Sarah Fader has no time for games when it comes to dating.
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I have a single friend who is in love with her neighbor. We talk about him often. She tries to think of different ways to approach him and get him to notice her. She wants him to ask her out. To me, this is a weird concept. I’ve never been into traditional gender roles. Whenever I’ve liked a guy in my 34 years, I’ve told him as much.
Usually, this has a poor effect on men. They get all weird and don’t know how to handle an assertive woman. I, on the other hand, don’t have time for games. I find them tiresome and I’m bad at the rules.
My advice to my friend was this: “Ask the guy out for coffee.”
I see no problem with a woman hitting on a man. Society has no problem with the opposite. Men are encouraged to tell women that they’re attractive and ask them out to dinner or drinks or what have you. However, women are told that they mustn’t tell a man that they’re interested in him… Oh no! Don’t do that. You’ll look crazy and desperate. I’m here to tell you that I don’t play by those rules. And you can feel free not to also.
If a guy doesn’t like you because you told him that you like him, perhaps he’s not the sort of person you want to be with after all. If I tell a guy I like him (and I’ve done this historically) and he responds poorly, oh well, his loss.
Women, we do not need to hold back our sexuality or our desire towards the opposite sex. If you want to ask a man out for coffee or drinks or hot f*cking chocolate, I have three words for you: Go for it.
I don’t care that society says it’s wrong. I don’t mind that some guys will think I come on too strong. The right man is not going to care about all that. So ladies, if you like a guy, tell him.
You’ve got nothing to lose.
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Photo: Stefano Pirone/Flickr
This essay originally appeared on Sarah Fader’s HuffPost blog.
the last relationship I had, my former girlfriend approached me and invited me out to dinner. Initially freaked out (silently), as I sensed she was up to something, but I went with it and accepted her invitation. She straightout asked to go out with me, which I was dumbfounded and took a few moments to get back to my senses and reply. Part of me wanted to run for the hills, but after the initial shock was over, I thought this chick doesn’t muck around. I was quite flattered in all honestly. Our relationship blossomed for about 6 months, then… Read more »
yep
Well, you may do that. But looking at the science about men and women around dating. The first choice goes to man. To talk to the woman. The second choice is the woman’s. To go on a date. And the third choice is the man’s choice. To keep the relationship after the first date.
The ‘first choice’ goes to whoever makes the choice to ask. After all, if a woman asks a man out, doesn’t that mean she’s making the ‘first choice’, and he is making the ‘second choice’ regardless if he says ‘yes’ or ‘no’? As for the third choice being the man’s choice…you are flat out wrong Sean. The third choice is both people’s choice. Just because a man asks me out, and we go out on a date, it doesn’t mean that I automatically want a relationship with him after that. The fact that you think that the choice to continue… Read more »
I went out for a bit with a woman who approached me first. It only lasted a few weeks, but that was because she said some rather nasty things about Joe Biden. Her assertiveness was pretty magnetic, as I remember it. Glad I accepted her invitations, either way.
@ Erin I have a friend who’s wife asked him out. She’s not the type of woman he would have asked out, but since it had never happened to him before, he decided to accept. I’ve been asked out by women before. Sometimes I accept and other times I don’t. The one thing that seems to be different is that looks don’t factor in as much. I’m not saying that they become unimportant, but her approach and the connection she tries to establish becomes more important. It also seems that I’m a lot more receptive when I’m already having a… Read more »
D – while I appreciate you responding dating a woman for a few weeks doesn’t really construe as a “successful relationship”. I would like to hear from men that have had relationships successfully with women who have asked them out.
It’s such a rare thing for a man to receive that kind of direct approach from a woman. When it does happen, it makes my day. Unless I was already seeing someone, I would accept an invite to coffee just to see if there was a spark. After all, they’ve already shown good taste 😉
Most men have to approach a bunch of women to find one who returns their interest. We get used to the fact that most of the women we approach just aren’t interested. Women, on the other hand, after having unsuccessfully approached one or two men, will conclude that all men dislike being approached by a woman.
Agreed. You can tell your friend that some random guy on the internet thinks she should ask her neighbor to coffee (or hot chocolate, or ice cream? Everyone loves ice cream…but maybe when it’s warmer out) too. I’ve dated several women who expressed interest in me first (whether they asked me out first or I asked them out, but they “made the first move,) and while my experience isn’t universal, taking initiative when you want something, is EXACTLY the sort of thing I look for.