Catherine O’Kane has been hurt and frustrated by some of her husband’s choices. But in her eyes, his strengths far outweigh his failures.
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This year you are the same age as your Dad was when he committed suicide, and I am aware that you are contemplating your life right now to some extent through that perspective. And I’m wondering what it must have been like for him to have made a decision like that, and measuring your life against his, wondering how you are the same and how you are different.
I know you know how important you are to me, and I also know there depths in you where my words haven’t reached.
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I am aware that in your worst moments you have some of the fears your Dad must have had, around whether what you have contributed makes a difference, or whether it all adds up to being a failure, or insignificant particularly to those closest to you.
I’m writing this to you publicly even though I have said most of this to you already in pieces here and there, because I want to turn up the volume on my message. I know you know how important you are to me, and I also know there depths in you where my words haven’t reached. My intention is to reach those places. If you were to die tomorrow, you would leave a huge, gaping hole in my life. Many people have been profoundly touched by you, and would feel the loss if you were gone.
You live your life with courage, you take risks, and you are willing to throw yourself into the deep end so that you can learn how to swim.
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I would equally have immense gratitude for you. You are a talented, creative spirit who is committed to believing the best about others and finding the best in yourself. I appreciate your humor, your dedication to your vision, and your willingness to do what it takes to get there, with integrity. I admire your ability to hold onto the highest thought in the middle of difficult situations.
You live your life with courage, you take risks, and you are willing to throw yourself into the deep end so that you can learn how to swim. You are energized rather than scared and defeated in the face of challenge. Those qualities are rare, and precious.
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In some moments, I am frustrated by you. In some moments, particularly in the first few years of our relationship, I have felt tremendously hurt by you, and the choices you made. But I am grateful for all that too.
I fell in love with you, and also with who I might become with you.
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When I first met you, I also met a possibility I hadn’t considered about who I am and could be. I looked in your eyes, and glimpsed the person you fell in love with. I fell in love with you, and also with who I might become with you. I have become more of that person than I might have imagined back then, and that is partly because of your faith in me.
It is also partly because you love me through all the messes we have made, and handle yourself with integrity, even when you make mistakes. You are my soft place to fall.
I am saying all of this so that you know that even your apparent failures aren’t failures. I would never have discovered what love really is without the hard times, and I like the person I have become.
I love who you have become, and are becoming. You are doing okay, Duane O’Kane. If there is a balance sheet (which there isn’t), your contribution side is over the top. I am proud of you, and I think your Dad is too. I love you.
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Photo: Courtesy of author/Catherine and husband Duane
Hi Catherine you and Duane are both inspirational. your letter is beautiful. Thank you both for the Awakening workshop and for showing that pain can be turned into purpose if we are willing to return to love. And who knows whether any one event or moment is “good” or “bad” unless we let it play out.
Hi Catherine,
Touched, 10. So beautiful.
love Sarah x
I think readers deserve to know a little more; after Catherine’s original post of her eloquent, loving letter to her husband Duane, he responded with a heartfelt, powerful public lecture; here is YouTube link: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HC6C5N_KFyE&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DHC6C5N_KFyE I have been involved with Clearmind, Catherine and Duane since the mid-nineties, and have never before met a couple who teach by sharing their own struggles. An apt quote from A Course in Miracles is this: “Yet reason sees a holy relationship as what it is; a common state of mind, where both give errors gladly to correction, that both may happily be healed as… Read more »
Thank you Catherine for your warm insightful and open expression of unconditional love, Thank you Duane for all that your beautiful soul mate acknowleges in you. x m
Catherine,
My gratitude for your insights and eloquent ways of expressing yourself conitinues to grow. Thank you so much for this article!
Catherine,
This is simply lovely. The depth of your reflection and introspection is beautiful.
We men need to hear this from our wives and girlfriends. In essence, we need to know that we matter to you.
Thank you!
Dearest Catherine
What a gift you are, to me, to us, to the world!
Tony and I have just read this together..him sat on my knee. We ‘get it’ (although we forget we do at times) and are deeply privileged to be walking our walk alongside you and Duane. I love this website – Tony has signed up for the daily emails!
We love you x
Amanda and Tony
I agree… too often we withold our love and appreciation because we fear it gives the other too much power. And, too often words like these are spoken only after someone dies or leaves. The risk of being vulnerable and expressing love is worth it!
Dear Catherine,
Now THAT’s what I’m talking about! Beautiful. Strong. Sensual. Authentic. Woman!
I love your message and how it can empower other women to follow in your footsteps.
Last night I did an interview with and for the “Evolved Woman” and it turned out to be a blast!
It gets a little edgy, but women seem to LIKE edgy. ;^)
3 Secrets of Your Feminine Power (and secrets about men)
http://www.thislifeintentional.com/your-feminine-power/
thank you Steve! I hope it does encourage women and men to be vulnerable and express their love.
This is breathtakingly beautiful. I truly believe that unless I had worked with you and Duane, I would never have become the woman I am today, and would not have a CLUE about how to be in relationship.
Thank you for experessing your heart so undefendedly.
Love
Elloa x
Big love to you Elloa!