There are a lot of ways you can overcome the circumstances of you childhood.
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I have the most wonderful husband in the world. He’s amazing. His name is Leroy Martinez, and you may remember seeing him on season nine of the hit TV show So You Think You Can Dance. His audition was showcased and rightfully so. He is talented and had an inspiring story.
He remembers seeing his dad shoot up between his toes.
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In his audition interview, Leroy shares that he is the only male in his family that has never been locked up, hooked on drugs, or had a child outside of marriage. That’s awesome. That’s a big deal, but there’s so much more to Leroy’s story.
Leroy’s father was chronically abusive to his mother, as well as himself and his brother. Both his parents drank excessively, and both were regularly arrested. Leroy remembers sitting on the floor in the bedroom with his brother, agreeing that they would have to kill their dad if he hit their mom again. He was only five at the time. He remembers seeing his dad shoot up between his toes. He remembers porn playing on the TV regardless of who was around.
Leroy has risen above the circumstances of his birth and childhood in a big way. He has done what is so difficult for so many people. He has come to the understanding that the negative things from his childhood happened to him–they aren’t him. They are something he experienced, but they do not define his identity.
Most importantly, Leroy hasn’t repeated the pattern. An estimated 30% to 40% of children who experience abuse become abusers themselves. That’s not what happened in Leroy’s story, but it didn’t happen by accident.
There are a lot of ways you can overcome the circumstances of you childhood. Here are four that I have seen work in Leroy’s life.
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First you have to make a conscience decision to be different, to break the cycle. Whether your story is similar to Leroy’s or your history includes struggles of another kind, change doesn’t happen by accident. It takes a definite decision. Leroy did this. When he was only 15, he made the decision to never touch alcohol. He’d seen too many negative effects from drinking. He’d seen the way it led to out of control behavior, to drug use, and to violence. And he’s stuck to that decision. Your decision to not do certain things (drinking, eating fast food), or to do certain things (study harder, eat healthy, jog) isn’t going to always be easy or well accepted by others. However, it’s your decision to make, and your life it affects.
Secondly, get ready to work hard. Changing the direction of your life isn’t going to be easy. Anything worth having is worth working for. Healthy relationships are worth working for. Your dreams are worth working for. Balance and happiness are worth working for. Leroy will be the first one to tell you that he wasn’t a natural when it came to learning dance. He had to work harder, practice longer and put in double the effort than the other guys in his crew.
He never gave up, and he never stopped learning. Taking control of your destiny and rising above your past requires you to keep learning. This is especially true when you’re trying to break free from a deep family history. Doing that will require you to do something outside of the realm of your experience, something that has never been modeled for you. Don’t hesitate to get help, take classes, seek counseling, whatever you may need!
Thirdly, you have to surround yourself with the right people. The character of your friends and mentors is vitally important. Leroy often quotes the saying that you can’t fly with eagles when you’re hanging with turkeys. There’s so much truth in that statement. You need to hang out with people who are where you want to eventually be in life. Want to be an amazing artist / author / politician? Seek out artists / authors / politicians. Leroy not only wanted to be a dancer, and hung out with dancers that were more advanced and better than him; he also spent time with men that were great husbands and fathers.
The most notable, and the man Leroy says had the most influence on him was his youth pastor PJ. Pastor PJ was devoted to his family, a loving husband, and good father. He spoke into Leroy’s life throughout his teen years, and Leroy has held on to what PJ taught him. Good friends and mentors will challenge you. They’ll look you in the eye and say “You’re being stupid” if you are, and that’s what you need to hear. If the people you hang out with are comfortable with mediocrity, get new people.
I know that Leroy can and will accomplish everything he wants.
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Lastly, keep your eyes on the prize. Fix your eyes on who you want to become, what you want to accomplish, and achieving your dreams. Some of the top earners in the US will tell you that you have to have a vision. Write out a vision statement, have a vision board, share your vision out loud with others. Reminding yourself daily of your goal keeps you focused, and provides a way to check yourself.
Is this decision, that I’m about to make right now, going to positively or negatively affect my ability to achieve my goal? Will it make me a better person? Leroy is now a Zumba instructor, and he regularly shares his goals with his whole class. The most recent goal he’s shared is his desire to be a motivational speaker and Zumba instructor at high schools around the nation. He’s had some opportunities to do that and knows it’s what he’s called to do.
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I know that Leroy can and will accomplish everything he wants. I know it because he’s done so much already. He’s a great husband (he spoils me), a great step dad (couldn’t be better), and he’s come so far in dance, Zumba, and getting healthy and fit. I know that the substance abuse and violence of his childhood are just that–in his past. I know that his future is going to amazing. And I know that this can be your story too. I know that no matter what you’ve gone through it doesn’t have to define you. You can surmount it. You can heal from it. You can accomplish your dreams. I believe in you!
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Photo: Flickr/ Steve
Thank you Dad 🙂
Every word is true — I know the man and I know this couple’s great potential. Leroy’s story resonates with me as a kid who grew up in poverty in Africa and had to make tough moral choices early on in life. I am today a PhD candidate, a professor, home owner, influential speaker and consultant, but most of all — my greatest pride — is to have a family that honors God and people — my wife (Linda), a son (Nate) and his wife (Marie), and a daughter such as Tamara and a son-in-law such as Leroy!
Beautifully told and inspiring story, Tamara. I can relate to Leroy in so many ways. The tragedies of our life— the endeavors we are forced to live through when we are young, they do not define who we are. What we choose to do with our lives defines us. I had no guidance as a child. Both of my parents were abusive drunks. I chose, much like your husband, to become something more than they ever were. I vowed to not let their weaknesses become my weaknesses, but my strengths. I found ways to overcome, and to help others overcome.… Read more »
Thank you Dyllon. I wrote it from the heart, and I’m elated to know that that is coming across. I’m also pleased to know that others in similar situations agree with my advise. Blessings to you as well.