Aly Windsor realizes that “He’s all boy” is ok with her.
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Recently, I took my two and a half year old, Avie, to a Toddler Music and Movement class that, thanks to him, devolved into something more like Toddler Music and Mosh Pit. Most of the other kids were girls who twirled or held hands in groups of three or four and happily, dreamily, skipped around in circles while music played. Avie stomped, put his hands on the floor and kicked one foot up in his classic “trick” pose, ran around in his own circles wind-milling his arms, and finally, purposefully, crashed into one of the girl groups and knocked them down. Too far away to intervene in time, I watched in horror as I recognized the following flicker of cognition in Avie’s eyes. He saw the girl pile on the floor as a perfect opportunity for a pile-on. So, without further ado, he flopped right on top. You can imagine how well this went over with the girls and their mothers.
I want to preface the rest of this by saying that I’m a parenting agnostic. After three years of poring over “expert” opinions, searching online forums, reading mommy blogs, chatting tentatively with other parents in real life, joining and fleeing a parenting cult or two, engaging in fierce Facebook battles, and amassing thousands of hours of personal experience, I’m done. For me, there is no right way and no infallible guru or philosophy. There are plenty of theories and plenty of critics. Every day I realize more and more how much of what I do as a parent is experimental. What worked yesterday might not work today or next week. I’ve got my guiding principles but otherwise it’s all improv, and sometimes, oftentimes, a whole lot of flailing.
One of the guiding principles my partner and I are committed to is raising our kids with as few gender limits as possible. Our intent is not to make them genderless or feminine. We only hope that by giving Avie and his little brother, Izzy, the space and support to grow and explore who they are or want to be without oppressive expectations, gender and otherwise, we will promote a foundation of emotional health for them. (This does not mean we’re raising them without any expectations, just that we’re trying to refrain from imposing those that we believe to be oppressive.)
Most of the critical work lies ahead of us when our boys begin to absorb our culture’s pervasive rigid gender messaging at school and beyond. In the meantime, their drawers are full of colorful clothes and their toy boxes overflow with musical instruments, play kitchen gear, vehicles, Cabbage Patch dolls from my own childhood, every sort of ball, and carefully selected children’s books. When our boys get hurt or feel sad, we validate their tears and offer lots of hugs. We’re also cautious about the language we use to describe them, employing words like tough and brave sparingly, but generously calling them determined, creative, funny, and gooses. (Who knows what kind of harm that last one will do.)
So, I was a little rattled when around Avie’s 2nd birthday, a parent friend described Avie to me as “all boy,” implying that Avie was even more boy than his own son. This wasn’t the first time I’d heard someone refer to him this way but it was the first time it came from someone I trusted and who knew Avie fairly well.
I still thought of Avie as my baby then, my sweet, sometimes irascible but cuddly, little buster baby. He wasn’t even a boy to me, yet. And he definitely wasn’t more boy than other boys. But a real live masculine man and parent of another boy thought he was. And anyway, why did this bother me?
Not long after, on an extended-family vacation, Avie tumbled around with his older-but-not-much-bigger cousin, Seth, in a week-long dominance struggle. “Where’s Seth?” he asked once, holding a large metal flashlight. When asked why he wanted to know, he replied, “I want to hit him.” The family members present didn’t take him seriously until they heard Seth’s cries minutes later.
Then Avie saw the movie Puss and Boots and fixated on threatening others with “sharp things” like sticks and broom handles. Later, we joined a playgroup where I discovered that Avie was consistently the most likely to induce tears and/or injury, usually unintentionally, among the other friendly boys and girls. Then we arrived at the toddler mosh pit experience.
I began to see what my friend saw. Avie is a physical kid. He has a lot of energy, a strong will, and little fear. I love these things about him. But as I’ve watched him grow and repeatedly menace our cat with heavy objects, growl at kids on the playground, and belly-flop on girl piles, a fear that I had failed in my pursuit to nurture compassion in my older son grew too. (Briefly, I also worried that I’d born a sociopath.) I had been so convinced that, if given a compassionate family environment, boys can be just as empathetic and thoughtful and calm as girls are perceived to be.
And okay, I admit it: I was harboring a little internalized misandry. I half-consciously believed that “all boys” were only like that because they were fed steady diets of macho BS. Well, a funny thing happened. Our special aforementioned guiding principle efforts led us straight to this: a roaring, hitting, sharp thing-wielding, playground tornado, bear of a boy child (in purple pants).
And then I realized there’s nothing wrong with that.
He’s only (almost) three and a lot of kids his age, girls included, can act like wild beasts regardless of their home environments. Besides, at least one part of my failure was perception. Avie is all of the above but he is also affectionate, considerate, and sensitive. He was an early talker and sits in rapt attention for books and movies. He tells me that he loves me often, and hugs and kisses me and Izzy and his Duda (my partner) all of the time. When Avie’s feelings get hurt (and they do, easily), he’ll sit in another room and hang his head until I find him to talk it out. He picks me flowers, sings songs, tells elaborate stories, and cannot go to sleep without cuddling with one of us. I see now that most of this softer side of Avie emerges at home. Out in the world, he’s still learning how to relate to others (Heck, at 32, so am I!) and for whatever reason, be it nature or nurture or neither, he just feels most comfortable being “all boy” in public.
That realization made me feel better. But this next one knocked me for a loop. When I bristled over Avie being labeled “all boy,” it was because I was only giving him the latitude to be himself if he was who I wanted him to be. By intending to shield him from oppressive cultural standards for maleness, I was inadvertently limiting him to being anything but “all-boy” (even if only in my mind and facial expressions). But if I’m truly committed to raising our boys without gender expectations, that means accepting and valuing all outcomes, “all-boy” included.
When I shared the toddler mosh pit story on Facebook, a friend and comrade in attempting to parent outside the gender binary joked that we should come over “so Avie can hunt some game in the backyard while [her daughter] tries on dresses and bakes cookies.” I laughed and cringed, and I “liked” it.
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Originally published on the authors blog.
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Not much to say other than THIS! Could have been written by me! My Sebastian is very, very boy and it took me awhile to realize that I was actually (gently) pushing dolls upon him and hoping for him to show a softer side. But yeah, even mothers of other boys were pointing out how boyish my boy was.
I think this does put us in a position of almost greater responsibility, having a child who does happen to fit the status quo.
Great post – thanks for sharing!
“All I know is that my older son has been loud, physical, and bossy from the very start, while his little brother has been much more mellow from his get go. That to me suggests innate differences.” Sure, but it doesn’t suggest that the innate differences are down to gender, does it? Bet if the younger child was a girl, that would be the temptation. Nice article, though, and I know what you mean. I’m also doing gender-free parenting, and it would be kind of embarrassing if, given all that freedom, my son turned out to randomly tick all the… Read more »
I just wanted to say that I enjoyed this article and also that he sounds like he was just like my son! I’ve read your responses as well and it was reassuring to read about how your son has developed since he was 2.5. I sometimes worry about how rough my son can be- we’ve limited his movies/shows to the most non violent after seeing how he now wants to shoot everything (He saw a western at his nana’s). He’s also so sweet, loving, thoughtful, and helpful. Like you said- there are two sides 🙂 I am only worried about… Read more »
Hmm, this website may want to rethink the ads. I had a very long reply written out, but the banner ads refreshed my page and I lost it.
It’s a nice article and I was just reiterating some of the points with experiences that I’ve had, but I don’t really wish to write it all out again.
Interesting. Boys & girls have differnt brains & biology & evolution so naturally different.
$50 says some teacher, very soon, will be hinting about meds…
Hi, I’m the author of this post. A funny thing happened when Avie went to preschool the year after I originally wrote this essay (on my own blog). His teachers reported back to me that he listened well, was well-liked, and viewed as the class leader by the other kids. He’s 4.5 now and while he continues to enjoy physical play, his impulse control and sense of his own strength are much more developed and he very rarely, if ever, hurts or upsets his friends. I don’t think we’ll be in the market for meds any time soon.
im so happy to hear that-
not every rambunctious kid is ADD
What is wrong with you….How are you even fit to be a parent? This article’s message is so disturbing. There is nothing wrong with being masculine, ever. The fact that your son “turned out” to be masculine is obvious you moron. The “right” way to raise a man isn’t through the feminization of a young male. “All-boy” DEFINES a male and anything less than that is clearly “less-boy.” You obviously have no understanding of what it means to be a young man growing up. All you have is a woman’s interpretation of masculinity, but you don’t know what it’s truly… Read more »
You’re right about one thing: There’s nothing wrong with being masculine. But it’s a mistake to call a 2.5 year-old masculine, or even “all-boy.” Little kids lack impulse control, period. I can look back now and see that’s really what people meant when they called him “all-boy.” He’s still a physical, enthusiastic risk-taker now but he’s not even close to the tiny tornado he once was. And that’s not from us “feminizing” him. It’s just from his brain developing on schedule.
We had the same experience with our kids. One of the first things my 4-yr-old daughter did when she could walk was wrap a scarf around her shoulders as a reboso, and put a stone in it as her baby. She arranged lego blocks according to size, and dubbed them “Daddy”, “Mummy”, “Baby”. Her favourite colour is pink (usually) and she spends all her time talking about princesses (except last week, when she said being an astronaut would be more interesting). My 2-yr-old son likes getting thrown around and running in circles, and he dances exactly as you described your… Read more »
Boys and girls are very much like each other. Being told that we are different or must be different is a kind of hurtful nonsense that we need to interrupt. Both boys and girls are all-round human beings and can do anything, be anything, achieve anything they wish.
I agree. More to the article itself, while I can empathize with the desire to raise a kid in a gender- neutral way, I think it’s an impossibility unless a person raised their kid without any social or cultural experiences. Even then, the kid would be picking up “gender cues” from their parents, who were raised with the same social norms and expectations they were hoping to avoid. Though I bristle at the idea that women should do “x” and men should do “y”, I’ve come to terms with the idea that we don’t have that sort of control over… Read more »
Provocative piece. I scanned it for any indication of the sex of the partner. Trying for “gender neutrality” is an admirable goal, but the sex of one’s parents (both of them) is invariably part of what kids learn about what it means to be the sex they are. Our understanding of the issue would be greatly enhanced if we knew whether Artie has a father in his life or two mothers.
Thanks, Larry! Avie has a mother and a duda–which is what he calls my partner who is female but not feminine. Avie’s duda is more like a dad than a mother in a lot of ways but the masculinity messages Avie might be absorbing from his duda are not of the “all-boy” variety.
Sorry for messing Avie’s name. And thanks for the clarification. Let me be clear that I do not want to suggest that his behavior is related to having two female caretakers. For one thing, kids don’t make much meaning out of what their sex is until Avie’s age at the earliest. That’s testosterone talking. It’s just that your challenge is different than what hetero parents face in this particular instance because there isn’t an older male in the house with whom he can identify in a direct, bodily way. As a father of a girl and a boy and grandfather… Read more »
Finding “some good men who can help him both celebrate that explosive male energy and channel it into productive, non-violent directions” is exactly why I’m here. Well that and I came to read about how else I can help him become one of those good men himself. Thanks for the kind words!
On this topic, part of it is roughhousing, which is apparently (from what I’ve read) important for children, and especially boys. This not only gives them experience in tumbling and confidence in their physical abilities, but is a good opportunity to put limits on that which is out of bounds. Able to say immediately the precise instance when something moves beyond play.
Thank you for this article! Chiming in here too that we are also a family that had trucks right beside the dolls and clothing colors across the spectrum while the kids are growing up. When he was growing up, my son absolutely was obsessed with his toy trucks and nerf guns and who is now a thoughtful and very funny young man. My daughter (teen) who it seems from birth has always loved shoes, glitter, and makeup but yet prides herself in her athleticism and accomplishments at school. And I think both kids are extremelty confident in theirselves and who… Read more »
I totally relate to this! I’m very mindful of raising my sons without gender expectations. My older son was sort of confounding in that he just absolutely loved only traditional boy stuff, he sounds very much like your son. My younger son on the other hand is very different, so I feel like raising them without the gender expectations is exactly where we need to be. We need to allow them to be who they are and sometimes that will be “all boy” and sometimes it won’t but the point is that it will be who they are not who… Read more »
Thanks for your comment, Veronica. Our younger son seems to be following in your younger one’s footsteps. Of course there are some differences in how he’s been raised because I had a chance to practice on his big brother first but so far he’s much less wild than Avie. It’ll be interesting to see how they grow from here.
I think the biggest mistake parents make when they’re raising kids with high expectations based upon gender is that they allow for bad behavior that we consider gendered to be allowed. “He’s all boy” isn’t a bad thing. It’s a good thing – but only because it’s how he naturally expresses his gender. It’s not better than, “He likes girl stuff” or “He’s very sensitive and prefers quiet activities.” But if “He’s all boy” means that the parent doesn’t find the destructive or harmful behavior problematic (because it’s somehow “natural” for boys to be destructive or hurt others) then we… Read more »
Naturally? How do you know that his behavior is entirely natural? Couldn’t his “all boy” demeanor be the result of observed gender behaviors from television, adults, other children, etc. which influenced and indoctrinated him (despite the efforts of his parent)?
Great points, Joanna! Empathy is the number one quality that I hope to instill in my boys. I try to take every opportunity to model empathetic behavior, to find books that teach empathy, and to help my kids understand their own feelings and each other’s. As I mentioned in response to another comment, we don’t laugh or shrug off Avie’s destructive or aggressive behavior. We always find that behavior problematic and deal with it accordingly, plus we try to provide safe outlets for him to burn off excess energy that can sometimes lead to aggressiveness bouts. And I can relate… Read more »
“And I can relate to the bullying of boys by girls. Avie is four now and we’ve been through multiple rounds of girls telling him he can’t play with them (at preschool, on the playground, at a bounce house playspace, etc).” Is it possible that your son’s “all-boy” behavior doesn’t jive with the way most girls want to play? If a kid was acting the same way your son acted, I wouldn’t be surprised if my kids avoided him. And please understand that I say this without any intentional shaming. We try to raise our kids “right” but they all… Read more »
And I’m sorry, it seems my comment missed the point of your article:
“…if I’m truly committed to raising our boys without gender expectations, that means accepting and valuing all outcomes, “all-boy” included.”
If you mean “valuing all gender-related outcomes” I completely agree.
Absolutely LOVE this! As the parent of a “wild beast” myself this post really hit home! My 2 1/2 year old E is the only girl her age in the family, the rest are boys (one distant cousin that we never see is the only other girl this age) and I can’t tell you how often we have had to “defend” our choices as far as letting her run wild, wear boy underpants, or go shirtless when all her uncles, cousins and daddy are doing just that…What people fail to see (because like you it mostly emerges at home with… Read more »
Very good. A more fervent believer in “blank slate” theories might simply conclude that the boy turning out as “all-boy” just meant that the “oppressive expectations, gender and otherwise” from the surrounding heteronormative patriarchal culture infected him and overrode your attempts to raise him “with as few gender limits as possible.”
Very true, Megalodon. And kids–even very little ones–certainly are sponges so I have no doubt that they absorb and reflect all kinds of messages that their parents can’t control. Seeing Puss and Boots immediately increased my son’s interest in swords, for example. But having seen him morph into an “all-boy” before my very (worried) eyes, I can’t help feeling that at least some of his “all-boy” behavior really is innate–and this is coming from someone who, pre-parenthood, was a strong believer in gender being at least 99% social construction. I still believe gender roles are constructed but behaviors are more… Read more »
Really? One wonders what brought about this changed perspective on the percentage of behavior attributable to “nature” rather than nurture.
If you thought that his “all boy” behavior were not actually innate, but might still be attributable to inculcation and influence, would that change your opinion and response to his development?
Maybe the problem here is that our culture sees certain traits (being loud, physical, and bossy, for example) and attributes those to gender when these traits may just indicate extroversion. All I know is that my older son has been loud, physical, and bossy from the very start, while his little brother has been much more mellow from his get go. That to me suggests innate differences.
these traits may just indicate extroversion Changing the basis of the trait from one of “gender” to one of character trait like “extroversion” does not seem to settle the nature/nurture feud much. As if psychologists are not constantly sniping over whether introversion/extroversion is an innate trait or a product of inculcation and rearing. All I know is that my older son has been loud, physical, and bossy from the very start, while his little brother has been much more mellow from his get go. Perhaps different cultural contaminants have had differing amounts of influence on the two. Or the assertion… Read more »
Hi Megdalon, I strongly suggest you read the book, “As Nature Made Him: The Story of the Boy who was Raised as a Girl,” by John Colapinto. This tells the true story of Dave Reimer born an identical twin in 1967 who was accidentally castrated as a baby. John Money of Johns Hopkins was strongly promoting the theory that gender identity was a sociological construct, persuaded the parents to gender re-assign the baby, raise him as a girl, and never reveal the truth of his birth. Psychology books promoted his so called successful identity as a girl as proof of… Read more »
Dear Aly,
I was excited when I heard about this story coming out. And then I read it and it surpassed my high expectations. I absolutely loved this bit: “And then I realized there’s nothing wrong with that.”
Well done!
~Cameron
Thank you, Cameron! 🙂
“Every day I realize more and more how much of what I do as a parent is experimental.” I thought this was an exceptionally thoughtful piece. My partner and I have encountered this same sentiment and approach when raising our daughter and you are correcting in suggesting the work ahead will begin as your sons become more influenced by the rigid gender roles and norms that they will confront in society. It starts in school, with peers, and even in the books they read or the shows they watch- frankly, it’s an uphill battle at times for us parents (or… Read more »
Avi sounds like a hand full! I can’t help it though, when I read this it sounds less like parenting without gender bias and more like parenting without discipline. My brother’s son was very much like Avi when he was little and my brother was so delighted with his boy that when he was swinging hard objects in the direction of my kids, my brother would either chuckle and say things such as “he’s all boy!” or, when his son was endlessly splashing my kids in the kiddie pool, he would say in the smallest and sweetest of voices: “No… Read more »
Thanks for your comment, Sam. You’re right that I left out any discussion of discipline and that was intentional. The topic of discipline is one of those parental warzones that I’d rather stay out of but I can assure you that any time Avie has behaved roughly with other children, he’s been disciplined. What that’s entailed has changed over the years (he’s four now) but I’m definitely not the kind of parent who would laugh or shrug off things like hitting or mean words.
I hear you! This is such the case for me as well. Genetics and gender do play a role and as much as I try to steer my boys in the “right” direction, they’ve always got their own ideas and ways of doing things… loudly, rambunctiously, and with their whole hearts. It’s amazing and disconcerting at the same time!