Online Chat 101 (PG15+ for some coarse language)
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Let me start by saying that I want you guys to succeed, hookup, find the girl of your dreams, have babies or meet that special someone who has the same cheese grater fetish you do. I am making a presumption here that you are all basically decent people that somehow you became confused about how to talk to women while using an online chat application. Honestly after seeing some, actually all, of the posts on Straight White Boys Texting I was left wondering “Holy crap, does this make any women swoon for your company… ever?” So please, for love of all that is good about civilization, enough with the “Wanna a dick pic” texts.
When it comes to texting, it’s safe to assume that most women want to see the same things in writing that you want to see when a girl flirts with you. Learn what these things are and how to use them both figuratively and literally and you will walk 1000 miles closer towards a woman becoming interested in the man behind the words. So use the following as guides when texting a woman.
- Desire (translation – She keeps looking my way)
- Allure (translation – That dress highlights all the right curves)
- Mystery (translation – What makes her stand out)
- Empathy (translation – She is listening to what I say)
- Romance (translation – She is telling me what she finds attractive, and it’s me)
- Seduction (translation – She keeps bringing attention to her lips)
For the sake of at least giving those of you who seem to have trouble with your words something to plagiarize, I have come up with 7 translations to some of the posts on Straight White Boys Texting. While they may not land you the girl, when the lady in question reads these texts she at least won’t slam the door shut with a resounding thud two seconds after you send them.
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1. Can we hookup?
Girl: Hahah why do they think you look older? But UNI is SO much better than high school, you don’t have to put up with ncea anymore.
Guy: Down to fuck?
Girl: Charming as FUCK you are
Guy: Oh why thank you, didn’t answer my question though.
What not to do – “Down to fuck?”
What to do – “I have thought about learning French at UNI, they have such beautiful words such as rendezvous, liaison and passion, don’t you think?”
This is plain seduction; you have just told her in three French words that you are interested in meeting up, being close together, sharing passion, or maybe even “down to fuck”.
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2. Can we hookup? – second attempt
Girl: Indeed
Guy: We should have sex then? Or no?
Girl: Um
Guy: I meant hang out, autocorrect…
Girl: Wow
What not to do – “We should have sex then? Or no?””
What to do – “Would you come over so we could sit at opposite ends of the couch and pretend we don’t want to be closer?”
(I found that line as a meme on someone’s Facebook, but you catch the drift.)
This is desire at its best. It’s an invitation to something more, but spiced with tension, showing that you’re attracted to the other person and you want to savor it. You only meet someone for the first time once and you want that feeling to last all night until something inside of you bursts.
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3. Can I send you a picture?
Guy: ?
Guy: Hey
What not to do – Dic Pic
What to do –Can I send you a sexy photo?
This is allure, you are putting yourself out there but please don’t feel obliged to send just a “Dic Pic”. Your camera is an amazing tool, use it properly. Imitate the statue of David, Rocky Balboa or some other famous pose, even go as far as to try and imitate some magazine covers of the opposite sex. Mix some humor, sexy and cool together or even add something silly. At the very least you can make a joke out of it, laughter is a great tool for seduction.
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4. Sexy at all costs
Guy: I hear “ur legs” and suddenly it becomes sexy
Girl: Okay
What not to do – “I hear “ur legs” and suddenly it becomes sexy”
What to do – “Oh yuck, that sounds disgusting, I wouldn’t be able to jump in a shower quick enough to wash that off me.”
There is no sexy in this conversation so don’t bother going there. In this case empathy is your best friend. Honestly you don’t have much to work with here so just listen to what she says and empathise.
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5. Lucky Charms anyone?
Guy: Btw do you like cereal?
Girl: Hahahaha that honestly sounds terrifying
Girl: Uhm doesn’t everyone like cereal
Guy: Yeah I love cereal too we should totally make out
Guy: ☺
What not to do – “Yeah I love cereal too we should totally make out”
What to do – “There’s nothing like eating cereal when you have just spent all night in someone’s company and you just want to sit, smile and enjoy the sunrise.”
What happened the night before, a night on the town, conversation, sex or something else? What are you thinking while eating cereal with a smile? Can I be a part of that? This is mystery, you either allude to something that may occur or shortcut to the happy ending. Just be prepared to answer the questions eventually or have a ready supply of “A gentleman never tells” responses.
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6. I would like better pictures please.
Girl: Depends. I do, for a price or exchange of equal value.
Girl: Like your soul in a bottle or your body for my pet demon to posess for one lifetime.
Girl: Sound Fair?
[This continues but you can see this guy has failed already]
What not to do – “Do you send nudes?”
What to do – “I’d love it, if at some point you’d be up for sending me some of your favorite photos of yourself. Graduation, beach, with friends, or whatever. I think photos are a great way to get to know somebody.”
Romance, make her feel special, make it so that she matters to you as something other than a body and you want to see the things that make her smile.
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7. Bonus Text
Girl: What….
Guy: You a virgin? Haha
Girl: ☹
What not to do – “You a virgin? Haha”
What to do – “I’m basically mentally short sighted, unattractive on the inside and I should really live underground somewhere. You really should have swiped left.”
That question particularly annoys me on many levels as I am almost positive it annoys the hell out of women. In short – It’s none of your god damn business and if she tells you it will only ever be because she trusts you, which is highly unlikely if you are using an online chat and haven’t at least dated her once.
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Photo: Flickr
Photo: Flickr
Photo: Flickr
Photo: Flickr
Photo: Flickr
Photo: Flickr
Photo: Flickr
Photo: Flickr
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