What do you do when you’re pushing away the person you love even though you realize what you’re doing?
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You probably don’t know me, but I’m in a relationship with one of the hottest girls in the world. I hate to use the word “hot,” but when I see her, I feel instant electricity. She takes my breath away without even uttering a word. This has been great, but also a major struggle as I try to grow closer to her.
When I thought the relationship was over, it felt like someone was pulling out my insides.
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I find myself battling issues I’ve never had in my previous relationships. I’m struggling with things that I know I’m better than, but the control over these struggles seems out of my reach. I keep telling myself “don’t do it, you’ll push her away,” yet, before I can think, I end up doing it.
On a few occasions, I thought I pushed too hard and pushed her away. When I thought the relationship was over, it felt like someone was pulling out my insides. Today, we are in a great place. Our love grows daily, and we’re putting in the work to make love last. These were the issues I had to overcome to find happiness with the person I love with everything in me.
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My constant need for attention.
Sometimes I’m a big baby. We have kids, and they need her attention, sometimes I throw myself a little pity party at the lack of attention she’s giving me. I listen to some sad love songs on YouTube and put on a pouty face until she notices. When she does, I explode with nonsense. Yes, this is me admitting it publicly. I know this isn’t sexier or how to attract her more, but I do it. It’s taken me realizing that I’m not the center of the universe, and the kids have needs from both of us. I have to focus on my “why.”
Yes, it feels good to get attention from someone you love. Yes, we wish we could get that attention all the time, but that’s not a reality. The best relationships are when you have each other but also have your identities. You can’t get so lost in the relationship that you lose who you are. You have to be a strong independent man who has his things going on. Distract yourself from needing attention by giving your attention to the things that will help you and your partner live a better life.
Getting angry at the little things.
Sometimes I wonder if I need to see a doctor. One minute I’m happy and the next I’m getting mad over the dumbest things. I think I get mad because of my perceived lack of attention, but whatever the case is—it’s completely uncalled for. At that moment, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I let the anger pass through me as I breathe deeply and focus. Sometimes I throw on some music.
There are many things that you could get mad about in your relationship, but most of them aren’t worth the stress. It’s important to talk through your struggles, but some things aren’t worth getting mad about or bringing up. Work through it on your own by realizing that it’s not important and not something you’ll care about years from now.
Not being honest about how I feel.
I have the bad habit of holding everything all inside and exploding at random moments. I try to put on a smile and act like everything is okay while I’m burning up inside. I’ve been learning to get honest about the important feelings. I can filter through the little stuff, but for the biggies, I talk to the love of my life. Every time I do, we can work through it without me coming off like a crazy man. Guys, it’s not considered manly to share your feelings, but it might be one of the manliest things you do in your relationship. Ignore what’s common and get honest in a way that helps you get closer to the person you love.
Making sex a bigger priority than it needs to be.
I LOVE sex—like maybe too much. My love feels the same but maybe not as strongly as I do—not sure. But, when we don’t have as much sex as I think we should have, I get goofy. I go back to my pouty ways, and it’s a complete turn-off to her. I have been working on curving my urges by becoming a better lover. Instead of having more sex, I’ve focused on better sex through me understanding her more.
Sex is important in a relationship, but it’s not the only important thing. Yes, you want to have enough, but it can’t consume you. Focus on making the times you do make love quality. Focus on what you can do to pleasure your partner more and it’s possible they’ll naturally want more of the good stuff.
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There’s nothing sexier than a confident man. You can be confident when you put in the daily grind to be better.
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You may be with your “hot girl” and are blowing it. The good thing is that the relationship can probably be saved. I know how hard it is to fight what naturally comes out. You react in the moment and feel like you can’t control it—you can.
Yes, it will take time, but more than that, it takes doing the inner work. It takes focusing on becoming the best version of you. When you can become stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally, you can have the confidence to beat those struggles in your mind.
There’s nothing sexier than a confident man. You can be confident when you put in the daily grind to be better. As you work on yourself, you will work through your struggles and attractive your love every day and all over again. This person is special and worth fighting for—be willing to fight.
How do you get over any personal struggles that push your partner away?
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo: Flickr/ Ed Yourdon
“putting in the work to make love last.” Amen! Love is only a feeling in the beginning; if you want long-term bliss, love is a choice. I also struggle with the need for approval, not only from my husband, but from everyone around me. I think the past plays a huge part in this, but I’m learning to let go of those ghosts. It takes a lot of hard work, and yes, counseling too. But I would add that there’s a fine line between wanting too much attention/approval and not needing your partner at all. When I felt like my… Read more »
I am an ENTP personality. My boyfriend is ENTJ. When he comes home from work feeling hassled, he watches television. This is his tertiary thought function, Extraverted Sensing, at work. When I come home from work feeling hassled, I want to use my tertiary function, Extraverted Feeling, and want to talk about how I’m feeling. The conflict comes up with my BF doesn’t have the chance to sit down at the TV to relax. He becomes short and exasperated. When this happens, I tell him to take a time out and use his secondary function, Introverted Intuition, to get a… Read more »
I used to to believe that relationship is about two dfferent people who commited to grow,share,give,accept to each other.Such a difficult &delicate work and need the humble mentality, when we got corrected or to confess our weakness/fault.Also need to deep willingness to forgive & support our partner who lacking in stuff that we able more. So Love seems so simple to start it but deffinately is a complex work when we intent to grew it as a Relationship. Its hard job to me, even been years of my age & I hve couple serious chances to work on it.Many experience… Read more »
Unfortunately, love isn’t enough to make a relationship work. You can love someone and be incompatible. I think it’s best to communicate our feelings to our partner(s) in open, direct, and honest ways. If we discover an incompatibility, then there’s no workable solution, and we have to decide for ourselves if it’s tolerable or not.
I wish I could say I had your problems! LOL! But in the spirit of sharing, and answering your last question… The biggest problem I have is a personality clash around social activity. I love going out, (used to) have lots of friends, and love going to movies, dinners, parties, concerts. I used to host, or co-host big house parties, and even helped organize warehouse parties for 800, and renting out IMAX for myself and 200 of my closest friends. You get the idea. My girlfriend is the exact opposite, and it took me years to fully discover. When we… Read more »
Does she have social anxiety? Does she want help with it? I can help.
I really do feel for you, Anthony. That’s why I really hate to say this. But I think you are going to come to a clash because of this, if you haven’t already. Yes, the article says that we need to “Focus on what you can do to pleasure your partner more”. But it also says we need to be true to ourself and not lose ourself in order to please our partner. Take care, and at least try to work out some kind of compromise where you can enjoy your way of life without being stuck pampering to her… Read more »