Jordan Kozey takes us into the mind of man finding his way post-marriage.
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1. Loneliness can send you down one of two paths: the one of self-destruction where the pain of separation locks you to your TV, fleeting romances, or substances. You may not deteriorate into a pile of mush, or you may, but you will not grow, resentment increases, and the world of other people becomes more threatening. The other alternative leads to solitude, where one realizes that loneliness is actually a feeling, an odd uncomfortable one, and not an idea or fantasy to get lost in. Give your loneliness a fence. It is a wild animal, prone to escapism. During a wild outburst, hold strong that fence and let it tire out. Like a child on a whim, it will feel at first disappointed, but ultimately loved and contained, safe inside its boundaries.
When the love of your life is no longer under the same roof, and there is no way to feel better about what might have happened differently, we simply have to take the ostrich head out of the hole and take on the sandy headwind.
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2. Pain does not last forever. When the love of your life is no longer under the same roof, and there is no way to feel better about what might have happened differently, we simply have to take the ostrich head out of the hole and take on the sandy headwind. It may last for more than 90 seconds (unless you are a proficient meditator or are extremely active), but this whole forever thing is what got you into trouble in the first place, no? Approach pain like you would that last second before skydiving or eating a habanero pepper, with a tint of madness in the eye, and say “let’s do this.”
3. Below the hurt, the anger, the regret, and the shame, this separation is fundamentally nothing else but granting you an opportunity to live the best life you can. You may have felt snippets of this hope. They will not last unless you water them with repetition and intimacy with yourself. It’s not easy switching your focus from your wife or your kids to your own heart, but this is really what it’s all about. Logic and explanations will eventually become clear, but life is attempting to defibrillate your dreams. Everyone benefits from this work, even your ex, and especially your kids.
But know, during the walk of your life, you will meet someone who is your opposite and antithesis (Oppolganger).
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4. We all have a doppleganger or two roaming around. They are people who look exactly like you. But know, during the walk of your life, you will meet someone who is your opposite and antithesis (Oppolganger). They may know you better than you know yourself at times. They may never be able to see the love and effort you give to them. There is a chance they will always think you are a terrible person. They have an astounding ability to feign empathy for others, except you. This person may be your ex. Count it the greatest blessing in the world, for none other than they, will afford you the depth of inner work and self-reflection, and the opportunity to love yourself as they challenge that inflow at every turn. Your self love infuriates them, because they are unable to match it in themselves. They think it’s selfish. They make spiritual practice and inner work an imperative (deep bow of gratitude) rather than a hobby.
5. Spiritual practice, exercise (yoga!), retreat, diet, and creative expressions are veritably the corner stones of a blooming man. Divorce has sent ripples through the fabric of what I believe a man to be. Without a connection to my source, a radical awareness and devotion to my body, and an outlet for the Typhon-sized emotions that accumulate, the soul withers, the body becomes ill, and future relationships don’t receive the nurturance they require.
Do not let any belief deter you from being as fully engaged in your dreams and work, as you are with your children. There is no partiality in the parental title.
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6. Fathers are just as important as mothers. Do not let any belief deter you from being as fully engaged in your dreams and work, as you are with your children. There is no partiality in the parental title. Father’s are not an intrusion to the mother-child relationship (except in situations of abuse, etc, but that goes both ways). For some father’s, it may take time to work in a constant presence with their children due to the nature of their divorce. Everything does not need to happen right away.
7. Despite divorce, the marriage actually endures. Part of healing from divorce involves recognition that our partners are never really separated from us. hey will live on in the faces of the people we meet, in memories of the places we visit, and in the gaze of our children. They come back in the attitudes and behaviors of our future partners. We must come to peace with the fact that as much as life is happening outside of us, much of what we encounter in the physical world is an opportunity to heal the past; to love through the past into the present.
We don’t need to come out and reveal our wounded wing, but we can be honest with just how much that wing can handle.
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8. Honesty is an investment. As you peer out from your grief-cave, and begin to meet other people, perhaps other lovers, you will notice that a good deal of time is required to heal from your divorce. That does not mean you have to sit alone everyday. Rebounding and exploring the scents of others is normal and healthy. Big but here. We must be honest that our healing process is in effect, and state what arenas of intimacy we are comfortable with at this time (physical, emotional, mental, friendship). We don’t need to come out and reveal our wounded wing, but we can be honest with just how much that wing can handle. Just because you are grieving does not mean you should not explore, just as long as you are not avoiding your grief by rebounding.
9. Fallowness. Fallowness describes farmland soil that is left broken for a long period of time, to ensure maximum yield of a future crop. Divorce may seem like an explosion of destructive forces. What they don’t tell you is that divorce is more like a plough, harrowing our path to ensure the fertility of the soul. Without this period of brokenness, any new seed that comes along will have less a chance to grow robust. It’s okay to sit, wait, and be broken for long periods of time, without the need to do.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Thank you. I’m a separated woman and can relate to a lot of this too. At the moment I’m treading water in the grief stage and it’s crap!
Thank you Sarah, for sharing and your process. It’s kind of strange how grief and pain are the windows through which we leap into the world of our successes and dreams.
Beautifully written. This piece really spoke to me. Almost 2 years after my painful divorce and I identify with many of these things, especially number 4. My ex is a soulmate in many ways, but mostly in the way my time with her and now after her has taught me more than my time with anyone else.
Hi Neal,
It is such an honor to hear that these words have somehow landed on familiar soil over there. I’m not sure, but there is a rumour that we have many soul mates, and each a necessary experience on our path of growth to love. Since your experience with her taught you so much, and so powerfully, then it is probably true that she was/is a soulmate. I wish you well on your journey to the heart of yourself!
Jordan Thank you for this …on this day as my wife and I try to carefully plan our separation. There are bizarre days when the achievement-oriented side of me comes out in a feeling of “we are doing this right.” But it isn’t really a cause for celebration – it’s just a matter of making a horribly difficult process more manageable and maybe a little less painful. But on days like today the sadness, regrets, and shame come like a riptide and I am at sea again. Your thoughtful post not only nailed my own feelings, fears, and cycles but… Read more »
Reid,
May your time of transition be full of all you need it to be, and your future be brighter because of it. I found there is not much we can do when the riptide beckons with terrible force. For me, I have a hard time crying alone, and usually need someone there to witness it. Someone once said that pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice. Somewhere in there I think it means we just need to feel the pain and let it do its work. Wishing you the best man.
So happy these words validate your experience Reid. Hope these winds of change bring you all you need, and that your future is full of hope, brother!
Great piece Jordan!This is really great article. 9 lessons from a deeply broken-hearted man. I think the other real issue; Letting go your ego which is expressed in number 3. 🙂
Definitely ego. Undoing of one ego, and slipping into another that aligns more powerfully with who we are. I’m filled with gratitude that this piece spoke to you!