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One of the feminist concepts that’s wonderfully useful when applied to men’s issues is the notion of microaggressions. Microaggressions are all those things that you get every fuckin’ day that make you feel marginalized or alienated, none of which quite cross the threshold to where you can get pissed about them, but which just wear away at you. Here, have a bunch of examples.
Now, as a straight white cis male Normal Person, I’d never really thought about microaggressions as they apply to me. I don’t get all the shit in that video, I don’t get told I don’t exist the way bisexuals and trans folks and so many others do–by most metrics of social oppression, I’ve got a pretty sweet deal.
Thing is, though, it turns out that “less fucked up than some other folks” is not even close to the same as “not fucked up”. When I sat down and looked at the issue, I discovered that my average day contains a wealth of microaggressions, little things just picking away at my sense of self, all focused on the fact that I’m male.
I’ve stopped watching most TV comedies because it just gets too wearing to see the same old men-are-all-slobs men-are-all-stupid men-are-all-horny jokes over and over and fucking over. The laughter payoff I get is just not worth being called an asshole that many times in 22 minutes. Well, okay, except for Community and Louie. But those are less into gender assumptions than most.
I also don’t dare watch TV commercials, and I go well out of my way to block internet ads as well. I will switch browsers to one with stronger ad-blocking software if I feel like there’s a chance I might accidentally view a commercial. A couple years ago, someone told America’s marketing departments that there’s this Crisis Of Masculinity going on, so now way too many ads are about “Be a Real Man by purchasing this specific product!” The worst part isn’t even those prescriptivist ads, though, or their counterparts about “Men have no idea how to perform simple household tasks! That’s woman’s work! With these specific products!” The ones that really get me are the ones that take performative masculinity for granted, the ones that say “Sure, you’re a normal guy, eating some hot wings and watching the game with your bros…” Okay, seriously, I don’t like hot wings, I don’t watch the game, and I don’t have bros. Thanks a lot for cutting me out of my gender.
What really makes me crazy, though, is when she lays down her credit card, they go and run the card, and then hand me back the slip to sign.
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I hate that when I’m dining out with one of my girlfriends, most of the time the waiter will hand me the check, or at least put it on my side of the table. 90% of the time, I’m not getting the check, being a broke-ass starving writer and all. Being handed that check stings; it’s a reminder that I’m a bum, an unemployable ne’er-do-well who can’t even fulfill my assigned Success Object role well enough to pick up a lousy dinner check. It’s also, implicitly, an insult to my date, a denial of her own economic agency. (Ozy’s Law strikes again!) What really makes me crazy, though, is when she lays down her credit card, they go and run the card, and then hand me back the slip to sign. Now really, I know that people’s names and gender presentations vary a lot, but if you’ve got two people at a table, only one of them’s got tits, and you’re holding a credit card with the name Susan on it, is it that unfair to play the fucking odds?
Then maybe I get home and I relax by reading one of my favorite humor websites, like Cracked.com. Man, you know what’s funny, apparently? Pointless enforcement of gender roles! Now, let me talk seriously about comedy for a second. I think Seanbaby is one of the most talented humor writers of his generation. He’s got a clear, recognizable style that makes me laugh every time. Also, every single sentence he writes is about gender enforcement. I have no idea how the bastard orders lunch without implying that the waiter’s dick would be bigger if he did more push-ups. Possibly he doesn’t, I don’t know. It’s not just him, of course. Search that site for the terms “manly” “manliest” and “badass”. Clear your calendar first.
If it were only that site, I’d ignore it and go get my giggles elsewhere, but dear god, the enforcement is unending. How many jokes do you see in a day based on the premise that seeing a woman’s body is hot and sexy, but seeing a man’s body is gross and disgusting? (Again, that’s offensive coming and going!) I turn on TV and I get called an asshole, I turn on the internet and I get called gross.
Never fucking mind if I want to do anything with a kid. Take my niece out to the zoo? Look after a girlfriend’s kids for a while she has a date? Even just walk through a park that has a playground? Oh boy, the looks I get. Obviously, any man having anything to do with a kid he didn’t father must be a kidnapper or a pedophile or whatnot. I want to tell these parents who shield their kids from me, “Look, it is a statistical near-certainty that if your kid is molested, it will be by you or someone you trust. If your kid is kidnapped, chances are actually above 99% it’s by you or someone you trust. All the math says your kid would actually be safer eating candy in my van than at home with you, your family, and everyone else who’s more likely to hurt them than some random bald-headed stranger.” But that would be rude, and then they’d ask why I even have a van full of candy, and it gets awkward.
None of these things exactly wreck my day. I’m a mature adult (with a surprising amount of candy) and I can handle some tasteless jokes, some wary looks, and the goddamn restaurant check. But Jesus H. Christ in a highball glass, it adds up. It wears on a fella. It gets to where some days I just want to stagger home and write a long, snarky post with a lot of cussing.
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Photo credit: Pixabay
Then there’s the general, nebulous, atmosphere-penetrating “emotional fortitude” microaggression from both family and strangers. For some reason I’m supposed to be emotionally responsible for women; be more prepared to take a punch to the benefit of any woman I happen to interact with. It just hangs there in the air like Damocles’ Sword waiting to fall on me. If I actually paid attention to it I’d have to be carted off to the mental home.
I really liked this. I like getting to see what affects men. As a woman, being friends with women, I know what affects us but have only been able to assume what affects men. One thing that bothers me comes with the male supplement industry. There was a commercial last year, I think it was called “Nugenix,” and their way of advertising was asking men if they “felt less like men,” recently. It prided itself on male stereotypes and self esteem. It broke my heart because I imagined a man with maybe suffering self esteem and this hitting him right… Read more »
There are certain things I’ve noticed in my life, which I would include. 1. An assumption that your going to carry things. A went on a service call with a woman from work. She handed me her laptop and cables she uses to connect to an electronic sign. About half way there I asked why am I carrying the equipment. She had this exasperated look and replied your supposed to be the man and hit me. 2. That takes me to the “play” slap that’s supposed to signal displeasure. I saw a guy do that to a woman once and… Read more »
Debaser: It started to eat your comments! And then I figured your comments were going to lead to an incredibly wanky and awful discussion of whether Pharyngula is an awful blog! Which is not even on-topic! So I’m leaving them there.
So I can post here on this thread but not the Pharyngula thread? What gives?
is this thing on?
Society is just full of these micro (and apparently not so micro)-aggravations and you’re absolutely right, it wears you down over time; once you see it, you can’t unsee it. What I find particularly irritating is my own reaction, I’ll let these things build up over time until I’ll just snap at one of them at which point, of course, I’m over-reacting. *sigh* Coping strategies gratefully received!
Also, there is a special place in hell for anyone who uses the term “man-flu”.
I’m once again glad that I live in a country where honorifics aren’t used
Maybe the waiter calls all adult female patrons Mrs. I figure we should do away with the arbitrary “old maid-y” distinction of Miss vs Mrs. Some will find offense if they’re referred to as Miss or Mrs both, because one implies they’re old maids and the other implies they’re old period. Gotta love catch-22 stuff. I suppose that’s possible. But the fact that it’s the single time in my life that I’ve been called “Mrs.” makes me a bit suspicious. (Particularly considering that calling me “adult” still somewhat borderline; I was 19 at the time and look young enough for… Read more »
““Thank you, Mrs. [my last name]“. Because it’s unthinkable that the girl would ever pay on a date, so obviously the only reason I’d be picking up the bill is that we were married? Even though we we’re in a college town and pretty clearly look like college kids?” Maybe the waiter calls all adult female patrons Mrs. I figure we should do away with the arbitrary “old maid-y” distinction of Miss vs Mrs. Some will find offense if they’re referred to as Miss or Mrs both, because one implies they’re old maids and the other implies they’re old period.… Read more »
Re: the credit card thing. I dealt with a version of this one time I went out to dinner with my boyfriend last year. So I pick up the bill (and I suspect they initially handed it to him; that part is so ubiquitous it didn’t really even pay attention). The waiter is observant enough to hand my credit card back to me – while telling me, “Thank you, Mrs. [my last name]”. Because it’s unthinkable that the girl would ever pay on a date, so obviously the only reason I’d be picking up the bill is that we were… Read more »
I love the concept of micro agressions and want to explore it further. I think it may be some primitive jostling for position in the pecking order. I hope that some day the jokes about performative masculinity will be about how silly it is. I saw one episode of the new Tim Allen sitcom and he seems to be a silly caricature. But I don’t know, maybe people will quote him for truth. Or ironically. It tends to make me crazy when people quote jerks ironically. Certainly when that is done in text it becomes difficult to separate the mock… Read more »
That makes sense Hugh…I see now, thanks. People do flat out say it though but they are rare. And people really do call security and police on fathers, that isn’t micro.
Debaser – the idea itself isn’t “micro”, but it is often conveyed subtly through micro-comments or actions often from people who would never dream of standing up and saying “Men can’t look after kids / a house”
Regarding men and domestic work. I am a stay at home dad. The notion that I can’t raise kids, cook, or clean is not “micro aggression”. It’s the equivalent of society telling women they can’t cut it in college or at work. That they are incapable of doing these things because they are women. Micro? Or rage inducing? It’s not just a random thoughtless waiter. It’s practically all of society, from people, strangers, tv, movies, magazines, government, etc. Sorry but I get the impression that “micro” is minimizing this.
This particular subject always bothers me so much. The small everyday assumptions that people make and don’t even *know* they are being assholes. The reason it bugs me: how often do I do that to other people?
@Daisy
I read the “including but not limited to” as Ozy actually is aware of missing not only one but a whole bunch of things.
Also, akin to men hate cooking/can’t cook is the annoying, eyerolling complaints that I would never help clean up after cooking. There have been plenty of times when both men and women have said “Oh yeah, sure you like the cooking but I guarantee you don’t ever wash the dishes! Because, dudes and all! Amright?” It’s a stupid thing, but suggests that I would be sensitive or caring enough to help out with the dishes.
@Daisy: I don’t remember (or didn’t notice) the ageism incident, but that ageism (and isms in general) bother me a great deal. If you haven’t already, I recommend the Mars trilogy, by Kim Stanley Robinson, for a refreshing change of pace with regard to age. Not to spoil anything, but some of the characters in that series fool around well into their 100s — they can live that long owing to “gene repair” treatments which prolong life by making sure their genes don’t break down over time, but this doesn’t restore a youthful appearance. It does give them a (very… Read more »
Along with what other people said about cooking. It bothered me when talking about a function at work where people bring in food people just presumed that I can’t cook and just told me something simple to bring. Yeah all I had to do was a lot of cooking in front of their damn faces to finally be thought of a valid cook. Here’s one that really pissed me off, to the point that I literally could not respond because I was so in shock that she said it. In fact this might even beyond a microaggression. Female coworker A:… Read more »
“One of many expressions based on the idea that men are “always up for sex”.” Oh I hear you there my friend!! The notion that man are always up for sex gets on my nerves especially! Picture the scene if you will, a man in bed with his partner – he’s had a long and tiring day and just wants to sleep. His partner wants to get intimate but he doesn’t so he says words to the effect of “*sigh* whatever, just go ahead but please pull my pants up when you’ve finished if you’d be so kind.” She immediately… Read more »
Yeah, “guy-look” gets to me too.
@Daisy
I can’t speak for anyone else but I’m not replying directly to you because I have no idea what you’re talking about so angrily. This is a discussion about one specific prejudice out of the millions that our society is bound up in. Ageism is another. I’m particularly frustrated with systematic discrimination against people with disabilities by the health insurance system right now. But that’s not what people are talking about here. So without dismissing your grievance, I have no context for it and it looks like a derail. You mentioned another thread, but this is this thread.
Ozy, in the other thread:
Um… I am perfectly willing to call out the biases in second wave feminism, including but not limited to racism, misandry, classism, ableism, transphobia, and homophobia.
You missed one.
As I said, I should be used to it by now. But really, does this mean ageism does not even exist in your universe, or just doesn’t matter?
Is this why none of you are bothering to directly reply to me about this?
Okay, Noah, this is a very interesting discussion and all, but I think we should just stop beating around the bush with this microaggression talk and get to the point:
Where did you park the candy van?
-Jut
@JutGory: On Southeast Hawthorne, behind House of Vintage. http://www.chalk-letbus.com/
I couldn’t stop nodding and thinking “yep, that’s happened to me, and that, and that, etc.” while reading this.
No longer do I have to use the ridiculous phrase “pet peeves” when describing all the little things around me that piss me off. Welcome to my vocabulary, Microaggressions!