A lonely night, temptations rise, you text her. You’ve slept with your ex AGAIN. Intimacy Expert Allana Pratt breaks down the good, the bad and the ugly…
Question: My ex and I still sleep together. Do you think that will cause problems in the long run?
Answer: I imagine the only reason you’re asking is that something is off, something is going array, some still small voice is speaking to you.
I believe the reason my clients (and radio show guests… and even this owner of a furniture stores wh0 invited me in the back for coffee to tell me about his wife he met when he was 13 ) tell me things they haven’t told anyone else… is that I am a safe harbor, a sanctuary of non judgment, a space of unconditional love, ESPECIALLY around sex and intimacy.
I say that because honestly, who am I to tell you what to do? Yet having guided people into more joy, freedom and fulfillment around sex, intimacy, relationships and loving their body for almost 20 yrs, I have discovered some key principles that will help you discern your best choice.
The Good: Sex is awesome. Sex is healthy. Sex is great for reducing stress, creating connection, feel good hormones, full self expression and it just feels amazing. So from this perspective there’s no issue having sex with someone who respects you, honors you, is grateful for you and of course is safe. Ask yourself, “Would having sex with them uplift my life?”
The Bad: Sex can be used as a manipulation, as a way to avoid dealing with painful feelings, as a way to act only on chemistry not overall asking if this interaction would be a contribution to your life, and it can betray agreements of monogamy. In this case the question to ask is, “Is having sex with this person a win (you) win (her) win (life) for all?” If the answer isn’t yes across the board, eventually something is going to bite your ass.
The Ugly: Truly manifesting your dreams requires courage, discomfort, delaying gratification and moving forward despite challenging circumstances. You can’t stay in the past and expect to be potent in the present and able to actualize a badass future. Thus this behavior might actually be sabotaging your dream of a hot healthy intimate relationship that truly fulfills you. To me, giving up on our dreams is abandoning our soul. Ultimately I don’t even care if I achieve my dreams. However I can’t look myself in the eye if I never gave it my best. Thus the question to ask is “Would having sex with my ex fuel or dilute the success of my mission?” Only your heart will know.
Thus do I think sleeping with your ex will cause problems in the long run? If your commitment is to have a relationship that works, and it didn’t work with your ex, then cutting the ties, ending the hook ups, sitting in the fire of discomfort of being alone and taking proactive steps in the direction of your desires is a most effective prescription for success. Or you and your ex take proactive steps to heal what’s not working, forgive the past, build a solid foundation of honor and communication. Then get back together, create an inspiring future and &$%# like rabbits! xox
If you are caught in an unhealthy pattern that is sabotaging the chances of you having the deep profound hot intimate relationship you truly know is possible, AND if you’re willing to look it in the eye and change it because your commitment is bigger than your circumstances, my complementary report and video series is key.
You will feel honored and inspired to be the noble badass you are. Deliciously, Allana xox www.GetHerToSayYes.com
Looking for a relationship? The Good Men Project promises to have a really good one with your inbox. Sign up for our daily or weekly newsletter here.
Photo: www.Flickr.com Ekaterina