Lisa Keating of The Next Family, along with her son, shares what happened in their family when he told them he is gay.
It was breakfast time.
Morgan: I asked my mom, “Why do parents throw their kids out when they tell them that they are gay or lesbian?” My Mom said, “That is a good question that I cannot answer.” We talked more about the subject. Soon, I try to say that I am gay, and with tears in my eyes I finally say it. I’m plugging my ears.
Mom and I go to the couch and talk more about it with laughter and more tears. My Mom tells me all of the last names of the families that love me and I cry. I took the day off from school and we talked more about it during the day. Then I ask, “Mama, can we write an article together about me being gay?”
◊♦◊
A few days ago my 9 year old son Morgan asked me, “Is a person born gay or lesbian or do they choose?” I told him that everyone’s path is different because it’s in their DNA. He started to cry, saying that he wanted to tell me something but was too afraid to say it. “You know what I’m going to say don’t you, Mom?” I answered, “I don’t know. I could assume, but I might be wrong.” He pleaded, “It’s okay, you can assume, Mom, go ahead assume!” “Morgan, I’m not going to assume. Whatever you have to say is for you to say out loud.” He started to cry harder, repeating how scared he was. Finally, he took a deep breath and said, “Mama, I believe I’m gay.”
Four days earlier, Morgan and I went to the season finale for Spectrum Dance Theater (www.spectrumdance.org) to support our dear friend Kate in her retirement from the company. Since Morgan is a ballet dancer himself, the Spectrum dancers are like Rock Stars in his eyes. Several of the male dancers have taken him under their wing, which as a Mama makes my heart sing. Two of Morgan’s favorite male dancers, Derek and Justin, performed a duet that apparently changed Morgan’s life. It was a love story set in the 1940′s between two men. One of the most intimate, elegant and authentic love stories I’ve seen through dance. Justin and Derek were stellar. Halfway through the piece Morgan laid his head on my shoulder, and I cried. I felt a deep sense of gratitude to the dancers. During the drive home I asked him what he thought of their performance. Still awestruck he replied, “It was powerful and amazing!”
Days later as we sat on the couch crying and laughing together on that now famous “coming out” Monday morning, Morgan told me that watching Derek and Justin dance was “like watching my life”.
◊♦◊
My husband and I realized that our son’s statement, “I’m gay”, changed everything; interactions with people, privacy (and what that means to us), relationships, our awareness of so many things we had always taken for granted, Morgan’s disclosure at his school and choosing to be an “out” family with all the concerns that entails.
By nature I’m a diplomatic person in my thinking and communication, and it’s important for me to understand all sides if possible. (Probably comes from my inner Cracker Jack psychologist!) Until Morgan identified as gay I didn’t have reason to concern myself with discrimination. Most of my focus has been geared towards acceptance and awareness around gender expression and identity.
Now my husband and I are pondering how do we work with the school and the district to continue to provide a safe environment? The staff isn’t trained to deal with this, and it’s naive of me to think that adults won’t treat Morgan differently because of their personal beliefs. Ethically a teacher’s personal and/or religious beliefs are not to enter the classroom. And teachers are required by law to not discriminate, but the reality is that it happens; maybe not overtly, but it happens.
Our education system, and much of the rest of the country’s, is not prepared for 6-9 year old children to vocalize orientation. The system can’t even humanely handle a young boy in a dress let alone allow a child to say, “I’m gay / lesbian.” However, an unintended consequence of marriage equality and equal rights for gay adults is that it opens up the space for gay children to have a vocabulary that helps them identify their feelings and have the words to express themselves.
◊♦◊
The last two weeks have been incredible. The air has been filled with deep conversations and many questions, not only from Morgan, but from those who have learned he is a 9 year old that identifies as gay.
Some may question why I am exposing my child to the potential scrutiny of the public and media. It is possible that within my own village some may see this as exploitation or sensationalism.
During a meeting to create a safety plan for him at school, Morgan expressed that he feels completely alone and can’t trust anyone. My husband and I cannot control that fear within him. And as much as I live in “Pollyannaland”, one day Morgan is going to be called a faggot. Someone will tell him that God hates him. Someone may even physically hurt him. We’ll need to teach him not to walk in dark places alone when he gets older, and we’ll need to explain the atrociousness of homophobia to keep him safe.
The stark reality is that we live in a culture that assumes everyone’s straight, going to marry someone of the opposite sex, have children and live the suburban life.
To those of you who believe being gay is a “choice” I would say that “choice” is based out of fear and rejection. “Choosing” to live a straight life to avoid being tossed out in the street, written off by family, friends, and community is safer for millions across the world, but it is no way to live. Being authentic to oneself is the most courageous thing a person can do. It takes extreme courage to live life openly as a LGBTQ because that means having secrets and being at great risk of violence, rejection, and discrimination. Ignorance is unregulated.
If we don’t stand up and speak out for a kid like Morgan who will? By saying, “Hey, Everyone, our 9 year old is gay!” we are opening ourselves up for criticism and possible harm. What is really intolerable is not taking the risk of speaking up and because of that silence a child somewhere loses hope and believes they are completely alone. If putting our family at risk saves one child’s life then it’s worth it. And the more families who raise their voices together the more powerful the message.
This is a new generation of gay youth and it is our responsibility to keep them safe. Soon we’ll have a generation who were allowed to “come out” as early as first grade who won’t hide from shame or guilt.
Progressives, liberals, whatever you call yourself, it’s time to elevate the conversation. Children are paying attention to all the advances we’ve made for marriage equality. Morgan is passing the torch for us to take a stand for him. He may not realize it now but as a family we are privileged to have the opportunity to pave the way for other kids to come out.
I have built an army around our family and our army is on the move.
If you would like to read more by Lisa Keating, check out My Purple Umbrella.
Photo Credit: Purple Sherbet Photography.
Originally published at thenextfamily.com
Want the best of The Good Men Project posts sent to you by email? Join our mailing list here.
He’s too young to realize he is gay. What if he changes his mind when he’s older? This will haunt him forever. Maybe all those adult gay ballet dancers are too much of an influence.
It bothers me that anyone would sexualize small children to the extent that they would see them as heterosexual or homosexual. These children are in their developmental stages in life where “attraction” may be as simple as having common interested. My two year old grandson likes walking in his grandmas shoes but then again, he likes walking in my boots too. And I also struggle with placing kids in a box because of what and who they like to play with. Does it mean that a girl who like roping cattle is gay? These are small children, let them BE… Read more »
You say quit boxing them in but isn’t that what heterosexuals have done for thousands of years and continue to do to non-heterosexuals all over the world. Heterosexist society presumes that everybody is or should be straight and that every child will or should grow up to be straight. Isn’t that the very definition of heterosexual supremacy and boxing people in? Gay people don’t have camps where they try to convert heterosexuals into becoming gay. It is heterosexual supremacists who run “ex-gay” camps where they torture gay kids in the hopes of “converting” them to heterosexuality. And it is heterosexuals… Read more »
“Most kids know whether they are attracted to boys or girls at fairly young ages ranging from 6 to 13 years old.” And what data do you have to support this?
You’re kidding, right? You don’t remember being that young? At 5 I knew I was going to want a man like the guy that drove the fast gold car. My friend did too. He thought he was so handsome. That’s what most of us have as “data” to back us up.
It is the ultimate taboo to research childhood sexuality. That being said,Alfred Kinsey,in his famous 1948 publication “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” noted that 38.1% of his male subjects recalled their first sociosexual arousal occurring before their tenth birthday.In fact,the mean age of a boy’s initial response was twelve. Ritch-Savin Williams,a gay Professor and sex researcher based at Cornell College in upstate New York found that the average age of first recalled sexual attraction was age ten for boys and age twelve for girls. Gilbert Herdt,an anthropologist and researcher,also noted similar ages for the recall of first attractions in… Read more »
Our daughter came out at 8, I wrote this:
http://amothtomany.wordpress.com/2013/06/21/easy/
Awesome parents, keep up the good work. I will say that depending on what kind of community you live in there are many resources available for even very young LGBT people. Many gay folks always knew they were gay from before sex and puberty and all of that fun stuff came about. It can be very innate. When a child is struggling with something and really trusts you enough to tell you that, the last thing you should do is to tell them “you are wrong”. The largest factor in the suicide rate of gays is lack of *family* acceptance.… Read more »
How can you even begin to think that at nine years of age any child is at a level of emotional competence to make and understand a choice like identifying himself as gay! There is no way that a definite enough sense of self is achieved at such a young age. Romantic/sexual feelings havent even begun to manifest at that age at all. He has not even gone through puberty, that tumoltous age when orientation is actually decided and developed. Shaking my head at you for allowing himself to place himself into a box that may easily see him being… Read more »
Hey Martin,
I knew I was gay when I was 5. It’s not the same for everyone, and I’m pretty sure they’ll be open with him that he might find his orientation might change, but because you have it one way doesn’t mean everyone does.
I agree, Martin. I was thinking the same thing reading this: better said by a gay man, though. Whereas I have no problem believing it’s likely he WILL be gay, isn’t it a little early to be starting the pride parade? At least the most important sentiment is there, that he knows he is loved and accepted no matter what.
Why would anyone think 9 is too young to understand romance? As a 9 year old girl, I was certainly old enough to know I liked boys. Why wouldn’t a 9 year old boy be old enough to know he likes boys, too? The beauty of the age we live in is that he has the language to describe what a 9 year old boy 50 years ago wouldn’t have been able to. Sure, he may not have a full understanding of the complexities of adult sexuality, but that doesn’t mean a 9 year old doesn’t know the difference between… Read more »
I knew at 11, but didn’t have anyone I could trust to tell.
For the people saying sexual orientation isn’t in the DNA, whether it is determined solely or partially by DNA or not doesn’t matter. Equality is equality, whether our sexual orientation is a choice or not. And for some it is a choice, but for other it isn’t. Regardless, people love who they love, and should be welcomed, included and celebrated.
First mistake..telling him that it is in his DNA! not true and no science to back that up. Loving your children yes..allowing a 8-9 yr old decide they are gay without the knowledge of what that really is was your second mistake! I will pray for you and him, hopefully he will find out on his own that it is a choice like all things in life and he will make the right decision!
I agree with Michael
Hey Michael, does that mean you can choose to be gay? Go on, do it. I dare you. Then you can go on TV and prove everyone wrong.
Morgan and his family need your prayers. Pray for yourself to actually be a true Christian and not judge people for how they are born.
It’s simply speaking the true with love. He didn’t say anything disrespectful.
Who said he did?
Considering I’m a 31 year old female who is attracted to males (and only males) but has known since I was 4 that I identify as male, I am so happy that children are able to express who they truly are instead of growing into an adult that is being afraid of who they really are, who they are comfortable being, like I am.
Thanks for writing this. Screw the criticism, you’re a great parent and your son is brave!
Whatever difficulties Morgan will face for being an out child, he will be so much happier to face them with his parent’s support. When I was in school I saw gay/lesbian friends struggle with telling their parents, and sometimes the result was awful. Morgan is lucky to have the safe/loving/accepting home environment that every child deserves.
Bravo! »thundrous applause« Parenting: you’re doing it right. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.