Brian Gawlak advises a wife who is wondering how to make her husband feel like a better dad.
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I love synchronicity. I just finished editing a chapter of the manuscript I’ve been working on in which I describe my first days as a stay-at-home dad with my oldest daughter literally moments before I read your question.
In the chapter, I flash back to when my wife and I met at age 19, and how we both swore we were very anti-traditional and would never marry (not just each other, but anyone), and certainly would never have children. We are both the products of broken homes with marriages that did not end well, and found the concept of parenthood “limiting.” I recall within the chapter the extraordinary terror I felt taking care of a fragile and delicate human being, while completely clueless to what I was doing and endlessly searching for the “instructions on how to parent.” I remember the unimaginable self-critic I was regarding every single thing I did “wrong,” or at less than 100%. Your question made me re-conjure those images in my mind in my attempt to empathize and relate to where your husband is coming from.
I know a lot of couples who planned exactly how many children they were going to have and were in agreement 100%. I also know an equal number of couples who were blessed with multiples, who were barren, and who did not see eye to eye when it came to the issue of how many kids to have. Do you think the issue of one wanting more children than his/her spouse is a deal breaker?
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This article originally appeared at Dear Dad. Reprinted with permission.
Photo credit: DVIDSHUB/flickr
What is clear here is that this woman married and proceeded to have children with someone who had a very different view on being a parent. I want to know does he feel ‘STUCK’?
Going by what she has said he may very well be not just stuck but trapped.
Yes, but to her credit, she was very clear to him before the wedding about becoming a mother. Then again, she IS a mother now. And being a good parent (father) to one child, doesn’t automatically requires you to get another one. I also think the parent-child dynamics are very important here, as the father is the stricter one, and the girl always comes to the mother to hold hands or sit on a lap. This is played out in many families, as the role of the stricter, or even “punishing”, parent is handed to the father. HOw many times… Read more »
I agree with the advice about getting marriage counseling. She should not think that he is supposed to change his mind. She also needs to consider the possibility that he is *right* about what he thinks and feels and maybe her point of view is a point of view, not the obvious truth. Otherwise, I’d say she already has her answer in her own letter. If what she writes is true, then she already knows the answer: “There are very few things that I want more than another child. My marriage is one…. I love him more than anything else….”… Read more »
I appreciate hearing other couple’s and family stories. I had a great father and I really attribute any good qualities I have as a father to him (my mom and wife get a lot of credit too). But despite have a great dad, its really just a blueprint attached with inclinations. You still have to make the right decisions. One thing I learned is that being a parent is a choice and being the type of parent you want to or end up being is also a choice. Its a tough one, and its a constant battle but you chose… Read more »