Iraq War veteran Michael Anthony believes women should challenge men, not coddle them.
—-
Across the web, there seems to be a growing trend of people claiming that women need to take it easier on men, that they should give us a break. And although I believe it shows great initiative, I believe it couldn’t be further from the truth. From what I’ve seen and know of men, we don’t need women to give us a break or take it easy on us. We need the exact opposite. We need women to call us out. To push us to be better. Greater. Demand us to be something more.
“Men don’t need women that understand us—because we’re often talking out of our asses—we need women that challenge us, that demand more from us than we ever thought possible.”
|
I’m reminded of an old story of Bill and Hillary Clinton. The story goes as such: One day young President Clinton and the First Lady were riding a limousine through Hillary’s hometown of Chicago. The driver of their car stopped for gas and the First Lady realized that the gas station was owned by an old boyfriend. Hearing this, the President responded, “Just imagine where you’d be if you’d stayed with that guy,” and without blinking an eye the First Lady replied back, “If I was with him … I’d still be married to the President of the United States.”
Granted, I understand that problems between the sexes can’t be ground into a brief quip or anecdote. But here’s my question. Do you think Hillary ever took it easy on Bill? Well … okay, maybe in a certain sticky situation, or two. But you get the point. Men and women can only become great if we’ve got people pushing us, not taking it easy on us. If a man isn’t communicating well, or is having problems in a relationship, then don’t just toss it up to a problem of the sexes. Tell him instead that you demand and expect more from him. That you know he’s capable of more, of better. We’re all different, yeah, but that doesn’t mean we should accept without question second-rate behavior.
Neither my girlfriend nor I are perfect, but we are constantly demanding more from each other. Not because we’re anal-retentive nut-jobs, but because we believe, and know, that the other is always capable of more. If I’m talking out of my ass (as I do from time to time) my girlfriend doesn’t count-to-ten, and then listen to my point of view. Instead, she’ll call me out. If I’m saying something stupid, or illogical, she might respond with, “You’re better than that reaction, Michael.” It’s not a stick or stab at my masculinity, it’s a challenge. She doesn’t look at me as a man who’s been wounded by society, she looks at me as a man who needs to be challenged. Men don’t need women that understand us—because we’re often talking out of our asses—we need women that challenge us, that demand more from us than we ever thought possible.
“Demand more for us, challenge us, and you just might be surprised with what we deliver!”
|
In the military there are several levels of training. You’ve got basic training, which all soldiers go through. The training is tough, but there’s only a fallout rate of about twenty percent. The level after basic training might be something like Ranger school, or Marine recon depending on your branch of service. Ranger training and Marine recon both have fallout rates of about eighty-five percent. Next up would be special ops like army Special Forces or Navy SEAL’s. These guys have a fallout rate of ninety-five percent or higher—and a lot of those are guys who’ve already been through Ranger training and Marine recon. These are the top level, badass, catch Bin Laden, type guys.
The reason I bring this up is because the military is all about challenge. The military challenges us to be better men, better soldiers. They challenge us to live on four hours of sleep a night, with only eight hundred calories a day. They challenge us because we need to be challenged. The current U.S. military is the greatest and most powerful military the world has ever known. This isn’t because we take it easy on one another, it’s because we demand more from one another. We know what we’re capable of and we push each other to reach those capabilities. Being in the military isn’t easy and that’s the point!
What do you think a Navy SEAL-level relationship would look like? What would it take to get to that point in a relationship?
The articles across the web on this issue seem to speak to something deeper than just a surface-level ‘battle of the sexes.’ They go into the culture of masculinity and the society of the sexes. And although I believe there are valid points to the argument that we should take it easy on one another, I disagree with the notion that it should be the norm. Instead, I believe that men simply aren’t challenged enough in healthy ways.
Women have two options when it comes to men, they can either be like Hillary (forget politics for a moment, and just use it as a cute anecdote) and challenge their man, or they can take it easy and pump gas alongside them. Demand more for us, challenge us, and you just might be surprised with what we deliver!
More articles you might enjoy:
Why the Lulu App Could Be the Best Thing to Ever Happen to Men
–Photo: mirandaraymondphotography/Flickr
This article grabbed my attention and started out great….but when you started using the military analogies you lost me. I just could not relate and stopped reading.
Wasn’t this article directed at women?
I’m going to challenge you on this statement: “The current U.S. military is the greatest and most powerful military the world has ever known.”
How can you possibly know this? Has *ever* known? It may perhaps be the greatest and most powerful military currently operating, but hardly the greatest/most powerful ever known. Roman armies, the armies of Alexander the Great, or Genghis Khan…. Just because the US military hasn’t been defeated yet doesn’t mean it won’t be one day, if history is any indication.
I know you aren’t trying sum everything up with that Clinton conversation but frankly that didn’t sound like Hilary was challenging Bill. That sounded like she was telling him SHE is the reason he became president and without her Bill wouldn’t have been able to do it. (Let’s be honest if a man were to say that about a woman the response would be very different.) She doesn’t look at me as a man who’s been wounded by society, she looks at me as a man who needs to be challenged. Why can’t she look at you as both, while… Read more »
Personally I’m struggling on several levels with the Hillary anecdote. That being said, in part, I am the person I am today because of the support of my wife but as she has influenced who I am, my own dad played a major role in who I am as well. But as you know as a military man, the challenges are within you, be the best you can be. If that motivation isn’t within you, in your core being, you wouldn’t have put yourself into that environment in the first place. As much credits my wife and dad deserves and… Read more »
There is a difference between challenging someone to get better and expecting immediate results with consequences and assisting someone to get better and being patient while they get there. I think that is the essence of giving someone a break. I think if there is enough good in a person for you to go out with them, the you better do this or else approach is not the right way to go. If not, you shouldn’t be with that person. Too much to change and life’s too short.
Women don’t challenge men already? I’d argue that more men need to stand up to/challenge women, especially as the gender debate continues to evolve.
I noticed you didn’t specify any examples.
If my girlfriend has a better idea on doing something useful, like making money, then I’d gladly accept her point of view.
How much of “calling out” is over something useful, and how much of it is something social like “You’re being mean!” Think about it.
At the end of the day of most of what women criticize about men is something irrelevant/emotional. Before telling guys to improve, they should first work on controlling their own feelings.
First off, let me say thank you for your service to our country( I have a son currently in Afghanistan). That being said however, I must say I’m 180 degrees from you on this. My wife of 38 years has always been there to support me and to help me ‘heal up’, both physically and mentally. I have no problem physically motivating myself and am a firm believer that there’s no dishonor if you die trying, so perhaps that’s why I don’t see the need to have a D.I. for a partner. I do realize that what works for me… Read more »
“Ranger training and Marine recon both have fallout rates of about eighty-five percent. Next up would be special ops like army Special Forces or Navy SEAL’s. These guys have a fallout rate of ninety-five percent or higher—and a lot of those are guys who’ve already been through Ranger training and Marine recon. ” Michael, As you point out, even the vast majority of men who would LIKE to be up to the challenge of Special Forces or Navy Seal type of hardship and stress crumble under the duress. I agree that men and women grow by challenging each other in… Read more »
What do you call a man who you challenge or make demands of? GONE.
I think the wording here sounds too confrontational. There are times when confrontation is necessary, but most of the time it calls for ASSERTIVE communication which you don’t describe here. We should be expecting more from all of us, but we don’t get there by being confrontational. That tends to provoke conflict. You have a better chance at changing minds and behaviour by voicing concerns while respecting the other person. Maybe this all sounds like coddling to you because of your military background? You know better than I possibly could how training is designed to inure you to stress –… Read more »
“Tell him instead that you demand and expect more from him.” O.K., so I should have a demanding girlfriend or wife. Sounds like fun.
Hi Michael, great article. I too look forward to the comments. And for the record, I have no hesitation to call out bad behavior from my man. I believe a good woman sets the bar for her man to rise to the occasion and a good man sets the bar for his woman to rise to the occasion. My 3 articles were to help us all stop pointing fingers at the “other” as wrong and instead take a look from the other side. Love your points and agree! Nicely done.
Nice. I had an issue lately with a male housemate where I challenged him and how he has decided not to like me or be a mate anymore. That one didn’t work out. sigh
Reminds me of this: “For a woman qua woman, the essence of femininity is hero-worship—the desire to look up to man. “To look up” does not mean dependence, obedience or anything implying inferiority. It means an intense kind of admiration; and admiration is an emotion that can be experienced only by a person of strong character and independent value-judgments. A “clinging vine” type of woman is not an admirer, but an exploiter of men. Hero-worship is a demanding virtue: a woman has to be worthy of it and of the hero she worships. Intellectually and morally, i.e., as a human… Read more »
I think you missed the point, Michael. What I got from the two most recent ‘cut us men some slack’ articles was the suggestion that men, for whatever nature and nurture reason, communicate and convey emotions differently than women. And that women should bear this in mind at times of such communiction. I don’t think the article by Tamara Star, for example, was advising women to count to 10 every time a man says a dumb thing. Your article is directed at communication between two people, at times and places when those differences are not in play. Challenging someone to… Read more »
Thank you @CW and thank you for the shout out. You nailed it and I appreciate that you got what I hoped people would get. Virtual high five. Compassion for our differences, not excuses or allowing bad behavior for either sex.
Only half of a communication is how the other person conveys its emotions. The rest of the work is done by the person who listens. and I think everyone has been listening to men and women differently, causing a self-serving difference,.
Hi Michael
I look forward to read the comments to this article.