Although relationships between gay males and straight females are more visible in pop culture, don’t underestimate the friendships between gay and straight men.
If you pay attention to pop culture, it’s clear that no self-respecting modern urban woman is without at least one good gay male friend. Though they’re celebrated in movies (My Best Friend’s Wedding, I Love You, Man) and on TV (Will & Grace), friendships between gay men and straight women aren’t just a media creation. For many women, the gay guys in their life are indispensable sources of comfort and companionship—and vice versa. One reason why these relationships seem so natural to us is that we assume (often wrongly) that they are rooted in one key common interest: men.
But there’s very little written about a type of friendship that is much more common than the culture leads us to believe: the one between two men, one gay and one straight.
Gay men have always been important figures in my life. As a boy, I took drama classes with a local theater company in my small home town. My teachers and mentors were women and gay men. These older guys were as safe as could be, as the overwhelming majority of adult gay men are. Though from the time I first hit puberty it was clear to me that I was more attracted to women than men, what I appreciated so much from these gay male mentors was that they gave me a different, broader perspective on what it could mean to be masculine.
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Roy and Alec were the two men I worked most closely with at the theater. Though both were gay and devoted to the stage, they had little else in common. Roy was stereotypically effeminate, an upper-middle-class white man with a Stanford education. He’d known he was gay since he was five and had come out to his parents while he was still in high school in the mid-’60s. Alec was from Texas, had been on his own since he was 15, and had once been married to a woman. Everyone knew Roy was gay; many were surprised to find out Alec was as well.
Just like so many other American boys, I’d grown up anxious about proving my masculinity—which, at least on the playground, meant constantly battling to prove I wasn’t a “fag.” Roy and Alec modeled, in two different ways, what it meant to be masculine without living in fear of that label. In different ways, they’d rejected the narrow straitjacket of traditional heterosexual masculinity. Invaluably, Alec and Roy broadened my understanding of what a man could be.
In doing men’s work for many years, I’ve seen that my experience with these two mentors was not unique. I’ve also seen friendships between gay and straight men endure and thrive in ways that go unseen in the culture. Time and again, I’ve heard guys talk about how “rare and special” these relationships are. Perhaps, though, they’re less rare than we think.
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There seem to be two predictable obstacles to friendship between gay and straight men. First, of course, is the “sex thing.” Many straight guys worry that their gay friends are or
might be sexually attracted to them. My friend Cole is straight, and often played basketball with a group of buddies, of whom two were gay. They changed and showered in the same locker room after their games. Cole often wondered how his gay buddies handled seeing so many naked men. “I know if I were in the women’s locker, seeing a lot of good-looking women naked, I’d be turned on. I figured it had to the same for gay guys, and the thought creeped me out.”
But as Cole found out when he finally asked, most gay men in our culture grow up surrounded by naked male bodies. They tend to learn to separate nudity from sexuality in a way that straight men don’t. (Ask anyone who grew up in a nudist family, and they’ll tell you the same thing.) Though some gay men are attracted to their straight friends, many aren’t. And those that are are usually very good at keeping that attraction boxed away so that it cannot hurt the friendship.
Gay men have their own fears about straight men. Boys who come out as gay—or are suspected of being gay—are often mercilessly tormented, with the worst of the abuse coming from heterosexual guys. Because American culture sets up masculinity and homosexuality as polar opposites, boys who want to prove their manhood must reject the “faggot” label and all that comes with it. That rejection often shows up in verbal and physical violence against anyone suspected of being gay.
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The scars left by that kind of harassment are lasting. Shawn has been one of my friends since grad school in the late ’80s. He and I grew close slowly and hesitantly. I asked him recently about this topic.
“It was and still is hard for me to trust straight men,” he told me. “They often seem open to friendship, but if you start to get close, they invariably have a ‘freak-out moment’ and pull away. That gets old fast. So I’m cautious.”
Shawn told me that on more than one occasion, it’s been a buddy’s girlfriend or wife who’s put the brakes on the friendship. “In Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, women always appear eager to have their guys made over by the Fab Five. But I’ve found in real life some women are as insecure about their boyfriends or husbands being friends with gay men as they might be about their partners being close friends with other women.” It’s not just male-female platonic relationships that get damaged by the myth that male lust will destroy any friendship in which it has the possibility to arise.
But despite the obstacles, these relationships persevere. Though there’s a lot of anecdotal evidence that they are more common among so-called Millennials (who are demonstrably less homophobic in their attitudes than older guys), gay/straight male friendships aren’t limited to those too young to remember the Reagan administration.
Shawn, who married his husband during the brief period in 2008 when gay marriage was legal in California, calls me his “other brother.” That’s a fine term, I think, for an enduring and devoted friendship. And we need more of these brother bonds between gay and straight men. Part of building a healthier masculinity lies in rejecting the “fear of faggotry” that has been so central to American men’s lives for so long. Nurturing and honoring close and lasting friendships with our “other brothers” is an essential way to accomplish that.
—Photo watchsmart/Flickr
About Hugo Schwyzer
Hugo, this is like what feminist writers do, they watch tv and movies and the write about the stereotypes as if they are real life. Of course some women have gay male friends and straight men that have gay male friends but…
“It would shock many regulars at ‘The Spe@rhead’ to know just how little regard gay men and women of all stripes have for each other. There seems to be some stereotype which gets perpetrated in the media (watch any reality show or chick movie) in which women always have some sycophantic fag hanging on her every word and enabling all of her drama crap.
Like everyone else, I can only speak about my own life, experiences and observations. To begin with, I have very few women friends for the following reasons:- As a gay man, there is nothing a woman can get from me. I have nothing any of them want. I can’t be manipulated, controlled or strung along with bs promises of sex. So, serving no purpose to them, I am invisible.
- Because I want nothing from them, I don’t have to put up with any of their shit. They will be pulled up for flaky, selfish and unreasonable behaviour. They don’t like that at all. Women seem to be strangers to criticism. What are they going to do? Accuse me of being gay? Code Pink? Check-mate bitch!
- I am now in my 40′s and have seen so many of my straight male friends hurt, betrayed and defrauded by seemingly ‘nice’ females, that I can no longer trust them at all. I have a straight twin brother who has been through chick hell. He has always accepted and supported me every day of my life and I return that support. So, I have introduced him to men’s rights blogs. The shared experiences of all types of men has been both strengthening and inspiring for both of us. Wish you were here 20 years ago!
- I am always deeply angered when any female assumes that I will side with her when some dispute arises. Firstly, I don’t like being involved with other people’s shit. Secondly, it is always the woman who is in the wrong anyway (and I do mean always). Finally, gay or not, I am a man and identify with men as I experience life from a male perspective.
- I have been able to view many women in their unguarded moments and it is not a pretty sight. I am so disgusted by their lack of honesty, loyalty and integrity that I no longer choose to be in their company (except for a very small number – and I would never entirely trust any of them).
None of my gay male friends like or trust women either. Dealing with them in the workplace makes for many funny stories. God they hate fags! They can’t even get you for sexual harrassment. None of their feminatrix fanoodlings have any leeway when it comes to dealing with us – and it drives them fucking spare – fun to watch. Never occurs to them just to be human beings who do their jobs properly.
This has been a bit off-topic, but I wanted to make clear that while the mangina/female apologist tag may be spot-on for many gay men, it certainly doesn’t include a huge % of gay men. Many of us are just as sick-to-fucking-death of entitlement bitches refusing to take responsiblilty and fucking over decent men (our fathers, brothers, nephews and friends). There but for the grace of God…
Finally, gay men and homely feminist hamburger critics (I mean, really?!) are no more likely to see eye-to-eye on body image issues than any other topics – and that includes the cruel obsenity that feminism has become.
Don’t give up guys. Your support is much wider than you ever suspected.
Interesting that you took an article focusing on bonds between men to rant about how much you hate women.
I wonder whether he’s a troll posting here to reinforce the stereotype that homosexuals hate/dislike individuals of the other gender.
You generalize a lot.
Those negative characteristics that you have alluded to only women can be found found in both men and women and that is an obvious fact of life.How you cannot see that eludes me.
I have met far more pro-Feminist gay men (and I am one of them) than guys like you,and have met more homophobic men than women.So I cannot agree with much of what you have said,based on my experiences.By the way,most Feminists I’ve met seem to be more open-minded when it comes to homosexuality than those ‘men’s rights’ chaps you talk about.
Damn some people and their unbalanced soapboxes (senegal you’re a misogynist, own it and seek help from a licensed therapist). I liked the article and think that in the urban areas gay men tend to have gay male friends and straight women friends, straight women BECAUSE there are no complications or conflicts of interest and the association benefits both. They are the “safest” friends for each to have… neither having any chance in hell of screwing the other over by boinking their respective bf’s.
I now live in a smaller city and am out at work. Friendship seems more fluid now, and I have straight friends and gay friends, male and female.
Sennegal, My belief (and hope for you) is that you are one hell of a TROLL. Otherwise, you are seriously a f*cked up misogynist twit. The only thing you and I have in common is that we have a penis. And politeness and decorum prohibit me from telling you what you should do with yours.
Agreed. I was scared to death of heterosexual guys – still kinda getting over them (or myself) in a way.
Several of my friends are gay, as is my younger brother. They have not shown me any “different, broader perspective on what it could mean to be masculine” as none of them conform to any stereotypes around gay behavior. They are no different any other men or boys I have met, with the exception that they have sex with other males. I value my relationships with them, but for some superficial reason involving politics, but because these are people who I care about.
As for straight men’s fear about sex, part of that may come from our cultural conflation of sex with nudity. Another aspect is may come from fear of abuse. A number of straight men I know who were sexually abused have avoided friendships with gay men out of fear that they would be assaulted again. I have also heard this sort of thing in random conversations. To an extent, the fear is mutual, which does not help matters.
Jacobtk, while certainly gay men are much more than a handful of stereotypes, the “sex with other males” is something that is not part of the traditional masculine stereotype: red-blooded Real Men chase skirts, not pants. That’s why slang about same-sex rape uses terms about making the victim “my woman” or “my bitch”.
It’s certainly true that there are straight men who are reacting, unfortunately but understandably, out of abuse, but there are also straight men who simply see sex as predatory – just that in their view, the natural order is man chases woman, and without gender markers suddenly there is nothing to prevent *them* from being chased. These are the people who act as if every gay man in the world would like nothing more to jump them.
Jacobtk, while certainly gay men are much more than a handful of stereotypes, the “sex with other males” is something that is not part of the traditional masculine stereotype: red-blooded Real Men chase skirts, not pants.
If you only look at the masculine standard in recent history, then yes. However, “sex with other males” has very much been a part of the masculine stereotype, particularly among warrior-driven cultures. It depended more on the type of sex act committed and who was the receptive party.
That’s why slang about same-sex rape uses terms about making the victim “my woman” or “my bitch”.
It probably has more to do with the images of gay men people are most likely to see. Outside of a handful of exceptions, most of the gay men people see in the media are effeminate. Those depictions prompt the false association of male homosexuality with femininity, which is not helped by many in the gay community who appear to favor the gender-benders over the average gay person who is discernibly no different from the average straight person. Likewise, as a result of cultural norms and feminist bias, sexual violence is associated with women, so that too plays a role in the type of language used.
These are the people who act as if every gay man in the world would like nothing more to jump them.
Not unlike how some feminists act as if every straight man in the world would like nothing more to jump them, no?
I doubt that many or most straight men view sex as predatory. I think it is matter of defending their identity and sexuality. The social presumption is that if a gay man approaches a straight man, the gay man thinks the other man is gay. What you see from straight men is more a preemptive defense from questions about their sexuality.
Meaning, that the ‘active’ party was the manly one and the ‘receptive’ party was the weaker, woman-like one, and such a role was perhaps appropriate for boys or cross-dressers. Tom of Finland didn’t really have a place in the Athenian worldview.
No. I was hoping for better than reflexive “I know you are but what am I?” discourse.
Certainly there’s the protest heterosexuality view (“nobody’s gonna think I’m gay!”), but there is also the view that gay men are predatory; surely you’ve heard the stereotype that gay men seek out young boys to have sex with to “make more of their kind”.
Meaning, that the ‘active’ party was the manly one and the ‘receptive’ party was the weaker, woman-like one, and such a role was perhaps appropriate for boys or cross-dressers.
Again, it depends on the culture and the act. Being on the receptive end of frottage carried a different connotation that being penetrated.
No. I was hoping for better than reflexive “I know you are but what am I?” discourse.
Then perhaps one should look out for such obvious contradictions. If you can understand why some women would make that assumption about men, then you should understand why some men would make the same assumption about gay men.
Certainly there’s the protest heterosexuality view (“nobody’s gonna think I’m gay!”), but there is also the view that gay men are predatory; surely you’ve heard the stereotype that gay men seek out young boys to have sex with to “make more of their kind”.
Yes, I have. However, that view did not randomly develop on its own or pop up over night. It probably comes from two sources: sexual violence against males and unwanted sexual advances by gay men. It may also get influenced by the gay subculture, how those gay people present themselves, and how they get presented in media. One must also keep in mind the hundreds of years of religious propaganda. It is more complicated than just straight men viewing sex or gay men as predatory.
I love this. My brother is a gay man, his childhood best friend was straight and also one of the first people he came out to. Mike (my brother) would have been lost without Jake growing up in our small southern and often bigoted small town. I attribute their relationship to a major reason my brother is the amazing person he is today.
Great post! Thank you!
Cam
My straight male friends that have had open gay male mentors/ close friends have said the experience helped them feel more comfortable with sexuality in general as well as their own. I think exposure to diverse, positive role models are incredibly important. In my experience, my initial positive role models regarding sexuality… had been gay men. Older women who loved me dearly and meant very well still tended to slut-shame and focus their advice on getting married to a “good man.” The first time someone told me that I owned my body and my sexuality and those decisions are mine and mine alone to make- was a much older gay male friend.
gg
Thanks for this great article. I often wondered why a lot of women could be afraid of a gay male and straight male friendship.It seems like women are insecure.Since men generally have a strong sex drive, women can control single men and know they have sexual power over men.However, women have no sexual power over gay men.It does not matter how beautiful a women is or sexy a gay man does not desire her.So if gay men and straight men became friends, women may be afraid men may “turn gay” and women will have no sexual power of men.It also may mean men can get their nurturing from gay men and will not or be much less emotionally dependent on women.Women are funny.They hate that many straight men are obsessed with sex but get scared that men are either secretly gay or will turn gay.
I will forever consider it a great honor to have been the first person that my brother came out to. What has surprised me is how enlightening conversations about sex that we’ve had have been, despite the fact that we are attracted to and have had experiences with different genders. I don’t think of him as less masculine, and he is in many ways a stereotypical “sassy gay friend” to a lot of girls. While I do blame him for the fact that my gaydar is shot all to hell, he’s agreed to be my kids’ fairy godparent when I have them.
What a lovely article. Thank you.
As a straight guy with a very dear, gay male friend, I can certainly attest to the truth of this article. This friendship has helped me, in more ways than I probably even realize, to be a better man.
Great article.
Hugo, thank you for such an insightful article. I’ve read it twice in the past two weeks. Going to forward it to my (straight) physician with whom I get along so well, and see what he thinks, because I would love to have lunch with him and shoot the s&*t..
Kudos
Harry
As a gay kid and teenager I didn’t have friends. Today in my early 20s I have a few good friends, and 3 of them are straight guys. It was always easier to make friends with girls. So I am still surprised by the fact that my most rewarding friendships today are with straight guys. I have a few good gay friends who live far away from me, and only one gay friend physically. We’ve been friends for years but he is shallow and narcissistic and never took the time to get to know the real me. I get so much more on a personal level from my straight friends. So yeah, it’s possible to be friends with straight guys, you just gotta find the right ones.
Great article. I have many straight male friends and I love them dearly. My straight girlfriends are so awesome too. The one thing that is so important is that we love and respect each other mutually and we don’t get our minds in each other’s bedroom. I am truly fortunate to have them in my kookoo life.
As for “senegal”, SHUT THE F** UP!!!
You are the mess that chose to hang out with mess.
Sort your life out and try to be kind, supportive, understanding and for God’s sake, PULL THE TAMPON OUT!!!