Patrick Finnegan, with words to his friend.
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To the Groom
I want to welcome you today to the ranks of all of the men who have honestly stood in this moment before you. In a sense my words here will be a kind of reading from a tome, a book men have been crafting since the beginning of time, a kind of covenant of laws we have been discovering and jotting down, noting like footprints or signposts for all who truly chose to follow.
Many males never seek this book of laws; many will never read from the pages of manhood. There are many boys who have made promises on altars they never will keep, nor intended to, but I invite you to one of those rare men who will read from the book of your manhood each every day of your life, who will turn to it again and again in times of confusion, uncertainty and even love to help you find your way.
There is not time, nor is it appropriate for me to read too long from its many wondrous pages. That is for you to discover on your own. But for a moment, I want to take it down from the shelf of your dreams, your meditations and male heritage to read a few things in celebration of this, the beginning of your journey of marriage.
Today, you join an august heritage of grandfathers, fathers, brothers and sons who have come to this moment of ceremony before you to pledge their commitment to one woman, to stand by her, shelter her and to keep her safe.
Most of those who have stood in this place before you knew as little about what that commitment would actually mean as you do now. There is no shame in that. In fact, that is the wonder of it. If you make a true commitment today, this is only the beginning. While today is your day of ceremony with your bride, tomorrow your actual wedding begins and renews itself every tomorrow thereafter.
The journey of a true marriage for a man is like many other great journeys, the journey of a hero. It is often lonely, at times confusing and fraught with no little uncertainty. The first step in making that journey is to desire to understand the job before you and listen for the calling of your spirit within that job.
Forget your expectations. Your bride will not meet them because they are the expectations of a boy. She cannot live up to such expectations, but I promise you, if you learn to love her, if you stand the long test of fortitude, skill and wisdom you are capable of, she will far exceed your expectations, beyond anything your dreamed possible and you will learn things about yourself you did not know existed.
A woman is the beginning of life; whether she actually has physical children of her own or not, that fact does not change. She is the crucible by which life can enter this world and your job is to make the world safe for her to do so. It is that simple. Children are but one form of the life she carries within her. Her true gift to the world, when she delivers it, is the very essence of spirit borne unto matter itself. It is an amazing mystery that any man can be proud to be a part of. The seed of your male spirit provides a doorway, but it is her arms or her womb that will carry that new life through the portal of time, in both pain and celebration.
Your bride is seeking a place to nurture and begin life, to fulfill the deepest calling of her nature dating back to all of the grandmothers, mothers, daughters and sisters before her. Only she is truly aware of how fragile and vulnerable that life is. In order for that life to begin, she seeks certain perfect conditions. It is up to you to ensure those conditions.
Your bride wants to lock step with you. The more noble and enlightened your direction, the deeper her trust.
You might liken the job you begin today to the planting of a tree in the garden of her spirit. Over the years your task will be to ever deepen your roots, to strengthen your firmness and footing in the earth and at the same time, to each every day lift your branches beyond your imagined capacity in exaltation and wonder to the heavens. It is this balance of rootedness within the earth and spirit uplifted to the heavens, that is the perfect condition for her to begin life.
For her to seek safety and comfort in the bower of your branches, you must not lose sight of the garden around you, of its abundant and oh so fragile nature. Too caught up in your purpose and future and you trample unwittingly on its fragile new beginnings. Too much shade of indifference beneath your limbs and she will feel cold and lonely. Too much boyish preoccupation with your need, the heat of your drives and passion and she will feel parched and waterless.
What you will learn every single day is that the right conditions for love are an ever-changing balance. It is not important you understand her fully but that you, each and every day, seek to discover her.
Discovery is reverent; it is humble, exciting and ever changing. Her purpose is to be revealed over Time itself. Don’t lock her into a moment. Trying to do so is like trying to stop the tides, hold a rainbow in your hand or capture lightning. The beauty of her nature is in its uncertainty, its mutability, its ever changing and evolving design.
Seek instead of understanding, a moment of wonder. It is men’s want to be focused on the end game, the goal, the future; but a world left with only that would be a sad place indeed. A woman changes the equation, disrupts the moment and allows the unexpected to be born.
If you are fortunate and live well, and should your death precede hers, her’s will likely be the last face you will see on this earth before you begin your long journey home. Your greatest prayer in the years to come should be that when you look up into her eyes for that one last time, all you see therein reflected is your love.
Only then will you know that even long after you pass from this earth, you will still be caring for her, still giving her shelter and shade, still whispering each and every night, “You are safe and I love you…”
And then, and only then, will you behold the Face of God…
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©2014 Patrick Finnegan Published with permission
Photo: cyann / flickr
Here’s what I would telling my friend: “Over time, perceptions of marriage in the United States have shifted from a social obligation to a decision based on personal fulfillment. This shift has been most pronounced for women who no longer rely upon marriage for financial security. Marriages based on personal fulfillment are more fragile so when love declines and constraints do not exist, infidelity and divorce are considered viable options. This study investigated newlywed women’s marital expectations along with their experiences of infidelity and expectations of divorce. Newlywed women (N = 197) married 2 years or less completed an online survey. As… Read more »
Your bride is seeking a place to nurture and begin life, to fulfill the deepest calling of her nature dating back to all of the grandmothers, mothers, daughters and sisters before her. Only she is truly aware of how fragile and vulnerable that life is. In order for that life to begin, she seeks certain perfect conditions. It is up to you to ensure those conditions. — To see how old school (and not in a good way) this sort of thinking really is, imagine it was a wedding of two men…or two women. Would anyone be assigned these sorts… Read more »
I actually think this was the complete opposite of what was or is patriarchal in our society. The patriarchal society tells men women are for loving and leaving. The patriarchal society says that men aren’t responsible for their choices, especially when it comes to sex. The patriarchal society says men dominate. The patriarchal society says men have more rights. Nothing in what was written here suggests any of that. I thought it was one of the most inspiring, beautiful things I’ve read in a long time. It did not make me feel marginlized or disrespected in the least. Quite the… Read more »