A guy who was dumped after his girlfriend blacked out wants Eli and Josie’s help in figuring out what is going on with her.
Originally appeared at She Said He Said
Dear Sexes: I dated my gf 10 months and suddenly she breaks it off. It stemmed from us getting drunk and it bothered her that she blacked out. She left for a week and ultimately said that night opened her mind to the relationship and that for 10 months she saw signs that we were not to be, and that she loved me like a brother. BS because a week prior we were intimate and for 10 months she was happy, there was a twinkle in her eye, we made future plans, I don’t know what to think. I love her!!
She Said: First, let me say that I’m so sorry for your heartbreak. Sometimes it feels like we could die from loving someone who doesn’t want to be with us. Fortunately, you will not die from this. You can recover. It takes some time, but you can do it.
Here’s how I see this situation. You guys got drunk and she blacked out and this freaked her out. It should freak her out. Blacking out from being drunk is a sign that your drinking has well passed “normal” and gone into “dangerous”. Black-out drinking is horrible for your body, bad for your psychology and plain old stupid. She is damn right to be bothered by it.
If she’s dumping you over it, my guess is that the two of you party a lot together and she wants to stop or at least greatly slow down her drinking. For some reason, she feels she cannot do this with you. The important question to ask yourself here is why.
Is it because you party to excess too, and that’s all you guys do together? Is it because for some reason she feels she needs to get far away from that lifestyle in order to get her life to a point where she feels better about her habits? Or does she not trust you for some reason, relating to this incident?
These are important things to know, and if she will answer them for you, at the very least you can take this opportunity to figure out if you have ways in which you need to grow. At the best, perhaps you can explain to her that you want her to be happy and healthy, and that you’ll help her get to wherever she needs to go.
I think the part about feeling like you’re a brother has less to do with whether you two had a good sex life before the black-out, and more to do with the fact that she just doesn’t want to be in that relationship with you, but loves you very dearly. That’s a good thing, and you can be happy about that.
And it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve done anything wrong. Perhaps this has nothing to do with you. People change and they grow apart. This is your opportunity to grow—either with her or on your own.
He Said: First off, I’m truly sorry for your pain. But we’re here to help you, and we’ll do our very best. Now let’s get down to business. It doesn’t get much more “she said he said” than this. She says it’s not meant to be, but you say she still has that twinkle in her eye.
Regardless of what may or may not be in her eye, getting through this constructively (for everyone involved) is going to come down to hearing her. If you love your (ex)girlfriend (and know her fairly well after 10 months of dating), why do you doubt her motivations/feelings/reasons for breaking up with you? Do you have a good reason to NOT take her at her word? Maybe you don’t believe her, because you don’t like what you’re hearing?
If you’re confused about how and why the relationship has come to an end, you certainly deserve an attempt at clarity (a conversation), and your (ex)girlfriend will most likely oblige you (it seems clear, she cares about you deeply as a friend).
Ultimately, you can’t make someone feel something they don’t feel on their own. Maybe she got freaked out, because she blacked out. Excessive drinking is dangerous, and blacking out should be scary. Maybe she didn’t like drinking so heavily with you. Maybe she didn’t like the reasons for her actions. Or maybe she just felt she couldn’t NOT drink with you. The two of you can uncover the real answers here, but it requires a conversation. And that conversation requires you (both) to listen honestly, whether or not you like the things you hear.
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