Negative stereotyping breeds negative behavior. And a lot of stereotypes about little boys are negative.
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Boys. Little boys get bad press. They’re noisy, physical, aggressive and constantly covered in mud. If it doesn’t have wings or wheels or shoot stuff boys don’t want to play with it and they can turn anything into a pretend gun or sword. Boys are raucous. Boys are academically inferior to girls. Boys can’t express their emotions. Boys can’t listen as well as girls.
As a society we’re getting wise to the fact that the messages we’re giving our girls are detrimental but we also need to realize how much we damage our boys with our negative stereotypes of little males.
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The stereotypes about boys don’t mention the words sensitive, caring, affectionate or nurturing. Most stereotypes about little boys are negative but thankfully we mothers of boys know that they are so much more than their stereotypes.
As a society we’re getting wise to the fact that the messages we’re giving our girls are detrimental but we also need to realize how much we damage our boys with our negative stereotypes of little males. Negative stereotyping breeds negative behavior.
I have three sons. No daughters. Three beautiful little boys. When I was pregnant the second time, most comments centered on gender. I heard, “I bet you’re hoping for a little girl this time” more times than I care to talk about.
During my third pregnancy I was inundated with talk about how this baby would be a girl. And once he was born, I had comments like, “Ah, another boy is also okay”, as if it wasn’t. And, “Will you try now for a girl?” as if we’d somehow failed again. It took all my will power not to smack well-meaning strangers around the head with my son’s Spiderman action figure.
The truth is I couldn’t be happier with my lot. Boys are wonderful. My sons give me the chance to smash the stereotype heaped upon them into smithereens. Negative stereotypes give me a platform to work on, they provide a challenge, an anti-model for raising boys if you like. Boys, just like girls, are all different and as a society we need to stop forcing standard male behavior rules on them.
I accept wholeheartedly the battle to fend off the stereotypes about boys. I want my sons to understand that they have choices, if they are willing to go against the tide, that clash with expectations people will have of them. These days it takes a strong male to dare to be himself.
I will not let raising boys be about wearing the right or wrong color, or playing with the wrong or right toys.
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I am teaching my children to pursue what truly interests them, their passions; not to have hobbies they feel they should have because other boys in their class are shouting loudly about it. Because they are the things that boys do.
I want them to search for what drives them. I will not let raising boys be about wearing the right or wrong color, or playing with the wrong or right toys. Raising them is not about an image they are expected to project as boys, nor about meeting the expectations of those around us. My parenting goal is to encourage my sons be themselves, to ensure they follow their own path, and not a route that is an easier and more peaceful path to take because it is one that males are expected to take.
I want male stereotypes to leave them unscathed. I want stereotypes to play no role in our home now or in their future home. I know first hand that stereotype male roles in life, be it in the workplace or in the home, are learned.
There’s a lot of pressure out there on boys to be boys, the kind of boys you actually only find in stereotypes.
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Fifteen years ago, not long after I first arrived in the Netherlands, I remember sitting in my mother-in-law’s front room rather bemused watching her iron my husband-to-be’s police uniform. We were randomly chatting about nothing in particular in our best stilted Dutch and English when she suddenly looked up and smiled over at me.
“This will be your job soon, when you move into your own home together,” she remarked.
“No, it will be your son’s job soon. Like it should be now,” I answered.
Stereotypes are passed down from generation to generation. Gender attitudes are reinforced by passive acceptation. Boys learn early on in life what they should and shouldn’t like to fit in with their peers. They learn quickly, and often painfully, what is expected of them from their classmates and teachers, from parents and extended family, from the media, from society as a whole.
There’s a lot of pressure out there on boys to be boys, the kind of boys you actually only find in stereotypes. There is pressure to be aggressive, to be naughty, to be noisy, to not stick out academically in school. There’s pressure on boys, just as there is on girls, to fit in, not to go against the grain. So there’s pressure on my husband and me to help our sons define themselves as boys in their own way; to help them understand that they don’t need society’s mold.
I consider our job well done if our sons think for themselves, and stay true to their own beliefs and interests. Our job will be done if our sons stand up for themselves and feel free to be themselves, even if it means standing out from the crowd. Our job will be done if our three boys leave home without the concept that certain jobs are for women, and others are for men. My job will be done when they don’t see their gender as a barrier, or an advantage – when they know that it’s not about women’s or men’s places in the world but about finding their own place in the world.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
I have long said that the only women in the world who truly understand men are mothers of sons. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with yours.
Oh thank you! What a lovely thing to say – and I agree. Parenting boys certainly helps break down stereotypes I think. Having three boys is wonderful!
I had to read this a few times. You’re saying that it’s moms with sons who understand better then moms without sons … right?
I think there’s some merit to her point as you see it Tom. Those without children, make or female children, can’t possibly completely relate. They can to a general idea of children but not specifically by sex. I am fortunate having two boys and a girl. I can see both and changed my views by doing so. I raised my boys like a version of me, as my two boys were first, and when I had my daughter realized she was no different in what she wanted for her life. So to all I imparted a hope for them to… Read more »
I think that if you are raising (or teaching, caring for) sons then you are well positioned to see that boys, in many cases, don’t meet up to the stereotype expectations placed on them at an early age. We should be raising children as little humans, with individual temperaments, emotions, wishes and dreams and not assume that our gender determines how we behave or want we want. If you are not raising boys I imagine you don’t really think about it in the same way or to the same degree.
I applaud you, but I fear you are a candle in a hurricane here. Too many people (women especially) have the mind-set that only girls and women have problems; boys? they are problems.
Boy. I’ll bet your mom in law was spinning at that one. How’d that play out in the end? But I agree with your vision for both boys and girls. You’re raising little humans here not caricatures.
Exactly – children shouldn’t grow up thinking boys do this but girls don’t, and the other way around.
Fifteen years on my husband does his own ironing – that’s how that played out 🙂
I’m 60 years old and I have ALWAYS done my own ironing. My dad made sure my brothers and I were totally self sufficient. Some of that also fell upon my mother who made sure that as soon as we were tall enough to reach the kitchen sink, we did dishes. Family chores were expected to be done. That was the old days when we weren’t all hung up on gender roles. Mom and dad rules the house. I’m as handy with a hammer in my hand as I am a vacuum. “not my job” was never in our vocabulary… Read more »
What if they want to do or be some of the things traditional men do and are? Will that be allowed?
Of course. It’s about ensuring that they don’t feel like they HAVE to behave in a certain way, but behave in a way that fits with who they are. My sons have the ability to switch from baking play dough cakes to reenacting a Star Wars lightsaber fight in 30 seconds. They do what comes naturally to them, and I want to make sure it stays that way.