Kyle Luetters dives into his personal experience to come up with one word that is the key to everything, good or bad, in your relationships with the opposite sex.
On an average day, I would say that I read or skim through at least 15-20 articles with topics ranging from business to fitness to relational dynamics. Recently, I’ve found more and more articles pop up that mention a certain list of things, rules or steps that will ensure that you either find the correct woman, get the women you like to love you or save what you have with the one you hold so dear.
I will preface this piece by saying that I enjoy a great deal of these articles and find them very insightful.
However, I think I may have devised a simpler solution.
No lists.
Not series of steps.
Just one word
One word out there that can tie together all these stages of emotional joy and distress that we go through.
A verb that can launch you on the greatest love journey of your live or save the relationship you treasure the most from the greatest depths of despair.
Respect.
Now, before you start singing that oh so famous Aretha Franklin tune, please stay with me.
Recently, I had been thinking about a particular failed relationship in my past. The lady and I had taken the union to Hades and back a few times before we went from the “Exit Here for Happily Ever After,” to an epic fire ball that one would watch with awe as you continue on down the Interstate.
What had gone wrong?
What caused the family truckster to veer hard right and into the concrete barricade at cruising speed with little to no warning?
This very question plagued me for months.
Nothing seemed to fit.
Every puzzle piece I tried to fit to the scenario refused to comply with the alotted space.
As I was shaving one morning not too long ago, I caught myself intently staring back at the man in the mirror. Typically, I do a quick once to make sure that I haven’t caused too much damage with the razor but on this particular morning, something gave me reason to pause longer than usual.
Why I did this, I do not know.
In those precious moments, I flashed back to every wrong thing, every bump, hiccup, moment of pause and issue we ever had. It appeared that they were being assembling into a gigantic algebraic equation.
And then, I connected the dots. The result?
Respect.
This simple word, connected through tentacles to all areas of our relationship, was the reason it went up in flames.
You’re probably thinking, “there’s no way it can be that simple.” Not respecting someone’s wishes, thoughts, words or feelings can’t possibly have that much of an effect.
Oh but I think can…
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We all start out with great respect for someone new as we are just getting to know them. They have that “new relationship” smell, which is intoxicating. However, as we settle in and become more comfortable with that person, our high level of respect becomes a bit lax. Why? Is it because we get lazy and comfortable?
Possibly.
The downward spiral begins when you don’t take someone’s feelings into account before making a decision. It happens again when we casually flirt with someone else in front of them but think it does no harm. We push the respect (or lack of) boundary a little bit further each time. Over time, these small things become larger transgressions that slowly erode the foundation of the relationship.
Think of it as a drop of water. Not too powerful by its lonesome, is it? What happens, though, when you have a raging river full of tiny drops of water? You have the power to carve a canyon into the hardest of rock. Over time, enough disrespect can rot an amazing relationship to its core. You can be the catalyst for love lost. Your actions can cause you both self doubt and shred confidence. It can make it not worth fighting for anymore. At this point, walking away becomes the most bearable option.
Respect is tough for us men. We take things for granted while we have them.
A great job.
Excellent friends.
Athletic ability.
A hairline that isn’t receding.
Most importantly though, we take for granted the love of a special woman. We all have a story of the one that was amazing yet we were not prepared for her. She would have followed us around the world had we simply shown her the respect she deserved.
Many times, she gets away and we are left kicking ourselves after the fact. It’s hard to reverse the downward slide once it gets going. You get caught up in all the mistakes you (or she) has made and that momentum is hard to turn.
A select few of us get our acts together in time to realize what we’ve attracted and quickly hang on to it.
How do you avoid this? My advice is two fold: respect her and respect yourself.
Do the things that make her feel loved and appreciated. You do that by respecting her wishes and listening to her needs. She doesn’t want you talking to that ex? Don’t do it. She has an issue with what is in your web history? Clear the browser and never look again (and actually stick to it.) She worries about certain people that you hang out with? Heed her warnings because guys, when a woman gets a “feeling” about ANYTHING, it’s generally true. She raises a concern with your future life together? Listen and stay calm, even if it isn’t what you want to hear. None of this is easy. Trust me. Temptation will test you at every turn and you’ll be hard pressed to not give in. You can’t though. I believe that men and women are equal but more often than not, women look to us men to set the tone in the relationship. This is why she will most likely follow your lead here.
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You might be thinking that I am advising you to be a pushover or telling you that you’re the only one responsible here. I am not. That’s where the second part of my wisdom comes into play: learn to respect yourself and your boundaries. The same scenarios I mentioned above are applicable in a reversal of roles. Gents, respecting yourself means knowing what you deserve. Never accept being with someone because they look great on paper. That’s a cop out. They may be Barbie in the flesh but if they don’t have a high level of respect for you, you’re only setting yourself up for failure. Place boundaries around your heart and soul. Determine what is acceptable for you and what isn’t. That is true self respect: knowing just how far you will go before your morals, your intuition and experiences give you pause. And trust me, if a woman can tell that you respect yourself in this way,that you have these boundaries and standards, you will become ten times more attractive.
This is but one man’s experience. It may not be for you. The aforementioned lists or series of steps may be closer to your pace. That’s fine. Take this advice for what it is: the lessons of real life love and hardship. I truly believe that if you want to earn and keep a womans heart, her undying devotion and the warmth of her love forever, you have to begin by practicing this simple word.
Respect.
Photo: Ruths138/Flickr
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Argh, this is SO important. It’s hard to give that word the impact it deserves. For a while there, I had a run of dating the wrong kind of guy; men who behaved in ways that a concerned close friend would always describe to me as ‘disrespectful’. Her words kinda rolled off my back a bit, I’m probably too much of a soft touch sometimes, and tended to give these guys too many chances (nothing too serious, I always reached my tolerance point, just usually a little later than I should’ve). Then recently, I randomly met a guy who I… Read more »
TDMJ,
Thank you so much for sharing your story and underscoring the importance of this. All that matters now is that we go forward with this mindset.