Initiatory events are cultural emancipations. They ring in the soul like the “Call to Prayer” echoing in a great hall. If men don’t rise to the call, the world becomes over-run by adult-boys, who destroy life, grab everything in sight, and trample over everybody’s rights.
“Boyhood”: this shallow rut which shackles men’s souls and keeps us stuck in the mud. Characterized by the inability (or unwillingness) to get beyond preoccupations with self-gratification, with selfishness, with “me, myself & mine.”
The step into the Mature Masculine requires a surrender, an embrace of selflessness, service, and reverence for that which we call “other”. And it requires a reckoning with the Sacred Mother.
Perhaps the litmus test for “Manhood” is what a guy sees when he lays eyes on such beauty.
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The Sacred Mother is hard to recognize, at first, for most men. Much easier to project “goddess” onto transcendent appearance: Marilyn Monroe, Halle Berry, Kate Upton, Jennifer Lawrence. Perhaps the litmus test for “Manhood” is what a guy sees when he lays eyes on such beauty. A “boy’s” vision only sees the surface, and seeks to possess it. A “man” sees the essence within the beauty, and bows to that. Getting from “Pin-Up Queen” to “Sacred Mother” requires an initiation.
The initiation presenting itself for today’s man is called “The Fappening.” The event which inspired a tsunami of self-reflection within the collective soul of men. Our own personal ice-bucket challenge: To look, or not to look? Is this for real or is this for show?
Or, more precisely,
“What kind of man do I want to be?”
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I first heard about this “Fappening” here on The Good Men Project. It was an article that felt almost like a scolding by another man. Screw that, I’m going to make this decision myself and not be shamed away. I can respect women … even if I look. Sometimes my mind betrays me like that.
I didn’t go to that site, not that I didn’t think about it. I really thought I was going to look. I even made note of the site address. I read the list of celebrities, and my thoughts sounded a bit like the noise your transmission makes when it is about to croak, something like,
“Nobody’s going to know. It won’t make a difference.”
“It’s not REALLY a violation. I mean, OK, it sorta is, on a psychic level, but, what’s my little part going to matter in the whole big mess?”
“I won’t look. OK, maybe just a little. Just one celebrity. Just one peek.“
“Shit, now I have to decide which one”.
“OK, maybe just two. Just two, then I’ll stop.”
This whole process took about sixty-seconds broken up across several days. The Extreme Fighting goes on in a man’s brain until he chokes out, so I did what men do best: I distracted myself. When you wrestle with a dilemma, you lose. Better to stay on your feet, bob and weave, keep moving.
Well, I suppose Kate Upton is somebody’s daughter, no?
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It bothers me that these women had their privacy invaded and posted on the Internet. God forbid that was my daughter, or my sister, or somebody’s mother. Well, I suppose Kate Upton is somebody’s daughter, no? Guess what? I still thought about clicking that link. Because, I mean, well … it’s KATE UPTON.
I deliberated on the damage that’s done—to ALL parties—when people are objectified without their consent. If the photos were stolen, and I look, then I become complicit in that crime. Together we thieve.
My body felt sick whenever I contemplated the photos. I thought about how this tendency to violate women—psychically—has gained horrific momentum in our culture, and every time I contribute to that energy, it gets stronger, bigger, worse. I become a part of the problem.
Bad vibes, bad for the soul of the planet, you know?
I made the decision NOT to open that hell-realm because deep in my bones I know we’re all connected, and there’s no way to “touch” a person – even in my mind – and them not feel it. So, without explicit permission, I am not allowed to look, even though Mr. Incognito Mode says I can.
It’s not, ”Look at what a great advocate for women I am!”
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Still, this isn’t my Ice Bucket video. It’s not, ”Look at what a great advocate for women I am!” I’m not the Poster Boy for Good Behavior. There’s nothing to brag about here. I did the right thing. This time. I did my little part today.
Tomorrow brings more challenges, and I need to remain mindful. I’ve participated in this game and contributed to this problem plenty. My struggles in this area are fodder for my own self healing. Some research suggests that up to 100 million men are looking at porn on the internet. Every. Single. Day. That’s two thirds of the male population in this country.
This is not going to go away easily, or fast. There are damaging effects at so many levels we can’t even begin to touch on. As men, we ought to be humble about this conversation. Humility has a longer shelf-life than shame.
… it can’t hurt to acknowledge how much pain we have being so divided within.
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It can’t hurt to acknowledge that we have not created a safe environment for women on this planet. The acknowledgment could go a long way since I am a man, even if I have not participated in this charade. At the very least, I have benefited from a situation that has hurt women for thousands of generations. Perhaps most of all, it can’t hurt to acknowledge how much pain we have being so divided within.
Samuel Johnson said,
“Man becomes a beast to get rid of the pain of being a man.”
Indeed. World history might suggest that the collective hearts of men have been broken forever. Wounded people tend to wound everything around them.
When I’m scared, insecure, anxious, feeling inadequate, perceiving a threat and/or believing myself to be unlovable, I’m safer staying home, quaranteened where I can’t do any harm. When I declare a truce in the inner-realm of myself, and make soothing sounds in my mind, I tend to treat people with greater respect. I become more dignified, capable of honoring the person standing before me.
I’m not interested in pretending there is no difference between men and women, or trying to reject any part of the man I am. I want to expand what it means to be a man. I want to be a safer man for women, children, and the earth.
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This begs some sort of appreciative dialogue with the Sacred Feminine, who announces her presence whenever I open my heart and surrender the fight. The approach to the Sacred Feminine is characterized by openness, vulnerability, and surrender. The experience of yielding to the creative flow of the universe, as opposed to “making things happen.” But first, you’ve got to look past the surface of things.
A man’s got to be able to look beyond his lust. Breathing life into the Safe Man might be one of the best ways to be a Male Feminist.
We need men to continue modeling mature masculine behavior with regard to women. We need more than that. We need to be reminded that we are Holy Kings unfolding, because to forget is to become dangerous.
We are each potential Kings, flawed, but noble nonetheless. Princes don’t become Kings until they acknowledge the Beast they carry within, and bring that Beast to the Sacred Feminine for healing.
Robert Bly used to say that a man had to be born twice: once through a woman, then once through a man. That model runs like a T-Model Ford in today’s world, doesn’t it?
The Deep Masculine is accessed through the Goddess. The Goddess cannot be accessed by peering at pictures of naked starlets. The Goddess is accessed through the creative realms of the heart, by allowing oneself to be a vessel for life.
We are the Sons of Sophia and our mandate is to usher forth a new era devoted to the Sacred Feminine, become men like the world has never seen. Men who are creators, not destroyers. Men who love the world, not seek to possess it. Men who befriend our sisters, not try to dominate or elevate them. Men who are not flawless, but noble nonetheless.◊♦◊
Perhaps in years to come, we’ll look back upon “The Fappening” and recognize it as a gift of the Sacred Mother presented as a pandemic initiation from Boyhood to the Mature Masculine.
The role of men is changing in the 21st century. Want to keep up? Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
Feature Photo: Robert.Montalvo/Flickr, head silhouette: Paleontour/Flickr, Flower: Jess Beemouse/Flickr
Oh my….I am amazed that a man [sorry, NOT being condescending, truly] understands what you have professed in your article. These insights are so heartening, that a man glimpses the Sacred Feminine and recognizes in Her is healing for himself and for all of mankind. Men seem so mesmerized by the obvious and overt aspects of female sexuality, yet so blind to what lies beneath that. And it’s not all your fault. Women have lost touch with Her, too. We have been socialized to believe our bodies are all that men care about, and all that we are valued for.… Read more »
(FYI / Your Facebook link works but brings me to a Facebook page that reads, “Sorry, this content isn’t available right now.”)
Thank you for the article and the brave work you do. Do you have any more words of wisdom for a femel who is so sick and tired of the dysfunction and abuse that is patriarchal society (especially here in America) but seeks (and sometimes finds) positive and uplifting men to learn about and admire? I think many of us hunger for the stable, healthy, mature masculine in our lives.
I swear sometimes this website makes me feel so…dim. I read this article three times and I still have no idea what the hell he is saying – it might as well have been written in latin….
What about the millions of women who also looked at the naked photos of the celebrities???
Amy that is SUCH an excellent point! What about the women who also looked? It would be awesome to hear some reflections from women on the subject. I don’t know if the theme is about “right” vs. “wrong”, though, even for men. I do thing we need to be humble about the conversation, because for some that behavior has so many tones and variations, not so easy to be black or white about it. For me its about understanding that the way we relate to ourselves and each other are pathways to the Divine Mother. That the ask from the… Read more »
I offered a much lengthier response to this most EXCELLENT question, but when I hit “send” the whole paragraphed disappeared. I’m not even such this one will get posted but I’m gonna just say this and see what happens: yes, I would love to hear from some women about what about that? But I don’t think the question is about is it “okay” or “different” for women to look, or even that its “wrong”. I’m just talking about a path to the divine feminine for men, which at some point becomes an initiatory path for men to the Deep Masculine.… Read more »
Perhaps you are blinded by your heterosexism. You do know that some women are homosexual or bisexual and they might have looked at these pictures with the same lust that you are broad-brushing to all men??? That was my question. If it is wrong for the men to look- most of whom don’t even care about objectifying or being with women but just out of sheer curiosity- how does your generalization apply to the millions of women who also viewed these images??? Besides, do you only care about women being objectified??? What about the male who also had his picture… Read more »
Amazing article. And so true: we should always look inside ourselves and see what part of the problem we are supporting (almost ALL of us , probably all of us, are supporting something wrong, consciously or not). The feminine is the origin and the source. The all-embracing subconsciousness, the life before and inside life, the unborn who gives birth. The universe in it’s latent and never ending state is feminine. The masculine is the explosion and the construct, the transitory and divided consciousness, the life after and outside the life, the born from the unborn who helps generate and multiply.… Read more »
Er….perhaps because they want a third option? There is nothing wrong with rejecting two undesirable options.
I do think we need to be humble about the conversation, and shame is not recommended. I think the path is to the Deep Masculine is access through some expression of reverence in life, but the ways that path is expressed can be variable. I don’t know if the actual path is the thing or if its the state of joy, or connected, or humble, or whatever that highest is for each one is the thing. And for each person that’s something different. Some men wrestle with lust and objectification and even violence toward women, and some men don’t. But… Read more »