Treating your teenage son like he’s a boy is only going to make him withdraw further away from you
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In my work with parents of teenage young men, I’ve observed a common behavior that many parents share. Their behavior is really two parts rolled into one: first, using their natural, innate ability to provide parental protective love for the son and, second, sometimes doing a disservice to the son by treating him like a boy, instead of a young man.
When I’m coaching families in my office, I’ve seen parents do this frequently with their sons. And, I see this when I’m out running errands. I overhear conversations between parents and their sons. The mom or dad will say something like, “We need to leave the store now. Is that okay?” Or, “We’ve got to get to the dentist now to be on time for your appointment. Is that okay?”
Now, I know that these parents have the best of intentions. They want to be loving and sweet. They think that they will create positive conversation with their sons by treating them like adults. Unfortunately, I think when parents ask their sons, “Is that okay?” it leads to two problems.
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Don’t Alienate Your Son
…they feel insulted by being “spoken down to.”
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First, the feedback from the young men I’ve met in my private sessions or at the Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend, comes in the form of complaints about their mothers and fathers treating them like boys. These young men know that their mothers love them but they have a hidden resentment when their moms speak to them like that. They tell me they feel insulted by being “spoken down to.”
…treat young men like they are five years older than they actually are.
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Secondly, this kind of question actually prevents the parents from relating to their sons as young adults. It’s important for all parents to realize that teenage young men need to be spoken to as if they are grown adults. The mentor most responsible for getting me started working with young men, Brad Leslie, taught me to treat young men like they are five years older than they actually are.
Since it’s often harder for mothers to let go of sons than the dads, it’s really important for the moms to stop asking these kinds of questions. Whether it’s the mothers or fathers talking to their sons this way, it keeps the parents suspended back in time, when their sons were young boys.
The word, “syndrome” is defined by one dictionary as, “a group of symptoms that together are characteristic of a specific disorder, disease, or the like”.
The syndrome here, with this “OK, sweetie?” behavior, is that some of the young men feel disrespected and it causes them to withdraw further than they naturally would due to their biological need to individuate.
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How to Be More Respectful to Your Son
Here’s the solution: gently, clearly and confidently let your teenage son know exactly what needs to happen. There’s no need to ask permission. Just teach them the reason, the benefits and the results of what’s happening.
It can sound like this, “Son, it’s time for your dentist appointment. Keeping your teeth healthy is important. When you maintain good dental hygiene, you’ll minimize any future painful problems with your mouth and you’ll make a great first impression with people – especially with people you’re meeting for the first time. I’ll meet you at the car in five minutes”.
Your son needs to feel that you should have something important to say if you’re going to earn his attention.
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Whether you think they are listening not, your sons are paying attention to you, even when their behavior makes it look like they’re disinterested. Just keep repeating your adult messages with care and concern. Your son needs to feel that you should have something important to say if you’re going to earn his attention.
The best time to ask your son questions is when you want to lead him within, to find authentic answers to his life challenges.
Most of the time, your son will start behaving like the mature male you want him to be!
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Remember: he’s not a baby boy anymore. You need to speak to him like the young adult he actually is. Most of the time, your son will start behaving like the mature male you want him to be!
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Photo by Flickr/SantiMB Photos
Old saying the sooner you treat (your son) as a man, the sooner he will be one!
Assuming this is teenage boys you are referring to, telling them things like oral hygiene is important and that’s why you have a dental appointment is incredibly childish. My teen boys would roll their eyes, that’s something you remind an elementary kid. The important interaction in that example is timeliness.