Almost half of the children in the United States don’t know what a father even is, Jose Aviles is looking to change that from the inside out.
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43% of US children live without their father, 90% of homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes, 85% of youths in prisons grew up in a fatherless home. Fatherless boys and girls are: twice as likely to drop out of high school; twice as likely to end up in jail; four times more likely to need help for emotional or behavioral problems.
I got these statistics from thefatherlessgeneration.wordpress.com and they are pretty disturbing but ring true and factual indeed. You see, I am the Dean of Students at a Newark High School in New Jersey and I created a peer mentorship program there. I am trying to effect change in the best way that I can.
I do this through training upper classmen, juniors and seniors to mentor underclassmen, freshmen and sophomores. Through our training we come up with some difficult topics that need to be covered. I have 25 young men who are peer mentors and I meet with them at least once a week throughout the school year.
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“How many of you grew up without a father in your life” 17 of the 25 raised their hands.
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The topic of this week’s lesson was a Fatherless Nation. I simply asked them to raise their hand if they answered yes to this question. The question was “ How many of you grew up without a father in your life” 17 of the 25 raised their hands. That would make it 68%. That meant that 68% of my peer mentors grew up with out their father. That was pretty eye opening.
I showed them a Youtube video entitled “ The Father Effect” created by John Finch. It was an amazing piece and it discussed the power of forgiveness and how it can be used to overcome the wound your father has caused in order to live a productive and happy life.
Once the twenty-five minute video was over one of my peer mentors stormed out and about five others were in tears. After I retrieved the one mentor that ran out I asked them to share. They were very reluctant, so I decided to share the story of my father.
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Though he never left, my relationship with him was very strained. He was verbally and physically abusive towards my brother and I growing up. I suffered from my father being fatherless. His father left him when he was a child and he had no clue how to raise two sons. Coupled with being abused himself growing up and fighting in the Vietnam War he suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which in other words made him a nightmare to live with.
Despite the pain I was able to forgive my father years later, understanding my father did not know better and he was just as much a victim of circumstance. I went to college and became relatively successful as a teacher and administrator. My brother on the other hand chose not to forgive him. He succumbed to substance abuse dropped out of school and eventually ended up in jail. Till this day he blames my father for his poor choices.
Once I shared my story hands immediately went up, they wanted to share theirs.
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Once I shared my story hands immediately went up, they wanted to share theirs. Their stories were powerful. Many of them sharing their pain for the first time, stories of abandonment, abuse and neglect they all seemed to have one common denominator and it was resentment.
On a positive note many of them were able to find positive male role models to help fill some of the void, such as stepfathers, uncles, cousins and older friends of the family. Most of them have developed a hatred for their father going as far as to say they would curse them out and even fight them, most simply refuse to talk or have any contact with them but none have explored forgiveness as a viable option.
At the end of the day it boils down to choice. You can choose to hate or choose to forgive. Ultimately it is not about their fathers’ well being but about theirs. Their Success is entirely theirs to own. No one can take credit for their success, but we must understand that their failure is theirs to own as well. They were struck by our discussion and some even chose to reach out to their fathers.
At the end of the day being the father that your father never was is one way to show the world that this is a Nation of Fathers to be.
I think that it’s great that you have started this mentoring program! On a person note, I wish more parents would see the value in exposing their children to positive male role models. I don’t necessarily agree that it needs to be a “father” per se (I’m a guy who grew up without a dad and I’m doing pretty great) – but my mom always had male role models around for us. Same goes for many of my lesbian parent friends – their kids don’t have “dads” but they sure do have A LOT of strong men in their lives.… Read more »
I could not agree with you more Devon. It is all about exposure to positive males. There is no question about how powerful mothers are. There are just some topics that we are more comfortable talking about with members of the same gender.
Dr.Jose, what an awesome piece. I as well feel and know you are being used to do Godly work, for there is such an evident need in our society to help make boys into men, and need positive men role models. I myself unfortunately am raising my son without his father’s financial or emotional support and pray that my child never falls in the statistics.
Again, great job and may ALL the H.S’ s be able to incorporate this in their curriculum.
Thank you, many blessings Vanessa Gonzalez from NY
Thank you, it is unfortunate that good fathers have to pay the price for bad fathers. God Bless you for being a strong mother. I believe exposing your son to as many positive males as possible is one step. Though it will never entirely fill that void coming to terms with what is missing and actively looking for positive solutions is key. Always remind your son that forgiveness is a viable option. Understanding his pain and dealing with it as opposed to pretending it does not hurt is critical. I am sure your son will become the good father he… Read more »
Great blog…thank you for your love and support for the young men that God has guided into your life!
Thank you for your kind words. I do believe what I do is God’s work, though frustrating at times. Just saving one kid, sparking a thought or changing an attitude makes it all worth it.
Dr. Jose, thank you for this article and I appreciate your again bringing to light a major problem in today’s society. Similar words have been spoken for many years now and little to nothing has been done. That’s of course with exceptions like what you’re doing. It appears fatherless children takes the back seat to issues like wage disparity between men and women. Wage disparity, which in and of itself can be debated, manages to hit the front pages everywhere yet fatherless children and the devastating affects continue to be swept under the carpet. Having been directly and indirectly involved… Read more »
Thanks you Dr Jose for underlining a problem that is pervasive around the world. I applaud your inspired mentorship program. The statistics are a sad testimony. As a dad I am passionate that every child should have the leadership and protection of a father. In today’s society men moreso must step up and commit to their responsibility to not just father a child but to be a dad for a lifetime. I was blessed to have a dad who was committed to me and my brother. I cannot fathom what it’s like not to have a dad. I pray your… Read more »
Thanks Richard, you hit it right on the head. It is all about commitment. Having a child is a lifetime commitment there is no such thing as a part-time Dad.
I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately the role of the father in this country has been minimized so much that we have little say in such matters. The problem is good fathers are punished because of the actions of bad fathers. Equality across the board whether it is the workplace or parenthood should be our goal and our burden until it is done so.
Amazing article. Really enjoy the closing where you mentioned the importance of being good fathers for our kids. The only unfortunate huddle is for those responsible fathers that the system limit them from the time they can spend with their children. At least that’s the unfortunate case in michigan where fathers are not respected at all in the family court and force them out of their kids life only to put a child support that not only is less than half of what you really spend on your kids but in the end it doesn’t get use toward the child.… Read more »