Sarah Suzuki on how psychology and feminism need to work together to understand both men and women.
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My field, psychology, is doing a terrible disservice to men.
Hear me out.
I am a feminist. I acknowledge and realize all of the ways in which our society continues to oppress women, to hold them to impossible double-standards, to invalidate their feelings and experiences, and to limit their opportunities. The work in empowering women is hardly done, and in many ways has just gotten started.
An important aspect of feminism, however, is realizing ALL of the ways in which gender norms, standards, and societal expectations affect our society. This means taking into full account the lived experience of men, as well as transgender and intersex individuals.
Why focus on men? After all, our society in the USA is patriarchal, with a hierarchy dominated by men, with male standards dictating our culture, laws, and systems.
The problem is that, in focusing on male privilege and patriarchy, we have inadvertently neglected men in the field of psychology. Are most studies in psychology based historically on experiments with men, specifically, white men? Yep. And that is not cool. To what extent, however, are we as a field of professionals taking into account the specific needs of men in need of counseling, and having that inform our actual practice?
Our tendency to judge and exclude “perpetrators” and to sympathize with and support “victims” is inherently based on the assumption of men-as-perpetrators, and women-as-survivors. What this does is limit our ability to see when the roles are actually reversed, or in taking time to understand the context of our clients’ lives. It also limits our perception of abuse in same-sex relationships, as we tend to apply similar gender norms on an often unconscious level.
The implications are far-reaching. Men don’t want to go to couples counseling because they (often incorrectly) assume that the therapist will “side” with the female partner. Men avoid going to therapists in general because the message has been communicated by our society that their needs are less-than: they should solve their own problems, pull up their own bootstraps, and man-up. They want our validation, but are afraid that we only want to validate women.
Imagine that you are a man looking for help. You do a Google search: “counseling for men.” What pops up? That certainly depends on where you conduct your search. Here in Chicago, you get a list of articles about men “avoiding” counseling, and the reasons they pathologically try to solve their own problems. You get articles about how the psychology of masculinity is a barrier.
There is truth to that – and yet, the stance of viewing men as the problem to helping themselves does a disservice to men. We have failed to make counseling seem accessible, reasonable, or even appealing. Men feel they have to choose between Oprah and Dr. Phil if they want to get help.
Rather than pathologize masculinity, we need to better understand it and change the way we practice. We need to challenge ourselves to have as much empathy and compassion for the acting-out behaviors we tend to associate with masculinity (drinking and drugging in public/fighting/legal problems) as we do for the acting-in behaviors we tend to associate with femininity (cutting/ eating disorders/drinking and drugging at home).
Feminism is about freeing all humans from the restrictive, oppressive norms we impose on ourselves. It’s time to get radical and honest about the way we practice, and who we inadvertently exclude from getting help.
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This article originally appeared on Drink Like A Man
Photo credit: Getty Images
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Wiki on Equity versus Gender Feminism: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Who_Stole_Feminism%3F
Thank you for your thoughtful replies. I actually love Christina Hoff Summers’ work – yet she is not taken seriously by most feminists, and she has many valid criticisms of today’s feminism that I agree with wholeheartedly. She does not refer to a “patriarchy”, nor does she infantalize women, nor accept the memes of constant victimhood and rape culture, nor does she fail to see how society can disadvantage men as well as women. Her book “The war against boys” was revolutionary in its time. If this is the sort of feminism you espouse, I think you are more likely… Read more »
Thank you, Jeremy. I was talking with my husband yesterday about feeling really torn after reading these comments about the fact that I used the term patriarchy, quite deliberately, to “hook” in the feminists that I hope to take to task.
I 100% believe that Christina Hoff Sommers is a feminist, and the feminists who tell her that she is not are guilty of committing the same kind of perpetration feminism really is against. It boggles the mind. Best to all, SS
“I understand completely why any of you would assume that I am rubbing my hands together, plotting vengeance when I see a male client scheduled on my calendar for the day.” Do you really believe that they are ‘assuming’ that to begin with? I’m not sure how tongue-in-cheek you meant that, and I can’t speak for anyone else, but I think it’s just an old straw-man, or a grotesque, ridiculous stereotype/caricature (the ‘ever-paranoid anti-feminist’ who hence pictures all feminists as man-hating schemers) to assume that anyone or everyone who is reluctant, skeptical, or otherwise non-feminist thus also, by default, assumes that… Read more »
This is a well-thought out and eloquent reply, Mostly_123. I would just add that almost all therapists I know in private practice claim that they are non-judgmental, self-aware, and unbiased. Part of my call-to-action I hope to invoke in them is to claim and scrutinize their biases, ESPECIALLY because many of them make assumptions that go without question because they think they are unaffected by their personal beliefs. Saying that I am a feminist is like saying that I believe in a certain brand of politics, presidential candidate, or economic policy; no matter what, I go into my relationship with… Read more »
For me, I’d be concerned if any one brought personal ideology into their profession. Should we have pharmacists who won’t dispense birth control because it violates their religious beliefs? There was a lawyer who passed the bar, but wasn’t allowed to practice law because he was a member of the KKK and the governing body didn’t think his ideology would allow him to provide adequate representation to minorities. The thought of people incorporating political ideology into their professional medical practice is disturbing. @ D I don’t think your therapist was good despite being a feminist. Neither do I think she… Read more »
Yes, I agree, and I probably should have said that I don’t think her personal beliefs on feminism inherently make her a BETTER therapist in the general sense – though it is likely a boon for patients with similar beliefs. I just wanted to emphasize that it isn’t a hindrance. Based on my experiences, empathy is the single most important trait for general psychotherapy (talk therapy etc.), while CBT requires both empathy and objectivity. *This is purely from a patients point of view, I make no claim towards being educated in psychology beyond learning about my own condition / circumstances.… Read more »
Thank you for these insightful, raw, and generally unfiltered comments (hate it when stuff gets filtered out). I think that a lot has been said *in the name of feminism* that has been used as a weapon AGAINST men rather than for men. There are a few feminists out there who believe that feminism is about freeing men from judgment as being an integral piece to freeing women from judgment. I am so excited to see people talking about this and grateful for the comments. I understand completely why any of you would assume that I am rubbing my hands… Read more »
Sarah, I have no doubt that your intentions are good, and that you harbor no malevolence toward men. Nor do I think that most feminists harbor such malevolence. Rather, I observe that the feminist ideology leads to blindspots – blindspots that I see in your writing. And these blindspots are so pervasive that you believe that people who disagree with feminism must be jaded due to their own personal history. This just isn’t true. Please bear with me, as I give you an example from your own writing: You wrote that society affects women by limiting their choices (among other… Read more »
Good point – looking at the refugee crisis, time and time again we are being told that people fleeing are “young men of fighting age” as though as men they have a duty to stay behind and fight. Often these are women, and feminists, deciding for men that these men should die in defence of their countries.
Some feminists do not want to liberate men from their traditional gender roles it seems. The “Real Man” narrative still apples – be strong, brave and prepared to pick up a gun at any time.
Could not agree more with this statement: “woman who chooses to stay home MUST have someone supporting her – someone who works full-time and lacks her ability to make choices. Women who withdraw from the workforce rely on the fact that their husbands will not lose attraction to them or view them as less because they aren’t working. And this generally proves true. But the reverse is NOT true. Men who do not work are not viewed as attractive by women (see divorce stats for proof).” Maybe part of where I’m failing to communicate (or created a grossly unintended impact… Read more »
“Rather than pathologize masculinity, we need to better understand it and change the way we practice. We need to challenge ourselves to have as much empathy and compassion for the acting-out behaviors we tend to associate with masculinity (drinking and drugging in public/fighting/legal problems) as we do for the acting-in behaviors we tend to associate with femininity (cutting/ eating disorders/drinking and drugging at home).”
A thought occurs-
Generalizing (or overgeneralizing) behavior by gender (or gendered assumptions) is as much a dead-end or non-starter as is pathologizing masculinity.
@Mostly_123, you wrote: “Generalizing (or overgeneralizing) behavior by gender (or gendered assumptions) is as much a dead-end or non-starter as is pathologizing masculinity.” I don’t necessarily agree with this. On the one hand, individuals are all different, and broad generalizations don’t necessarily apply to any given person. On the other hand, certain trends are apparent when it comes to psychological gender differences. One of the biggest differences, as I alluded to above, is the stress response – “fight or flight’ in males, versus “tend and befriend” in females. The difference in this stress response explains so much about how (and… Read more »
Sorry, women cope better with divorce because of spousal support and child support!
“Certain trends are apparent when it comes to psychological gender differences. One of the biggest differences, as I alluded to above, is the stress response – “fight or flight’ in males, versus “tend and befriend” in females. The difference in this stress response explains so much about how (and why) men and women behave differently. How women build support networks of female friends and family, and reduce their stresses by talking and emoting…while men generally don’t.” I don’t necessarily or fully agree with the implications though- men and women don’t always do behave differently, and when they do and when… Read more »
Obviously my own experiences aren’t an indicator for the overall relationship between men and psychology, but having gone to therapy for most of my twenties now (long term for coping with a chronic illness, intermittently for depression and graduate school (AKA depression)), I cannot think of an instance where, as a cis-hetero male, I felt neglected, disserviced, misunderstood, etc. Possibly I’m just good at choosing therapists, but I’ve never felt that the female therapists I’ve seen treated me with any reduced care or efficacy. One at the university health center wasn’t particularly GOOD, but she was also free. I’ve actually… Read more »
This post has been bothering me all day, and I think I’ve finally put my finger on why. So although I’ve already commented here, I wanted to add something else. Sorry in advance for the long post. My problem with the current incarnation of feminism is that it only sees the areas where women have been traditionally powerless and men traditionally powerful in society. It refuses to acknowledge the areas where women hold the balance of power, and the negative effect that imbalance can have on men. Frankly, feminism largely refuses to acknowledge that such imbalances even exist in our… Read more »
Well stated and I totally agree. Personally, as a man I would hesitate using a female as a counselor, feminist or not.
The problem with that is that there’s not all that many male therapist around. When I went looking, only about 25% or so of the ones in my medical plan were. Since then I read in an article (no way to verify accuracy) that presently about 80% of new graduates with psychology degrees are female. When I mentioned this to my therapist, he mentioned that he noticed fewer and fewer male contemporaries in the workshops and conventions he’s attended recently.
I think you’re accurate with the percentages. We just brought on 3 interns and they are all female. It would be interesting to know why men aren’t going into the field.
M’d of course.
Ironically an article came out “Feminist Writer: Put Men in ‘Some Kind of Camp’ with ‘Wardens, of Course!’
“During the interview, Bindel was asked explicitly, “Will heterosexuality survive women’s liberation?”
“It won’t, not unless men get their act together, have their power taken from them and behave themselves.” Bindel responded.
Yeah, why don’t they just ‘snip’ us and get it over with?
Eagle, Mostly … GREAT responses! Better then the article itself.
On the one hand, it is somewhat absurd to mix the fields of psychology and feminism. On the other hand, both psychology and feminism have caused harm to men by assuming the de-facto correctness of the feminine. Psychology (and specifically psychological counselling) often relies on talking for communication. It encourages men to get in touch with their feminine side, to “talk it out”, to open up. These are natural (and enjoyable) communication styles for WOMEN, and people assume that they are for men. And they AREN’T. When women are stressed, they talk. They “tend and befriend”, which releases oxytocin in… Read more »
Do you not feel conflicted by helping men who come to you and automatically seeing them as an enemy to be toppled? Because that is exactly how it sounds and my guess is that now have a conflict of professional interest. Why do you think men choose not to engage with psychologists? It might have something to do with the “always the victim, never the perpetrator” attitude that we still apply to female wrongdoers in all walks of life. This week, and perhaps for the 50th time since my marriage started to break down, I was told by a feminist… Read more »
Arrgh! Moderated out again!
Of course, It has to do with f, so as with my simple post, will be m’d
You mean they ‘Moderate’ you out even if you’re a Gold Member? Forget it then, I’m not joining!
Yup, and to be honest with you I’m not sure why. I used to keep a copy of what I wrote so that I could try to figure out why but I stopped because it was too often and futile.
Yeah, it’s really a shame the way they’ve ‘choked off’ the debate of ideas here. It used to be much more open (as long as you were civil about it of course). I guess that’s what happens when ideaology takes over.
“I am a feminist. I acknowledge and realize all of the ways in which our society continues to oppress women, to hold them to impossible double-standards, to invalidate their feelings and experiences, and to limit their opportunities… The problem is that, in focusing on male privilege and patriarchy, we have inadvertently neglected men in the field of psychology… Rather than pathologize masculinity, we need to better understand it and change the way we practice.” There’s an inherent contradiction in all of this. Feminism is wedded to the very absolutist, sectarian notion that gender, above all, is the dividing lens through… Read more »
This is going to be rather long but bear with me. You know how to solve the dilemma of fusing feminism and psychology together? You don’t do it in the first place. Feminism and Psychology are two entirely separate entities that cannot co-exist. Psychology is an applied science designed to examine and understand the mind by establishing general principles and researching individual cases. Feminism is a political ideology that works within the frame of women’s rights. It’s not a science and doesn’t think of situations on an individual level. Moreover, feminism as practiced now does not mean equality anymore. Let… Read more »
If more feminists cared about men like you, there wouldn’t be an issue. But sadly there is too much Us vs them, and zero sum thinking in regards to resources and awareness that many of men’s issues just simply get swept under the rug.
Freeing from cultural norms….?
I dunno. Somebody said we spent ten thousand years getting it tucked in, and now we’re supposed to let it all hang out?
I guess it depends on which norms we free ourselves from. Is there a Norm Divestment offfice? Do I get my choice? Suppose somebody thinks the norm I’ve gotten myself freed from is offensive or harmful to them, or someone else?
Is there an appeals process?
I’ll believe it when I see it. I’ve seen far too many person stories of men who have tried therapy of various kinds (including personal experience) to think that this: “Men don’t want to go to couples counseling because they (often incorrectly) assume that the therapist will “side” with the female partner.” Isn’t really as incorrect as you want it to be. Feminists have spent decades trying to sweep female perpetrated violence and abuse (against men and women) under the rug because it doesn’t fit the narrative. Nope, sorry, feminists need to start earning the trust they keep demanding from… Read more »