My Wife Is My Best Friend… Now, How Do I Make Her My Lover?

Eli and Josie help a man turn his friendship-based marriage into one of passion and desire.

Dear Sexes: How do you cross the bridge from your wife as your best friend to your wife as lover? If you have been with this person all day as your partner in life and the daily work of living, how do you suddenly switch?

She Said: If we could solve this, we could save probably 50% of the marriages that end! Our society teaches us to value novelty and drama over commitment and peace. Without the drama, I think a lot of us think there isn’t enough excitement to constitute “love”…

In truth, a deeper and more intimate love can come from peace, and that peace often comes from having your partner as your best friend. But sometimes, when that transition happens, that buddy-ness can be sort of a boner killer.

I think a solution to this is a little objectification. Yes, objectification! By that, I mean, you love your wife as a whole, her humanity and her soul as well as her body. And sometimes you probably have deep lust for all that humanity and intellect. But sometimes you just want a body. Now, I am making this suggestion for you because of the love and friendship you have for your wife, thinking that maybe you need to nurture some fantasies just about her body. I wouldn’t make this recommendation to a newly united couple or a couple that is struggling with profound problems.

Try to think just about your favorite part of her body. If that’s her pretty fingers, think about them wrapping around your penis or clasping your hands during sex. If it’s her mouth, think about the way it changes when she’s having an orgasm. Focus on those things and let the rest of her slip away from your mind for a moment.

I probably don’t have to tell you this, but just to be clear, this doesn’t mean that you leave behind compassion, communication, respect and love. It just means that you allow a fantasy that is purely sexual to develop… and you nudge it along by being mindful and conscious of your fantasies, and by guiding them a little bit.

He Said: Your wife can be your friend AND your lover!

Having said that, your best chance at having a successful friendship AND romance with your wife may be to compartmentalize each entity completely (at least, for now, so you easily hit “the switch”).

Your wife and you should (re)experiment with your sexy sides. Invest in some candles (for her) and perhaps some lingerie (something you can both enjoy). Romance her! Maybe that means cooking her dinner, or giving her a full body massage with sensual oils. Or even something as simple as a date-night out—just the two of you.

And lastly, work hard at the romance, but remember—you don’t always have to make love, when you make love. Sometimes you’ve just got to have great sex. Don’t be afraid to try something different. Find a new place to get it on—a kitchen counter, the backseat of a car, a hotel, etc…). And vary the way in which you have sex. It’s fine if you have to schedule your sessions, but it’s just as good (perhaps even better) if you have some unscheduled bump & grinding. And never underestimate the power of a steamy quickie!  Good luck, play hard, get busy!

Do you have a question for Eli and Josie? Ask it here!


Originally appeared at She Said He Said


Photo: Flickr/Guudmorning!

About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so was born.


  1. There are basically two different models for being, and being with, a lover. In one, you go down to the basement. In the other, you go up to the penthouse.

    In the basement, you get in touch with what Freud called the ID – the animal within, the shadow, the place where the wild things live.

    In the penthouse, sex becomes and avenue to and expression of, the divine – the mystical union of esoterica.

    Both states are very much removed from everyday “friend” consciousness.

    If you and your partner can both talk about this stuff, and decide where you want to go (penthouse or basement) and what that would look like to please and satisfy you both, you can get out of the friend zone.

  2. hereismyname says:

    You know what is also great? Having your husband help out around the house. It’s so great to have him do the dishes, take out the trash, help get the kids ready for bed, etc without you having to ask. When a wife is less exhausted, she will be more in the mood to get busy later. It really is a turn on to when a guy does these types of things.

  3. Umm… if she’s not your lover, why did you marry her? Or if she’s no longer your lover, why is she still your wife?

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      Because marriage is long and life is bumpy.

      If you want a marriage where you never have a lack of desire for your partner (or vise versa), I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find that. For the rest of us, sometimes we need an assist.

      • Lack of desire for your partner doesn’t really become an issue until there’s also a lack of communication and interest in trying to solve the problem.

        However, IME, more often than not the first lead to the other two.

  4. Do not cook her dinner or give her a massage. That is not seduction. That got no man laid ever in the history of humanity. It aroused no woman. It presses her “comfort and relaxation” buttons, not her passion buttons. They are different things. Do not confuse them.

    Check out Athol Kay’s blog, which is dedicated to solving the problems of married men and women stuck in the friendzone.

    • But i want to cook for her and want to give her a massage. Not because I think it will lead me to sex, its because I think cooking for her and giving her a message are some of many ways to show your love and care to your wife. And also because I love cooking.

      And it doesn’t stop us from having a happy sex life either. Its actually the opposite, I have experienced several times my message session turn into hot sex session.

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      CmE – it’s been working for Tom B (above) for like 30+ years!

      I like what John says here, too. Do it because it’s nice to make someone happy. Sometimes that leads to sex. Sometimes it just leads to happiness!

      • and vice versa says:

        It’s ok to generalize when the generalization is PC? But not ok when it’s a stereotype?

    • I think it’s good to have a mix of both tender gentle sex and just good f*cking. The popularity of books like 50 Shades of Grey (horrible writing, but, massive best seller) proves that a lot of women are pining for some raw exciting sex.

    • CME, I’ve got a news flash for you… A LOT of women cannot enjoy sex or feel sexy until and unless they feel comfortable and relaxed!! I have had a very passionate sex life within my marriage over the years. The more comfortable and relaxed I got, the hotter the sex got! I never had sex like this in other, less comfy relationships and I think my husband would say he’s getting better sex than they did!

  5. For one thing, I’ve never had just sex with my wife. In 39 years, we have only made love … at times, wild and passionate love that included intercourse. On the other hand, there have been times that we’ve made love without having intercourse. In my experience, people equate making love with having sex and IMO, they couldn’t be more mistaken.

    I don’t know how old this guy is or how long he’s been with this women, so I can’t give an opinion … I can only share what I’ve experienced.

    For the past few nights, my wife has been at our daughters helping her with her sick kids, our grandchildren. I don’t expect her home until maybe 10:30PM. I’ve missed her company a great deal and tonight, when she gets home, I intend on making love …. A warm bubble bath, sift music and R&R .. whatever SHE wants. I don’t want her stressed, I want to enjoy the rest of the evening even if that means simply holding her. Making love for me is giving myself to her and her needs. If it turns into something more, that’s cool too but if it doesn’t, I’m okay with it.

    BTW, I’ve known her since I was 11 years old … she was and always will be my best friend

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      Tom, this brought tears to my eyes. So inspiring. Thanks so much.

      There aren’t enough examples of happily married people who are together a lifetime, telling us how to do it. Would love to learn more of your tricks to a happy marriage!

    • @Tom B…

      “Making love for me is giving myself to her and her needs.”

      I could not agree more Tom B. A successful relationship and/or marriage involves giving of one self. I cannot understand why more people cannot seem to recognize this. They are too busy always trying to get get get…

      I married because I thought the unity of two would make each of us better/greater than as individual. While I did not work out, I still believe that when it comes to human relationship, you must focus of meeting your partners needs! And this means giving, even if your “getting” is delayed…

      Great comments Tom B.

      • and vice versa says:

        Isn’t the corollary to that idea… sometimes she needs to give herself to you and your needs? You’ve done your part to give her commitment and peace and she needs to do her part for your need for novelty? Not just in a by the way… novelty! But truly acknowledging that some people need security and some people need excitement. One doesn’t supercede the other. One isn’t “more evolved” or more significant. You can’t call yours a need and mine a want.

        I’m certainly not denying that some people need the former, just stating that others need the latter. All the intimacy and love and compassion in the world isn’t enough. They are just not interchangeable. And expecting me to do my part when she’s denigrating and throwing away my sexuality is incredibly difficult.

        Obviously, I’m writing this as the guy. Certainly some women want to fuck when their man wants to cuddle. I don’t deny they exist and that life sucks just as hard for them too.

    • Wow. That is so profoundly loving that I got a lump in my throat. I think you, sir, have brought sexy back to a clueless generation. Thank you for sharing your experience!

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