Demonstrate love every day to assure relationship longevity.
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As a modern woman over the age of 40 who returned to the dating market after a long hiatus, it seems clear men and women have different expectations when it comes to love and commitment. I’m certainly not trying to speak on behalf of all women, nor will my definition of love and commitment apply to heterosexual-only relationships. These are simply guidelines for “showing up” for one another to make any relationship work, regardless of sexual orientation.
When I tell a man “I love you” and “I commit to you,” it means I’m “Your Person.” I’m here for you always, and in all ways. When you need me, for whatever, whenever … you don’t have to think twice or wonder if I’ll be there for you. I will be. No question, no worry. I’m in—all in.
The words “I love you” aren’t just words to me. I’ll back every single word up with action. You can watch me time and time again love my son, his friends, my friends and my family in this way. Love is a demonstration we should strive to demonstrate every day.
Everything I offer to my circle, I offer the same to you and your circle. Because that’s what love is. Love is family. Not a passing thought when it’s convenient. It’s us always and in all ways. We are together along with everyone with whom we share a life. You’re a package deal—as am I. We don’t live in a vacuum. I have a grown son who runs with a tribe of friends I claim as my own. We’re known as “Mama and the Boys.” I have three sisters who have families and a large network of friends. As my partner, you are welcomed as an integral part of my circle. In turn, I intend to be an essential part of your circle, not a peripheral “floater” you can insert at your leisure.
In order to have an enduring relationship, we both should feel completely comfortable in one another’s circles. Beyond comfortable, actually. I’ve been in a family where I was “tolerated,” and it’s not fun. I don’t want to live that kind of life, and I don’t expect you to either. Let’s instead, be in a network where we are celebrated.
Positive life lessons have furthered relationships:
- It’s refreshing to be with someone who is happy with themselves first.
- Even the most independent woman appreciates a gentleman who opens doors and treats her like a lady. (In most cases).
- It’s a beautiful thing to smile until your cheeks hurt and then get your halo dirty.
- Life is improved and more fun when you do smile.
- Experiencing intimacy with the lights on so we can see the way we make each other’s bodies quiver, our smiles (and other Brilliant expressions) is thrilling.
- Dancing is a blast—especially with someone you love (even when you’re not great at it).
- Taking dance lessons with a lover is one of the best relationship experiences.
- Let your needs be known—your partner can choose to meet you, or not.
- When discussing each other’s needs, everything is “figureoutable,”—or not.
- Having your own personal cheerleader, supporting you in every endeavor, is priceless.
- Even if you haven’t been “Lucky in Love” in the past, you can be lucky in love in the future
- If you don’t put time, attention and care into cultivating love—it dies.
- The same word can mean different things to different people; tone makes a difference and discussion is sometimes necessary for complete understanding.
- Things are nice to have. But in the end, they are just things, not experiences. They will not keep you warm at night. You can’t call them at 1:00 a.m. for a ride home. They won’t offer you a hug.
- You can give without expectation. However, when the other person doesn’t appreciate the gesture, or give in return—especially when they are directly asked—resentment builds.
- If you’re not comfortable with yourself, you’ll never be comfortable with someone who is. If you are insecure, you’ll project insecurity onto your partner and it will cause unnecessary resentment, accusations and mistrust.
- If we share ourselves wholly and fully, I expect us to share thoughts, possessions (if we are living together), responsibilities and expenses. It means being vulnerable with our innermost being—confiding whims that may be scary and taking risks with our hearts and homes.
It’s a tall order, sure, but the reward from demonstrating love is far greater than any risk you may perceive.
Photo credit: Getty Images
Don’t pay it too much mind. That’s just me killing a fly with a nuclear weapon. I spent far to much time on the front lines of the father’s rights battle, and tend to dig out talking points that should take only a line or two to address as minor points….and then club them to death. I’m still learning how to write well, with the appropriate tone for such discussion. I do so hastily when making comments. When I go back later and read them in the context of replies they read a bit more spirited then intended. They should… Read more »
Thanks for the clarity, DJ. I appreciate it.
Glad you enjoyed the read, but please don’t give me any credit for having any expertise (on this matter anyway). It’s a totally new experience for me and I’m learning as I go. And you’re right, It is scary as hell venturing out there again—especially after I swore I never would. I quite enjoyed the single life. It took a very special person to get me out of my private oasis.
I wasn’t sure what I’d find when I followed the link, but I was happy to read your list. Speaking as a late-50s man, I want to add one point to the list – or at least to my list. If I tell you that I love you and am committed to you, it means first and foremost *you.* Not your family, not your circle, not your domestic or professional ecosphere. *You.* I expect the same from you, ladies. I don’t believe that you find “the one.” I do believe that you can make someone with whom you’re basically compatible… Read more »
Jack — thank you for your thoughtful reply and bringing in the male perspective. I agree with you that the commitment first and foremost is with my partner. I’ve been having some discussion around how much farther that commitment should go outside of that in terms of our “circles.” More specifically, with family and friends. My partner would say, “They (family members) are not in the relationship.” While I agree to a certain extent, I disagree as well, as this was a point of contention in my marriage (which ended many, many moons ago). I’m seriously considering conducting a research… Read more »
I understand how it can be desired that your relationship contain just the two of you…..at times yes it will. But, no one comes to any situation or place in life completely alone, at least most of the time. We are all a package deal. These entities make up the totality of our being and our existence in this world. Can the two within the relationship create boundaries, yes and they should, to insulate from too many outside forces. Nevertheless, those entities shouldn’t automatically be assumed to be intrusive or “bad”, nor should they be allowed to be. No man/woman… Read more »
Thank you for your comments NowIsee. We are on the same page regarding the “package deal.” You also make a great point about automatically assuming outside forces to be negative or bad. I think we sometimes jump to those conclusions and that’s not fair. Also, you’re right in that we don’t have to “allow” them to be. Excellent! I wholeheartedly agree that “it takes a village,” especially with today’s “sandwich generation” that is often responsible for raising children and taking care of aging parents at the same time. I was a single mom and the primary caregiver for my parents… Read more »
“I’m certainly not trying to speak on behalf of all women, ” No, but do you see that you are trying to speak for every man? Case in point is the following: “Even the most independent woman appreciates a gentleman who opens doors and treats her like a lady. (In most cases).” Do you not see that we continue to pigeonhole men into such roles of servitude to women as a means of bolstering female ego? It is akin to a male laying out sexist rules for women such that we “like” (which really means expect) that women get home… Read more »
Let me expand a bit here. We are in transition. Everything is on the table and all the nerves are exposed. Every little detail will be rationalized, debated, critiqued. That is no different then when women sought the changes not only in themselves, but the world around them. There was a time when the very thing you ask, the very thing that I critiqued was seen as detrimental, patronizing, and insulting to women. It was chauvinistic oppression to them…and it was in the summer of 82 that it whacked me in the face. Going into a club I moved forward,… Read more »
I’m sorry DJ, didn’t mean to strike a nerve, or speak for all women (or men for that matter). The comment about opening doors was important for ME because honestly, until recently, no one had done it for me consistently. I’ll be 45 in a couple of weeks. The first few times it happened, I have to be honest—it made me very uncomfortable. I’m used to being very independent and self-sufficient. So, when my date started as you say, “serving” me in that way, it freaked me out a bit, and it had nothing to do with my ego. At… Read more »
Reply posted out of order. I think this board system hates me!