Peter Kirby-Harris shares a personal experience of moving in with friends, and lists the three main benefits of living with your guys.
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A recently single friend of mine has recently moved in with me and my current friend and flatmate. He is a little apprehensive in living in a ‘bachelor pad’ (his words) having cohabited for most of the past decade, so I’m using this article as both a mini-manifesto of the bachelor lifestyle as well as explaining the positive effects all male households can bring to men dealing with heartbreak, isolation and attempting to restart their social and love lives. If he’s reading this I hope this also can serve as a welcome note.
Firstly, the more men living together the more fun if you are friends. There will always be someone around for a chat in the evening, a trip down the pub, nights out on the town or for the mundane tasks like cooking, cleaning, listening to music while reading or doing some glorious nothing. Plus, the mutual tasks can be delegated such as cleaning, amenity shopping and hoovering — many hands make light work. Plus it’s always easier to ask a friend to do a favour rather than someone who is solely a flatmate and it’s nice to greet or be greeted at the door.
A bachelor pad doesn’t mean an animal house. My current flatmate and I are somewhat domesticated, but we are helped by the latest technology such as a Dishwasher and a Dyson as well as the employment of a housekeeper. What can I say, we live well. Yes, we do have standards but we don’t have to clean up immediately after post-party wind down drinks. Some tasks are supposed to be left until the morning. And we do feel guilty and have tidying sessions at least twice a month.
There are three things that men can really appreciate together.
- Banter — always hard to get it right in social circumstances as some topics, while hilarious to you and yours, are bound to cause offence to people not in the know. But an all male household can establish what is acceptable for the outside and what sort of crude humour should be left at home for later.
- Cooking and eating together — for men who like to cook, and luckily for us three we are all vegetarians and quite health conscious for guys in their early thirties, this creates a common area of interest. Also cooking for each other for a few nights after work is a time to relax and unwind, often with a drink or two.
- Support — both emotional and social. Men can take a while to open up to even their friends (such is our social conditioning) so establishing a lasting bond through living together can help speed up the process. In a few months of living together we will know all the ins and outs, highs and lows of each other’s lives, and we may even get to witness some of them first hand. Providing support for friends in crisis is something many men struggle with as it goes against childhood programming of suck it up, be a man, don’t cry etc…. establishing a safe environment for emotional bonding can be crucial for dealing with traumatic events in the recent past. Relaxing together in a shared space creates an informality through which jovial ribbing can lead to large announcements. We have had a few such moments already and we anticipate some more.
Other groups of guys may have their own areas of interest where male bonding can occur be it around films, sports, going to the gym, take your pick…..
So, can there be a bachelor manifesto, a rules of the game? Not unless you count the ground rules — respective for your fellow human, particular attention to those who live with, don’t push things on new people, and try to incorporate the new person into the group dynamic – better yet, end the previous dynamic and build a new one. You don’t have to hang out all the time, but mutual interests should be explored. Housemates after should be mates first, co-tenants second. Evenings in together can become just as good as going out, and getting more people over provides an alternative to the pub and bar scene. Film night takes on a new meaning with an extra opinion as to what should be watched. A democracy of three can begin to operate (often though the guy with the cheesiest tastes ends up ever so slightly excluded, except for ironic 80’s sci-fi movie night that is) providing consensus can be accepted. Often, one or two of us will be in no mood to make a decision, often through exhaustion, resulting in a decision by default from the last man standing.
But most of all it provides a fun space. Some choose to live on their own, others end up living on their own. If you are in the latter category then there is always time to change.
Photo credit: Simon/flickr