When he read an editorial saying that men no longer write love poems to their wives, Michael Carley decided to correct this.
“She ain’t ashamed to be a woman or afraid to be a friend”–Kris Kristofferson
A while back, there was an editorial in my local newspaper outlining the evils of the movement for women’s rights. That movement, we were told, had resulted in a number of detrimental effects on our society. Through that column I learned that things had gotten so bad that men no longer write love poems to their wives. I had no idea.
In part to correct this deficiency, and in honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m writing this column to honor the love of my life.
◊♦◊
Darling, when we began this journey just a few years ago, who would have known where it would end. I couldn’t have imagined. I still can’t and don’t want to. I’m still enjoying the journey.
I have no desire, as some may have in the past, to have you travel behind me. From there, you could not see the potholes in our path and we’d both stumble. I trust you as much as myself to keep us going in the right direction.
Neither do I place you on a pedestal. As much as it is nice to be admired, I can do so easier looking into your eyes while we are at the same level.
But I also know that Antoine de Saint Exupery once said, our love is best if it is based, not on gazing into one another’s eyes, but that we are looking in the same direction.
I know that my manhood is not based on your diminishment as a woman, but is enhanced by our partnership in life together. Neither is your womanhood enhanced by any attempt to hold you to some unrealistic ideal of femininity, but by recognizing that you are who you are, wonderful, imperfect, and continually evolving.
None of this means that there are no differences between us, or between men and women. Viva La Difference.
I worry little about my proper role is as man, husband, and father or yours as a woman, wife and mother. We need not be pegged into particular roles because of what someone else may think. I can wash a dish and care for our son as well as you can. You can fix his toys or an appliance, probably better than I.
We do not always agree, nor should we. We don’t always vote the same, think the same, or believe the same things. If we did, it would mean that one or both of us was not thinking, or was subjugating what we believe to the will of the other. This would be as unhealthy as it is unintelligent.
It is important that we display not only our agreements, but our disagreements to our son. He needs to see people with different perspectives and different views on the great issues of life. He needs to be witness to both of our strengths and weaknesses so that he grows up to respect the diversity of humanity and can share all that he is with another one day.
Speaking of our son, thank you for helping to create him, to give him life, love, and guidance as he learns what it means to be a man in this difficult world.
As I watch him learn and grow, I know that his enthusiasm, his warmth, and much of his character and intelligence come from you. I see in him your zest for life and all that it brings.
Raising him together, I want to see him learn from the best that we both have to offer. You can make up for my weaknesses with your patience, your talents, your optimism, and often, just by being there when I cannot, or when I do not have the skill or understanding to deal with a particular problem.
But he’ll not just learn from the best of us. He may perhaps learn the most from where one or the other of us falls short. He’ll see one of us pick up where the other left off and thereby learn that he need not be everything as a person or as a partner. He’ll also know that whatever his deficiencies, he can work on them without judgment, but with persistence.
If we set the example for him that I hope we can, he’ll learn from our successes and failures and he’ll be a better parent than either of us have been. That is as it should be.
I am glad we married, but it neither a paper from the state nor the fear of social disapproval that keeps us together. It is a shared commitment to spend our lives caring for one another, listening, and continually working to keep and improve on the best of us as individuals and as a family.
What does the future bring? Honestly, I have no idea. All I know is we’re in this together.
I love you Beckie.
Earlier version published at www.recorderonline.com.
Photo: J.K Califf/Flickr
Join the conversation! Follow The Good Men Project of Twitter @goodmenproject.com.
Like us on Facebook.
Get a round-up of our conversations every day, right to your inbox! Join our mailing list here.