will help them make the world better, but won’t stifle their voices.
I don’t have a great answer to this. I wish I had a pithy 25 item list (maybe someday I will!) to include here. But what comes to mind right away – for all kids – are these basic tenets of goodness, that hopefully don’t lead to anybody’s voice being silenced or their identities being erased.
First, listen to the voice inside of you that wants to keep you safe. You deserve your safety, your bodily autonomy, and to pursue happiness in ways that don’t hurt anybody else.
Second, before you act, consider how the people around you will feel. You don’t always have to do what will make others happy, but you need to do your best not to cause harm or discomfort for other people. In essence, “Mind your space.”
Finally, understand that you are not more special than anyone else in the world. You are special. You are important. But you’re not more important than anybody else. You are loved, but you are not the center of the universe, so don’t act like you are entitled to anybody else’s space, time, or emotional energy. Touch, love, time, and energy are gifts that are given to us by people, and are never to be taken for granted.
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I believe these three lessons are ones we can teach all of our kids. After all, bullies aren’t all boys and victims aren’t all girls. It’s time all of our kids are taught how to balance empowerment with empathy.
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References:
The Healthy Sex Talk, Teaching Consent Ages 1-21 by Joanna Schroeder, Jamie Utt, Alyssa Royse and Julie Gillis
It Takes a Village to Raise These Rapists by Dr. Andrew Irwin-Smiler
Escape the “Act Like a Man Box” by Charlie Glickman, PhD.
Photo: iStock
So we should teach girls to take up space, but boys to suppress theirs? Boys need self confidence and to be taught to value themselves and that they are not lesser than girls.
Boys need to raised to stand up for themselves and understand that girls are not superior beings.
It’s interesting that the mods decided to delete my comment on the use of public space. I think it’s important to examine all the ways that public space is utilized by different people, but sometimes it feels that even on this site, if the conversation can’t be used to shame men, it’s not worth having.
I wonder how much you should tailor your nurture to their nature. Some guys are already quiet. Some guys are naturally noisy and take up space. We all should have manners and be respectful of those around us, but we can stifle our natures perpetually. There has to be an outlet for a boy’s energy. My mom’s living room born testament to the fights my older brother and I had; the holes in the wood paneling and drywall underneath. the dent’s in the metal grill of the heater, the chandeliers missing the glass ornaments. Still, we were both “bulls” and… Read more »
Great piece. When you say “mind your space,” we say, “360!” Which is our language for saying consider the context around you. This language can extend to even very subtle contexts but teaching kids to see the web of human relationships around them is huge.
I also believe that this culture is getting crazier by the minute. The leadership in this country is horrendous. I am not talking only the administration so please don’t go there. We’re all fighting each other that it’s no wonder that folks on the edge will fall over. The kids see this and in their immaturity see no hope, yet have no ability to express it any othwr way than a video game player kid would do. What do you expect the outcome to be?
Mark, I understand what you’re saying. You said “culture is getting crazier by the minute” yet there is no time in history that we’ve ever had so much information available to help parents with identifying issues as well as providing help with those issues. So, I have no clue as to what we as a society has to do.
I agree completely Tom and maybe what it boils down to is overall just shitty parenting. I’ve noticed that change over the years. Maybe they’re so inundated with info, maybe they got shitty parenting and simply just shut down due to overstimulation and easier to fall back on their experience as well as cultural memes. I think the Adrian Peterson fiasco is a good example. He got whooped as a kid and he does it to his kid. Toughened him up as a kid so he views his actions as toughening his kid up. Then he has a serious job… Read more »
I think you’re a good parent, Joanna. Raising amy kid to speak their piece yet leave others their space too. I think if there was one thing, perhaps for real masculinity, i would quotr teddy Roosevelt. Speak softly and carry a big stick. I had the privilege about 18 years ago to read my newspaper every night rocking in teddy’s chair on his porch in oyster bay, ny. The summer white house. Watching the sunset over long island sound. One of the best experiences of my life. Long story that i needn’t go into. I absorbed and thought much during… Read more »
Interesting read. I think one thing that’s going on now is the idea of what needs to happen to help girls and boys out when it comes to fighting the gender binaries. There is a very prevalent idea that in order to fix things we just need the magic bullet solution of teach girls to speak up and teach boys to listen. Teach girls to be strong, teach boys to soften up. Teach girls to take up space, teach boys that they aren’t entitled to so much space. That’s not going to work. We can’t just look at the gender… Read more »
Danny, it’s SO true … though I don’t think we’d say that many of those guys who commit the murder are neurotypical… Certainly Adam Lanza wasn’t, and neither was the Santa Barbara shooter… But there are MANY MANY MANY men who are neurodivergent who are not dangerous, of course. Definitely something is going wrong with those men, but I’m not totally sure that it’s all the same thing. Guys like Eric Harris and Dylan Kliebold, that one study about them proved they weren’t really loners who were bullied. But the SB shooter was. Who knows? They are VERY FAR from… Read more »
I’ll agree that nerurotypical wouldn’t come up but just about every other descriptor you mentioned would. Many more men commit suicide, become addicts, etc. That data would be interesting to look at instead. I believe it should all be looked at but as it stands there’s a bit of bias and favoritism. If a man kills himself its just written off as “he just used a more lethal method”. If a man kills a woman then it becomes time to have a deep in depth look at why he wanted to control women and so forth. In short I think… Read more »
Danny
Data on men that commit suicide is not ignored.
Try Google translate
I do not know how far this reasearch project have come, on why young men commit suicide in Norway..
But at least here they try to find out and I am sure they publish results. .
Mette L.Rasmussen and others….
http://forskning.no/forebyggende-helse-menneskekroppen-sykdommer-psykiske-lidelser/2014/01/skam-sinne-og-sarbarhet-bak
http://forskning.no/forebyggende-helse-menneskekroppen-sykdommer-psykiske-lidelser/2014/01/skam-sinne-og-sarbarhet-bak
http://www.psykologtidsskriftet.no/index.php?seks_id=418607&a=3
Brilliant! 🙂